Saturday, 03 March 2012
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Having "The Talk"
Before you jump to conclusions, I am not talking about the "Birds and Bees" talk. I'm talking about the "Where Is Our Relationship" talk. So many couples don't have that talk anymore. They date, they become smitten, they tell each other they love each other, and BOOM - they're in... whatever. One party thinks they're in a relationship, and the other is single. A lot of people enter into a friends-with-benefits relationship with the assumption that there won't be feelings, and yet someone ALWAYS catches feelings, simply because they assumed since they're sleeping together, there is an automatic obligation to remain monogamous.
What ever happened to the "Define The Relationship" talk? I mean, sure it's uncomfortable, but it's SO necessary! You might want to be in a committed relationship. The other party might not. You two might have been in a relationship for years and you might yearn to be married, yet your significant other has no clue because you just go along with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I have my share of relationship issues, so I am not speaking as some sort of relationship guru. I have just had TONS of friends lately come to me about confusion in their relationship, and that's the first question I ask - Have you had a "Define The Relationship" talk? Usually, the answer is no. Or that they don't even know what that is.
This talk clarifies what your roles are in the relationship, what you expect currently from the relationship and your significant other, and where you might see the relationship in a year (or five years, or ten years - whatever time frame is comfortable for you). It sounds almost like a business plan, and in a way, that's how you have to look at it. It defines what you two are - platonic friends, friends with benefits, boyfriend/girlfriend, open relationship, swingers... the list can continue on and on. However, there should always be a definition. I hear so many of my friends say, "Well, we're together I guess. I mean, we sleep together, but we're not together-together... I don't know what we are. We just are. We're us."
Personally, I was 17 before I could actually get into the groove of having that talk. I used to think it was silly and unnecessary. I mean, if you felt in your heart that you were a couple, then that's what you were, right? Right. Dumb, I know. I was dating a friend's cousin, and everyone around us would ask us if we were together. I would say the whole "I don't know" speech, and quite frankly, I got tired of saying it. I knew I looked like a fool. I finally went over to his house, and let it all out. We decided to make it "official" that we were a couple.
I have that conversation more than once, too. People change. I heard a theory that people biologically change every 7 years, including the way our brain functions. I don't know if it's true or not, but if it is, it makes it even more important. I think there are certain points in any relationship that require a periodical "Define The Relationship" talk - when it moves from casual to serious, when it moves from serious to committed, when you change your mind/feelings about certain subjects (for example: not wanting kids to having baby fever), when there is emotional or mental confusion (like when one party starts to pull away from the other emotionally), and so on.
I'm not saying you have to have it every year or whatever. Those examples are just my own feelings and time frame. I am not saying that you should plan your relationship out based on this talk, either. Like I said, people change! Feelings change, opinions change, and circumstances change. Yes, go with the flow to a certain extent. Think of it like a river - the water flows within the confines of the river banks. If it didn't have those, it could potentially cause chaos.
Some of you might call me uppity, or even crazy, but I am only speaking from my own experiences. I have had many "friendships" that I thought were more, or even moving towards more, only to be disappointed. I still have this talk periodically with my boyfriend. He actually told me I was the only woman who has ever talked about stuff like that with him, and he likes it because it leaves little room for misinterpretation in terms of where we are together.
Do you ever have DTR talks? How important do you think they are?
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Comments (30)
I definitely did but I'm still in high school so it's not as major.
I fell in love with my best friend and one night I finally told him, but while I was away from home. We started hanging out more and more and as our feelings grew, so did our bond. He kissed me on a sunny day underneath a tree :) and then the next day, I asked: "Am I yours? And are you mine?" he joked, "Do you want to be?!" And ever since we've been together for six months.Those talks are important even for friends
It's difficult to have those talks for myself because I'm always unsure about what I want.
Agreed. I need to know where the relationship is at cuz then if I don't, I'm confused. I dunno why people don't have this tlak often either.
Mine was pretty easy... I've called the shots.
My now fiance and I were friends first and had been spending a lot of time together. One time we were out and he said to someone on the phone "I'm out with my friend right now." When he got off the phone I said friend? I like girlfriend better. He said he just didn't want to assume.
Later on in our relationship I decided I wanted to make sure we were committed. I mentioned that I'd like to get married and I would enjoy being married to him. Then I started looking at rings and asked if I could have it for my birthday a couple months later... and two days before my birthday, he proposed!!!!
Sometimes having the relationship talk isn't that bad:)
Those DTR conversations are important for everyone, including spouses, employees and employers, friends, teachers and students, etc. So much confusion can be avoided by establishing baseline expectations up front.
I never understood people who are afraid to have that talk. I mean, if you like someone enough to be having the the talk, shouldn't they be someone you can be open with and have talks with?
I think it's important to know where you stand. When I wanted to know, I sent a text to my SO telling him I didn't want him to date other women. BAM done
I think those talks are extremely important, and need to be had - even if you've been dating for awhile! people do change, life happens and I think its important to make sure you're on the same page!
It's important, but I think that some gentle clarification is all that is needed in a majority of cases, at least in terms of casual dating. With men that I am seeing I often just say "Can I be frank?" and then I let it rip. I don't think that the big talk is necessary so much as you are forward with everyone from the beginning. That leaves room for little wondering and little wandering.
Hmm, yes, definitely should have had this conversation in my last "relationship."
Woulda saved me a lot of trouble, mental note to tackle this conversation next time it's necessary.Excellent post...especially for datingish.
