Saturday, 04 February 2012
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My First, Yet Not My Last?
In September, my "boyfriend" said, "Let's take a break," and I agreed. So we stopped being in a relationship but continued to date, have sex and talk/text. He said the reason for our break is that I'm still young and he can't be the only one that I have dated. He's my first everything. I need to experience more foods to see what (who) my favorite is.He doesn't want me to waste my youth on him and regret all the missed opportunities later. He also doesn't want to commit 100 percent only for me to leave him later on and I get where he is coming from, but don't really agree because that isn't me. So I tried it, met a few nice dudes and bunch of creeps and crazies. Not one of those dating experiences worked out.
So now I'm still seeing my "ex" normally even after all these months of us being on a break and me dating other guys. It's exactly the same as us being in a relationship, minus the title. We aren't in a relationship but we are more than friends with benefits (what he said). He says he loves me and stuff yet it's so confusing because we still have such an open relationship.
I guess in a way we could date other people. I trust him completely but still have doubts of us ever getting back together. I love him a lot and am happy to just be with him and still "together," yet not. He talks of the future sometimes and all that. I notice slowly I am gaining his trust and don't wanna ruin anything just yet. He's an amazing guy and I just wanna be with him; he's simply unique.
I wanna know what other people think about this.
I know I won't leave him or forget him yet, just curious if anyone can help me think of ways to gain his trust faster rather than letting time tell. Or should his trust just take time?
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- From: medome
- Name: medome
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- About Me: Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession. Love me or hate me, that is the question. If you love me then thank you! If you hate me then fuck you!
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Comments (38)
He should be doing the work to get your trust.
You say you are happy with him, but it sounds like you are settling, and you're not really happy not having a title on your relationship. Do you like this strain that your relationship is putting on your heart?Ehhhh...his excuse seems bogus to me. I mean, you said yourself that's not really you, to date around and what not. Who cares if he's your first or not if you know you don't want anyone else. He should respect your decision that you choose him and trust it. To me, he's just coming up with a semi clever excuse to keep you around without fully committing to you. I don't believe he's looking out for your best interest. Run.
@crashthedr3am@xanga - I agree!
If he really cares about you, he should be doing some of the work too! A relationship takes 2 people to build, but only 1 to destroy. While the reason for the break sounds logical, doing the same stuff as you would have can quickly lead you to fall into the 'friends with benefit' title, which i'm guessing isn't what you want.
if anyone wants something they would be more than determined to get it. what are u gonna do when he leaves u for another chick? and when he protests he'd be like we weren't committed to begin with.
Trust develops with time, why would u wanna rush it. You wanna be thorough to prevent urself from getting hurt. And you need to voice to him that you want a relationship.I call bullshit.
See, if he actually REALLY wanted you and only you, he would ask you "Hey, so I don't really want to bring this up, but I'm comfortable being with you. I'm just worried that maybe in the future you'll feel like you missed out on 'dating' if you stay with me and I end up being your first and only love. I know many people feel that way and I just want to make sure you think seriously about how you feel about the relationship."
And then he would be glad to stay with you as long as you told him "Yes, I want you and only you, and I don't mind forgoing the chance for other dating experiences because I think you're worth it."
or you could say "Yeah, I think I might have regrets about only dating you for the rest of my life." and you guys would break up, he would be heartbroken.
But for him to just say "I think you would like dating other guys" and ending the relationship? Sounds to me like he's just making excuses because either he doesn't want to commit to you, or he's terrified of being left by you so he just assumes you would leave him and breaks up with you.
Either way, figure out what it is, but I think what he did says something bad about him.
he wants to sample the other 30 flavors of the ice cream and when they have lost their thrill, he might come back to be committed to you unless he gets greedier and wants to sample more while keeping you around as the last resort option, because he knows that you'll stick around since you seem to vaule your first everything with him...although he doesn't seem to value it like you do if he has the desire to date other people. you're allowing him to have the best of both worlds, so why would he even want to settle down
he seems manipulative.
