Saturday, 04 February 2012
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Friendship VS Relationships: Platonic Love
When do people feel betrayed?When do you weigh the factors of friendships and relationships? What's more important?
I have three friends: Luisa, Isa, and Karson. We're all studying music, Luisa and Isa are singers and Karson...well let's just say that he's a one man band. Isa has had a huge crush on Karson ever since he transfered from a different University. Karson's a great guy, extremely nice and polite, but most of all a wonderful gentlemen.
Isa would often talk to me about him. She would tell me how he would sometimes give her a ride to her classes and how he would call her to ask her if she needed anything. I told her to tell Karson how she feels about him, but she was always too afraid of what the answer might be. I always say, "It's better to know what could be than wondering what could've been." Regardless of what I would tell her, she just wouldn't listen. She was too afraid, that was the problem.
Months passed, she said nothing and just acted "normal" around Karson. Little did she know that he had his eyes set on Luisa for a while. During winter break, Karson and Luisa did a lot of bonding together. They got to know each other a little more and in the end they both found out they liked each other. A week before the semester began, I found out that Luisa and Karson are a couple. I felt happy for Luisa regardless of how Isa might've felt. Luisa didn't know Isa liked Karson, otherwise I'm sure she wouldn't have agreed to be a couple with him. Isa told me not to tell anybody about her feelings for Karson, so my hands were tied.
Classes begin, we all meet up at choir as usual. But then when class was over, Karson and Luisa were holding hands and Isa saw it. I saw what had just happened and didn't know what to do, Luisa and Karson were completely oblivious to what was going on. However, Isa didn't react either, her facial expression didn't say anything about how she was feeling at that moment. She just picked up her stuff and left the classroom.
Two days after this, Luisa talks to me and tells me about how Isa is acting around her. Luisa had just found out that Isa had a crush on Karson, she didn't know anything about that. She told me how Isa wouldn't even say hi to her anymore and would just ignore her coldly. Luisa knew about Isa's crush through Karson because he had told her that Isa had confessed her feelings to him the day after he had confessed his feelings to Luisa. He politely turned Isa down saying that he was already in a relationship but he wanted to be friends with her. I don't know what Isa's reaction was to Karson's response, he didn't say anything about what had happened then.
Now, Isa has completely changed with everyone. She doesn't talk to anybody and she just sits by herself in corners avoiding everyone that wanted to talk to her. She wouldn't even talk to me! What did I do to deserved the silent treatment? I was caught in the middle of everything! I gave her advice but she didn't take it. What I hate is that she's victimizing herself like if it really is everyone's fault. Luisa tries to talk to her, but no avail. I try to talk to her and she won't budge.
Luisa and Isa were best friends before they met me and before Karson came along. They considered themselves sisters! Now everything's changed. I don't know what to do and neither does Luisa because Isa thinks that everybody's against her, which is not true! She's acting like Luisa stole Karson from her when he wasn't even hers to begin with. I still appreciate her friendship and I don't want to lose that.
If you were in my position what would you do? Can a long intimate friendship go down the drain just like that, because of this situation?
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About the Author
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- From: Orlei@xanga
- Name: Orlei
- About Me: I'm currently studying music, my main instrument is voice and my second is piano. I don't sing musicals and I will shoot anyone who asks me to sing it. Most of the time I space in and out...sometimes I just stay spaced out...ADD. I tend to not make sense most of the time, but if you're smart, you'll be able to figure out what I'm trying to say.
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Comments (21)
Because most people are stubborn and like to hold grudges, yes friendships can be thrown away so easy. Unfortunately.It isn't fair to you but what can you do. You can keep at attempting a friendship or even somehow organize a meet between all of you to discuss this and get past this.
Boo. Sucks that girls can't understand when they're overreacting irrationally and get more angry when you point it out. She's being so immature.
