Saturday, 11 February 2012
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Sham Engagements, Love and Fear
This post was submitted anonymously.I met James in August. I had already been corresponding with him for a couple months, as he was coming here from the UK on holiday. My sporting hobby team had offered to play host to him, and so most of my communications with him were strictly regarding that. When he came out to play, the guys on my team went berserk over him (since he's fairly well known in the game). They were drooling over him, so I just focused on playing well. I gave James a hug after the game and another after departing from a group dinner.
A bunch of the guys on my team joked about how he should find a girl here, marry her, and just never go back to the UK. He really wants to immigrate here, but it's a nearly impossible process and marriage is the easiest way.After his return to the UK, we often chatted on Facebook. He asked me if I had found him a wife yet, and I told him that if I was supposed to be girl scouting for him I needed to know what he was attracted to. His response? "Funny. Smart. Gorgeous. Actually, someone exactly like you. I actually enjoy talking to you. Would you marry me?"
I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious about it. I told him that I'd be happy to marry him once I finished graduate school so that he could come to America. I never intended to get married, so a sham marriage actually seemed like a nice way to help a friend. We researched all the protocol and basically are just waiting on me to be ready.
After that conversation, he told me that he actually does fancy me and was surprised I didn't notice him staring me down at the game. We had locked eyes once and not separated for several seconds, but I hadn't thought anything of it. The more we chatted, the more flirtatious and romantic the messages got. We'd Skype for hours and play games online together.
He has been asking me to come visit him in the UK and asked if we could get married when I get there. I told him it wouldn't count if we married there, we still need the marriage license and official stuff for the US; essentially, a marriage in his home country would be purely ceremonial. He said he doesn't care about immigration anymore.
He doesn't care about the paperwork. He wants the ceremony in front of friends and family and for us to belong to each other for life. This kind of took me by surprise. Realizing that I actually do have strong feelings for him caught me off guard as well.I was fine with the idea of a sham marriage for immigration, but the thought of actually marrying him for love makes me both happy and nauseatingly terrified.Should I insist on maintaining a platonic-based sham marriage until he gets permanent status, and then decide if we should actually be together?
Should I treat our sham marriage like a two year dating trial? Or should I not marry him at all now that real feelings are involved and the situation could get more complicated?
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Comments (40)
the fuc ?
Wow, this is a bunch of bull shit. Its people like you that make others hate marriage. Its supposed to be about two people loving each other, and wanting to spend their lives together. Not to beat the system.
I think sham marriages for the purpose of immigration are illegal? I hope this doesn't get read by the wrong person or you might get a closer scrutiny of your arrangments than you'd like. It sounds like he's in it for love and you are too? I don't see how you can turn that back to a business arrangement but good luck either way.
damn...
Marry him, but don't sleep with him obviously. Just treat him like a date/casual friend with benefit. If it evolves from there, then go with it. If not, break it off like you would after the 2 years.
People like you give marriage its bad and well add up to the failing marriage rates...it being a sham and failing miserably. I wish people could go through a long screening by the government to make sure its for real and not using it to get benefits. Marriage is about love, commitment and eternity not a game. I think you should only marry him if you love him and thats that. I don't care if you or anyone disagrees. Its shameful for anyone to use sacred institution of marriage for sham. Shame on you.
Hope you've actually done your research, marriage does not automatically equal green card anymore.
oh everybody shut the hell up and give the damn woman advice instead of going all holy moly on her.
If it is the case that he doesn't care about the immigration I say don't marry him and let the real feelings grow.
Good luck!
I think you should definitely really research the process of actually obtaining a green card, because you might be surprised at how much $$ it costs (some forms alone cost over $1000, just to FILL OUT! o.O). And even besides the expenses, it is not a fun process.. it takes at least 6 months to even get an interview for a green card, and then many more after that before you ever even see the card. And I've heard horror stories about the interview! They ask some very personal questions to try to find out "the shams," and are not very nice about it. You also often need letters from friends writing about how much you two love each other and things you have done together (could be fakes, I suppose, but still: not easy).
I am currently in the process with my husband right now to try to get his green card, and let me tell you: I would NEVER EVER wish this process upon anyone! and I would NEVER do this for someone I wasn't absolutely 100% sure I wanted to spend THE REST OF MY LIFE with!
