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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and almost 4 months. Lets call him C. I've noticed since we've first started dating, that his OCD is getting worse. I've tried to help him tone it down some, but it hardly works.
He says he's trying to stop doing it so much, but he still does it alot. He always says the same stuff over and over, and I can deal with it to a certain point, but then it finally gets me aggravated.
Don't get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, and all I want to do is to help him stop doing it so much.
What are some ideas we could use to help him with his problem? We're willing to try anything! Any help would be appreciated
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Comments (33)
Therapy! There are group therapies he can go to as well.You can try to help him as much as you want but if it is that bad, he may need professional help.
Leave his ass. OCD can be controlled if he has a reason to do so. Apparently, the disruption of your relationship isn't a good enough reason for him to control himself. Find someone better. Leave his ass.
the problem is that he doesn't seem interested in helping himself, not even at your insistence. my SO has depression troubles, and the only reason i am still putting up with it is because he wants to get better AND is doing whatever is needed to accomplish that. even if something doesn't work, what's important is that he tries.
if your guy isn't willing to try, you deserve better.
OCD is a mental illness, just like depression or bipolar disorder. You can get help, but just because it's getting worse does not mean you should leave him because he isn't trying. He may be trying as hard as he can. Cut him some slack, try to get him into therapy or something of the sort. But you have to remember that it isn't his fault.
I think OCD's obsession and compulsion is not really controllable by the person. It is biological and their brain chemistry is somewhat different. They won't be able to control it just because they want to. Their brain actually works a bit differently.
The best way to help is really to find a good therapist.I believe behavioral therapy helps them the most.- learned from year 1 psych courseAs someone with OCD tendencies, that shit is fucking hard. You can't just choose to get better, all you can do is learn how to hide it, which isn't very good obviously. He needs therapy. Just because he hasn't gotten better yet doesn't mean he doesn't want to or isn't trying. It is a real struggle, and honestly, it's probably only adding to his stress when you're pushing it on him to hurry up and get better.
OCD is a behavioral disorder, not a mental one. What you need to understand first is that feelings are behavior, although they are covert, and
behavior is effected by the environment and prior learning history.
Persons who perform rituals often report feeling anxious, stressed, or even panic attack symptoms prior to engaging in ritualistic behavior (such as checking the oven, turning on/off light switches, and repeating words or phrases). They also often report that engaging in ritualistic behaviors helps them to "relieve" that prior affect. Even more, sometimes the topography, or the particular way that they engage in their behavior, can change microscopically from each time they perform the ritual. This is a form of superstitious avoidance.
It is likely that your boyfriend has had an experience or chain of experiences in his past which was superficially tied to the occurrence of behavior, and shaped in such a way that he will always gain reinforcing consequences (relieving his anxiety/stress) from rituals. If you truly want him to get better, he needs assistance through a therapist who uses behavior analytic practices and systematic desensitization.
He needs professional help. There's nothing you yourself can do except support him and encourage him to find a therapist that can give him the help he needs.
I enjoyed that we got the chance to call him "C" while you didn't care to mention it in the rest of the post. :]
OCD, can't it be treated with therapy or some sort of medication?
i have no knowledge in medicine so I am just asking like that.
Find him support through a support group in the area. It's a mental illness that can't be helped by you telling him to stop or get better. Your stress (bad enough to make you write this post) is probably making him worse.
There are many free support groups across the US. Look for one in your area and direct him to it. If you can't deal with this part of his personality, you don't deserve the rest of him.
It's a mental disorder, in fact, stressing it can make it worst give him so don't jump to conclusions before you give him some information on therapy and doctors available.
@finding_shore@xanga - Exactly! I have those same tendencies myself and I know what you're saying too because it's true.
I have OCD. know that he probably really, really is trying to make things better but sometimes depending on the severity you just need professional help. I would encourage him to talk to someone, or at least look up some resources on the internet.
@Superman_aka_NEPP@xanga - As some who is engaged to someone with an OCD , I find that statement completely offensive. Being with him for this long is it CLEAR he can not control it. My finance's OCD is with germs and things he deems "dirty". He is constantly washing his hands for ten minutes at a time. Yesterday, his cat threw up and he accidentally stepped in it. He started shaking uncontrollably and crying, and this is with almost a year of medication and therapy. He once got dog poop on his shoe and (after the same shaking and crying thing) bought new shoes, when he had just got his old ones only two months ago. He tries so hard and feels terrible about it and himself, and is always scared I'm going to leave him because he is "crazy". Maybe if its mild the person can control it, but when it is as sever as my fiance's, it is not his fault. Do you think people with OCDs like feeling like freaks? I seriously hope you never have someone close in your life that has one because you are going to make them feel terrible.
@Music_Is_Me_123@xanga - And sometimes tough love is more valuable than coddling him like a child. :)
My boyfriend has OCD (the kind where he obsesses about the past). The best thing to do is try to talk to him about therapy and then if he follows through, then let him do his coping methods.. I'm in therapy myself for anxiety and that's what I was told to do.
@Superman_aka_NEPP@xanga - "Tough love" isn't going to get rid of a mental illness. I'd be PISSED of my boyfriend left me for my sometimes intolerable anxiety issues. It's quite obvious you don't understand mental illness.
