Sunday, 26 February 2012
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The Person vs. The Persona
I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way, so I thought I'd ask you, the Xanga community. Does anyone else feel like the person you are, and the person other people see are totally different?
I do not try to put forward a false representation of myself, or to be someone I'm not. I just have never really been comfortable speaking freely about my inner thoughts. Until my last, and only real Xanga post, opening up has been a very rare occurrence.
I think this has caused many problems in romantic relationships, which is really no surprise. I try to show love, when I feel it, but I don't think I do a very good job of it. Unfortunately I seem to be quite good at expressing jealousy, which is something I despise about myself. I wish I was never jealous, and there was a time in my teens that I wasn't. There was a relationship way back then that ended with the girl cheating, and jealousy has been an issue ever since.
Jealousy is an ugly, primal reaction to one's self image, and really has nothing at all to do with the actions of anyone else. I think people who experience the wrath of a jealous lover don't always understand that. This can lead to them feeling guilty, without cause, or angry with cause. Just know that most of us who do get jealous know it is all us, and that there really is no reason or excuse for it. It's really a shame that other feelings aren't as easy for some to express.
Two things an ex said to me, at separate times, really made me understand just how lousy I was at expressing myself. She once told me she still gets those butterflies in her stomach every time I call, or we were going to see each other. This was many years into our relationship, and alone, I thought it was sweet.
A few days later she told me something that changed my view on that statement. She said, even after all the years we had been together, she doesn't feel like she knows me at all. This was during an argument, and when put together with the first statement, was pretty profound, at least to me. I realized both statements were really trying to tell me the same thing: I'm lousy at letting people in.
This, of course, affects more than just romantic relationships. While I have always done well at work, I know I come across as cold or hard to my coworkers. I'm sure, to a lesser extent, to my family too. So, I guess my question is why do some people find it hard to be expressive? Why, when you know it causes you harm, is it so hard to change?
I guess, given these two posts, you could say I am trying to change that. It may be a start, but I don't think I could be this expressive without anonymity. I think we all present what we want other people to see to some extent. I just feel like what people see of me isn't something I try to put forth.
I think it's more the absence of what I don't put forth, if that makes sense. Is this totally odd? Does anyone else feel like this, or know people that come across like this?
I guess I will continue posting here, when I can think of something to write. Writing is normally very difficult for me, but these last two posts, once started, just flowed like a broken fountain pen. Maybe more inspiration will come soon. Thanks for your time.
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- From: ServedCold@xanga
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Comments (30)
I'm pretty forward with everyone I talk to. I am who I am and don't see the need to pretend for other people. :) It's healthy for ya.
I can't control how other people see me. There will always be reasons that are beyond my control for others to hate(or like) me. All I can do is be happy with who I've built myself into being. I'm happy where I am and I hope that sets the tone for the rest of my life here on this Earth.
I can relate to this a lot. I come off as cold sometimes but frankly it helps me seek out the right people to be friends with or be in a relationship with. They can't be just anyone. So yeah, people I work with might see a completely different part of me then my friends and vice versa. Humans are too complex to be the same one dimensional person for their whole lives. I've changed in many ways because that is the evolution of a personality and I wouldn't learn shit if I was still the same person I was a couple years ago. In the end of course you will always have your "core self" so to speak but your opinions and thoughts will change as time goes by and it's a good thing. Being indecisive as a person is a totally different thing and leaves no room for growth.
I've learned to open myself up to others in a way that does not compromise myself and my beliefs. I will never be an overly expressive person so people who get to know me have to understand that upfront or it won't work. But will I shrug off their attempt to connect? No. Not unless they give me a good reason to.
I think it's a kind of state that you get comfortable with. Because you don't have to show feelings, so you won't be judged. You don't/won't show who you really are.Therefore, you won't be criticized. Which criticism is something no one enjoys.
Personally, I just can't show emotion due to feeling inadequate, it's a thought of "What would it matter?" I suppose.
