Hi everyone.
I'm 23 this year, and just got out of a relationship with this guy I regarded as 'the love of my life.' We were together for a year and a half.
Everything was great, and then he went into university and started working towards his studies and career in the investment banking line, and I graduated and entered the work-force. That left us with plenty of major changes in terms of our self growth and development; our perspective and mindset on various issues differed, and to add on to that, we spent less time together, and eventually, our relationship became rocky and we drifted apart (sadly). Nonetheless, we both agreed to work hard on the relationship and to try our best to keep it going as we cherished our bond.
That was until I logged into his Gmail account (we shared passwords) to compile photographs and our past email conversations for a Valentine's Day scrapbook gift. I came across some Whatsapp conversations (a chat program for Iphones and Android phones) he had sent to his email. Strangely, I felt a sixth sense to click on it. While I should not have been snooping, I'm glad I did because otherwise, I would have never known he was cheating on me.
The contents of the conversations clearly showed that he was speaking to a girl we both know, but he had changed the girl's name to 'Charles,' as a means to hide her identity from me. The conversations were provocative and over-friendly and it sickened me to my stomach to read them. To think he had once told me that he would only back-up our conversations via email because our conversations meant so much to him.
The moment I read those messages, something in me died and I knew I would have to break up with him because I'd never be able to trust him again.
I confronted him, not letting him know I had read the conversations. I hoped he would at least be honest with me, to bear respect for me and for our relationship. He denied everything, and even sent me an edited version of his conversation with her, trying to cover up his lies with more lies. Finally, I told him I had read the conversations. That was when he came clean and told me I had infringed his privacy.
He did finally apologize after a few days, and even got me some presents. He told me he was not looking for a relationship with her, but it felt like he could speak to her regarding his career in banking whereas I could not understand him in that aspect. That hurt a lot. He told me he knew I would not want to be with him romantically, but he wanted to stay in my life as a good friend.
I have not answered him. Every time he texts me, I read the messages and feel an uncontrollable sense of betrayal, disgust and hurt. I did not reply to him, and do not wish to reply unless I am sure I can be friends with him.
I am friends with all of my other exes, but that is because I did not lose respect for them or for the good times we had shared. I do hope to be friends with him one day, since I do not wish to be one who bear grudges and it is true that we have the potential to be good friends. However, everyone around me who knows him as well has told me he is not worth my time, even as a friend. I don't want to be friends with him and feel such hurt when I see him either.
So I wanted to ask, what is your take on being friends with an ex who cheated on you?
Thanks everyone for your valuable insights.
Have a good year and smile no matter what happens! Never lose hope in true love. Cheers!
Recommend
Comments (41)
I've been in a very very similar situation to you! We had dated for around a year and two months... then all of a sudden she cheated on me. Don't wanna explain the reasons because it seems absolutely ridiculous and farcical. But for some reason she came clean about it herself without me actually investigating in any way.
I honestly thought that she was the love of my life, until that point. Even though I still wanted her back because I loved her that much. I guess things were different. I am still friends with her nowadays, but we rarely talk. I know that everyone will bombard with messages of that you should erase him/her completely from your life. But as we know, its kinda difficult because they were that important/big in your life, removing it would be like suicide and killing a big portion of yourself.
I would suggest that you keep to the high moral ground and just stay as friends. Better to have a friend than an enemy. Yes, things might be awkward at the beginning, but eventually you will see why it didn't work out. I hope everything works out for you here. If you require anymore advice about it, pm me or something...:)
ooo man, that is :/ serious bummer right there, that must really hurt :( . MAYBE some day you can be friends with him, but you shouldn't try to force yourself. first of all, you have to get over the pain of the heartbreak right now, that's hard enough. then, eventually, you'll have to do some soul-searching and some forgiving. then after all of that, and only after all of that, you might consider if its worth a friendship. seriously for now i wouldn't reply to those texts or accept those gifts. let yourself heal first, and the only thing that helps is time and distance :/
It's not healthy to hold grudges, but it's also not healthy to keep someone as a friend if seeing and talking to him makes you feel so sick and disgusted that you need to puke.
only you know which option makes you happier. I'd choose never talking to him again. I'm not friends with people who mistreated me. I think there are many people in this world who could be better friends than this person.
I could never be friends with a guy who has cheated on me. Just for the simple fact that I would feel nothing but pure hatred for him. I'd rather hold a grudge than to let him think he can get away with shit like that, which being his friend is essentially letting him know that he doesn't have to deal with any consequences.
There is no rule on the books that says that in order to be mature you have to be friends with all of your exes. If you aren't comfortable with him...and he did hurt you and destroy your trust...then don't feel obligated to be his friend. Let go and move on. You're young and your life lies ahead of you. Don't waste time on people who hold you back.
