Saturday, 25 February 2012
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My Controlling Mother-in-Law
I love my future mother-in-law, I really do. So far, she has been like an angel sent from the good Lord above. She's sweet, helpful, funny, generous, caring, and other words synonymous with "good mother."
But, as our wedding rapidly approaches in less than three months, she's become a bit, er, controlling. It started with the wedding guest list a while back. Because of financial complications, I was forced to axe half of my family from my portion of the guest list. Knowing this, my mother-in-law chimes in, wanting to invite cousins that even my fiance doesn't remember/know. My fiance and I finalized the guest list by ourselves, listing only the people who were most important to him.
More recently, while sending out Christmas cards, I sent her a list, asking for a few addresses. She asked why and I told her I was sending out Christmas cards. Once again, she took the liberty to send me a list of people that she thought I should send Christmas cards to. Lady, I love you, but I'm very limited on Christmas cards and only the people who mean the most to me are getting them.
With the wedding guest list finalized, I realized there was only one more event before the wedding that we would need a guest list for: the bridal shower. This is where my frustrations peaked. She began messaging me about different people, had I invited them, and if not, why? I have always been under the impression that the bridal shower is for close family and friends - not people I've never even met or have only met once. Then, she proceeded to say that my fiance's grandmother would be mad at me if I didn't invite her sister to the bridal shower.
After the treatment I've gotten from his grandmother, I could give a shit less if she gets mad at me anyway. She hasn't liked me from the beginning, simply because she told his dad that I remind her of his dad's first wife. So basically, just because I had blonde hair, I didn't even have a fair chance of being in her good graces. Once we got engaged, she came over to visit and my fiance was so excited to tell her the good news. With a disgusted look on her face, she said, "With all that money, I would have bought her something she REALLY wanted instead of a piece of jewelry."
After my fiance and I had gotten engaged and been together for a year and a half, she presented me with a card at Christmas with "?" on the envelope. She said, "I couldn't remember your name, so I just put a question mark." My feelings were hurt, and as I told my fiance, I would have rather her remembered my name and not gotten a gift than for her to have forgotten my name and gotten me anything. So, pleasing her is obviously not at the top of my to-do list.
Today, his mother messaged me again, wanting to know why I hadn't invited her cousin and her cousin's mom and grandma. I asked for said cousin's address, because I didn't intend on sending one to the cousin's mom or grandma, simply because I don't know them. She replied with five addresses, which included two additional people that were not included in the previous text.
Then I realized something. This is never going to end. I may have a chance to relax... but soon after we get married, we want to have a baby and what happens with a baby? Baby showers. And then there'll be the Christmas cards again. And then the kids' birthday parties. And then the kids school functions that are sometimes invite only. And then the kids' graduations. I am literally exhausted at the thought of it.
And I know that some of you have way worse mothers-in-law, but this, I believe, is just the beginning for me.
Have you experienced similar situations with your mother-in-law?
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- From: jesshinson
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Comments (35)
A bit of advise. When you get married, I would recommend you live far far away from her.
How about just telling her "I'm afraid that won't be possible" when she shoves guest lists in your face? It's your wedding, your life, she will need to know NOW that she is acting unacceptable. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
As for the grandmother, your fiance should have stood up for you from the beginning. He can discuss how much of a bitch she is being (in nicer terms..) and how if her behavior remains the same she can be a bitch by herself while y'all enjoy a lovely wedding and shower.
When you marry a person, you marry their family too. Just an FYI.
The bridal shower bit is a bit difficult - i hate getting invited to bridal showers where I don't even know the bride too well and often opt out because that involves getting a gift and spending a few hours with people I don't really know. Hopefully if you are forced to invite all these distant relatives on his side of the family, they will choose not to go. Besides - I thought the bridal shower is for the bride and often very few if any members of the groom's side is invited except for maybe immediate family, but I could be wrong.
You'd better discuss this with her (and with your fiance in the room) before you get married.
