Wednesday, 15 February 2012
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On Loss, "The Vow," and Tragedy
It seems to me that we are often presented with this idea of loss. We lose loved ones. Such is life, quite literally. But, is it worse to lose someone unexpectedly than it is to lose someone expectedly? What I mean is, is it more tragic and harder to grieve over the loss of someone who died in a car crash than it is to lose someone who struggled and fought with brain cancer?I grew up just outside the city and when 9/11 happened, I remember truly believing my mother had cheated death. Sometimes, I still think it. She works in Manhattan and was supposed to be having lunch in one of the towers that day. I guess no one meets for lunch at 8:46 am. It is this feeling that my mother somehow cheated death that has led me to wonder how different my life would have been.
This leads me to a novel I read a couple of months ago called "American Widow" by Alissa Torres. The novel is something of a memoir-- an account of the true story of her husband who died in the North Tower on September 11, 2001. Reading it made me feel so completely differently about the experiences I had regarding the terrorist attacks that forever changed lower Manhattan and the world. I started to see it for what it was to so many thousands: a day of personal loss. A day these people can't ever get back. I'm no longer talking about the people who lost their lives, but rather the ones who lost their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives. I can't even say what I might do, or how I might react, in a situation like this. We become different people when we grieve and when we are angry.
If I remember correctly, Alissa Torres was upset with her husband that morning when he left for work. Even if she wasn't, perhaps there is still a message there: don't hold grudges. I'm guilty of not obeying such a law in relationships and friendships. The truth really is, no matter how cliche, we don't know when we'll see our loved ones next.
Or, in the case of "The Vow," a film currently in theaters, a woman suffers severe short-term memory loss and has no idea who her husband is. The same happened in reality to a man and a woman I wrote about a couple months ago. What would you do? Would you fight to win his/her heart back? Probably, but would it be so unbelievably heart-wrenching that you may sometimes tell yourself "I can't do this anymore"? Also, probably.
Yet, another part of me is reminded of an old friend of mine. About 5 years ago, she lost her father to skin cancer. She was only 17. He died during the summer and we were working together at a sleep away camp. I don't think I can forget what she said to me a few days after he died. She said, "it's like he died twice." She was referring to the fact that his doctors had given him an expiration date. He had lived past it, but his children and his wife had done all they could to cope with the fact that he would die by a certain date. They had been through their grieving process while he was alive. Then, as he pushed past the date his doctors set for him, his family began to gain hope. Then he actually died. I can't even begin to imagine what his wife went through.
While it is a bit gruesome to be thinking about death in these ways, isn't it true that most of us are wishing that when we lose the ones we love we will lose them to old age? Of course, we don't want to lose them at all, but we know that isn't a reality. The circle of life, unfortunately, involves death. But, it might be true that premature deaths are the ones that strike us most-- the ones that leave us stunned. The stage of denial might be made worse when it is unexpected.
What are your thoughts and experiences on losing your loved ones?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 21. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (15)
It's still way more tragic to suddenly lose a loved one. The "expiration date" was approximate, so the family had no reason to suddenly gain hope unless some miraculous new treatment happened. We lost a band member in a car crash one day in the fall and it was awful. We showed up to practice and basically had 400 people crying for a good half hour to an hour. There are still moments now when I suddenly remember my band mate and burst into tears because he wasn't able to experience the rest of the season, which was a great season. He was buried in his band uniform. I can never get that image, which really shouldn't exist, out of my head.
To me personally it's more difficult when it is sudden. I mean either way it is painful but in one situation you can properly grieve beforehand and be there for your loved one whereas in a car crash your whole world has changed in a way. And nothing can prepare you for that. If the person I loved most didn't remember me I would be there for them all the way. It sounds unrealistic and for some there would be the problem of the heartache and whether or not you're happy with them romantically but finding "the one" is not a top priority of mine and I am capable of unconditional love for the right person. It would hurt from time to time but the fact that they need me and I would do my best to help them remember anything at all would push the pain away. I don't care for most people but the right one will invoke immense amounts of loyalty in me.
With all due respect, I mean no offense to you, but I really think it's in very bad taste to try to judge a loss of a loved one. No matter how you lost your loved one, the grieving process is painful. So painful that you can't imagine anything worse.
Yes i lost my sister suddenly she was only 40 ..She died of C.O.P.D and NO one knew she had it.Not that it would be any easier if we knew shes was dying .But we would have not taken for granted that we will always be there for one another.
I know I'm not saying "until death do us part" unless I mean it.
losing someone you love sucks.. watching someone you love die in a hospital is one of the worst things in life... having a loved one end their own life is brutal.. because you will always ask why.. nothing about death is easy..
I dread the day i have to say good bye to my parents....
When my husband and I got married, we said until death.. and we meant it.
