Thursday, 09 February 2012
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I Feel Sexually Lost from My Husband
My husband and I have only been married for five months now. I felt like he married me because he loved me at first, but I am rethinking that. I am beginning to feel like he married me for the sake of our son having his last name. I got pregnant before we got married. As we discussed names for the baby he was very adamant that the baby would have his last name and I rebutted him with, "If we are not married then the baby either gets my last name or both of our names hyphenated," which he said no way to.
He said he is not a hippie and that the baby would have his last name; I was firm on where I stood. I was not willing to sway in the least for him after seeing friends of mine go through hell trying to get the last name of thier kids changed after the father would up and leave within a short period. A month and a half after that, we eloped to Reno which was fun even if I was pregnant.
The further along I got in pregnancy, the more my high sex drive intensified which he was loving. At the beginning of our relationship he told me he had a very high sex drive and that he'd never had a girlfriend be able to handle that. I told him I embraced it because I am a highly sexual woman. I told him I am the type of woman who enjoys a lot of sex with the same man. Jokingly, he told me he was already in love. During the pregnancy, I couldn't get enough sex especially since we work different schedules; me days and him nights.
Now that we have had our son and I am past the time period they say not to have sex in, I crave his touch, I crave and desire sex from him so much and get nothing. He wont even kiss me anymore. No matter how much I try to come onto him or initiate any kind of intimacy, he pushes me away. I have taken the advice of friends and ignored my desires, just letting him be and showed no interest in sex, which didnt work either. I confronted him on it after I had my feelings hurt. He pushed me off of him when I was trying to get frisky.
His excuse was that he was worried about getting me pregnant again right now. I told him we could use condoms and foams for intercourse or we could orally please each other until I got my IUD put in. I let him know I just wanted some kind of sexual attention from him. A little more time passed, and still nothing. I was becoming more and more hurt by his lack of desire for any physical contact; so much so that I made sure I had lost more weight than I had put on during pregnancy thinking maybe that had something to do with it.
The time came for me to get my IUD put in and I was excited thinking that the sex would return to my marriage but instead, I was suprised to see him still brushing me off. I tried initiating things, I tried dressing up in sexy little outfits that used to turn him on, I tried giving him a strip tease after the baby was asleep. I tried everything I could think of to turn his head and try to draw his interest and still nothing.
My computer had broken and I needed to take a food safety test for work so I used his, which I never touch. Upon taking the test I had to save the proof as a pdf file to email to my boss and be able to print for myself to have a copy on me. As I went to look for the file and print it up, I hit the letter "P" for "pdf file," and a very lengthy list of porn files popped up. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt seeing how long the list was. I decided to look around his computer and found over a thousand porn movies and clips recently downloaded (within the last 4 months).
Seeing the site names some of these were downloaded from, I looked into them and almost every one of them are paid sites. I calculated the cost and it is about $200 a month give or take that he is spending on these sites. I confronted him on it and he said that it's his money and I have no place telling him how or where to spend it. I'm staring to feel like he has become so addicted to porn sites and the fantasies the pornographic films project, that he has lost his desire for me.
I feel so lost emotionally and sexually to my husband and for once, I dont know how to handle the situation or confront him on it. To me this is so very frustrating because he won't answer me on why he refuses to be intimate with me. I feel like the man in the sexless marrige that is so often joked about and stereotyped.
Guys, I would love some advice on what to do here. How do I find my husband's sexual side again? Am I missing something?
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- From: Saintssweetie@xanga
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Comments (47)
oh jeez, this sucks, I hope you get some great advice! hugs.
Try looking and acting more like a porn star!
The guy is a psycho and you need to make other plans.
Hate to say it, but he's no longer attracted to you. The loss of attraction is a HUGE deal because it'll eventually lead to the collapse of your relationship. His loss of attraction might stem from having the same routine for too long, or because he feels trapped after having a kid with you. It sounds like you've tried everything except counseling which I would suggest. You're getting the short end of the stick (har har) and he won't communicate at all.