I've been dating my boyfriend over 8 months now. Yes, I admit his OCD is a pain in my butt 95% of my time but it's worth staying with him because I love that man to death. I wouldn't leave him for a mental illness because I understand. It takes a lot of understanding and patience to be with someone with a mental illness. It's not for the weak of heart.
@prettykay04@xanga - Like all mental illnesses, medicine helps to an extent. You still have to work at getting better and medicine isn't for everyone with a mental disorder. It's usually used as a last resort.
I have OCD. It's not something you can easily overcome, and I think you may be asking too much of your boyfriend. You should ask him if he's willing to seek professional help, but if he won't or can't, you have to decide if this is something you're willing to tolerate about him, or if it's too much for you to deal with. You cannot overcome OCD simply because you want to. The intensity of the need to do whatever it is you do compulsively is too strong for any person to withstand without an enormous amount of strength and willpower... which is attainted during therapy or via medication. I refuse to do either of these things because my OCD actually helps me to stay organized and check, re-check, and re-re-check things for errors, or in the case of papers, for the fluidity and cohesion of the paper. Therefore everything I hand in is impeccable and complete, and usually correct.
But this seems to be a behavior that only hinders his ability to interact with others, so he may want to see someone. In the end, that's what it will probably take to lessen the behavior. But don't get your hopes up, beccause it probably will not cease completely. The decision is yours, but if you love him, you'll have to learn to love this part, too.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
Well, since you didn't go into any detail about his OCD tendencies, it's hard to offer any insight. Does he clean obsessively? Count? What does he do to disrupt the relationship?
I've got assorted mental problems myself, so I can offer a bit of insight into the situation. With you, you've only been dating him for 4 months, so it's early in the relationship. If it's only been 4 months and you're already going crazy from his mental illness, I suggest breaking up with him. It's kinder to him than letting it get so much worse and then leaving him at his worst because YOU can't handle it. Try to imagine being him and trying to deal with being obsessive compulsive. Read a damn book about it or something.
Love is NOT enough when it comes to mental illness. It takes a really special, strong person to be with somebody with a mental illness. I have put my boyfriend through hell and back and given him very little in return because of it. It's not because I'm inherently selfish, my mental illness just tends to take priority over everything else in my life a lot of the time.
That being said, if you really do love him as much as you say you do, and you want to deal with his mental illness for the rest of your lives, I suggest you to encourage him to go to therapy, maybe get medication, maybe the two of you could go to therapy together, and definitely YOU need to read up on the disorder and ask him exactly what he needs from you, or just try to learn techniques on how to deal with OCD people from books, internet, etc.
Mental illness is never rational to a rational minded person, but it is very rational to the one suffering from it. But getting ANGRY at him over something he has NO CONTROL over is never going to solve anything, and will probably just make him worse.
@Superman_aka_NEPP@xanga - The whole idea of "tough love" is usually not really love but something else. You have to know when that approach appropriate and when it's not, and being with someone who has a mental illness is not the time for tough love because it's not going to cure anything or make anything better. I honestly hope you never date someone with OCD with that type of attitude, because you'll probably fuck them up really badly. As if showing compassion is the same as "coddling like a child"...puhh-leez.
I have OCD and so does my fiance, and it makes an entire universe of difference being with someone who understands my problem. His is more the obsessive cleaning and arranging things type whereas mine is the strange meaningless mental rituals and unwanted obsessions with violence and danger type. Both of them are destructive in their own ways.
I think the most important thing is to get him professional help in the form of a psychiatrist and therapist. And do not be afraid to try medication...the only bad thing about medication is that sometimes the side effects can really suck ass. I have taken Lexapro and clomipramine, and both (in combination with seeing a therapist regularly) have basically helped me kick my OCD right in the ass. But it takes a lot of time and a LOT of mental work. And with meds, there is always the "do I want to take this drug for the rest of my life" dilemma. For me it is a good solution right now.
What most people do NOT understand at all is that OCD isn't something you can change just by wanting to and by sheer force of will. And also: it's chronic. Depression and anxiety can come and go sometimes based on life situation, but OCD doesn't ever completely go away. It can be subdued and controlled but it never leaves. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope he can find some help and relief. OCD can make life a living hell sometimes.
One more thing: ignore people who say that if he can't change it's because he doesn't care about the relationship and you should leave him. That is, quite frankly, bullshit. Sometimes all I've wanted in the whole world is to push my obsessive thoughts out of my head, but wanting to and trying to are not always enough.
I had OCD tendencies when I was younger. It wasn't until I was 18 and my first fiance died that certain things picked up in the OCD department. I really honestly don't think you can control it all yourself. You can get help, medication, and a lot of rude comments, but you still can't control certain things. I was just so fucked up... my mind got used to things in that fucked up state that I couldn't shake it, I still cant shake it. I don't think you should 'leave him' as @Superman_aka_NEPP@xanga suggested. It's good that he wants to try. That's a good step. Relationships are hard in the first place. If you love him, you will find a way. Good luck :)
Rearrange all his shit.