Thursday, 09 February 2012
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My Fiance Didn't Mention He's Engaged when Talking to His Ex
This post was submitted anonymously.
My fiance's ex contacted him recently out of the blue, after nearly 2 years of having no contact after their breakup. Their relationship was about five to six months long and even though it was getting serious to the point where they talked marriage, she left him for another guy (who she is still with). He has never believed that she left him for this other guy although their anniversary listed on Facebook (which he apparently hasn't seen) tells the tale, and still believes to this day it was for other reasons.
He told her everything that's been going on in his life, including me, but instead of saying he's engaged or referring to me as his fiance, told her that he's been seeing someone and that she's going to be moving in, but no mention at all that we are engaged and getting married. This really bothers me, because to me, there is a big difference between being a fiance vs someone he is seeing who will be moving in.
I'm trying not to overreact but I don't know what to make of it. Part of me thinks it was on purpose (how could you forget to mention you're engaged?). It almost seems like since he doesn't know her situation (she just asked how he is since it has been so long), he's leaving out that part "just in case" there may be an opportunity there. I just don't understand why, since he told her everything else, he didn't mention that? It isn't rubbing it in her face, or going to hurt her feelings, she is the one who left him in the first place.
I'm not sure how to tell him how I feel without him thinking I'm just being insecure, jealous, paranoid, or overreacting. I'm really just trying to understand why he would neglect to mention that given that it is so new and recent and a big deal (or so I thought).
Advice?
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Comments (58)
Boo hoo. Stop over dramatizing things.
You're overthinking things. Drop the sucker.
You're not overreacting. This is wrong. Just tell him how you feel.
actually, i'm thinking that it's more along the lines of him not wanting to feel like he was rubbing it in her face that he "won" the break-up.
My advice is dont over react about it. My husband has had a few of his exes email him out of the blue and he didnt mention that we got married or had a kid to any of them and I was hurt by it. I confronted him and got the whole jealous insecure speech from him. He said guys are not as emotionally attached to things like us women are. The things we find to be a big deal are usually emotional related. Men in general, not all but most dont have the same emotions as us ladies do to the big events in our life.
Talk to him and let him know how you feel and have your thoughts together when talking to him. It helps the coversation go smoother. Tell him how you feel and what you felt when he didnt mention the engagement. Best of luck to you.
From experience ( well similar experience), that is bad news.
It sounds as if maybe her relationship is not working out, and possibly regretting that she broke up with him in the first place. If they have not been in touch for two years, she may be just trying feel him out, and see what his situation is. I do think he should have told her, why not? It IS a big event in his life. If you wish to communicate that to him, do so. He should understand your concern and/or thought process, if not...I think you have bigger issues.
Honestly, I think you're overreacting. If I were talking to my ex, I wouldn't brag that I was getting engaged. I would downplay it simply because it's none of his business.
If you trust him, you have no reason to worry. Overall, if you're engaged, it should be a fact that you need to communicate for your relationship to be effective.
Overreacting.
RED FLAG. You are right to feel this way. Confront him. If he goes all defensive on you, that's another, bigger red flag. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone they owe it to you to at least tell their exes! He should be understanding and try to see it from your point of view and not a douche who tries to make you feel worse about it. Why marry someone you can't be honest about your feelings with?
go with your gut its hardly ever wrong. You must talk to him and tell him how you feel
There's definitely a lot of mixed messages from the comments, but I'll throw my two cents into the mix. Here's how I see it:
You're getting married. This is a big deal especially since marriage is actually meant to be forever (though our 50% divorce rate prevents that pretty well). But you're going to be spending the rest of your life with this person and you NEED TO COMMUNICATE.
How are you expecting to make this last if you can't talk to him about something that bothers you so? And this is kinda how it works:
A husband is the referee to tell you when you're not giving him the respect/ encouragement he needs,
but a wife is the referee to tell her husband that she's not feeling loved enough.
You're not feeling loved, he needs to love you better in this, because it's obvious it's hurting you regardless or not if it's warranted.
And to all those people who say she's overreacting- does this conversation with a long lost ex really matter so much that it's okay for her to be hurt by it? Of course not! They are about to be married and what's-her-face from two years ago doesn't matter anymore.
Lovingly and respectfully talk to your fiancee, don't attack him with this. Make him realize that although you might be fretting too much about this, you need to feel secure in this relationship. You need to have trust between the two of you.
You might want to go into premarital counseling if this becomes a bigger issue after you talk to him.
Maybe its even better that he didn't tell her you are engaged. Women pursue men that can't have. If she would've hear he is engaged then she would want him more and would pursue him harder making it uncomfortable for you. But since he told her he is seeing someone, you are non-threatning to her and she will not see the need to pursue. Do you understand my logic? Don't stress it too much, but if he continues this behavior I would consider it rather odd and have a talk with him.