When she makes requests....just smile, nod and then do what you want
My soon to be mother in law is such a nightmare that SHE isn't even invited to the wedding. I wish I had one as "nice" as yours XD
If she is helping to pay, then she gets a say. If she isn't, then she doesn't...simple as that. Thank her for her input, but politely tell her you've run out of room on the guest list, and maybe you'll try to squeeze them in for the next function. She can't really argue with that. And if she does, tell her it's a money issue. That will usually close the subject. The thing is, I'm sure she means well, she just doesn't know when to quit.
-Katie
what does your fiance say?
Wow I could have written this.. My mil is the same way.. Which is why I am very thankful my husband moved up here and his family is way down on Florida. (we are in Canada)
The best thIng you can do is talk to your guy about it and make sure you are in full agreement on how to deal with her. Then you will know he will always have you back.the second thing, stand your ground. This is your wedding, your marriage and your life. Stay calm, remember to breath.. And when she starts to drive u completely insane just remember that without her you would not have your hubby. =)@Shadowrunner81@xanga - THIS
Just make sure that the bjs you give your future hubby keeps him around and you will be fine.
OH MY GOODNESS! I'm actually experiencing this right now, haha. My fiance and I are getting married next month. When we started our guest list, my fiance's side looked rather empty, so even though we were on a budget I asked his mom to help me out with his side. And she says, "Oh yes. There are DEFINITELY more we could add." She added like, well, a TON of people. So, my fiance and I have basically just cut off a lot of those people without telling her. Because it's our wedding, haha. But he says she's always tried to be over-bearing, and he's just had to fight her off all his life. I guess right now I'm preparing for a life full of a controlling mom-in-law as well as my clingy mom!
"I couldn't remember your name, BUT you get a Christmas card". wow, quite pretentious. Anyway I agree with @MiriamBeth@xanga - I think it's important to et clear lines now, if you want a good relationship in the future. It's in her best interest too after all.
If this were happening with me I would talk to my fiance. Tell him how you feel, tell him your issues with his mother. Be nice about it, but be totally honest with him. Tell him that you want a small bridal shower, and if he agrees, then either he talks to his mother alone about that, or you both do. Do this for each issue you have. It probably won't be pretty, but it has to be done if you want to be happy. I think this should be done now, with wedding preparations as well as when you have a baby, etc.
"I couldn't remember your name, so I just put a question mark."
Omg LOL what a mean old lady! Hahahah that is hilarious though. In a horrible way. I would be mortified if that happened to me, and very, very, angry. Really it is beyond rude. This should definitely be in a movie. Oh god I can't wait to use this one day.
Sorry about the horrible controlling family members you will have to put up with, but she is old so she will die..eventually..in the meantime move far, far, away.
Try "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. Really quite helpful advice about dealing with situations like this.
Ultimately all you can do is continue to be polite to your mother in law and do what you want anyway. She can't tell you what to do and if that pisses her off, too bad.
"Your marriage, their wedding." Remember that if you're planning a big wedding involving all of the family. There were people at my first wedding (ha!) that I've never even heard of, much less met in person..but they were family. The fact that I said, "my first wedding," should give you an indication of how all of that went down.
My second and FINAL wedding was just my husband and I, our two witnesses (the people that introduced us), and a pastor. His mother said she HAD to be there, and I said absolutely not (he had been married before as well). We didn't even tell them until after we were married.
Your relationship with her will have difficult moments, as mine did. We live just a few minutes away, and now I love the fact that we have family to rely on. Just remember to take deep breaths!
powerful kumar,(powerfulkumar@yahoo.com)I wanted to inform you of something. Okay, I currently live with my ex-boyfriend's mom because her husband and my ex moved to South Carolina. Well, you performed the love retrieval spell for me. I work 3rd shift and when I came home this morning, my ex's truck
was in the driveway. I just got up and we chatted for a few minutes and he told me that he was moving back home. I just wanted to share this good news with you. Thanks. Your friend Kim
Yep, I've got a MIL who likes to control... I've been finding out over the past year that it tends to be in a sneaky, manipulative way. Wish I could say I've figured out what to do about it, but I haven't.
My best suggestion is just to politely decline, or, when she asks you something, say that you need to talk to your fiance first and that you two will make the decision later.
