Wednesday, 08 February 2012
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Those Three Words
My boyfriend isn't very sentimental or romantic. He usually has a hard time opening up and expressing his feelings. He isn't even real big on holding hands or being all PDA when we're out. He shows his affection in other ways, such as putting a lot of thought and effort into making me something for a holiday gift or sending me encouraging texts when he knows I'm having a rough day.
But, I still love him, even though I am an affectionate person.After "kind-of dating" for eight months, and then "officially dating" for seven months, I decided to bite the bullet and tell him exactly how I felt about him. Yes, after thinking long and hard about it, I finally decided to tell him "I love you."
We recently took a road trip to Florida to attend his friend's wedding. On our way back to Ohio, we stopped in Georgia and stayed at a hotel for the night. After having some late-night-extracurricular-activities, we settled down and got ready to go to bed. I decided that this was it. This was my big moment.
Suddenly, I started to get really shy. I just kept going, "Hey...Hey..." and did some weird thing where I would poke him and giggle and turn my head away. Yeah, I get weird like that when I'm nervous. Romantic, right? But he knew something was up. I was just so scared of actually saying it out loud, you know? I knew he had trouble with mushy stuff like this; how would he react?So finally, like a volcanic eruption of word vomit, I blurted out those three words.
His reaction?
He got tense and nervous and replied with...
"I know."
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I got Han Solo'ed.
Well, it all went downhill after that. I, unfortunately, got really emotional (I mean, I did put my heart on my sleeve for a minute there and didn't get anything in return). And we had a loooong talk about it. He didn't want to say it because he just didn't feel comfortable saying it. He didn't grow up with an affectionate family, and hasn't had a serious relationship like this. He just isn't used to all this mushy stuff. He said, "It just sounds weird when I say it." But he made sure to tell me how much he cared about me. And even though he just can't say it, he still feels it.
I eventually let it slide for the time being, mostly because it was getting late, I was exhausted, and I didn't want to fight. But it still bothers me. It just seems like he's making an excuse to not say it. I would never force him into saying or doing anything that he felt uncomfortable about doing, though. And now I'm just kinda waiting for the day when he finally tells me how he feels.
Or am I just overreacting?
Have you ever had an "I love you" situation go horribly wrong?
Or, do you think the whole, "I love you" situation is a little overrated and not worth the nervousness and anxiety that comes along with saying it for the first time?
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About the Author
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- From: AccioDoubleStuffed@xanga
- Name: Kaleigh
- About Me: You'd think that killing people would make them like you but it doesn't. It just makes them dead.
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Comments (53)
I have a rule: Let the guy say it first! :)
I let my SO say it first. I probably felt it first though, but I didn't want to scare him off.
You have to understand his background, but he has to understand how you feel love. If its a big deal to you that he doesn't say it, but he feels it... Tell him and get him to do something about it. Both of your feelings have to be accounted for.
If my boyfriend didn't feel comfortable telling me he loved me, I wouldn't want him to say it just to "make me feel better".
I would advise against trying to force or coerce him into saying it just because you want to hear it. If and when he feels comfortable with it and says it of his own free will it will be so much more meaningful.
I've never said it first. I don't loosely throw around 'those three words'. I wouldn't be too worried about it
....I think maybe this guy is just sticking around for a quality of yours. Don't break up with him just yet, though. Actions speak louder than words-----if he looks after you (i.e., he waits until you're safe in the house before he pulls off when he drops you off), gets you practical rather than thoughtful gifts (an emergency roadside kit rather than flowers), etc., then you have a good guy. If not, you might want to consider looking at who's single and more caring.
If/when he's ready, he'll say it. Drop it for now, and give it a little time but I wouldn't stick around longer than a month. If he's already heard how you feel, he's going to think about it enough to figure out if he feels the same way, and that's more than enough time to keep your heart on your sleeve.
Don't stress it. My boyfriend is the same way. He doesn't like to say it. He doesn't feel comfortable saying it. He feels it. But he very rarely says it. And we have been dating TWO years. He only says it when I am really really upset over something. Because he knows it will make me feel better. I am EXTREMELY affectionate. I tell him about ten times a day how much I love him. We are different. We have different love styles. Read The Five Love Languages. It will give you more insight.
Don't look to much in to his not being comfortable saying it. If he shows you he loves you with his actions, then words don't really matter. Don't give up on what could be a great relationship over three words.
oh yeah. I've had it happen and they came around but you know what? they left later. But men see this as the fast track to proposal, which is what logically comes next, so he may be just hesitating while actually loving you. It's hard to say.
I know it's difficult, but try to pull back just ever so slightly. see how that goes.
He needs to get off his cross because someone else needs the wood. the time for people not givin him any affection is in the past, you need to tell him that your givin him affection now, and if he cannot accept and return that affection your gonna find someone else who can because you deserve it. If he loves you and wants this relationship to work he'll do what it takes to figure out his mess and dont let him take forever. its all up to you stay there and wait on him or find someone else, pee or get off the toilet.
It does not matter who says it first,
just as long as they say it. You're not overreacting.
If he really loves you, he will say it. Just give him sometime. But just know you should not be waiting for him too long either if his love is true. Relationships are supposed to be expressions of love. And if you want a relationship where love is expressed, you should start thinking about whether this is the right one.