I should take my own advice.. ;)
its not worth it. dont try to reason or think about the details or the pros/cons... its just not worth it.
I say, if you can and really want to be, you can try. No one can tell you if you can or can't. Only that you can try or not try.
If you can truly put the past behind you, feel free. But it sounds like you've a long path towards that to conquer first. I'm sorry for your pain. *hugs*
I am friends with all of my exes except the one who cheated. I just never could let go of the resentment.
well firstly, i have to say that all men in investment banking end up cheating.
I'm friends with all my exes except the 2 who cheated. It would NEVER be possible for me to be friends with those two. In my eyes, a cheater is worthless and if they'll harm the one they love the most, then I can only imagine what sort of damage and lies they spew at their friends and other humans.
That depends on what you do with people you consider friends. I am friends with a cheating ex and we just hang out when I'm in town. We don't talk about romantic topics. If you're looking for a very close friendship where you can talk to him about everything, don't be friends. If you're just looking for a friend you can see occassionally, go for it.
I couldn't do it, just because...well, cheating to me shows a real lack of morals and respect for others, and I wouldn't be able to stay friends with someone who was capable of that kind of thing.
I was married 25 yrs and he cheated multiple times and produced one child that I am sure of. I loathed him but stayed for years after until I finally decided I deserved better. The separation was nasty at first as to be expected, but today we are civil to one another. I do not, nor will I ever forgive him but we are at a point where we can be distant friends. We have a son and grandson so we really don't have much choice but to be civil. I also learned that carrying around all that hate and contempt was a weight I didn't want...it held me down in life. Having said all this...it has taken almost 3 yrs to get to this point. Maybe in time you can get past this and become friends but allow yourself to be angry, pissed off etc. You have a right to feel those things. When you realize it is holding you back and weighing you down you will find a way to let it go even if you never become friends again. In the grand scheme of life does it truly matter if you never do become friends? All the best...you will find someone...the right one in time :)
What's the point in staying friends with an ex? Especially one who's betrayed you. That's not a consequence of what kind of relationship you had... that's his character. I would not be friends with someone who had a bad character.
if a friend betrayed you in actions equivalent to what your ur ex did , would you still want to be friends with that friend? No, you would sever that friendship. If he wasn't a good bf who cheated on you, what would make him an honest friend?
My ex-husband and I had dated three years prior to marrying each other for another three years. I left him when his priority shifted to hanging out with his friends and partying and when I found out that he was cheating on me. I chose NOT to stay friends with him even though we had a lot of history together. It just wasn't worth it.
If he wanted out of the relationship, he could of just told me. Well, he did, but he decided to give our marriage another chance right before he started cheating. It's just very hurtful and disrespectful. I can't be friends with someone like that.
I hope you can decide what will be best for you. Before you can be his friend, you'll have to forgive him and move on first.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - I wouldn't go that far. Sometimes people just make better friends than lovers. Though it's difficult to remember that AFTER being hurt.
@Seussian@xanga - But we're not talking about people who didn't make good lovers, we're talking about someone who cheated and lied. Personally, I like my friends to be honest.
If the guy were a decent, honest human being, and they just didn't connect- sure, they could choose to be friends if they wanted. That's not the case here though. Character matters in friendships and romantic relationships both.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Do you have any friends that have gotten caught up in some web of deceit that left you jilted but you forgave them eventually? Same thing...There is no right or wrong answer of course; we're both right. It just depends on what we can move past as individuals
My ex from six years ago who cheated on me just added me on Facebook and messaged me about meeting up. I lied and said I was busy, but seriously - I don't think it will go any further than Facebook. I will never get to look at him in the eye and have an actual conversation just because he hurt me. I might sound crazy, but ex who cheated is an ex who cheated for a reason.
Ex's are meant to be out of your life for a reason. They wronged you, they hurt you, and sometimes there isn't a coming back from that. I know I don't need people like that in my life.
Personally, I could never be friends with any of my ex's because my feelings are too strong. I have to be civil to my ex-husband, but that's for the kids. I would also not at all feel comfortable with my husband being friends with his cheating ex-wife. The past should stay in the past; it can't stay when the past is brought into your present.
No matter what you do...give it time.
being friends with your ex doesn't make you a better person. seriously, this person really hurt you and if you decide to never talk to them again, you're not "holding a grudge" you're just cutting someone out of your life that did something shitty to you. he broke your trust and then tried to lie about it even more and someone like that isn't deserving of you - not even as a friend.
I tried to remain friends with a cheating ex....we were together for 5 years. He was a huge part of my life and I found myself going back to him despite his cheating on me because he was comfortable to me...and I was having a hard time in my own life. I found that it made it harder for me to move on and get past the hurt that he caused me. Since, I have not actively sought his communication and I feel a lot better about it!