I dont have MIL problems since my fiance's mom has passed. BUT i do have future SIL and FIL problems, similar to you i dont think i was ever given a fair chance either. Im chinese and my fiance is korean. And on top of that, i always feel like i was always trying to fix that. I did ALOT for my bf's family and all, but they would never acknowledge it or even think about reconsidering their attitudes towards me. Worse of all, they don't act this way when my bf is around, only when he's NOT around. I mean, my bf knows. He has spoken to them about it. BUT, in the end i decided to forget trying. I've literally stopped ALL contacts. Blocked my future SIL off of my facebk. And her husband. And then whenever family holiday dinners come around, i just go home to my family. I started making the turkey at my house, so now I have a duty to go home and do it every year. My bf sees his family like maybe once a week or 2 weeks. Back then i would go with, now Im like, no, im busy... I have other things to do. I think they got the hint. Theyve asked, but my bf tells them im busy with my career and now the wedding plans.
Pretty much, be nice and cordial, but if ur distant with your life and ur plans, they cant interfere. My bridal shower/parties are only gunna consist of those i care for, and my future sil wont even know when im planning that. She's def. NOT invited. So my advice, next time ur planning this, dun even bother letting ur MIL now. She's gunna wanna have a say in it... n to make it easier on ur self... just avoid it. Goooood Luck! And congrats on the engagement. :)
you're 20 and getting married? good luck...
@Shadowrunner81@xanga - i totally agree.
you may not think that but you're still marrying her son and i'm sure she wants to have her people enjoy this moment with her too even though it's your marriage. there's a line i will always remember, "our marriage, their wedding..." it's a line from a movie and i forget the name of the movie but it's so true. i know that for my wedding (in the future) my mom's gonna want to have her friends invited too even though it's not her wedding per se but it's bc she wants to others to know about the wedding and celebrate it with her too even though i'm probably not gonna know those people.
Ohhh man. First thing is first. Politely yet
firmlytell your mother-in-law that while you appreciate all the love & support & help she's given..this is you & your husband-to-be's LIFE. Not hers. She may not even realize that she's become overbearing & smothering, so a polite, respectful yet, firm reminder/asking for her to step aside is definitely needed. I can a 100% sympathize with you on this by the way, while you don't have children yet..a friend of mine was pregnant last year & the fathers mother threw a baby shower for her. Nice? Sure.. if you don't pay attention to all the female members on the fathers mothers side. Aunts, sisters, cousins, & friends..all of which my friend never even met; & you don't pay any mind that my friends OWN MOTHER wasn't invited! That's right..she wasn't invited. Apparently, in the small town there was some feelings between the moms..When my friend tried to get her mother to come, her mother said it was alright, she didn't want there to be tension & to ruin the baby shower. But still, what a shit thing to do! The fathers mother SHOULD have invited her, feelings or no feelings, it's NOT ABOUT THE FATHERS MOTHER. It's about my friend, her then boyfriend [Needless to say they didn't even last, thanks to his overbearing mother] & the baby.
So really, what I am saying here..is you need to have a chat asap with Mother-In-Law Dearest. Lay out some polite & CLEAR boundaries & pray that she follows them. It's rough on mothers to see their son or daughter going off or having babies & not being able to raise them the way they think they should be or not butting in completely & taking over the wedding. They often forget in the chaos that their time is over [sadly] & they must step aside & be supportive of their offspring yet respectful. As for the grandmother..pffft. That old bag isn't worth a second thought! No sense in trying to please her if she's made up her mind about you based on biased experiences. You might want to politely add that in to the chat with your future mother-in-law. Let her know how disrespectful the grandmother was to you, therefore you feel to be under no obligation to welcome her - if she can't at the very least be polite & respectful to you.
SIDENOTE* Just because you're marrying someone & thus "marrying their family" doesn't mean you have to put up with the emotional abuse or smothering. There is no excuse for that. If your mother-in-law doesn't understand the polite & clear guidelines or she gets worse; have a serious chat with your fiance. I hate to say it, but a man or woman who won't understand that their parents/grandparents are smothering their soon-to-be husband/wife to ridiculous heights..often has the marriage ending. I wish the best for you!