Sunday, 04 March 2012
-
Dream Lust
Okay, I have a serious problem. I've been in a very loving, open, honest relationships with a really great guy for almost 2 years now. He's amazing to me, sweet, loving, and kind of a geek. Here's the problem though:
He was a rebound from my first relationship.
My first relationship lasted 4 years, had an insane amounts of ups and downs, passion, rage, just the whole roller coaster of emotions. We had a horrible break-up because he couldn't appreciate me and I believed that both of us deserved better. Within these two years, I've had many happy memories with my new boyfriend. Lately though, it seems like whenever I go to sleep after having a good day, I dream about my ex. Specifically, cheating on my boyfriend with my ex.
What makes this situation even more unbearable is that both of us have moved on and done different things, grown as people, and we both agreed that if we ever were to get back together we would work harder to make it work because we genuinely love each other.
These dreams have gotten more frequent over the last year and won't let me move on. I get sad and depressed whenever I have them because I feel like I can't give my boyfriend what he needs if my head is with him and I'm dreaming of my ex.
Have you ever been in this situation before? Are they just my subconscious thoughts working out past shit or am I seriously just fucking stupid?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Carefullove@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 4453 Comments: 0 21 View all posts by Carefullove@xanga
Comments (21)
I know some will say otherwise but you can't really control what you dream. Most of my dreams are sexual in nature and few of them represent any sort of real feelings for any of the men who appear in those dreams. They're just examples of my drain "defragging" all the randomly stored files of my life.
I have dreams of cheating on my boyfriend every now and then. Never with my ex though (probably because I hate his guts)
For me personally, I paid close attention and found out why. I've always believed that dreams show us what we want. When I have felt unsafe, I always dream of places I used to feel safe in as a child. When I feel poor, I have dreams of grand yachts and mansions. When I feel lonely, I dream of having lots of friends. And when I feel lonely in other ways, I dream in other ways. Sometimes my boyfriend and I lack the spark of a new relationship, we lack the excitement of not knowing what is next. I have worked to change that by creating more chances for us to be spontaneous and romantic. He has been changing into a new man day by day and as I become more aware of this (I seem to be in love with change) he gets my goat even more.
I hate to say it, but your problem might be because your current boyfriend is not giving you something your ex did and your subconscious is searching to fill the void. Try and pinpoint what that something is. Sometimes thoughts linger in our dreams because we haven't grieved the loss of a relationship properly and since your current boyfriend is a rebound, that would make sense. Have a little cry about it? Allow your heart to say goodbye and give your new man a chance to fill that gaping hole in your chest =D Hope this helps!
Dreams are dreams. Whatever.
What I'm confused about is this: "we both agreed that if we ever were to get back together we would work harder to make it work because we genuinely love each other"
I reading this correctly? It seems like you've made this agreement with your ex, while in your current relationship. If so, I think that's the moral equivalent to cheating in the first place. You don't engage in hypotheticals with someone you used to be with if you care about the person you have now.
If it didn't work out with your ex, why do you think it would work this time?
If you are brave and stupid enough to let go of your current boyfriend for some "old toy" then go ahead.... but I'm just warning you: It won't work out.
what @lewk@xanga said!
You still love your ex-boyfriend???? If you do, break up with the one you're with now because that's not fair to him. 1) You can't control your dreams. 2) Perhaps your dreams are because you're into this new guy and are letting go of the "we'll get back together" but he'll still treat you the same guy?
I hate to tel you this, but its becuase he is a rebound... you can like him all you want, but the likelihood of you splitting off from your current one to go back to your old boyfriend if he came around knocking, is very high. You spent more time with the old one, and you didt give yourself enough time to consolidate the emotions for your last boyfriend. your head might be sayig no, and you can rationalise all you want about thta its not gona happen or that you both have moved on or whatever, but the "heart" is different than the head, it doesnt run on logic, it runs on "wanting". Some people have their intellect and emotions in sync, ad those people are lucky. but your heart isnt with this new guy 100% and subconsciously you are longing the old guy.
the dreams don't mean anything but "we both agreed that if we ever were to get back together we would work harder to make it work because we genuinely love each other" sure does!
why were you talkin about that with your ex? why were you exchanging "love you"s if you're taken? that speaks volumes about how you truly feel about the man you're with right now- don't waste another moment of this poor chap's life. dump him on the spot- get off the computer as you're reading this and leave him! the sooner he can lick his wounds and move on from this debacle and your emotional cheating, the better. my goodness.
also keep in mind that those "rage" and ups and downs are also more "solid" experiences. Intense emotions are much more potent ingredients for Love, Lust, and Passion than "security" itself is. Security is a nice thing to have, because a guy/girl who is more even tempered and less "threatening" can be a guarantee for long lasting relationships, which we all want right?