But if you really wanted to salvage the relationship, I'd go with a really sympathetic conversation. Something along the lines of
-I know why you're unhappy, and it really pains me to see you upset-I wanted to see you and Karson work out, I wanted to see you happy with him; that's why I encouraged you (avoid anything that would even vaguely sound like "told you so")-You and Luisa are both so important to me - when either of you are unhappy, I try to make things better, and when either of you are happy, I'm happy for you-I think Luisa would have respected you and avoided dating Karson had she known how much you liked him; I know she cares a lot about your happiness-But as you might know, once you've already started a relationship, it becomes complicated when you later find out a friend would prefer if you weren't together-Luisa really misses you and is upset that you're unhappy and unwilling to talk to her. She had no idea
Blah blah blah blah and then if she calms down, maybe after a couple days or weeks tell her she was expecting too much of you and Luisa
isa should've told luisa about her crush if they were so close.
Isa should have made more of an effort to reach out to Luisa about her feelings, if they were such close friends after-all, rather than to victimize herself and furthermore shut herself out from the world like she's done. You won't get very far if you don't give anyone a single clue.
How old are these people? This too, shall pass.
She probably needs time. Stick around and keep offering your time and sympathy, but don't push if she says no. Also, avoid anything that sounds like 'I told you so.' Chances are, she's withdrawing and kicking herself for not saying something earlier. She may not want to be friends with Luisa and/or Karson anymore. You have to be able to respect that your little group has changed and be willing to hang out with Isa alone or with new friends. She might also make you choose; some people are like that.
Personally, I don't think she's behaving appropriately. She can respectfully pull away from Luisa to not have 'salt rubbed in her wound' but to reject ALL her friends is kind of ridiculous.
I am so glad that my friends and I don't like the same kind of guys and probably never will.
She'll either finish grieving after a while and renew the relationships, in which case your concerns about reconciliation are going to be happily addressed, or she'll continue to sulk, in which case you probably don't need a friend like her anyway.
It sounds as though Isa needs to grow up somewhat. It drives Me a little bit crazy when people Rage at everybody else for Their own unwillingness to be open. Tell Her to act like a grown up and get over it, there will be somebody that is more right for Her.
I know this is random, but I thought this video was funny and think you should check it out and see for yourself. I found it on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLGoVEPO1wk
Am I missing something? Sounds to me like she DID follow your advice -- she told him how she felt. And IMO, it was terrible advice. Pretty obvious from what you said that Karson never really liked her all that much -- otherwise he would've made a move! So to tell your friend to put herself on the line like that anyway was sort of a disaster waiting to happen. Isa sounds like she had it under control all along until she put herself out there unnecessarily. So is it any wonder she's hurting? Give her some space.
Show her what you just wrote to everyone else and other than that you just have to let things run their course. She will come around and if she doesn't call her up in a few months..
@ivorygem@xanga - Telling her to tell him how she feels was the right move. It's better than her sitting there wondering "what if" for a very long time. At least now she knows how he feels and she can start to deal with it. The way she is dealing, in my opinion, is less than mature, but everyone deals differently.
To the OP: Just keep being there for her. I've had friends do this before, just keep the door open, let her know you are there for her, and at some point she will have to decide if it's worth saving the friendship or not. But you didn't do anything wrong, it sucks to be stuck in the middle like that.
@PassionFruit06@xanga - Yes, it's the right move in terms of getting rid of the 'what if.' But I think all girls should know how to read signs better and know whether or not it's even necessary to make the move. Unfortunately, it only takes this kind of heartbreak before you become motivated enough to figure out the 'what ifs' ahead of time.
She's sad. Offer to distract her away from the happy couple and try really hard, don't just half-heartedly do it.
Isa is being childish. It's her fault she took so long.
this sounds like a spanish tv drama
Don't let a dude get in between your friendship with each other. And it really isn't your fault. You tried to help, but she took your advice too late. She's just being sour about the whole thing and if she doesn't want to be friends than that's her problem. She's acting like a baby right now.
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