Tuesday, 31 January 2012
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Why I'm Pro Online Dating
This is in response to "Why I'm Against Online Dating" by "theasianwithnoname."
Have you ever met someone online instead of in person because you were afraid? Have you ever met someone in person because you were purposely afraid of doing it online? No? I didn't think so. Neither scenario makes sense.
I guess you could say I'm an expert in online dating, as I've been doing it for years. But I never did it because of fear. I was like any teenager at the time--impressionable, caught up in what seemed to be the newness of the Internet (this was circa 2002). The sight of a cute boy on that computer screen was enough to send me into a tizzy, and knowing that I could have a chance with him, as he lived in the same state I did, excited me even more.
Most of the boys at my high school had girlfriends whom they'd loved since kindergarten because I went to an arts high school, and as far as I'm concerned, having an interest and talent in the arts makes you that much more passionate about someone. Anyway, with that situation and with me having low self-esteem, I turned to the computer to make friends and possible romantic connections. Sure, a few times, it led to slightly dangerous situations, but as the years passed, I grew more knowledgeable and would not put myself in circumstances which I felt could lead to the end of my life.
My first actual relationship happened thanks to the Internet. I was 19, and a friend of my friend D. sent me a friend request on Facebook. He and I found common ground in music and political beliefs, so we traded numbers and agreed to meet at a now-defunct coffee shop called Node after about 3 weeks of talking.
The electricity between us was undeniable; it felt like my body was on fire when we first kissed. From there, we dated for almost 2 months; lots of passionate nights, sweet dates, and coffee fueled days took place between us. While the breakup was rough, I'm still grateful to have had that experience.
Since then I've had a few more relationships, including my current one, which is going on 1 1/2 years. Thanks to the Internet, I've made lots of friends, locally and internationally. Some of them I probably won't meet face to face for quite a few years; some of them I've hung out with after years of talking online; some of them I've hung out with after days of talking. They are the most solid relationships I've ever had in my 24 years.
While I don't knock exclusively meeting people in person, I always ask someone who won't meet a person online why they won't. I always get the same answer--"What if he's crazy? What if he's not who he says he is?" That's a risk indeed, but you know what? The same thing can happen if you meet people in person. Ever heard the phrase "two faced"?
No matter if you're introduced to someone through a computer screen or through a friend in a cafe down the street from where you live, people can change, and they can be psycho, weird, etc. In general, I say "fear nothing" because, a lot of times, you could be missing out on a great experience if you only do things one way.
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About the Author
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- From: x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga
- About Me: I've found my purpose! I'm happily taken and studying cosmetology while being true to myself without pleasing The Man. If you know what I mean, you know what I mean! :)
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Comments (39)
i am pro-online dating (as much as i hate it), though i think your story promotes all of the other writer's misconceptions--i.e. that its existence is primarily for those who are undesirable (in your case, low self-esteem) or those who need it as a "last resort". and it seems that you're spending a lot of time talking to people online that you've never met (and may never meet) in real life. while it's nice to have that shield of anonymity, you again promote the other writer's idea that you don't really know the other person.
i don't personally spend a lot of time on the internet. the only sites i visit involving interaction with other people are xanga and okcupid. i have never met someone from xanga (though i suppose there's no reason i wouldn't). i have met girls from okc on maybe 6-8 occasions, and in all but one of those instances, i met the girl after 4-5 messages. the exception was one girl who was out of town at the time we were messaging, and we got coffee almost immediately after she returned.
the internet shouldn't be used to have relationships (whether romantic or platonic) with people. it should be used to START relationships. i prefer to live life and know people in a context where i can see their body language, hear their tone of voice, and know how they react with more than just words on a screen.
conclusion: i agree with your overarching point, but much like the other writer, i think you need to leave your computer screen.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - .....I do leave my screen. I know I sound like a stereotypical person who meets others online and that is how it started, but I do have friends whom I knew in high school and at work.
I would like to point out that starting as early as you did, and therefore getting in some potentially dangerous situations, is not a common experience with online dating.
beyond that, i totally agree, the idea that online dating is only for scaredy cats is ridiculous. I met my boyfriend of 5 months online and couldn't be happier.
Online dating is still hard as fuck if you're just an average guy.
Online dating is a great way to meet people (considering that you will meet them face to face one day, of course). I found two love interests online which became two of my most serious relationship, but it wasn't because I was afraid (either) or have low self esteem. It was on a social networking site (not a dating site) and we just clicked when we met each other. Online dating is in the norm now and however people choose to meet their potential partner, it is their business.. as long as they do it safely.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - agreed, it's hard for an average girl as well.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I am doing the same. Okcupid and xanga seem to be my only two likes so far, but I don't think I want to stay on OkCupid for much longer. How in the world did these girls meet you in 4-5 messages? Was this over a period of several days? Did you date any of these girls further?
I chose online dating for myself because of my work, having kids and daily schedule making it hard for me to go meet people on my own. I work in a bar and it seems like all the guys sleep around with all the girls in there. I didnt want someone who had been with everyone I knew or was friends with. I used a few of the free sites and was very unhappy feeling like it was just a meat market feeling everyone just wanting to have casual encounters and random hook ups.. I confided in a few of my friends who were very familiar and comfortable with the online dating sites. One of them suggested I try a site you pay for if I really wanted to find a serious relationship. I decided to try out match after researching several pay for dating sites. They had the best overall reviews both online and from friends. I had been signed up for 2 days before I started to browse the pictures. I had sent a wink to someone based on his picture NEVER expecting him to wink back or message me back. ( I was lacking serious confidence at that point because of bad dates and failed past relationships) To my suprise and my liking he did send me a message and we exchanged messages for weeks before I got his number and at least another week or so of texts and messages on the site before going on our first date. We ultimately ended up getting married and having a baby.