Really? :/ I say move on from him..
He's using you. He gets all the benefits without the commitment. My boyfriend is my first ever and there's no way he'd ever let me go! not even to "try other foods." It's not like we can't tell a bad guy from the rest. If you like your boyfriend, you don't need to date others. And stop rushing into the future so much. Why do you need to know the future NOW? It sounds like you're young. I think he's just using you.
@crashthedr3am@xanga -
I don't really know if this is putting a strain on my heart but it just confusing in the sense there is no title of our relationship...he makes me happy and idk
Why are you trying to gain his trust? It doesn't make any sense to me. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it, too. If you are not happy about your current situation now (between the two of you), you need to talk to him about it or you can continue to be in a whatever-you-are relationship with him. Just don't be surprise when he just gets up and leave you one day.
@jeezshoua@xanga - What I mean by trust, is I guess in a way trying to prove to him that I won't leave him or cheat like his other past relationships. He has issues about it so that is also affecting our relationship or lack of one...and when he does leave I don't know.
@reesa14@xanga - BOOM. Thats your answer, RUN. Run, forest, run.
you do NOT deserve this, this is utter bullshit.
mh I had the same thought as everyone else here but it DOES happen that ppl take breaks because of their own insecurities. They push you away to see if you come back.
This somehow offers too little background information to get a picture.
anyway, to answer your question a way to gain people's trust is to make clear you don't want to lose them. Tell him that the time durig the break sucked for you because you weren't with him etc.
However *only* if he really isn't an asshole.
Haha, I guess with all the negative comments, you should've seen this one coming. Apparently, the one being in love and is in the relationship, is often blinded by the truth. We women, love to comfort and persuade ourselves into thinking 'he is worth it,' 'he is the one,' 'things will get better,' etc., when in reality, it isn't like that. I guess we will always learn from our experiences sooner or later, I'm guessing with you is that you have to go through it yourself to realize things and learn from them. "Sometimes things just don't work out, maybe because it's not meant to be, and possibly we are meant for something better." --remember that.
He's just using you. That whole story he fed you is just a line. Let him have his break, by you not having sex with him.
Since i was in this situation before, i'm not going to post a negative comment. It'll be hypocritical so what i will tell you is that he probably isn't doing it for you, he's doing it for himself. He wants to keep you around and still see other girls but have you there whenever his little heart desires.What TiredSoVeryTired@xanga
said is right, cut off sex for a while and THEN see what he has to say, it'll show. I know it may be hard but I've seen this happen too many times and went through it myself but please you don't need to be with this asshole.l He's in a way using you which is effed up and something you don't deserve.
you should just stop seeing him and js see other people since it's his idea. if you keep seeing him YOU are the one losing. im sure if he LOVESSS you he'll try hard to get you back once you completely cut him off. staying with him= he's js stringing you along
Lol. So he basically gets the benefits of a relationship but not the commitment part of it, huh?
See other people? Attachments are hard :/
I'm going through something quite similar. All you can do is wait for them. It doesn't sound like he lost his trust in to begin with. Maybe a friend said something that made him reconsider the age difference (it sounds at least as significant as the 12-year gap in my relationship) and what that might mean for you as the younger. Maybe something similar happened on his end in a relationship gone past. Regardless, this is where you find yourself now.
All you can do is wait for the trust to build. If you try to push it ahead, any little thing might set it back innumerably. It's a chance you have to be willing to take, if you try to speed up the process.
@medome - Honey... if you are frustrated over how confused it is to the point where you're just upset and you don't know what to do. Kind of what made you think, you should post this blog.. there's strain.
Sometimes it just takes time to realize what you want for yourself. You are a beautiful person, you don't need to spend life living in varying shades of confusion. Decide what you want that will make you happy. :)
It sounds like he's the one that's dying to date other people to find his favourite dish :S there are so many nice guys out there, of course you won't meet one if you're still hung up on him!
If he really loved you, he wouldn't want anybody else to have you. His excuses are bull crap. Run!