Sunday, 05 February 2012
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I Want to be Overloved
“When two people mutually like each other, it’s almost a miracle. Do you think that miracle would ever happen to me too?” – Oh Ha Ni, Playful KissI’ve been in this world for 27 years; 27 years 4 months and 8 days to be exact. I feel too old yet I think too childishly. A girl – no, let me rephrase that – a woman at my age could somehow already be married, have her own family, or even have just a steady relationship partner. But me, I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I can say that my life is a kind of a “no boyfriend since birth” thing.
When I was 23, I attended my best friend’s wedding and I was thinking back then how young was it for her to get married at such an age. On my 25th birthday, she gave birth to her first daughter, so yeah, I was one of the grandmothers.
Our middle school and college friends were there, and it was almost midnight when I realized I was the only one going home alone – all of them are with their partners or their family.And now I’m 27, I’m starting to think, what’s wrong with me? But wait, I never had a love life but that doesn’t mean I never loved someone else. I know I did love some people so deeply – at the very least, I know I did. But none of them ever felt romantic towards me. You know, the pathetic “just friends” drama.
Now I envy those people who have partners in life. I envy those girls who receive an “I love you” phrase every now and then from their guys. I envy even those who just got their heart badly broken from a newly ended relationship, ‘cause at the very least, they experienced a life being in someone else's arms.
I even want to understand how life can be so magical with just love alone, without anything else but love. I also want to understand the feeling of being taken care of by someone who loves you so deeply. Look, I didn’t even think that I could write this kind of thing. It will make me look like a pathetic single woman but I don’t care. I don’t even know why I don’t.I’m getting older. I can’t even accept that fact, but I really am.
To be honest, I don’t wanna live alone. I think I also want to be someone’s girlfriend, someone’s world, and someone’s everything. I want a life that is worth living with someone who loves me so deeply. I don’t want a one-sided love anymore. I‘m tired of it. I don’t want to be someone who wants to give everything just for someone that I really love; this time, I want someone who would do the same for me.
I want a “holding-hands-everywhere-scene.” I even maintained my hands soft enough for my future partner. Sounds funny but it's damn true. I want to open my eyes in the morning with the thought of seeing my love in a few hours and getting pretty for him.
I want to have our picture be my cellphone and laptop’s wallpaper, and not concentrating on my work because I keep on looking on my computer’s wallpaper and smiling every minute. I want someone to kiss me on my forehead after a long day and it will refresh me right away.
I want someone who would post how much he loves me on my Facebook wall. I want someone who can refuse his friends’ invitation to a drinking session ‘cause he promised to have dinner with me. I want him to look me in the eyes and say, “I love you,” when I’m in a very depressing situation.
I want someone who would always be there for me, though I don’t demand for it – just because he loves me too much.Having that “someone” in someone’s life is already a miracle. Men are never perfect, some are insincere but I believe they love truly, in their own special way.
At this age, believe me, I’m not actually in a hurry to have a boyfriend. Actually I don’t even imagine myself being a “girlfriend.” I know if it’s destined for me to have someone to share the rest of my lifetime with, that someone will be there no matter what, no matter where, and no matter how old I'll be.
“Do you think that miracle would ever happen to me too?”
“I need to find somebody who can't sleep at night
Without holding me, without holding me tight
I want someone who sees me all the time in their dreams
And then wakes up thinking just of me
Spent time on my own
Spent time being free
Now I just wanna be.. Overloved.”-Overloved, Paul DeAnda
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About the Author
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- From: aveleira0730@xanga
- Name: hazel
- About Me: I'm a friendly person and I really want to have many friends around the world! Haha! Writing is my world, but it doesn't mean that writing is my expertise, I just want to express my feelings through it. I'm a Twilight fan, I love to read books and watch movies. I love my family very much, I miss my Dad who's in Canada right now. I'm a first year college student, taking up Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. I'm not religious, but a spiritual person. Can we be friends? =)
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Comments (51)
It sounds like you're in love with the idea of being in love. You want love because of what it can do for you, because of the things YOU want...
...and that sort of "love" is backwards thinking. As long as you hold onto a concept of self-serving love, any "miracles" that do occur for you will either be short-lived, or miserable.
I wonder how one can go that long without a boyfriend at least... @_@ The most douchey, bitchy, to sweetest and kindest, from beautiful to fugly people find someone to date. So how no one seems to have taken interest in you in 27 years is confusing to me... @_@
No less, hope you can be overly loved one day. I am being loved in just the right amounts, if not more currently. :) So hope love comes your way. It's pretty amazing.I'm 27 and unmarried as well. But I've had romantic relationships, and I'll just let you know a few things about them.
1.) They increase your capacity for hatred as much as they increase your capacity for love.
2.) There is just as much painful struggle as there is joyful leisure.
3.) The pleasure of physical intimacy leads to an increase in the pain of physical separation.
I could go on, but my basic point is that there is a balance. I understand the desire to share one's life with another person. It's a healthy normal desire. I just want to make sure that both the advantages and disadvantages of achieving that desire are apparent.
Seems like you have a big heart. I get the feeling things will turn out alright.
More important than having soft hands... is where and how you use them!
Sounds like you have an idealized view of love that has very little to do with reality. The mushy parts of love are great, sure, but real love goes through trials and passes them. You have to learn to love people even with all of their flaws, and grow and change and learn how to actually have a healthy relationship with someone. Relationships are actually a LOT of work. Love is not just some miraculous thing that happens.