It sucks either way. When I lost my grandmother it wasn't quick, and it wasn't pretty. She suffered from dementia and her suffering dragged on for months. When it finally happened, even though I was relieved that her suffering was over, it still hurt. In that case, though, I had time to prepare, and as much of an ugly truth as it might be, we expect to live through the deaths of our parents and elder kin.
Losing the girl I loved, finding out she was murdered...that was unexpected. To this day, I still have moments when it haunts me, and I ask myself, knowing rationally that it was out of my hands, why I didn't do something, anything that could have averted that. I sometimes can't help those thoughts from invading my day, and those are usually the days I end up passing out drunk...
In the end, losing someone sucks.
weird that you posted this today. this might be long.
i lost my grandma yesterday. i watched it happen. i have mixed feelings of peace and sadness. it's probably the weirdest feeling. ever since i lost my dad in 2010, it's easier for me to accept things. i saw my dad suffering for many years. to find out that he passed away, sucked. it's the memories that always bring the sadness. i've learned to "BE" where i am with who i am with. as much as you don't want that person to go, accepting is my first step.
i was raised lutheran, so i was always told that death is a celebration and a victory. i don't really practice any 'religion', but it honestly helped me think a certain way. i almost always think positive; not everyone is capable of thinking the same way as i do. it just happens.
accepting is easier when you think a certain way.
is it sad? yes. does it hurt? of course. does it make sense? not really.
but even if we do not know for sure where that person actually ends up, you at least know that they don't have to suffer in this world. to me, that's awesome. why worry about where you/they will end up when we can not control it. there's no reason to be afraid. believe what you want, and hope for the best.
NOW...
when it comes to suicidal issues, i've never dealt with it, i've never considered it, and i don't know of anyone personally that has done it. i have friends who have seriously considered it. i don't know how i'd handle it, but i'd be okay. the only sad part about it is that the person did not receive enough help/clarity/love to make them stay. it's very sad, but that is THEIR choice. it's a terrible choice. a sad choice. we need to deal with things the correct way.
that's why love is so important. happiness is important.
i sound so cheesy, but this is just how i feel/how i think.
i'm BAD at writing, so i hope this wasn't so jumpy. oh well.
I think that different people react different ways to everything, and there is no way that is better for it to happen. Either way, you're in pain, and you find ways to move on with your life when your mourning period is over. It's hard, and the most important thing you can do is focus on the good in your life and do things that make you happy. It helps with the pain and depression that come with loss.
xX Ame ~*~ HanaXx
Before anything else, thank you to the other commenters who shared about their experiences; I'm sorry for your losses, and hope that you have/will find healing.
This post is so timely--I actually just lost my mother to suicide about two weeks ago.
While it was very sudden, I can't say that it was totally, absolutely unexpected. She'd entered the hospital a month before because of suicidal thoughts, and treatment hadn't really been working. Because she'd overcome depression (including suicidal thoughts) a couple decades earlier, I expected she'd get well this time, too...that we just had to hold on until the right medication was found, or some other breakthrough occurred.
The loss of a loved one is incredibly painful under any circumstance. I doubt there's any legitimate measure we might use to compare individual experiences of grief; while there are commonalities, there are also innumerable factors that result in different ways of grieving and coping. Though I don't actually know, I can imagine that an expected death might possibly provide a sense of control over the situation, because they are aware of the death and given some time to prepare. That could be reassuring. (Or it could explode into a giant mess. Depends on the situation.)
While it is hard, I think we all need to think about death sometimes, and be willing to expect the unexpected. We can't change the fact that death exists, but we can respond to it, and consider how we want to live in light of the truth that our time on earth is limited. Things like: what matters the most to me, why am I doing what I'm doing, what kind of person do I want to be, etc.
Indeed, death is part of life--sooner or later, it'll happen to you. It happens to everybody.
Sudden death is better for the one who has to die, but worse for the people he/she leaves behind because they have no chance to say goodbye.
It's sad no matter what.
I was with my daddy when we decided it was time to pull the plug. He had been suffering from dementia and had a long, long history of drug and alcohol abuse. He hadn't been the most present father to begin with but I found as he got older and more responsible we grew closer, which so happened to be when his mental issues sky-rocketed. Some days he wouldn't recognize people he saw every day, but each time I walked through the door it was open arms and smiles, he knew me.
He was in and out of the hospital over a month when finally after a couple of days with nothing but machines doing everything for him including just the simpleness of breathing, the doctors predicted he had no more than 24 hours to live. He ended up passing in 12 after deliberation that he never wanted to be seen this way, it was time to pull the plug in his respect.
In one week exactly it will be one year since his death. Everyone loses people and it was really good to share my experience as well as hear about everyone else's in the comments, it reminds me that it's a natural part of life.
Someone once told me "death is always unexpected." No matter how much you might suspect it's coming, it still startles. I don't have both experiences, I have only the experience of losing a best friend in a car accident and I have nothing to compare that pain to.
"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
I used to hate hearing that until I lost a loved one and finally understood. It's not just applicable to romantic love.