Tuesday, 21 February 2012
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I Always Have to Initiate Sex!
I'm writing this in hopes for some tips to fix my sex life with my boyfriend. It's not something I usually do since we talk everything out with each other, but I think it's time for some outside help.
Our sex life has been nothing less than amazing since we first met, aside from one little problem: I'm the one that always makes the first move! It wasn't like this at first. He used to practically drag me to the bedroom so I know there weren't any issues with attraction. The problem is that we hit a snag in our relationship about 5 months in where we had a huge fight and almost broke up.
After we made up (a month after it happened, it's been 6 months since then) it's like he's afraid to touch me now becuase he thinks it'll somehow make me angry, when in reality the results would be the total opposite. He has no problem kissing me first, holding my hand, etc... but when it comes to sex, it's like he freezes up.
I have talked to him about it a few times and he says that he's trying to build up that confidence again but it's been 6 months! If I never made a move I'm sure we wouldn't have a sex life at all. I know I'm being impatient and borderline pushy but I just miss knowing he wants me just as bad.
I guess what I really want to know is, how do I help him with his confidence?
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- From: ForYouIWright@xanga
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Comments (58)
A guy who is not sexually aggressive is not very masculine. And it sounds like you are a feminine woman who needs a manly man.
Women need to realize that healthy, masculine men are not a teddy bears.
And women need to realize that if they require a man to be a teddy bear they are going to have to accept a deficiency in masculine prowess
Wish I did. I was always in your shoes. Good luck.
Have you talked to him about wanting him to....well...WANT you? It sounds like he doesn't understand that simple fact. Also...have you in the past become upset because of something he's done in bed? Maybe talk about that trigger, and ways to avoid it so he can feel safe starting something.
May
@sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga - But when you actually are a sexually aggressive guy, they think you're a rapist. -_-;
@Kazydai@mancouch - Women have their ways. And it is up to men to learn them. After that, ecstasy.
Don't do a thing. Just wait it out until he has no choice but to make the 1st move. You may have to wait a whole month, or even 2, but just wait. While doing this make sure to dress seductively when you have the opportunity, smile at him, but don't make the first move. He'll come around soon enough.
I think you indicated the fight may have had to do with bedroom activities, but you were unclear. Guys can have sensitive libidos. If you tell a guy no enough, he will stop trying (at least with you, as harsh as that sounds). That doesn't sound like the case here, but the little info you gave sounds like he is afraid to be sexually aggressive with you. I would try to identify exactly what happened, and address it with him, face to face.
@sonnigenmai@xanga - My girlfriend doesn't initiate and I still know she wants me. Not initiating doesn't mean the person doesn't want it.
@sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga - I'm glad I gave up those pussy begging ways a long time ago.
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - Healthy women don't like men who beg. What I'm referring to is being aware of your partners needs. Conjugal love isn't about just satisfying yourself.
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - It's not about wanting "it", it's about wanting one another. Here's a thing about girls, we tend to make everything our fault. If he's not touching me...is it because I'm not pretty? Not sexy? Overweight? You can attack that too, but you know it's true. I think the same is true for the author. She knows he wants sex, but she wants him to want HER...to show her by instigating it.
I love feeling wanted by my beau. Just like he loves feeling wanted when I instigate it.
M
@sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga - Women don't like men who make it obvious that they're begging. But there are ways to beg without making it seem like you're begging. Game and pick-up artistry are examples of this type of behavior. What you seem to be referring to is that smooth and suave style of putting the pussy on a pedestal. Whatever it is, it reeks of pussy begging.
@sonnigenmai@xanga - Seems pretty insecure to me.
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - Seems pretty human to me.
Have you tried changing things up in the bedroom? He may be bored if all you two ever do is missionary for example. It sounds like youv'e been in a relationship for quite a while so maybe it's time to explore your sexuality with him and maybe he'll go, "Wow, this is new, I want to do this again!".
Good luck to ya.
What did you say to him to destroy his confidence??? @_@ That would be helpful in determining advice. Otherwise, maybe don't initiate sex and see how long he can go without sex. Maybe he will break and initiate finally. I know I was in a relationship where my guy didn't initiate after a while and it sucks. -_-
Makes you wonder if they're attracted to you anymore. Good luck. :)@sonnigenmai@xanga - Sure, it sounds human. Insecure human. My girlfriend doesn't initiate and I don't think I'm unattractive because of it. Am I not human?
Is it impossible to not be paranoid about your partners reasons for not initiating?
In the ideal world, you would both be initiating sex. In reality, I find that men are tasked with initiating sex the vast majority of the time and honestly, it can get tiring sometimes. When we first got together, the GF and I would both initiate sex pretty evenly and often. Now that we've settled into the relationship a bit more, I find she's getting a tad lazy about initiating sex and fully admit it's just easier to have me do all the work >.<
Not saying I really mind initiating sex 80% of the time but yeah, it's nice to have your partner come after you every once in awhile. What guy doesn't like having his GF spontaneously tackle him for sex every once in awhile?
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - No, you seem to have a great self-esteem. And, that is wonderful. But rare. Be aware that other people ARE insecure, and sex can definitely add to insecurity for both sexes.
May
@sonnigenmai@xanga - I actually suffer from depression. The difference though, is that when I am insecure about something, I recognize that as my problem... And not the problem of my partner. So for instance, if I was insecure about her not initiating... If I felt unattractive and/or ugly when she didn't initiate... That would be my problem, and my problem alone. It wouldn't be up to her to start initiating. And I wouldn't be trying to find ways to get her to cater to my insecurities. I wouldn't be trying to find ways to make HER confident... I would be trying to find ways to make ME confident, so that I could get over the fact that she didn't initiate. She isn't my knight in shining armor. Know what I mean?
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - I think that's personal. Following a disfiguring, near-death experience, I developed body dysmorphia. I know what it is. I know it's my problem. But my beau's constant reassurance that he still loves me and finds me beautiful helps every day. Not just through saying it, but through his actions as well. A relationship is a partnership, it is a sharing of burdons...and honestly, both partners should be receptive to each other's insecurities.
May
Find a boyfriend who you don't always have to be the one who makes the first move. You guys are probably fighting to keep a dead relationship alive. Good Luck!
What was the snag...
Just hold off on sex for a while. If you stop initiating and he hasn't been, he will probably get to the point where he can't hold off anymore and start initiating again.
Confidence boosts, talk to him, tell him you love love it when he initiates, when he touches you tell him you like it, when he kisses you tell him you like it, etc. Basically just reassure him that whatever he's doing is right and that you want it that way. Talk to him about how you want him to start and that you are ok with it, that he won't hurt you, etc. Will probably take time, especially if the snag you hit that almost broke you up had some physical or sexual aspect to it.
Stop making the first move. Easy as that.