I'm having this talk right now. Ughhh. I don't mind having the talk because I'm usually on the same page as the other person. This time I don't want a relationship and he does. To be fair, I told him before we started hanging out that I wasn't interested in a relationship and now that doesn't matter apparently. They are definitely important to have though. Unfortunately sometimes :p.
I did have the talk with my exes when I felt necessary, though one of my exes changed the relationship status on Facebook and then asked me if it was ok, which I guess was his way of asking me to be his girlfriend.
I know it is a risk asking this, but in my mind, I rather know the exact answer than me being the one chasing the guy for a relationship when he wants something else or isn't feeling it. That way, I can go meet someone else.
I think it all depends on how it's done. It is very important to talk I agree. But I think you can manage to keep communication up on a regular level too, and maybe it is better to just randomly shout out "things are getting so boring" (or something like that) when you sit on the couch or informing your partner you are going through a process of change when you do like " I don't know if I really want kids now", than saying this awkwards sentence: "we need to talk!" I always feel theratened when I hear that and I think others do too so they get definsve from the beginning. All depends on the people in question of course, but I think it's important to do your best to not sound accusing.
When you feel like you changed too it's important to just mention it.
As for changing every 7 years, yes, our cells are entirely renewed after 7 years. But it's an ongoing steady process and genetics determine how they develop, so someone with a brain disorder will not be cured or something like that. I think some parts of us last for a lifetime. The brain function can change due to hormones though, but I think that doesn't usually affect someone's values.
We had one. I said "I don't like leftovers" he said "okay".
Yes, and they're important. Sadly, (to a extent) I feel they're just that, talks. One thing is saying another one is doing, and I feel like in the illustration, I'm waiting for a miracle.
I hate relationships. By the way, good post... I guess. I thought it was going to be about parents giving their children "the talk".
You biologically change every second, technically. I'm really iffy on that theory you've heard....
When I was in high school, it was easy. The boy asked me to be his g/f pretty quickly. Either before the first date or right after. Enter college, where I didn't start considering relationships until half way through my junior year. Now the relationship talk in delayed a couple of months and always ends up in me being told some BS excuse (anything besides "I'm just not that into you").
Lol my boyfriend and I had this. Sort of. He and I started out pretty um... touchy? And I didn't know what we were yet. On a friend's birthday we were out drinking and a couple of girls asked us if we were together. I said it was complicated and he gave me such a look!!!! lol!! I WANTED to be in a relationship, but from my previous "boyfriend" I'd learned to not expect too much. to my surprise, this bothered him quite a lot!! He wanted me to be his and his alone :) We got on the subject the night after and I got him to ask me out (he was deathly afraid of rejection) and we've been together for a year and a half :)
As for the importance, I think it's paramount. With my ex, I thought we were in a relationship leading up to monogamy but then he got a girlfriend ditched me for two months saying "I thought you were starting to like me, so I thought I should keep my distance." This was after a year and 6 months. To this day, I do not know how he didn't realize my feelings for him (we used to joke about it hellooooo) but because of this, I tell everybody to have this talk. Do it for yourselves and for your partner because if you don't, SOMEBODY is going to get hurt!!!
Great post! The "talk"... such an awkward conversation, but a very necessary one. Whenever I feel like a guy and I are becoming more serious, I ALWAYS need to make sure where he and I stand... just so there isn't any confusion or false intentions. Some people avoid the "talk" because they don't want to scare the other person away. They're afraid that by bringing up anything that concerns entitlements or commitment, it will ruin whatever abstract "relationship" they're in. But, seriously, why would you want to be with someone who runs off at the thought of being in an actual relationship with you?! Makes no sense if you ask me.
I say, save yourself A LOT of time and have the talk. Better to know than not.
I think it's vital. But you also need to be able to work out issues when the two parties don't agree on what they want, or where the relationship is going / will go.
My boyfriend/fiance and I are VERY lucky to be moving at the same pace in the same direction. We had one talk of "are we just sleeping together, or is this more?" - which prompted our first "official date" after 3 weeks. Then we had the "are we in a relationship? is this when we're supposed to change our facebook status?", which we both did together. Followed by "i want kids. soon." (me) and him "i want to be married before a kid is born, and you can't be more than 5 months pregnant in our wedding pictures". It actually sparked debate between us because I didn't care if I was married before I had a kid, whereas he did and I couldn't be overly preggers. We've been moving along steadily and agreeing where things are going. We decided we want to get married soon, and the only thing stopping the "official" proposal is $. We went and looked at rings yesterday for the first time so he could see what I liked. When he has $, he will be getting the ring. Sometimes I refer to him as my boyfriend, sometimes I say fiance. We are on the same track, which is nice.
I've been in situations where we disagreed. Once, I wanted nothing but friends with benefits and he wanted marriage and kids RIGHT THEN. It was basically 8 months of drawn out issues and constant fights. He was insecure, clingly, jealous, suffocating, and drove me insane to the point where I would be point blank mean to him and I ended up friend-zoning him (no sex anymore at all either). He still wouldn't accept it, so finally we had to call it complete quits. It's been like 2-3 years and I hear he's still not over it... Poor guy, but still. Whoa it was awful.
Of course, guys being guys. we hate the DTR moment.
the talk is over once things over done, when its over,,its over....
Miracle created only by human, theres never a true miracle happen in ones life....
Not Once....