Wednesday, 29 February 2012
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Feel Closer After a Fight
Arguing sucks. But if you deal with the aftermath in the right way (i.e., don't act like Ronnie and Sammi), conflicts can make your relationship even stronger. Seriously. A study found that couples who received a dose of the lovey-dovey hormone oxytocin post-fight felt more in love and behaved more positively than those who didn't. Offer to give him a massage and you will trigger his brain to release the hormone.
Have you ever felt closer after an argument? Do you think healthy arguments exist?
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- From: vivikrazy@xanga
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Comments (17)
Healthy arguing does exist. It's a hard thing to master, though. Personally, my boyfriend and I have somehow been able to be pretty okay with our fights. I say somehow, because we never had to tell each other how to listen, or that we were fighting dirty. We just seemed to have a natural healthy way to argue. I vent, he listens. He vents, I listen. If we get too upset, we give each other our space. After we are calm and all the issues are out, we talk about what to do to fix the problems. Usually, immediately after a fight, we aren't distant, but we are both pensive. We are kind of quiet, thinking about what just happened and the solutions we came up with. A little while later, we do seem to be closer because we not only communicated effectively, but we found a solution and are both working towards a better relationship.
I honestly think that if you can work out a fight together, it really does bring you closer. Getting over bumps in a relationship together, are a necessary part of relationships. It helps to get to know little quirks and pet peeves of your partner aswell, then you guys can work on them more throughly if you discuss them. Obviously big blow ups, and bringing your partner down is not a good thing, so aslong as you own your own feelings, NEVER physically or verbally attack your partner, then yes my belief is that healthy arguments do exist.
i think you're supposed to feel closer after a fight but it doesn't feel too good to always have to be in a fight with your SO.
Oh yeah, definitely. He cried, I cried, and then we hugged it off. No massage, just kisses and hugs.
I do start most (okay...all) fights with my boyfriend, but we don't get to the point where we are yelling and in each others' faces. The worst it has gotten is a sob session but we don't fight a lot about serious things. Just silly things, like aggravation or miscommunication or ignoring my texts or calls. Sissy things. I do believe we get closer, 'cause most of the time I let what I need out, and he listens carefully, says what he needs to, and after a while of laying there in silence, I turn and hug him and he kisses my head, and we both apologize to each other and hug for a while, and then that's that.
There are healthy fights, but it depends on the people. If you have an opposite couple, like a guy that's patient and a girl that gets aggravated easily like my boyfriend and I, then compromise is reached easily. If you have a frustrated person like my mother and a very sensitive person like my dad, then that's when everything can become hell. I've learned by watching my parents fight. I'm careful with my words and so is my boyfriend, and we never say things we don't mean. We have a lot of healthy fights and we're closer after because now, after that fight, we have better communication and understanding of each other, and therefore a healthier relationship.
healthy arguing is so difficult, especially when my boyfriend and I are such sarcastic people... we rarely fight, but when we do, we actually try to solve the problem instead of just fighting about it.
I'm so tired of people citing "studies" that are poorly executed and pseudoscientific. I guess that's what I get for being an Epidemiology and Biostatistics Master's student...
And of course being given oxytocin will make you feel positively towards your partner. The preceding argument isn't necessary. Seriously, 8 hugs a day is a better goal.
Healthy fighting with your SO is an art.. and Im sad to say we women tend to suck at it. Why? Because we like to remember EVERYTHING and bring it all up as amo in a fight. (It took me a year and a half of marriage to figure out this is a bad idea and solves nothing)/
A healthy fight stays on topic, does not involve name calling or degrading (or any other form of mental/emotional/verbal abuse) and its fair. Both sides should get time to express their thoughts/feelings on the subject at hand. And if it gets out of control, then the couple should be mature enough to "pause" their fight, walk away and cool off, and come back to it another time.
Fighting fair also means leaving your best friend, mother and everyone else you want to run to saying "He is so wrong! You agree with me right?". It stays between the couple.
our fights ALWAYS take on the exact same format. She apologizes for no reason to become the "victim". I'll cry. She'll say "you always have to be right/I can never be right" or something to that effect. Then she'll get angry that I'm crying because now I'm the "victim". Now that I realized this, I've started to say what phase is coming next, poking fun at how predictable we are. It brings a little humor into the situation. We argue about such ridiculous crap, anyway.
It's also a good idea to set "rules" when not fighting. Like - don't bring shit up from 2 years ago! Or... no comparing me to my mother for gods sake! That type of thing.
Oh ya, don't go to bed mad. lol
It's happened where we were closer afterward. Usually just an over-due airing out of grievances.
Our fights involve a lot of yelling. He's usually in the right and I'm (usually) in the wrong. I tend to let my emotions override my logic and once I've finally calmed down I can truly see when I'm in the wrong. I apologize and when he's wrong he'll apologize too. I think why we work so well and no fight ever goes unsolved is because neither of us are stubborn. We're able to accept when we're wrong and that makes all the difference.
We feel sexually attracted to each other after my boyfriend and I have a big argument.
If it's something you can solve it's ok, but then there usually is no reason to get in a nasty fight.
If people say nasty stupid things I don't trust them again. I try to avoid doing it too.
Unfortunately I am just one of those people who is...for a word...passionate. And I tend to like men who also in the same way. Strong personalities butt heads. I like fighting. I like lively debates, and personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship were that wasn't okay. Some men are predisposed to hating fights and not seeing how beneficial they are to relationships.
Healthy bickering DEFINATELY exists.
And I think sometimes you need a good fight to clear the air but only if both of you can deal with the aftermath approprietly.
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With my ex, we used to fight a lot. It got to the point when we both started verbally abusing each other and then I started physically abusing him. I would throw things at him I would try to punch him I would call him names I would try to do anything to hurt him. I left him because I didn't love him anymore and I didn't want to treat him that way anymore. No ONE deserves to be treated that way.
With my boyfriend now, he has taught me soooo much. When we would disagree, I actually listen to him. Before I would run off and shut myself out. We can actually talk it out and resolve our problems the same day. We never try to leave mad. Its much better to solve the problems right when they arise. And I do feel much closer to him.