Friday, 17 February 2012
Someone recently pointed out to me that it had been 5 years since my last post. I have never been into social networking much, I'm a quiet person. I refused to ever make a Facebook, Myspace (way back when people still used it), LinkedIn, etc. on principle. I made a Xanga on a whim, and only used it to wish someone happy birthday when we weren't speaking; I think they got it. No idea how long after I posted it though.
The fact of the matter is, nothing has happened worth posting in those 5 years. Time marches on, day in, day out. It flies by, leaving me feeling younger...no, less mature, than my years demand. The only things that mark another year are new wrinkles and an expanding waistline. When I look in the mirror, I see a man, but inside feel the same as I did in high school. I guess not quite, I was more social back then. I had many friends, and at least my share of GFs. For all of my twenties there was just one though.
It was a rocky relationship, to say the least. We spent almost as much of that time apart as together. It was some of the best times of my life, and some of the worst too. It seems you can love someone with all that you are, but still can't make it work. The problem with love is, it doesn't care if you were able to make it work or not. When it is real love, it is always with you, even if years have passed. Even if she is with someone else.
It has to have been more than 5 years now, and still hurts like it was yesterday. I guess I've learned to live with the pain, to force it down deep inside. At least until my strength fails and it rises with a vengeance before I can regain my composure and bury it deep again. There is nothing easy about love. There has been nothing serious since, and no urge to find something serious. There have been women, some wanted more than I did, some were probably on the same page as me and knew it would be short lived. We just enjoyed it while it lasted.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, why I have no fire for life, no drive to change what this life has become. It's rare these days that I do anything, aside from work. This life has not been great, mostly my own doing, and I find myself hoping it doesn't last too long, and praying that the next one is better. I'm not a very religious person, but reincarnation sounds better than where my Catholic upbringing says I'm headed.
Fingers crossed the Buddhists got it right! I don't know much about Buddhism, so I hope my ignorant ideas don't offend anyone. Re-reading that sounds bad. I'd never harm myself, not at all what I meant. Just a few things have happened over my life that Catholicism does not accept.
I've never put voice or pen to thoughts like these. Might have been better if I kept it that way. Maybe I'll talk to you again in another 5 years, if not before, Xanga!