Sunday, 26 February 2012
I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, so I thought I'd ask you, the Xanga community. Does anyone else feel like the person you are, and the person other people see are totally different?
I do not try to put forward a false representation of myself, or to be someone I'm not. I just have never really been comfortable speaking freely about my inner thoughts. Until my last, and only real Xanga post, opening up has been a very rare occurrence.
I think this has caused many problems in romantic relationships, which is really no surprise. I try to show love, when I feel it, but I don't think I do a very good job of it. Unfortunately I seem to be quite good at expressing jealousy, which is something I despise about myself. I wish I was never jealous, and there was a time in my teens that I wasn't. There was a relationship way back then that ended with the girl cheating, and jealousy has been an issue ever since.
Jealousy is an ugly, primal reaction to one's self image, and really has nothing at all to do with the actions of anyone else. I think people who experience the wrath of a jealous lover don't always understand that. This can lead to them feeling guilty, without cause, or angry with cause. Just know that most of us who do get jealous know it is all us, and that there really is no reason or excuse for it. It's really a shame that other feelings aren't as easy for some to express.
Two things an ex said to me, at separate times, really made me understand just how lousy I was at expressing myself. She once told me she still gets those butterflies in her stomach every time I call, or we were going to see each other. This was many years into our relationship, and alone, I thought it was sweet.
A few days later she told me something that changed my view on that statement. She said, even after all the years we had been together, she doesn't feel like she knows me at all. This was during an argument, and when put together with the first statement, was pretty profound, at least to me. I realized both statements were really trying to tell me the same thing: I'm lousy at letting people in.
This, of course, affects more than just romantic relationships. While I have always done well at work, I know I come across as cold or hard to my coworkers. I'm sure, to a lesser extent, to my family too. So, I guess my question is why do some people find it hard to be expressive? Why, when you know it causes you harm, is it so hard to change?
I guess, given these two posts, you could say I am trying to change that. It may be a start, but I don't think I could be this expressive without anonymity. I think we all present what we want other people to see to some extent. I just feel like what people see of me isn't something I try to put forth.
I think it's more the absence of what I don't put forth, if that makes sense. Is this totally odd? Does anyone else feel like this, or know people that come across like this?
I guess I will continue posting here, when I can think of something to write. Writing is normally very difficult for me, but these last two posts, once started, just flowed like a broken fountain pen. Maybe more inspiration will come soon. Thanks for your time.