Even if you love someone, it doesn't mean their the right person to be with you.
I'm too afraid to say it first, so I've never had this problem... though I really think actions speak louder than words in many cases. My current bf and I have been together about ten months... he hasn't said it yet, but I would say that I feel like he makes sure he means everything he says way more than my ex's (he has taken awhile to open up emotionally... he even said in the beginning that he has a hard time being forward). My last two boyfriends said it early on, but neither of them even lasted this long.... But yeah, if you look at how he is with his family, that will say a lot. I noticed with my bf, I've never heard his dad say it, and I've never heard him say it to his family (though his mom and sister say it). Though the whole family is happy, (happier than my ex's family, though they said it frequently), which tells me that though words just aren't spoken much, the sentiment sure seems to be more alive in his family. If that's the case with your boyfriend, he really MIGHT just feel weird saying it, but hopefully in time he'll feel comfortable with it. Or he might just want to make sure he REALLY means it... And wouldn't it be better to know he's sure when he says it than to be wondering if he is only saying it to make you feel better?
@archaicanenome@xanga - That book helped me a LOT in my current relationship. I started reading it at the end of my last one when it was falling apart (a little late... ), and I've used it to look at things in my current one to PREVENT it from ending... It showed me that different people just have a different way of showing love, which kept me from freaking out over little things like I used to, and my bf has commented on how much he likes that I don't let little things get to me, hehe :)I think that, if anything, you are not overreacting -- you were just inadequately prepared.
@Shadowrunner81@xanga - Yep.
I think in a case like this, his actions speak louder then words.
It sounds like he does love you, but he might not be comfortable with the words (I know a couple guys like this.).. Give him some time and he might just surprise you one day.@archaicanenome@xanga - Every couple needs to read this book!!!
i have 2 thoughts on this:
a) actions speak louder than words. he can say "i love you" all you want, and if he doesn't display it, what's the point? on the other hand, if he does all the things that someone who loves you does, why does it matter what he says?
listen, talk is cheap. people say all sorts of shit all the time without meaning. i'm not interested in what people say, but what people do, and how they act.
b) would you rather he have said it back to you, almost like a "how are you doing?" - "fine, you?" or would you rather he take time to think about it, and make sure that when he says it, he means it?
I'm pretty much the same way as your boyfriend - I'm not a very affectionate person. My parents didn't show me as much affection towards me when I was a child, so naturally anything that involves physical contact and saying things like "I care about you" and "I love you" is really uncomfortable for me.
Earlier, my friend was just asking me why I never say "I love you" back, and I just shrugged.@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - exactly! couldn't have said it better myself.
My situation was weird: the guy I like knows I like him and I haven't had too much trouble telling him that I do in the past year or so despite his not returning my feelings. But then one day he goes and randomly asks me if I love him, which I did/do but was terrified to say aloud. And with good reason because he distanced himself from the last girl who told him that she loved him but who he didn't not have feelings for so I swore I wouldn't tell him for fear that the same thing would happen. Anyway, he told me that he already knew that I loved him but just wanted to hear me say it -___-. After over two hours of non-stop asking and pleading, I finally gave in and eventually stuttered out that I was in love with him. Unfortunately I was still very much terrified so I ended up crying as I said it.
As for you, I know you're anxious about hearing those three words from him, but give him time. If he really cares about you then he will manage to tell you that he loves you. I know it's extremely cliche, but actions DO speak louder than words. If he loves and cares for you through his actions, then that should be enough.
The Five Love Languages.
However, I think sacrifices need to happen in a relationship. He needs to learn to be more vocal.
There is a book I am going to reccomend called the 5 Love Languages. I am not much of a readerr on love book but this helped me tremdously and helped me understand. We all have our own love language and it sounds to me like yours is expressive. Read the book and figure out what his is. You may not know or see that he may be communicating those 3 little words to you in a whole different way. My husbands language is acts of service, so he feels when he does things like change my oil or help with the dishes and dinner that is his way of saying he loves me. I reccomend everyone read this in a relationship or not to help understand the difference on how people express thier love and it helps you understand your partners laguage and how to say i love you to them in thier love language
that jerk.
I suggest not worrying about it too much.
The first time I said it to my boyfriend we where in a place for a night where we did not want to be and we were completely miserable but we had each other to get us by. So my sleep deprived, frustrated, confused self said it first in pure gratitude for the fact we had each other. He also replied in kind. I questioned him about it later to see if our story matched up(I tend to remember things that did not happen when I am tired) and it did and he admitted that he truly felt that way.
Now I will say I love you and he never says it back. But this does not bug me. I know him well enough to know when he says it once he means it and if he didn't mean it he would not keep me around. He does not like the idea of showing emotions in the lest, other than happy, content, horny, mad and tired. Everything else makes him feel weak, and I understand this.
Though not saying I love you can mean many things from many people. It just depends on the person. From my family saying I love you is like saying good morning or hello, to some its a sign of weakness, and it is also could just be reserved to the uppermost deserving at rare times.
When I hear "I love you" said to me, it makes me feel like I will sound fake if I immediately respond with the same words