This isn't going to work if he refuses to communicate with you, and confronting him about his porn collection in the manner you did was a bad idea.
If you want to be an ass and can't spend time or money on counseling, start being a little flirty with guys on Facebook while showing a lack of sexual desire for him simultaneously. Sometimes a guy gets turned on knowing that their woman is desirable and can slip away.
Get new, sexy clothes and change up your hair a bit. Hell, wear a wig. Something as simple as that can do wonders.
Of course I'm half joking with my response, but it's something to ponder.
Hmm, this is a tricky one. His porn addiction (which it clearly is - he spends $200 a month on it and won't have sex) is obviously affecting your marriage and he's going to need to get some help if your marriage has any chance of lasting. Suggest he get some counselling, and tell him it IS your business if he's spending $200 a month on porn, because that money should be going towards bringing up your son (be it directly, or in the form of a savings account) - if he doesn't see how this is hurting you, your marriage and your child, you probably need to show him the door. It's unhealthy for your son to be around a relationship like this, and he's only going to notice it more as he gets older.
Best of luck! :)
I don't think he's not attracted to you anymore, but having a child is a huge psychological thing. Maybe he wants to make sure you're properly healed down there and doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he is really afraid of getting you pregnant again (my fiancee would have mini panic attacks after sex after I had the baby bc he didn't want us to get pregnant again lol). Or he could be really tired because I'm sure having a newborn is not easy! My fiancee and I went through something similar to this after the birth of our child (it was mostly me who didn't want to have sex) because I was just always exhausted. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I would try to talk to him more. I don't think porn is bad, but he does seem to be spending ALOT of money on it. I'd try to have a long talk, let him know how his porn habits hurt you because he would rather get his rocks off on that then off you. If he still doesn't change after that, well then, you need to do what you think is the best for you and your baby.
I hope this helps.
I'd do the same as the above response: tell him it is your business where the $$$ is spent because you are his wife and have the right to know where the money is going. Personally, I'd've waited to have sex with him until after marriage (by then -- before then, even -- you likely would have found out what kind of person he was to begin with and wouldn't have had a child with him), but seeing how that is now water under the bridge, the best thing you can do is talk to him about the situation, recommend you both go to counseling together, and keep track of the $$$ you two spend. If he is blowing $200/month on porn, obviously you and the baby or both are having to sacrifice needlessly...
Is this guy the male role model you want your child to have?
Counseling, go on dates without the baby... all I can think of since you covered all the other bases. If counseling doesn't work, you may need to find a new man cuz sexual frustration is awful. @_@
Deepthroat, anal, creampie, etc etc.
Another response: http://jandjinjapan.xanga.com/758951359/sex-and-love/
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hurtful that would be. The fact that he doesn't put effort into trying to fix the problem is a huge red flag.
I think perhaps you might have married too soon or maybe for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying you shouldn't try working on it, but if this guy can't see how selfish and hurtful he's being---well, who would want to stay married to a man like that?
How is your relationship otherwise? Do you guys get along outside the realm of sex? Do you fight a lot? Is he affectionate, even just platonically/lovingly?
I suggest trying to talk to him again, explain how he makes you feel, what it does to you, how it affects the both of you, etc. If he still can't get it through his thick skull yes he needs to be convinced of counseling. I really don't know what more to say. I mean, there's so many things you can do to try and get your point across, but it always takes two people to make a relationship work.
it all started with the baby's last name. for whatever reason, he wants his last name attached and the only way he can have it is having to marry you. and now he is trapped. trapped in a marriage so his son can have his last name. at least he is not cheating on u with other women. seek counselling fast
i think that the medical definition of excessive masturbation is when you start to enjoy it more than sex. seems like that's the deal here. at best, he can seek therapy/counseling and get better; at worst, as others have pointed out, he's not attracted to you or otherwise feels trapped in the marriage. i genuinely think this is toward the better side of that, though.
nevertheless, as everyone else has already said, you should be asking professionals, not a bunch of pimply-faced college kids on the internet.
