Thursday, 02 February 2012
For some reason I chose to torture myself by explaining and proving to my ex-boyfriend (and baby daddy) of 13 years that I am actually working out and getting fit “just because.” I told him I would text him later because I was on my way out for a run and he naturally replied, “Yeah, sure” as though he did not believe me. I snapped a shot of myself in all my sweaty sexiness and a workout face and sent it to him via text message. I must admit, it was most definitely not the most flattering picture of me, but I never thought I would get the comment, “Wow you look used.”
This comment nearly broke me. In fact, it actually did. My heart dropped and I felt ugly all over again. It reminded me of how he had made me feel for a good chunk of our life together. Ugly. Unwanted. Although, he swore he was the only one who would ever want me after my body went through the ups and downs of pregnancy, obesity, dramatic weight loss, and physical sickness, he still managed to make me feel ugly… and scared.
I was always scared to leave him because I was afraid no man would accept me with stretch marks, and a belly that did not resemble a bikini model off of the runway. I was always afraid no man would take me with my “baggage” being three children, a crazy ex, and a lot of underlying emotional and psychological issues that could scare some of the most insane men around away.
So why look for his approval on my photo? I wasn’t looking for a compliment, but more or less the acknowledgment that I was telling the truth, or even that I am actually doing something good for myself. I guess that was too much to ask, huh? I just wanted to shove it in his face that I am really running, getting fit, taking care of myself, and I am a happier person.
I am happy.
I have a great man who loves me for all that I am; body, heart, mind, and soul. I have a lot of great friends who are supportive and positive. My parents are backing me up 100% on my decisions, whether they agree with them or not. So what is there not to be happy about? I guess, it is not so much the counting on him to make me happy, but more or less the fact that maybe, just maybe, for once in his selfish, God-forsaken life, he could be happy I was doing something positive for myself.
He is a selfish man, riddled with bitterness from our failed relationship. I could choose to be a bitter, unhappy, and resentful bitch, but that's not the life I want. Happiness is why I left.
If I look “used” it is because I was at one point. I was tired and broken from the life I worked so hard to try to make enjoyable. I was worn out and unhappy. Now, I am trying to rejoice in my happiness and smile a real smile. One that is not hiding pain, suffering, and misery. A real, genuine smile that shows how in love I am with my life now.
So, be that as it may, perhaps I look used to you, sir, but I am in fact, happier than I have ever been. Although, you choose to be bitter and try to break me, I will not be broken because at the end of the day, you are no longer here to continue to beat me down emotionally and I can always call on someone else to bring my spirits up. I am all that. I am a great person: smart, funny, and beautiful. Unfortunately, that was not the woman you had when we were together because you “used” her. You sucked the life and positive energy out of me that could have benefited our children, our household.
I may have had a moment of weakness and thought that I could get a positive thought from you and was deeply hurt by your opinion, but I’m over it now and you can go on being miserable and bitter. I will continue on my path to self-love and enjoy the fruits of my labor and sacrifice.
Basically, you can say what you want, but all in all… I am a happy girl, and all you can do is be hurtful, cruel and bitter, but that’s your problem. Not mine.