My advice based on what I have gone through and what friends have gone through on dating sites is if you are not looking for any kind of serious relationship use the free sites. If you are looking for serious and more use the pay sites. It is well worth it. Some of them will even refund your money or give you so many free months if you use the site and dont find someone within an allotted amount of time.
@Saintssweetie@xanga - wow, congratulations. i love hearing happy ending stories like these. also ur advise was really good however, i have to point out that there may be some people who arent in a position to be able to pay for the sites. what then? r we doomed?
@purelilly@xanga Thank you. I understand the not being able to use the pay sites. I could not afford it for a while and I think thats part of what drove me to the free sites. I finally forced myself to set aside a few bucks. I think it cost me 30 bucks for it. I am glad I did. You can find long term and meaningful relationships on the free sites, you just have to take your time and have the patients to weed through the bad ones and those who dont want something like that. Take your time it is worth it in the end
thanks for ur advise. ill keep that in mind in the future. and you are right, there seems to be alot of ppl on the free sites looking for casual hookups and it gets exhasting trying to weed them out.
yes, because it is 100% healthy to form a relationship with someone on the internt. Also its very safe.
@crashthedr3am@xanga - usually over 2-3 days, yeah (exception for the girl who was out of town). i went out with all but 2 of those girls at least 3-4 times, and i'm still seeing the 2 most recent ones. was something surprising about what i said?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - uhhh yah...., lol, i love how nonchalant ur acting
@PureLilly@xanga - if you have any doubt about this, i'd be happy to take print screens for you (as much as i would hate to reactivate my profile). just to be clear, when i say 4-5, i mean 4-5 each, not total. usually i'll ask for a name by my 3rd message and dessert or coffee on the 4th.
don't get me wrong, there are plenty of girls who stop responding after i ask--but if she's not ready to meet by then, she's either too paranoid, or too antisocial, neither of which are acceptable qualities to me.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - take it easy, im not judging. just found it a tad "eyebrow raising." and also, for a female i think its natural for us to be wary of meeting someone too soon. i dont think theyre being anti social or paranoid, for me it would be comfort. i would rather get to know more about someone before meeting them, ideally through more than 4-5 messages but whatevs, to each his own.
@PureLilly@xanga - These girls are probably like me. Honestly, if you are just meeting the person at a restaurant or something, it's no big deal. I met a guy on a whim after a hour of chatting, just hoped on the subway and met him at a restaurant. Then again, I've also replied to a craigslist post to go to Hershey Park and a Blink 182 concert (~2 hours away) with some guy. Turned out well, he actually works in the same field I will be and gave me a lot of awesome advice.
I guess I live on the edge.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Ok.. after reading your response to purelilly... I think I might be a little more antisocial or paranoid. I mean.. I'm looking for a serious dude on one of these sites. I'm not looking for games, just someone to meet who shares the same wants in a partner as me. I like it when a guy takes a long time to answer back or ask me out for coffee.. it shows he is responsible or busy with his job. I take a lot longer to warm up to messaging someone.
The thing is I don't like meeting someone I really like on a dating site, because I don't want to get my hopes up too high. After all, my POI is currently spending hours on the site as we speak.. :S
As a self-proclaimed online dating veteran, I have to say that if it weren't for online dating, I would hardly have any relationships and even if I did, I wouldn't have been able to learn all I do about love. Boston's not that warm of a town to me, and I had hard times even making friends, let alone creating relationships. Almost every relationship I have been in were with interesting girls that helped me shape the type of girls that I like. That includes the author.
The one point I may have to make about the crazy thing is that (and I try hard to keep this from happening with any online dating situation) when people don't online date, it's because it's very easy to be someone you aren't on the internet. Not just personality wise, but also in physical form. At least, when you date for real, you know some of what you are really getting. Right?
Aside from that, if it weren't for online dating, I wouldn't have met so many awesome people in my lifetime. So, I'll keep at it till I find someone locally who fits.
Pros to Online Dating:
1. Less time wasted on relationships because you get to pick and choose the types of dates you want.
2. Convenient when you are super busy.
3. Don't want to date around your area but other areas as well.
4. Confidence booster when all these dates like you! :p
Cons:
1.Weirdos, pedos, rapist.
2. Can get boring if you are not ACTUALLY meeting.
3.You have to spend money to get hold of the "good" dates or contact them.
4. It can bring your confidence down if no one sends you a message or a like.
5. It can make you more desperate (not all the time. Some people like to rush).
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very good post :) i guess you could say i met my beau of almost 3 years online...except we had known each other 9 years ago and happened to re-connect through facebook. i think personal interaction should be the front-runner, but people should also get with the times. technology is here and everyone is using it! :)
@crashthedr3am@xanga - but this is what i'm saying. how do you know if they're serious unless you meet in real life? you miss all the cues of actual communication with people. i think if you become a little more openminded, you might find better results :) plus, you won't "get your hopes up" by building up these expectations about someone you don't know!
@PureLilly@xanga - it obviously has nothing to do with being a female or not, since i only date females, right? :) i think it has a lot more to do with age. i've learned to not message girls under the age of 23ish because they tend to have your mentality. it's not entirely anyone's fault, as we were raised to believe that everyone on the internet is a myspace pedophile. in reality, nothing is going to happen to you by meeting someone in a public place. i don't think i've ever heard a story (i.e. in the news) about something bad happening to someone by meeting through online dating.
of course, if you decide to meet some guy in the back of his ice cream truck, then, well...that's your own fault.
I think it's great for people, just personally I don't think I could ever starting a relationship through 'online dating'. Though I have a hard time trying to start anything in real life too. I just don't like the idea of me personally doing it, I'm old though heh.