Everyone should have that. Keep yourself open to that. I hope you find it. You have an edge that you're a pretty Asian girl with a nice smile and a tender romantic heart. You do look like jailbait though. You say you're 27, but honestly you look 14 at the oldest. That's not a criticism, just an observation. It might be the reason guys either don't approach you or take you seriously in a relationship. Smart men are sensibly leery of making overtures to what they percieve as possibly a teenager. Lord knows it can get them in a lot of trouble! Make up and really stylish hair might make you look more safely mature. Just a suggestion.
I feel your pain. I've gotten into relationships just because I've been lonely. Every day after hanging out with him, I'd go home feeling miserable. But then, at night, I would try to convince myself that I loved him because he's a good man and that it's better than the misery of being alone.
Needless to say, all of those relationships ended up as horrible train wrecks. I would soon find out that the guys seemed nice, but were actually very manipulative and they severely damaged my self-confidence.
Relationships slowly tear me down and throw me into a depression. But yes, I do feel your pain. I'm jealous of the fact that you were strong enough to not take any man that came your way and that even though you haven't had a boyfriend and are upset about that, you still move on with your life...with all the awesomeness that you have now. :)
this blog reminds me of this song by Snuggelina: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPFjA_fYDFw
Like what many of the other Xangans have been saying, it seems like you are in love with the idea of love - which isn't a bad thing, but I feel like once you are actually in a relationship, a lot of things change.
What I can say now is to be patient and enjoy life and when the time comes for that right man to come along, you'll be ready. I know it's probably not advice you'd want to hear right now, but for me, I think God has somebody for every one and he'll place that special guy for you when it's the right time. :)
i think there are no definite rules of when you "should be" married. there are plenty women who are in their 30s and still don't have a husband.
I think you shouldn't be too harsh on yourself. and to be frank, i think you have a really high expectation. I am not saying that a girl shouldn't have a somewhat expectation of a relationship, but I just think that you shouldn't aim too high.
Maybe try to go out more in a friendly environment to make new friends. Love happens in the weirdest place!
Best of Luck.
I'm 30 and I've never had a boyfriend. I feel like I'm invisible at times. I don't get much attention. When I do meet guys I get thrown in the "friend zone" immediately.
You sound very similar to me. I'm 27 also and I'm rarely in a relationship...I've had about 3, one in high school, one in college, and one after college and they all lasted just a couple months so most of the time...I'm single.
However, I sound diff from you bc I don't even care anymore. I'm pretty settled/content on living alone now. LOL.
You're desperate. Happens to a lot of people.
I noticed that when you really stop giving a shit, the right one comes along when you aren't expecting it. But your overlooking how hard is to keep a relationship going and making sacrifices. yes "love" should be easy per say but at the same time it also require works.
i feel ya! i respect the fact that you had the courage to post this up! anywho, as much as all that wushy-wushy love stuff is there is a price to it as well. Love is such a mysterious yet a wonderful thing to experience. Do not be discouraged by your past experiences of it being "one-sided," or the age thing. Possibly try a new hobby? go out with some single lady friends? do something daring a little, maybe that little black dress you've hidden in your closet or have been eyeing at the store could come in handy now!
or simply a great smile and some daring red lipstick you've been dying to try- go for it! now, dont me wrong! i am not advising to be a one-night stand or some booty call ...girl... but just having fun here and there you never know who you'll run into and i believe, as cliche as it may sound, will come when you least expect it! so dont be too hard on yourself 
! as for me, i know relationships can be difficult- that's a given. but honestly it's worth it for me because i would rather have hurt &whatever happiness that came along with that relationship than to have never felt nothin at all!
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I know you don't like me, but I have to say that this was a brilliant comment.
I pretty much agree with what @QuantumStorm@xanga - said.
But seriously...I love Playful Kiss! :D
I love Playful Kiss!!! You have good taste in entertainment, of course you'll find someone, dollface :] Just don't worry about it. I was extremely depressed and certain I'd be alone forever when I met my SO. Those kinds of things happen out of no where when you're least expecting them, promise.
Love this post. Agree with what everyone is saying, though I think being in love with love is beautiful in its own right so don't be discouraged. On the other hand you should realise that sometimes when you put something like this so high on a pedestal, there is a chance it may drop and shatter ? What I mean is having an idea of what love is, it's good and even more so wanting it, everyone wants to be loved, congrats on knowing what you want. Just that in my experience I find that when you put something simple and make it more complicated or 'magical' than it is you are just setting yourself up for a fall - cuts and bruises style. That's my opinion. But seriously this was a really good post, I liked reading it nonetheless. Kudos.
@boilingicicle@xanga - interesting
Not to be a downer; but if all your fella did was put his time in at work, pay the bills, try and help out with the housework & kids, & promise to be faithful 'till death did you both part...would that, erm, suffice?
...and (Lord willing) he would remember to say "I love you."
@QuantumStorm@xanga - alas, mon ami. if there's anyone who's in a position to provide a scathing rebuttal, it's you. i grieve for that state of affairs.
@hesacontradiction@xanga - Thank you, but who said I didn't like you?
@wrybreadspread@xanga - Aye. It's not a position I'd wish upon anyone.
Ay, I hope you get what you want. You have a beautiful optimism and hope for something good. I'm sure you would take the bad with the good. I understand the desire and the need to feel whole, completed, and encapsulated by someone else.
i wrote this one for people of the same vane: http://www.datingish.com/758718156/attraction--advice/