So I think it's just like the saying from All the World's a Stage by Shakespeare, as cliché as it might be, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players” it's easier to put on a mask than to be recognized for who you truly are.
Then again, those are just a couple of the examples of why one may not be able to show emotion. I'm no professional. But I'm sure there's an ocean of reasons why people do this.
Without a doubt!.
All the redneck losers in my hometown see me as a "fag" because I like to fuck tyrannies. But they won't say anything to me because I can kick there ass!!! So fuck em!
i'm forward, loud and sarcastic and i'm not afraid to get what i want or speak up about it. im the type of person who is "what you see is what you get" but that gets misconstrued to me being someone i'm really not also. i've heard some people say i'm a whiner but i don't think i whine about anything, if i don't like something, i'm going to be honest and just say that i don't like it. i think i'm pretty honest about who i am and what i want.
I can relate. The person I am and the person that people think I am are different. Its not that I hide who I am. No one really makes an effort to take the time to see who I really am. I think people might have a hard time relating to me because I am on the shy side.
i definitely understand this. who people think i am and who the people who know me think i am are night/day opposites. i think for me, though, it stems a lot from appearances and stereotypes. at my college, a lot of people still hang on to that idea that you can be either smart or pretty - you can't be both. it's pretty customary to assume that if a female is beautifully dressed, has nice hair and is wearing make-up, she's probably stupid...so people like to make that assumption about me.
people who get to know me realize i'm anything but.
nothing is difficult until you think it so.
once you are scarred it is difficult to let others in.
it is difficult for certain people to behave in an extroverted manner due to behavioral conditioning, like being truly hurt by someone you loved.
"I just feel like what people see of me isn't something I try to put forth." then it sounds like time you start examining your life.
I think it's normal to find it difficult to express yourself, I think everyone experiences that in their life as some point. Sometimes, it's hard to express yourself because it might not be the right person that you're trying to express yourself to. It's really hard to say because it can connect with a lot of other issues as well. If in a relationship, you know your role, then there shouldn't be a problem. But then again, the word relationship has it's own chapter in the book. Maybe, that person you've been with isn't the one that you find yourself being comfortable with and expressing yourself. I mean it drags other categories into this "expressing yourself" issue.
Though, of course people always always mistaken situations, that's why we have misunderstandings. But, what matters is addressing the issue and resolve it. What other people see and think doesn't matter as long as you don't let yourself down.
I act very strict and serious at work
I give the standoffish impression and it is true
because I don't want to be subpar slackers like some of them. I don't really care if they think I'm arrogant or cold at work because I don't mix business with personal time. they can gossip and not be serious about work if they want, but I won't be part of their unprofessional and immature horsing around. I don't see my elitism as a bad thing though. I screen and filter out the best of the best to be my select few friends. maybe those people are lousy at paying attention and understanding the other person rather than being the person's fault of being lousy at letting people in. that would explain why some people in my family don't really know me at all even if they've supposedly known me my entire life
I think some people are just too self absorbed to understand others. each case is different, so the analysis might differ. I mainly find it hard to be expressive when I don't have a connection with the people/person. why force myself to connect with them when I can't stand them or we just don't have anything in common-_- it is ironic that I hate small talk yet my work involves small talk interaction with tons of people. however, I don't have to get to know them personally, so that's a relief:P I have to put on a mask at work and be an actress of sorts and I get paid to pretend to care about people and make them feel special when they really aren't. if I didn't have to deal with them at work and I saw them in a regular environment, I wouldn't even give them the time of day. harsh eh
I have multiple personas to deal with various scenarios
these alter egos are essential to survive in my hospitality biz. I'm an elitist when I'm not at work, too, so I'm true to character
anyway, I usually spoil my guy with genuine specialness
This is exactly what i've been feeling the whole time. even those closest to me, say my sister, thinks that im too cold. I never thought it as a good/bad thing, until recently, i was shocked myself how unfeeling i am. it's really bothering me now, and as much as i wanna change, i don't know how. Could really use some help.
