Wednesday, 29 February 2012
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Date Someone You Already Hate?
Okay, hate is an exaggeration. So, “have issues with” is a better term. Here's the story--I used to talk to a guy several months back but for various reasons that I will talk about below, nothing ever really transpired between us. He was a nice guy and we did have amicable conversations, but witty repartee does not a relationship make. Forming a relationship takes time and effort and It seemed like he didn’t have much of any, which is a red flag in my book for a couple of reasons,
#1. This was already happening and we’d only known each other a few weeks, so I can only imagine it would be even more of an issue if we made it to the stage where we were considering a relationship and,
#2. I know that if a guy REALLY wants to see you, the only thing that could stop him is a bullet!In the beginning when we were actively speaking, I waited to see if he’d ask me out and I even dropped hints that I felt we should. While he acknowledged that he looked forward to taking me out, it never came to fruition. Rather early on I resigned myself to the fact that this was probably going nowhere since he really didn’t seem to be active in pursuing me or showing me he wanted to be more than friends. I’d return his text to be cordial or if I was bored because by his efforts or rather lack thereof, he was proving to me he was, at best, an entertaining text buddy. No harm, no foul.
Anyway, the other night I was prepping for an important work-related event and out of the blue, I see a text from him. Needless to say, in the frame of mind I was in at the time, I was less than thrilled. I was already stressed out and I had a million things floating around in my head…the last thing I needed was number 1,000,000 and 1! I just didn’t want to deal with it.
Mind you, he wasn't on my list of favorite people since this was his attempt at contacting me after pulling not one but two disappearing acts all due to a "crazy work schedule.” Are you buying that excuse? Nope? Well, neither am I! Believe me, I understand about having a packed schedule. There's nothing wrong with focusing on your career but don’t expect others to wait for you as you do so.
At this point, I was fed up and told him straight out that I thought it was for the best that we had stopped talking. He, of course, disagreed with me, and apologized for not being there citing it was because of work (broken record, I tell you!). This time around, he also added another reason I hadn’t heard from him before which was that he was partially trying to play it cool because he had been hurt in the past and he was afraid of developing deeper feelings that I couldn't reciprocate and that he feared getting hurt again.
I can appreciate the sentiment but I was still not 100% convinced. To top it all off, however, something even more unusual happened—finally, after talking off and on for MONTHS, he actually asked me out on a date (insane, isn't it?)! I had to re-read the text like 3 times to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. However, I couldn’t be sure if he genuinely wanted to spend time with me or if it was just some last ditch plea to try to at least get back in my good graces, so I didn’t permanently lock him out of my life.
Whatever his motive may be, he did actually make an effort to step his game up...so maybe this time will be different? I don't know but I doubt it.
That is not to say I completely disregarded the possibility that he really did have a change of heart but the thing is while I was trying to be impartial in considering his offer, I couldn’t help but think that, even if I decided I wanted to go out with him, there was a mental block that would prevent me from giving him a fair chance. The reality of it is—he was already tainted in my eyes. I can’t seem to overlook the fact that he has shown me that he has a propensity to drop in and out of my life so he already had a few strikes against him.
I’m entirely open to the notion that I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill and some people out there may say, “wipe the slate clean” and see where it leads with him. Then the question now is: Is that a wise choice?
What do you think--Would you be willing to give someone a shot despite the fact that they’ve displayed some characteristics/actions you didn’t approve of? Would you be able to overlook these things in order to proceed with dating them?
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- From: Cassie
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Comments (28)
If he's too busy for you now, what makes you think he'll have time in the future?
As a guy, I have to say that I can COMPLETELY understand where he's coming from. I'm out of the house twelve hours a day due to work, so my evenings are completely shot, AND I've been burned pretty badly in the past, so I tend to take my time to make sure I know the person well enough before investing the time and sacrifice that taking an evening off for a date would be for me. If it all goes well, I THEN put all my effort in my free time into making that relationship work, FORCING free time, making extra long drives just to see the person when available.
Not before, though.
I say give him the benefit of the doubt, and be understanding if he's still a little slow warming up. Sometimes this whole thing can be scary - even for us guys!
no i would never date anyone i didn't like or despised. i wouldn't put myself in that situation at all.
Guys have feelings too. I really think it is NOT that way that only a bullet is going to stop them. I believe him, he sounds like myself.
I think many people (girls and guys) make the mistake to think that if another person doesn't give the expected amount of attention it means they don't like you, don't give you a chance, find you unattarctive or are generally not reliable or whatever. They always want a proof for everything. I understand...I am that way too. But the problem is when both wait for a proof nothing happens. See your own story.
Consider that other people have their insecurities too. Maybe something made him feel similiar to how you feel now, even if it's just the expiriences he made. There are also people who are just more of an introvert and want to spend less time together, or they are just less eager about it. That doesn't mean they don't appreciate you. Why do you think he texted you? And some jobs are more demanding than others, so don't judge.
It's just my opinion...I didn't speak to him and can't have the same sort of picture that you have.
Only you know if you can give him a "real chance" not... if you can't then don't pursue it. There is either a reason and you'll get hurt, or it is going to be unfair towards him.
someone's been reading too much 'he's just not that into you' j/k. in all seriousness, there are exceptions to every rule.
I don't know, it seems like he might have been unsure before but he seems a bit more sure now - what can one date do? I say give him a chance :) it can't hurt
Woah... first of all... it sounds like he was trying to take it slow. The last thing a guy wants to do is bother you and then have you push him away. He was trying to get to know you. But if you think waiting for him to ask you out is a waste of time, why didn't you just move on? or ask him to hang out casually so you could get to know him? I wouldn't think you're into me if you're playing text tag with me for a whole bunch of months.
he is a human being you know...
additionally... if you're posting about it, just go out on the date! what do you have to lose??? you both have obvious attraction for each other. let your guard down and give a person a chance to get to know how cool you are. Give yourself the chance to be happy. He'll see that you don't need anyone else to make you happy.
i can't get past how orange you are.
i know.
that's mean :(
but its true.
