Pity.
Believe it or not, it sucks more than loneliness. Because even in your loneliest moments, the only one who is sitting around thinking about how your life isn't what you want it to be is you. But when someone is looking at you and spewing patronizing cliches left and right, it's not you that's telling you your life sucks, it's someone else--though of course they are only implying it, and in the nicest way possible. For me, that is infinitely more unpleasant.
Sometimes being single is fun, and sometimes it's not as fun. But
when people find out you're single and say some irritatingly well-meaning version of "Aw, poor you...it will happen for you someday..." that is when it's really most annoying. I stand there thinking, holy crap, please stop. (And sometimes, I actually say it.)
I coach high schoolers after school and one of my kids, in typical amusing teenage girl fashion, made it a point to ask me lots of nosy questions about my (then) boyfriend last Valentine's Day. I saw her yesterday and asked her how she was doing. She told me that she is all excited about this new guy she's dating, and asked me about mine. I told her that we broke up, and she immediately launched into the whole "Someday, your prince will come" speech. It's bad enough being the only single person at a wedding or party and having to hear it from all your friends...but seriously, hearing this stuff from a 16 year old girl? Good Lord, make it stop.
Like I said, sometimes being single is fun, and sometimes it's not. But please, do not feel bad for me. Don't pity me. And for heaven's sake, stop telling me that "someday, it will happen for me too." I know that it will. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying my life, and not obsessing over something (or someone) I don't have.
Are you single? Great. Are you in a relationship? Awesome. Whatever your relationship status, please just enjoy your life, and I will happily do the same--no pity necessary.
How do you feel about pity?
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Comments (22)
Someday you'll find that guy... and you'll be like "Ohhh... that's what they were talking about!".
But yeah. Don't knock it till you find it. It's not at all overrated.
The way I look at it is, if I don't feel bad about something, I don't want others to feel bad for me. AND, sometimes, it would be just best if people kept their opinions to themselves and stop being so nosy!
I absolutely hated that sort of crap when I was single. I really don't like being patronized or talked down to by anyone (even in a nice way) so that sort of "Awwww don't worry, your time will come" talk only makes me feel worse. Not to mention that it's usually followed by some long drawn-out story or speech about their relationship and how they met their significant other and how rosy their life is now. And once those people get rolling, they do not ever, ever, shut up.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't particularly care about other people's relationships and when I was single, the last thing I wanted to hear was someone go on and on about their significant other. It was irritating to no end.
I don't even talk now when my single friends bring up relationships or their single status....I fucking listen because I recognize that when you don't have a significant other to turn to, maybe you'd like to talk about this stuff with your best friend? And maybe you'd prefer if they don't hijack the conversation and turn it into their personal love fest? And when I meet someone and the conversation inevitably turns to "single or not" and they respond that they're single, I just nod and then let the conversation go where it will because it's not a big deal to me. Who cares if someone's single or not?
pity is the worst :( its like you think you want attention, but then when people start pitying you you're like "never mind, this sucks!" haha
I occasionally get annoyed with the pity people throw at me. But when they realize that I'm not accepting their pity and that I have no problem with being single, it usually stops.
If you find the man of your dreams, great. If not, who cares? It's not going to mean your life is meaningless without romance. There are a lot of people who are in relationships who are absolutely miserable, too.
yeah that spiel gets old after awhile. I'm single by choice. I COULD have a boyfriend right now, trust me there's plenty takers. I just don't want the unnecessary stress added to my life. I have too much going on in my own life to factor in someone else. Between full time school, working, and trying to secure my own place to live I have no time for a boyfriend.
i would just say that 16 year olds think they know everything :P lol they are kind of terrible like that, i would just try not to let it get to you. if you're ok with you that's all that matters.
i never let that kind of thing bother me. i don't care what people really think about me and if i'm single. i use it to my advantage.
i guess some people don't really know what to say
there's like a 95% chance she'll break up with her high school boifran anyway, so I wouldn't care if she bragged about her relationship.
I think that type of pity that you just described coming from the high school girl is really a filler kind of pity. Like you know..they don't know what to say. -awkward- They just started dating a new guy..you just broke up with yours... -awkward- Adults do it too..but of course! there's always the people who do it rudely & condescendingly. Like "Oh you poor dear..mhm, I am
sureyou'll find someone..sometime!" You know in the snotty tone or the Look or whatever. That's the pity that I hate with a passion. I try not to take offense to pity that comes from an awkward stance. Telling someone you're single right after they gushed about their new flame, is like blurting out randomly that your mom just died, after someone is telling you how sweet their mom was to send them a card. It happens. People don't know what to say, you caught them off guard so right away they start in with "Aww,! I am so sorry! don't worry blahblah!" I understand it can be a bit annoying at times, especially if you hear it a LOT..but it's just how a lot of people are.
it absolutely annoys me that people think you have to be in a relationship to be complete.
I never say that to people because I hate it when they do that to me. It's like they're assuming my situation. The last breakup that happened to me was incredibly painful but it had to happen so I'm fine and I am not bitter about it at all and we are still great friends actually. I've been in relationships since I was 14 so being single is a breathe of fresh air and I love being in new experiences that can teach me something. So the pity is not needed. If someone tells me they're single I just ask them how they're doing with it. Other then that I don't give a shit if someone is single or in a relationship as long as they're happy.
I can never say that whole 'Someday it will happen for you, too' stuff, purely because no-one knows for certain that their own relationship won't fail in the future. Being a smug couple would just make everything you'd said that much worse.
yep, it's insulting. Probably the single most insulting act someone can do to you.
Btw, the little girl in the picture is SOO adorable
It's so sad when people hinge their whole self-worth/identity on whether they're in a relationship, and proceed to throw a pity party for anyone who's single. The point isn't having coupled status, it's being with the right person. I know so many women who will date someone just for the sake of not being alone, and it's usually these insecure people who makes the rudest comments re: singleness.
People have such a hard time just accepting things as they are and allowing people to navigate their own private lives. When I was single, people asked me, "why don't you have a boyfriend?" or said the typical, "someday it'll happen for you," as if having a boyfriend was all I had to look forward to in life. Now that I'm in a serious relationship, people ask, "when are you getting married?" "why hasn't your boyfriend proposed yet?" Etc.
Life would be so much better if people minded their own business, rather than pressuring others to have a certain label/status.
haha youre full grown adult. don't let some 16 year old get to you.
Pff. Pity for the 16 year old that thinks finding their Prince Charming is the most important thing in life.
Not cool man.
To be honest, if you truly didn't care about being single, then people's condescending attitudes -- real or perceived -- wouldn't really bother you. I really don't think people necessarily are expressing pity when they give the whole "someday, blah blah..." speech. Sure, it's just a bunch of cliches, but let's not expect any deep philosophy from most people -- the 16 yr old girl probably just didn't know how else to respond appropriately. In general when people do that, I think they mean well and are just trying to be friendly. There's no need to feel paranoid or bitter about it. Just my take. Some commenters here are talking about horrible and insulting it is, "Probably the single most insulting act someone can do to you."
Guys, come on, are you kidding me? The SINGLE most insulting thing? I can think of an endless list of worse things. If you don't want to be pitied...don't have such a pitiful attitude!Moncler Jackets
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The worst is when you tell someone you broke up with a partner and they go do the pity face/thing, and you're like, trust me it's a good thing uhhh.