Thursday, 02 February 2012
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"...You Look Used"
For some reason I chose to torture myself by explaining and proving to my ex-boyfriend (and baby daddy) of 13 years that I am actually working out and getting fit “just because.” I told him I would text him later because I was on my way out for a run and he naturally replied, “Yeah, sure” as though he did not believe me. I snapped a shot of myself in all my sweaty sexiness and a workout face and sent it to him via text message. I must admit, it was most definitely not the most flattering picture of me, but I never thought I would get the comment, “Wow you look used.”This comment nearly broke me. In fact, it actually did. My heart dropped and I felt ugly all over again. It reminded me of how he had made me feel for a good chunk of our life together. Ugly. Unwanted. Although, he swore he was the only one who would ever want me after my body went through the ups and downs of pregnancy, obesity, dramatic weight loss, and physical sickness, he still managed to make me feel ugly… and scared.
I was always scared to leave him because I was afraid no man would accept me with stretch marks, and a belly that did not resemble a bikini model off of the runway. I was always afraid no man would take me with my “baggage” being three children, a crazy ex, and a lot of underlying emotional and psychological issues that could scare some of the most insane men around away.
So why look for his approval on my photo? I wasn’t looking for a compliment, but more or less the acknowledgment that I was telling the truth, or even that I am actually doing something good for myself. I guess that was too much to ask, huh? I just wanted to shove it in his face that I am really running, getting fit, taking care of myself, and I am a happier person.
I am happy.
I have a great man who loves me for all that I am; body, heart, mind, and soul. I have a lot of great friends who are supportive and positive. My parents are backing me up 100% on my decisions, whether they agree with them or not. So what is there not to be happy about? I guess, it is not so much the counting on him to make me happy, but more or less the fact that maybe, just maybe, for once in his selfish, God-forsaken life, he could be happy I was doing something positive for myself.
He is a selfish man, riddled with bitterness from our failed relationship. I could choose to be a bitter, unhappy, and resentful bitch, but that's not the life I want. Happiness is why I left.
If I look “used” it is because I was at one point. I was tired and broken from the life I worked so hard to try to make enjoyable. I was worn out and unhappy. Now, I am trying to rejoice in my happiness and smile a real smile. One that is not hiding pain, suffering, and misery. A real, genuine smile that shows how in love I am with my life now.
So, be that as it may, perhaps I look used to you, sir, but I am in fact, happier than I have ever been. Although, you choose to be bitter and try to break me, I will not be broken because at the end of the day, you are no longer here to continue to beat me down emotionally and I can always call on someone else to bring my spirits up. I am all that. I am a great person: smart, funny, and beautiful. Unfortunately, that was not the woman you had when we were together because you “used” her. You sucked the life and positive energy out of me that could have benefited our children, our household.
I may have had a moment of weakness and thought that I could get a positive thought from you and was deeply hurt by your opinion, but I’m over it now and you can go on being miserable and bitter. I will continue on my path to self-love and enjoy the fruits of my labor and sacrifice.
Basically, you can say what you want, but all in all… I am a happy girl, and all you can do is be hurtful, cruel and bitter, but that’s your problem. Not mine.
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About the Author
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- From: Honduran_Goddess@xanga
- About Me: Athena. 22. Female. New Yorker. Libra. Lover. Wife. SAHM. Writer. Photographer. Teacher. Counselor. Friend. Blogging. An online catharsis of things you want to say about life. My decision to get back to blogging was deeply rooted in the emotional distress my soul has endured through the past year. I have been unable to focus my attention on being a literary prodigy as I once was, yet the desire to write has never eluded me. As I’ve grown up from the young girl I once was, I have made many choices. Some choices have questioned my integrity, my morals, and the very goodness I have always prided myself on exhibiting. I have cheated, and lied; hurt people. I have done things in the way of finding my own happiness but the path I chose was less traveled and riddled with obstacles, hurdles and pain. In the process of finding my happiness, I hurt people I cared about, made new enemies, and became distanced from the life I once knew. This is my story…
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Comments (52)
Don't worry. Be happy.
my body aged too. Thank God. I hated all the attention I got when I was attractive. It got me killed. Females aren't designed to be hollywood pretty. We get old.
this picture right here is all because I wsa pretty. I bloomed like all girls do. And heaven forbid Hell came.
You were working out in that picture! of course you look tired! I look like shit when I work out. Face gets all spoltchy and red but I look damn good normally. So yes, your ex can go f*ck himself.
no offense dude, you def brought that one on yourself! don't continue to contact proven assholes!
I stopped at baby daddy.
I'm sorry he continues to act that way, but you let him. Stop texting him about you. He will always, always find some way to bring you down. Nothing you ever, ever do will change that. He says what he says not because he believes it himself, but because he knows it is going to break you down.
Good luck!
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - That is about the best advice one could give in this situation.
he can't break you unless you give him some material to work with; text message info about yourself. I'd ignore him completely.
@lewk@xanga - Bobby McFerrin? Seriously?
I like this. seems like you are letting go of him. The wounds of the past are deep sometimes, but you seem to be focusing on the present & realizing that it's the way to go. Some people are always trying to bring yo down. They don't deserve a place in your life I think.
LIVE STRONG and BE STRONG! :D
Don't talk to him and let him bring you down like that!
you have nothing to prove to him anymore. just talk to him when you HAVE to.. (ie.. things dealing with your child).. theres no other reason to even have to continue his abuse
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - And when you get old, you get replaced (well, if the man has the money). Like in Mad Men.
So...uh...why do you keep in contact with the fucker? Dude's an ass.
I love this post! I just got out of a relationship that wore me down emotionally, mentally, financially and everything in-between. It wasn't worth it! I wish I knew better from the start all the pain and misery it caused me. Our relationship is over now... and life is nothing short of fantastic. I can't believe I put up with everything I did... he made me feel like shit, like I wasn't good enough. Even though I knew (and everyone around me) that I was doing a fantastic job balancing work/school/love life all full time. I felt like shit for a really long time and questioned my self worth. It took a bit but I re-remembered that he does not determine my self worth or attractiveness. My identity and pride comes from me on the inside and I finally got everything I once had back. :)
You're letting him do this to you! You're even giving him the material to hurt you. Just don't talk to him unless you need to talk to him about your child. He has no business knowing about your life so just don't tell him.
(( hugs))
Yes, block his calls, cut him off. He is insecure himself, so that's why he feels the need to put you down.
You are fortunate you left before he became abusive. He was trying to get a rise out of you and see if he still had that power to hurt you. I think the best thing to do is not talk to him at all.
Any guy who would reject you for the reasons you thought would not be a good man anyway.
Decent guys will see you for the treasure you are and build up, not tear down.
Praying for what it's worth, that you be free from him and continue to find happiness and peace at last. But forgive him too so that he has no power over you.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - fuck that. If he has cash, I'll let him have a mistress, but he'll be busy taking care of the million children I have with him :P I ain't dumb, just stupid.
Good for you for choosing happiness.
Now don't talk to him anymore, unless it's about the children. He doesn't need to know you're doing something good for yourself.
That man is the biggest idiot of all .
you continue to do what makes you happy forget him and love yourselfYou keep on being happy, girl!
Beautiful people on the inside are beautiful people on the outside, too. They radiate a glow of happiness, and I just know you have that glow! Do not let what he says affect you any longer. I'm proud of you for choosing a life of happiness, so take it and enjoy it! Have a wonderful day, and do not let anyone bring you down!! <3