First impression: This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the sex or your sexuality/attractiveness. This is an issue of HIS selfishness.
He was selfish in refusing to compromise with you on the last name of your child. He has been selfish in sexual/physical pleasure in the relationship, to the point of pushing you away both literally and figuratively. He has been selfish in how he spends his time (looking up porn sites instead of seeking out YOUR touch (though I'm not saying I'm 100% anti-porn - it just has its time and place)). He has been selfish with HIS money, despite the fact that you are MARRIED and it should be YOUR money, too. (Hey - combined expenses = combined responsibilities AND combined 'fun spending,' in my eyes.) When asked about this, he gave you reasons why HE is entitled to something. He's denying you affection because HE isn't interested.
I'm not married yet, and I do place a certain gravity on marriage vows. However, if my husband (to be, in my case) was acting this way, I would try like MAD to talk about it - then suggest counseling. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but being treated like the birth-er of his child and nothing more is hardly the way you want to go through the rest of your life. You deserve to be in a relationship from which you also GET satisfaction, not merely placate his schedule/desires. There HAS to be give & take, and in this case, it sounds like he only takes.
If he was just a guy who jerked off once in awhile like most people it wouldn't be a problem but from everything you have told us he just sounds like a huge asshole. Re-read what you just shared and I think you'll be able to find your answer. It's pretty loud and clear to me.
I've seen similar things happen with lots of different friends. Where the sex stops after not long into a marriage, or after a baby has been born. I've seen it on both sides, the male refusing and the female refusing. Often times it has to do with a loss of interest, feeling trapped, exhaustion, etc. Some guys get really weirded out about doing things sexually they would before to the mother of their child, which I find is strange heh.
But like others said, counseling is probably the best bet. Good luck though.
divorce him. you deserve better.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
But you need to divorce him, ASAP. This guy is a loser and needs counseling
Have the marriage annulled. He didn't enter it "in good faith", but only to secure the last name of his offspring would be his. Get a lawyer.
Elvis lost interest in sex after his daughter was born. I wonder if Elvis was also addicted to porn or was it drugs or both. if you find a drug stash, too, in his shoe box on top of the closet shelf, then it is time to hit up the chippendale strip clubs to have some eyecandy fun of your own
It's a marriage. You have a son. So of course, your first steps need to be along the lines of counseling and reconciliation...as much as you can. The most important thing is to approach things in as calm a manner as possible. Attacking or blaming will only make things worse.
But, while working on it needs to be the first step, if it doesn't work, or he isn't open to changing things, then you need to count your losses, take your son, and get out of there. But be prepared for a fight. I have a feeling he's the type to fight dirty when it comes to divorce settlements and who gets custody of your son. I know others have suggested flirting with other guys, but under no circumstances should you flirt with anyone besides your husband, or threaten to cheat...just in case it comes to a divorce. You don't want him to be able to blame the end of your relationship on infidelity on your part. Be as above reproach as possible.
Bottom line, I don't like how he's treating you...but you're married, and I believe that deserves more work than a regular relationship, especially when a child is involved. But only you know what the best move would be. If all else fails, maybe you need to leave him for a while. Take your son, go to your parents, or a friend's, something. Make him miss you. And if he doesn't miss you, if he doesn't fight for you to come back, then get a lawyer and serve him with the divorce papers. And go find a guy who deserves you!
Good luck. Let us know how things go.
-Katie
if you want your marriage to work, both of you must agree to seek the help of a marriage counselor.
I heard that men who watch porn will not be satisfied with reality, which is you. You're the one he's married to not those porn sites.
But then there are researches that it is not entirely your man's fault that he is acting the way he does. Blame it on the way his brain is made. There is a certain area of the brain that is triggered when porn is watched because his brain contain more of this substance. I forgot what it is but i think he would need to see a doctor of the brain to check this out.
Work this out together. HE may not look it but he does need help.
Goodluck!
It sounds like his motivations for marriage was about the last name of your child and not your happiness. Sadly, I don't see much hope for your marriage.
Time to get kinky.