Again the extra time spent together also adds to a feelign of "intimacy" so either you have to come to terms with this and do some serious soul searching, to know what you want in life, and what to do to get it and keep it secured, or you are going to have a miserable future, and you'll see the answer is right infront of you.
p.s. dont tell your guy, he might not be able to handle this, us boys are not good with these kinds of situations...
If he really is the one for you, you'll figure out how to conquer your own heart and demons for him, and make him a happy fella. this might be only a thorn in your road. you'll get over it. The most important thing now is a little soul searching, and reflectig on the good times you spent with the newer BF. Think about all the happiest times you spent with the guy.
Dont only think about the times he made you feel loved... think about times he's made you laugh, the annoying little dumb things he does that you have gotten used that he does, times you've missed him, places youve been with him, things youve done with him, think about way back before any relationships what you were doing, and then think about how this all lead up to your guy now. Im sure you'll see things clear after that. :)
Humans as a whole are biologicallymeant to have one partner, after an amount of time you become more chemically orientated to want to be around a partner, and the longer you are with them the more this attachment grows.
So it is natural to have dreams about your ex, but if you do not enjoy them try lucid dreaming. You may find your self in a dream you don't like but at lest with lucid dreaming you will have the power to control it
its a dream. don't take them too seriously.
wow, staying in a relationship for two years when you just consider him the rebound guy, and on top of that you agree with your ex, that if you ever get back together to work harder, man, I feel sorry for the poor boy you're dating right now. You should break up with him for his sake.
I've had a dream that I cheated on my boyfriend with an ex who treated me HORRIBLE and we still do not get along and its been over 5 years. I have no feelings for him what so ever, I just had a dream about him. You cant really control you dreams, dont blame yourself for it :P
@o0_Gina_0o@xanga - I didnt think of him as the rebound guy at first, first off he just swept me off my feet in a time my life was incredibly fucked up and I needed a stable, healthy relationship to guide me. Just over the past year our lives have taken different paths, Ive become more independent where hes just as clingy, I'm getting ready to graduate from college and he has another semester left. Hes getting looked at by more women than he used to and I'm more worried about becoming stable after college than caring about what hes doing. Just little things.
I think my brain is trying to find a scapegoat not to deal with reality. My ex was perfect for that.
Dreams are what they are. Most dreams do have some significance to one's current mental state but they aren't particularly controllable. I'm in a very happy, stable, sexual relationship but I still occasionally have erotic dreams about people I've never even seen before or dreams about my last ex, whom I never speak with and never really think about. Does it mean I want to have anonymous, meaningless sex with strangers or get back with my ex? No, of course not. So dreams are what they are.
Completely normal albeit irritating mindfuck served to you by your subconscious.
A 4 year relationship, however tumultuous, is a huge investment in another person - those emotions and memories cannot fade as simply and as quickly as you might hope for them to, even despite moving forward with your life. Your current, stable relationship is bringing about thoughts of doubt and even a kind of perverse hope for your past relationship to somehow be brought back to life.It has nothing to do with you being unfaithful or inconsiderate to your partner, and everything to do with the fact that as human beings, we A. long for what we no longer have, and B. cannot necessarily apply logic and reason when deciding when/how we emotionally let go of another person.
My advice: be patient and give it some more time. Shake off the residual sadness/anger/confusion that resurface from having these dreams, and just wait. If you continue to invest and stay in this relationship, chances are the dreams will naturally cease to occur and things will return to normal. In any case, things will eventually turn out the way they are meant to - whichever way that is. Give it time, and sooner or later, you will have peace of mind.
You should look into lucid dreaming harijan. Gain control of yourself.
I wouldn't take your dream too seriously.
however, you need to figure out if you still have feelings for your first boyfriend. because based on your reaction to the dreams, it kind of seems like you do.
I have been married for five and a half years, in my relationship for eight, and haven't been with my ex (of one year) for ten years. But sometimes I STILL have romantic and/or sexual dreams about him.
Your memories never go away. Your brain remembers that relationship, and its passion, and it replays it while you sleep. It also knows you're in a different relationship now, so it accommodates as necessary. It's just moving pictures in your head, and I don't think it means anything.
Unless, that is, you feel that way when you're awake, too, spend time thinking about him, everything still reminds you of him, etc. That's when there is a problem.
Dreams are dreams. They don't really mean much at all.