Tell him how you feel, but don't make a big deal of it. Maybe he has a good reason for not telling her, who knows what it could be, but maybe. I find it more weird that his ex contacted him after so long, That's what I'd be more concerned about. Though I guess the two are somehow connected, if she is looking for an opportunity, it might be good for her to know he's off the market, but at the same time, you say she's in a relationship, so maybe there's nothing to worry about!
I don't think I would tell an ex I was engaged if one of them randomly called me up out of the blue either. Sure it's important but it's not like I'm gonna invite her to the wedding, and not like her knowing will change anything. So there's no real point in telling her that. Telling her that I'm seeing someone, it's serious, and we're living together is all semi relevant cuz if there was that sliiiiiight chance she actually wanted to see me and come back that puts her off without having to share too much.
But who knows why he did it. Just bring it up, say you are curious as to why. Say it hurt a bit, but dont go off on him, just ask for his reasoning. He'll probably just say I dunno heh.
I think it all depends on whether or not he continues communicating with her, and if he does will he let her know. Perhaps he didn't want to "rub it in her face", which is a valid possibility, and he just wanted to let bygones be bygones without dealing with drama that she might try to pull. If it's bothering you, ask him about it, because you'd better not marry the guy if you can't communicate problems to him. If he starts talking to her on the regular and doesn't mention engagement, drop him like a cell phone call in the Arctic.
It's difficult to say, and you'll have to make the final judgment based on his reactions if you question him.
Here's the most likely scenario:
He gets contacted by an ex girlfriend who he hasn't communicated with in two years, so of course, he's a little curious. People don't normally reach out to exes from years ago unless they have some sort of ulterior motive. Not saying that's definitely the case, but it's likely.
Based on the information you provided, it's clear to me that he never got proper closure, so a part of him may still be stuck in the past. Perhaps he's enjoying the attention he's receiving from the girl who dumped him; almost like a sick sense of satisfaction knowing that she potentially regrets leaving him. It's a form of flattery, I guess.
I don't know how strong your man's convictions are, but I would advise that you clear things up for your own peace of mind.
I don't think you're overreacting. It's a natural response to the inconsistency he's demonstrating.
...Or it could mean absolutely nothing, hence why you should clear it up. I'd be more wary about the ex girlfriend's intentions, to be quite honest.
I think as long as he leaves the conversation there, it shouldn't be looked too much into. However, I still think you should at least let him know that it bothers you. I would simply tell him, "You know, it sort of bothered me that you didn't tell her specifically that we are engaged. It made me feel as if you were trying to hide me, or minimize our relationship. If I were talking to an ex and said that same thing, how would you feel?" Don't accuse him, or attack him. Just leave it at that. If he gets upset, it probably means you were right. More importantly, listen to your instict. Not your fears, not your insecurities, not just your brain. Listen to your instincts!
I really think there's a good chance you're overreacting about this, but the only way to know for sure is to have a talk with him about it.
I still keep in contact with a couple of my exes, and I don't like to go into too many specifics about my current relationship for fear of sounding like I'm dissing them. Somehow, gushing to them about how amazing he is feels doesn't really feel right, y'know? Like, "Hey, just so you know, this guy's SOOOOO much better than you ever were!" Then again, we're not engaged, but maybe your fiance feels something like that too. Don't rush to conclusions until you've shared your concerns and heard him out. If he gets defensive, you might have something to worry about, but he might have a perfectly logical explanation.
Here's my response to this: http://jandjinjapan.xanga.com/758951359/sex-and-love/
@JusticeCho@xanga - Exactly.
Just drop it. It's nothing to worry about and trying to talk about it won't give you clarifying answers. Guys do things and they don't know why they do it. They just don't think it's a big deal. And neither should you.
you have every right to be upset. i would be thinking the same things you are. the only way you will every get through this though is if you TALK to him though. watch for any red flags like him getting overly defensive though or even getting mad at you in the first place. that could be a tell tale sign that he may still have feelings for her..best of luck
He probably doesnt want her to be hurt or over react. nbd
Hmm I'm really on the fence about this one. If he isn't bitter about their history, then I can see why he wouldn't want to blurt out "I'm engaged" because that could hurt any possibility of a friendship with her. That being said, does he want a friendship with her? I'd be more concerned about what he's hoping to get out of her contacting him. I think there are too many unknowns because he just had to react and maybe not revealing every detail about his present life has to do with not wanting her to be quite so "in the know" right now. He may be trying to protect your relationship from her.