Wednesday, 29 February 2012
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What Symbolizes Commitment?
He says we are “soul mates” and that he wants us to spend the rest of our lives together; it’s been almost 2 years. I live with him, pay my share of the rent, he has his bills and I have my financial responsibilities. We do everything together, have so much in common and a wonderful relationship, yet we have no real commitment to one another other than words. I came very close to giving him a promise ring (for me to wear) for Christmas but couldn’t find the courage to do it.We both have parents who believe, “If she’s good enough to be your Miss then she’s good enough to be your Mrs.” Both his grown children and mine have brought up the subject of marriage to me and we have their blessings, but he has never brought the issue up. I don’t know if I would remarry, but would like a status of something other than “my girlfriend” after this period of time. Being a fiancé would be sufficient even if we never married!
He recently updated his will after obtaining a new life insurance policy and the beneficiary is his oldest son. His will also states everything is to be left to his children. Mine on the other hand states my personal belongings go to my children but anything obtained since we have been together remains his. He’s 56 and I’m 46 so that explains the wills.
I guess I’m just looking for a symbol of sorts that screams “we are together for life” in whatever form it is. Yes you are all going to say, “His word is good enough” or I’m “being materialistic” but that truly is not the case! I just want a real commitment that is symbolic in nature.
What do you all think?
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About the Author
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- From: dreamchaser66
- Name: daydreamer_1966
- Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
- About Me: I'm 25 with 20 years of experience and recently divorced after 25 years. I am now with a wonderful man...a man I wish I had met that 25 years ago :) I have a blog http://bikerboss.blogspot.com and am currently writing a book.
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Comments (20)
I think you want to be married. You want assurances, and proof of his intention. You want to know he is in this for LIFE. Marriage is the most common way to do this.
it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I think if you want him to invest in you on a material level, and if he hasn't done so, then you should pluck up the courage and make the first move by investing in that ring you mentioned earlier. There's no reason that the guy has to make the first move in terms of investing money into the relationship.
i agree with quantumstorm a ring would be a perfect symbol yet i think a diamond ring because diamond are stones that last very long and i do think of them as a symbol of forever!!!
Don't let it rush. I know you're getting older, but rushing only leads to divorce and who wants that?
it sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your man.
I have a dear friend who fell in love with a man who never wanted to be married. She wasn't too sure of the marriage idea either, but they wanted something to symbolize that they were committed to eachother. So they bought silver bands and each wears one. Buying yourself a ring for your SO to give to you? this idea just does not make sense to me.@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I agree with her.
Communication is always key in any relationship. Maybe there's a reason he's not doing anything to show he's committed or maybe the reason simply is to him the words are enough because he loves and trusts you and hopes you love and trust him.
I was in this situation. I was dating my boyfriend and wanted it to be more as well. I think women naturally feel the urge to be committed and make sure her man is too. So, I simply said... you know, I've always wanted to get married. Things are great with us and I'd love to be married to you. He agreed. So I started looking at rings and then I called him over and said you know, I really like this one and pointed to it. He liked it too and said he would like to buy it for me, but didn't have the money for it. So, again making sure he really did want to buy it I asked if I could have it for my birthday, which was a few months away. Guess who got engaged two days before her birthday? Me! And my ring is beautiful, I'm having a lot of fun planning the wedding and we're happy as always.... sometimes you just have to open your mouth!
However, it may not always be that easy. If he doesn't agree to things right away or doesn't even want to get married again, try to have a conversation with him until you guys can come to an agreement and understanding.
Good luck!!
thanks for all the feedback :) Lady Gwenivere...congratulations and thanks for sharing :)
Just talk to him honestly.
Yep, talk with him. But in my opinion, you've only been with him for two years. Maybe you're rushing it, or maybe he thinks it would be too soon to spring it on you, who knows! Talk about it, but don't have any expectations that would make you resent him. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and this year was my 21st birthday (the same week as valentine's day) so I wanted a gift. Normally we don't do gifts, but dammit I wanted some jewelry! So I dropped all kinds of hints and got zero response from him, and finally, I just openly said "Hey I really want this necklace for my birthday," and he said, "Absolutely. I wanted to get you something but I had no idea what you wanted!!" So,... communicate! :)
It seems like you two are committed on an emotional and mental level, since you basically live and do everything together. Why do you need some physical form of assurance that he's committed to you? I think it's more than enough what you guys have right now.
Getting married is not an end all be all unbreakable eternal commitment, people get divorce all the time.
2 years is a fairly short period of time.
Talk to him about it first, explain to him your desires and come up with an option together.
Have a union instead of a marriage.
I think you should change your will, first off. Especially considering you two AREN'T yet married. However, I also think that you should sit down and discuss this is its entirety, seriously, and with the mindset of setting a relationship boundary. It doesn't mean you two have to be married, or get married, however, the fact that you said "We have no other commitment other than words," screams that you guys never had a "where is our relationship" talk. It's crucial, although uncomfortable, to have that talk because it states where you two see each other in a certain time (a year, five years, etc.), where you two see yourselves now, and what you two seriously expect from each other and your relationship.
I feel the same way. I've been with my boyfriend for four years, we've lived together for 3 1/2. I would like a different status too. =\ He's just not ready.
I'm assuming since he has grown children as well that he is divorced?? depending on the circumstances surrounding that, he may not ever want to remarry. But you will never know if you don't ask :)
Sounds like the only viable option is to talk to him. Or you could be like me and ask him to marry you... it worked for us!
I don't think there should be time frame on what's an appropriate time to ask someone to get married. You can be in a relationship with someone for years, and it still doesn't work out, or you can meet the love of your life, and it just feel right. No one knows what the future holds, so there's no point in saying you have to wait an x amount of years to ask someone to marry. That said, like everyone else has said, communication is key =] I wont have to elaborate on that, since I share a lot of the opinions on communication that have already been mentioned. I hope things work out for you!
I'm not expecting marriage as we've both been married before and we haven't discussed whether either of us would do it again...."talk" He has stated he could see us sitting on a porch in 20 years in our rocking chairs saying nothing but still having a conversation so he's thinking very long term. BTW I have changed my will. Thanks everyone...next step is to see where his head is at via "communication" :)
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Something "symbolic," in your sense, is to have something concrete in writing, or a material item. However, fancy words on a piece of paper or a ring isn't going to keep your relationship together. Why don't you try communicating with him instead?
I am where you are .... same situation....same age. I understand what you want, because everyone who has gone through what we have wants the same thing.
You don't want marriage because it's confining. It seems like so much. Besides, we've not been divorced for long. We aren't interested in getting in so deep, because we don't want to ever have to go through another divorce.
We just want a committed relationship with some kind of visible sign to the world that we are off the market.
We just want someone to love, who will love us back.
Everyone else is reading too much into it. It's much simpler than a ring or a "piece of paper".....
I love it that you have found love and you are happy....That....is.....bliss!