There's nothing wrong with focusing on your career but don’t expect others to wait for you as you do so.Jewelry cards
Metal labelsFabric labelsZip PullersBarcode labelsShoes hangersMetal buttonsJewelry tagsSize hangersshoes hooksLol everyone has been hurt by someone, its a choice if he lets that get in the way especially if its not that recent. Maybe im a bit jaded but i wouldnt bother with the guy, spent way too much time in the past listening to excuses from men and taking crap. At about 19 i stopped messing with guys who i knew were not right and just wanted to chase and play games. I decided to wait for someone who would be a good fit with me who wanted something long term then i met my husband, been together 3 years and have a beautiful little girl, wouldnt go back to the dating olympics for anything!
Listen to your gut. Intuition is way more helpful than people give it credit for. He's putting you on layaway for when it is convenient for him. I have a guy friend who is exactly like this, wanting to date me, but has been hurt in the past, always busy because of work or something else (I work too, uhh...), and yeh. Plus he's also pretty self-centered without many friends and likes to hear himself talk, but that's something additional.
If I were in your shoes, ehh....okay no. I wouldn't give him a second shot. Respect yourself and don't date someone with that kind of emotional baggage, because that also breeds the jealous over-protective type whenever you're further into the relationship, and then you're faced with a whole new set of problems. Trust me, there is someone much better for you out there, who will be attracted to you without causing you qualms- you just haven't run into him yet.
Cut a nigga sum slack bitchhhhhh
Honestly, I don't see why having a crazy work schedule isn't a valid excuse.. But anyway... If you already dislike him from your past encounters with him, I don't think you should bother dating him because there seems to already be some resentment involved.
I definitely would not.
Personally, from what I've read, I'd say don't bother. I've had those games played by me too, and no girl likes to be strung along. Trust me when I say the right guy will make time for you somehow NO MATTER WHAT.
But if you do end up going on the date and it goes well and he really seems to have a change of heart, I'd have a serious talk with him afterwards. Tell him your worries, your expectations, etc. If he does some bulshit and hides away again, well there's your answer!
Good luck.
Are you getting invovled with the same guy who went MIA in my life a year and a half ago with no acknowledgement or a word goodbye?
Sorry, but I read this and instantly thought of him and how your guy sounds just like the guy I had in my life.
I say proceed with caution. Especially if he has a habit of disappearing with no contact for days/weeks/months. My guy would do that and then show up out of the blue and act like we'd just talked the night before. It drove me nuts, and I never got the chance to tell him off about it. I wish I had though...
There's obviously some kind of spark there, or you wouldn't be so interested. I say let him take you out but don't try to 'wipe the slate clean'. I would just approach this as a bit of fun at first- he says he doesn't want to get burned again but you also need to protect your heart from flaky guys who constantly drop in and out of your life!
Regardless of the reason WHY he is tainted in your eyes, whether it is justified or not, let's face the reality: You were not okay with how things went down, and whether you play nice or not, you most likely will have some hostility toward him. It's not an issue of "should I be mad about this?" but "can I get over it?". Even if you read all the comments that say you are being ridiculous, unless YOU believe you are just being ridiculous and can get over this idea of him being tainted, a date is not a good idea.
I have this issue a lot. It's not good for either of us when I'm just being a bitch and hostile toward the person I'm on a date with. And usually, I don't even have a good reason for it, I'm just annoyed. So I decide if I really like this guy enough to work through my hostility toward him, or if I should just save us both the trouble and tell him it's not working out.
If you don't like or respect someone, why be in an intimate relationship with them? Unless, you already have all the rules laid out, and know this isn't going anywhere long-term.
I say no, nix it, before he gets worse.
All I'm seeing is a guy who was happy to text you and not take it further until you finally decided to move on. A guy who has to wait for you to move on before making the first step is, in my opinion, not worth my time.
It is DEFINITELY possible that he has had a change of heart, no doubt. I personally simply cannot date a guy who has those kind of insecurities. I'm not willing to deal with them. Either you have the guts to act on your emotions, or you don't, but don't use it as a cop-out.
So you assumed that when he told you he was really busy he wasn't actually really busy? I don't know about you, but I sort of like the idea of dating a guy who puts his career on the front burner until we actually have established a relationship. I don't want to be with someone who would flake out on his responsibilities just because there MIGHT be a possibility that we'll get along.
I believe him. Go on a date.
Maybe also stuff happened like he was still holding out for that person that hurt him in the past? Sometimes people find it hard to jump in to something new cuz they are still stuck on that person hoping to get them back. But if that's the case or something like that, it's not your problem... is it?
I don't know... not every guy wants to jump in immediately. Sometimes that leads to BAD situations (my ex and I, for example). I had a situation with a guy who I REALLY liked, and because he wasn't really showing me the attention I wanted/thought a guy gave if he really liked you, I assumed he wasn't that interested in anything more than getting in my pants, so I moved on. In a moment of weakness, I texted him a month or two later - turns out he was confused by my assumption, and he tried three times harder the second time around - making the time for me, despite working weird hours, because he didn't want to lose me again. Unfortunately for him, I realized my attraction had faded by then. I say give him a chance... If he continues to dissapoint you, let him go. I think you'll figure out pretty early on whether or not he actually wants to date you or he just wants to chase you.