I've been told by at least two people that I seemed like a bitch before they got to know me, lol. I'm just shy, though. Maybe that leads to me being standoffish, or cold, but I'm actually very nice to people if they try and get to know me.
You should check out information on "Sensory Perception Sensitivity" commonly known as HSP or "Highly Sensitive Person/People" - I recently discovered that I am one of the 20% or so of people in the world who are an HSP and the knowledge that there are other people out there like me (and learning more about the trait itself) have changed my perspectives in so many good ways. It sounds like to me that you might be an HSP too, so I would encourage you to at least check it out and see if it makes sense for you. I especially recommend books by Dr. Elaine Aron, who pioneered research in the area and is an HSP herself. I very much enjoy my personality and the way I am, but it's so nice to know that there ARE others out there like me and that I definitely normal (although a minority).
We judge ourselves by our intentions and thoughts. Others can only judge us by our actions and words. So the result definitely comes out different; this isn't that surprising.
If you want to be more open with people about your inner self, it might be a matter of practice? Obviously I only have your post to go off of, I don't know you. But now that you've identified that you are not happy with how close you are keeping your thoughts and feelings, you can take steps to change this. Identify the situations where you might want to be more expressive. Then start being more expressive; not all at once, but at a rate you are more or less comfortable with, perhaps only in specific situations (your relationship sounds like a good start? Ideally your SO is someone you trust and can be open with...) Perhaps, start with telling people you are close to about this; that you feel you aren't a very expressive person and would like to be more so. Friends and family that are worth being more open with will be on your side. :)
I know what you mean though. Everybody thinks they are somebody else in their head, no matter how true you are to other people, or how open you are, there's still a lot of shit that stays in your head, that nobody else hears or feels.
I try to be forward with who I am, but I think it's a natural reflex to hide a bit. Trust doesn't come easily, especially if you've been burned before because you opened up to the wrong person. I don't agree with people who do it to try and make themselves seem better than they really are, to purposefully fool people. However, I can understand a person who's hard to get to know because they are afraid of showing their true colors. . . Good luck with everything : ]
♥L
-SM
I don't ever pretend to be anyone other than myself, I just selectively choose what I let people see about me.
Most people get to see the generic normal guy persona when they meet me but if they manage to catch me rock climbing, at a party or if I just like their vibe, they get to meet what I consider the real me. I'm a nice but weird goofy guy and I understand that's a bit much for some to handle so I select and choose who I show that side of me to. Nothing wrong with having a persona as long as you can distinguish it from your real self and can switch it off on command.
Well...personas I believe are just aspects of yourself. For example. I am me...but when I'm on Drill weekend and I'm in uniform I am me the soldier, not just...me the girl who likes watching tv shows and reading books. You know what I mean?
You should not even be asking this question why others see you another way than you see yourself.
Because you are not yourself in that you are uncomfortable being or showing yourself to others, this is the reason you are causing people to see you as someone differently than who you are really inside. The hiding/concealing the real you is the Barrier. Once you are yourself, your image of self and others image of you will match up and the confusion will dissipate.
Also jealousy is just a sign of you not going after what you want or not getting what you want, so you sit around and get jealous of others. Solution: Start doing what you want or trying. When you see it isnt easy to get and you understand the process of attaining difficult goals and what it takes to maintain that goal, your jealousy will also go away.
I thought I was loving and very complimentary.... until my boyfriend told me that I rarely vocalize my love by saying things other than just "I love you".....
I'm glad he told me that, now I'm working on it!
maybe people are scared to get hurt?
@PatentMagician@xanga - Wrong type of jealousy. I am not jealous of other peoples possessions, or relationships. I am talking about jealousy within a relationship, the least logical kind; jealous of what you already have.