Tuesday, 07 February 2012
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I'm Seeing a Guy But I Slept with My Ex
I have been seeing a guy for about 5 months now. He is still married to his wife of 5 years but has been separated for nearly a year now. I came out of a relationship with my ex a few months before I started seeing this guy. It just didn't work out and I ended it. I am not exactly in a 'relationship' with this guy but I like him a lot. It's as though I cannot define our situation?
We have slept together but only a handful of times in the space of 5 months. Like I said, he is separated but still cohabits with his wife because of their 2-year-old son. He said the love between him and his wife had been lost a very long time ago. I genuinely believe him. He has intentions of moving out of his house but has stayed there for the sake of his son. I can understand it is complicated for him as things can not be resolved easily over night.
As with my ex, I still keep in contact with him because I do still care about him. My ex still loves me and wants to be with me but I don't want to be with him. I really like the guy I am seeing but I just want to be a 'normal' person in a 'normal' relationship. Nothing is exclusive about us because nobody knows about it yet since he still lives in the same house as his wife.
If I told my friends what my situation was, they would probably think I am barking mad. Love makes you do stupid things right? The problem is that I recently slept with my ex. At first I didn't want to, but it happened. I think I just wanted to feel 'loved,' to be caressed and to have somebody to hold me because it has been SUCH a long time since I have slept with the guy I am seeing. I miss it.
My head is all over the place. Should I feel bad about what I have done even though he still lives with his wife but tells me everyday how much he is in love with me and how everything will be alright soon?Advice needed please.
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Comments (74)
No props
Bad soap opera
This whole situation is pretty fucked up.
You're full of excuses. If you can't even commit yourself to one man, what makes you think you can maintain a committed relationship? Come clean and best of luck to you!
This is wrong on so many levels. I'll focus on just the one that bothers me most: you lead your ex on. You know he still loves you and wants to be with you, you have no plans of ever being with him again and clearly don't have feelings for him anymore, yet you slept with him anyway. That is just going to hurt him, and unlike you and the married man, your ex is innocent in all of this.
how about losing both of the guys? You don't want to be with your ex in the way he wants to be with you so it isn't fair to string him along. The guy you are seeing is married. If he didn't want to be with his wife he would have moved out of the house and started a new life without her. If he wanted to be with you, he would make the time to be with you instead of seeing you when he can get away from his wife. His son is just an excuse. He is getting the best of both worlds. He has a wife at home and a woman (or women) on the side. Do you know how many men use the I am separated but I have lived with my wife for the last { insert time period } because { insert lame excuse }? Probably 90% of them. The other 10% will tell you that they have no intentions to leave their wives.
Don't make excuses for the married guy.
honestly, having a 2 year old son is really a lame excuse not to move out. the sooner the better and the less they'll remember when they grow up. something fishy is going on here. and you fell for it.
It isn't love making you do stupid things, it's narcissism.
You should not feel guilt towards your married "friend". You admitted that it is not exclusive, he's technically still married, and who REALLY knows what he is doing with his wife and, perhaps, other women?
However, your ex is a different story. You made the choice to sleep with your ex despite the fact that you do not return his feelings. Did you make it clear to him before you slept with him that you do not share his feelings and that it is a one time thing? As a previous poster said, he is innocent in this mess. I mean this in the nicest way (after all, humans are human and don't always think rationally), but you probably deserve any repercussions that result from that.
I say your not ready to be in a relationship. The problem with the EX is that he's an ex. It didn't work out, you don't want him, but you string him along whenever you need attention & you drop him when you receive attention from another man. It's not fair. If someone does that to you, you just feel used. And more or less, you're leading your EX on; especially since you said he still loves you. NEXT.
The married guy, is no good too. He's married for gods sake. Ask him to get a divorce or move on. The fact that your still "seeing" (whatever the fuck that means to you) for 5 months is kind of a red light that he's not looking for anything serious. "Should I feel bad about what I have done even though he still lives with his wife but tells me everyday how much he is in love with me and how everything will be alright soon?"
Um, if he "claims" that he loves you and is still married to his wife and isn't exclusive with you after 5+ months... girl, he doesn't love you. If a guy loves you, he'll move mountains for you (part of a saying from a good friend of mine). I don't see any mountains moving.