I'm not saying don't do it if you are really in love, just do your research first! and be prepared to devote a lot of time and money into it!
You want to be like Kim Kardashian?
I very very sad. Me no friends
Don't marry him...until you figure out exactly what it is the two of you want.
When you know for sure, go for it. But until then, please don't become another bad marriage statistic.
Seems like he is into the marriage now? Don't go into it without finalizing if it's what you want or not. It's easier to back out now than later when you're in too deep and realize you want out.
Lol well, posting this online. that you'd do a sham marriage is pretty dumb. Did you know if you're caught doing a sham like this, just to get him in the country by the immigration services, you get a HUGE fine and will probably face jail time too, and your UK friend will be banned from the US permantly?
For the record, that doesn't work anymore. They will not simply give him citizenship because he is married to an American. How do I know? My mom is married to one, and has been for 10 years. She has been living in the states since 1999 and only has her residency. She still needs to go through all the paper work, the citizenship test, and spend all that money they expect to get her citizenship. Also, I looked up everything when my bf's dad accused me of trying to get pregnant and married with my bf to get my citizenship. I am still only a resident, not married, or never had a kid.. I love peoples assumtion.
@Love4ever - Not to mention all the shots you need (like tb), fingerprinting, ect ect ect.. It was a pain, and I didn't get my citizenship. I just got my residency, and I have to renew it every 10 years, but I still had to have an interview and do a ton of things.
this is so rediculous, or am i the only one who wants to marry someone because i love them with all my heart????
Marriage doesn't necessarily equal citizenship anymore.
Slow down.. if its too good to be true, it probably is. Let your gut feeling and mind compromise.. if they are fighting each other, its a bad sign and you should remain cautious. Question yourself on why he wants to marry someone he hasn't had much one on one time with? Men are especially visual and need a physical as well as a mental connection to feel attached to a girl.
I'm sure you have male friends that you speak with and hang out with more often then you do with this guy. FB chat and skyping a few times a week for some months is not enough to get married. You should build your relationship first-- to the level of best friends, let your mind and body feel he is perfect for you, completely understand and love each other before you do something that may change your life forever. Sham or not, a marriage will be on your permanent record, something you'll have to disclose with a new partner if it doesn't work out between this guy. Think about how your illegal actions could end up ruining your reputation among your family and friends, or those who looked up to you. Maybe this guy has a lot of drama he's trying to escape by starting a new life with you, which may eventually bring you down with him. From my experience, relationships that go super fast were the ones that were most turbulent and crashed hardest and again, if its too good to be true... question it... especially if he's a really good looking, seems to be perfect gentleman.. he can't find a wonderful girl in the UK? oh please.
The only thing marriage can grant him is residency. Actually getting a green card (forget an actual American passport) is so nearly impossible, I don't even know where to begin.
That being said, sham marriage is one thing. It's like being married to your military employed roommate for health benefits. Morally reprehensible, but whatever. Marriage for love is something entirely different, and you guys haven't even dated yet.
My advice is to back up, stop, and think.
1) Sham marriage is illegal and a very, very bad idea for a number of reasons. As others have said, it very likely would not solve his immigration issues, either. I cannot say "do not do it" in a loud enough voice or enough times.
2) Knowing if you love someone and want to marry them takes time. If there's something happening between you, give yourselves the luxury of the time you need to figure it out.
It's an incredibly bad idea to rush into something that is somehow half immigration-motivated and half love-motivated. Get completely rid of the immigration-only concept and then decide where your relationship is headed.
Best wishes for both of you to make good decisions :)
he wants you to move to the UK and change your citizenship when you marry him
if he can't have a US citizenship, then you can't either by marrying him. he is vindictive as Ursula from the little mermaid movie
don't trade anything
complicated and confusing.
this made me think of the proposal, true you can't get your citizenship right after you get married, but i think the process is faster...
treat it like the movie the proposal?
You know you could just sponsor him until he is able to get citizenship, right (you do have to sign paper work saying you are financially responsible for him, which you would be if you got married anyway)? And marry you won't get him citizenship, just a green card.