NEXT.
Maybe you should find time for yourself, and figure out what you want, before you cause yourself anymore trouble. Your wasting your time on both guys.
It's pretty much impossible to be happy with someone you can't trust. Even if he ever does fully leave his wife (which I doubt would happen in less than a few years), how would you ever be able to trust this guy? If he can stay with his WIFE while seeing someone else, what makes you so special that he won't cheat on you? Of course, I'm just assuming he still gets intimate every now and then with his wife, maybe I'm wrong.
Look, you won't ever be able to have the relationship you want with this man so end it.
As for your ex, leave him alone and let him heal.
There's love to be found elsewhere. Yourself would be a good start.
You can't fix stupid.
You probably won't like it, and while you both have feelings for each other you should probably stop seeing the married guy until he actually moves out and is more than just 'separated but still living with his wife'. I know it sucks, but you never know what might happen with them still living together. I've had multiple friends, and family members who split, but then after time end up back with their wives/husbands because they for one reason or another decide to give it another shot. You don't want to invest all that time and just have him come around and say "sorry but it's for the best." Nor should you be stuck in the situation where you have to sneak around and rarely get to see him because of his situation.
Should feel a little guilty just because if you love the one guy and not the other you just basically used your ex to feel loved, but didn't really care about it. You should not feel guilty towards the married guy because you're not exclusive and there's no ties or bonds saying you're his and only his.
Either way good luck, hope it works out and telling the truth is generally the best idea, even if it hurts.
wow, wtf
i'm in a really similiar situation as you. but as for the relationship you're currently in, i would take things very slow, so you don't get hurt. things won't happen overnight as you said but i would suggest never getting back together with your ex no matter how long your longing to be loved. if your new guy won't come through in a timely matter for you, then i would just move on. not to your ex, but to someone who's willing to commit to you right now.
Second, you shouldn't sleep with exes, but you especially shouldn't do it if one of the parties hasn't moved on yet.
Third, your ability to fall into this situation means that you might need some time off without a relationship. Is it tough? Yes, but it'll prevent soap operas like this from happening to you.
The major red flag you need to really take into consideration is that he is only separated from her, not divorced. And your major red flag is how you slept with your ex because of your "absence of love", which to me thinks you're just horny. Time to work on yourself, develop self control and not put yourself into situations where you shouldn't be.
I'm going to be really harsh, because I think you need to hear it:
You're being a selfish bitch. You do not string along your ex because you want the attention. He still loves you which means having you in his life is making things a hell of a lot harder for him. How the fuck is he supposed to move on if you're still always around him? I've not even got to the having sex with him part yet: that is fucked up. What is wrong with you? You may not be this married guy's girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure he isn't going to like it.
My advice? Stop fucking around with these two guys, come clean to the married guy, let your ex get over you, and be single for a while. Not having these guys around you might clear your head.
this is wrong. you are making excuses for the married man and leading on your ex. should just let them both go.
Wow, so much judgment, hate and negativity in the comment section. I think I see maybe one or two responses that are actually constructive. The rest just tear you down or call you names. It is most unfortunate and I feel for you.
Regarding the married guy, it is not an exclusive relationship, so there is no issue with you having sex with your ex.
Regarding the ex, if you prefaced the fact that you no longer have feelings for him and it is simply the missed intimacy you enjoy, you're fine. If not, you should disclose this to him. If he wishes to continue seeing you, that is his own choice. You are not his parent/guardian/supervisor. We're all mature adults here. Be honest, upfront, and straightforward, and you will never go wrong.
Hopefully all replies in succession of mine will be of like-minded maturity!
Best of luck!
Married guy- tell him the wife has to know or you leave.
Ex- Tell him u like sex with him but you are dont like him enough for a relationship. Honesty is best. Things will work themselves out - even if it is not in ur favor but for the good of all parties involved.@Dane_Fletcher@xanga - I totally agree with you! She doesn't deserve any props at all! You cannot be a healthy person to find yourself in an unhealthy situation like that. Seek some counseling, move out of state, find some new friends, learn to discipline yourself so your emotions don't tell you what to do, you tell them what to do!