Tuesday, 31 January 2012

• Attraction & Advice

  

  Today, I would like to talk about attraction.

  When I was in high school, I refused to wear dresses, put on makeup, etc. I dressed according to how I wanted – my style wasn’t GREAT, but I had a look – usually mismatched colors or comic book t-shirts and messy jeans, or baggy pants. I wore braces, and didn’t do much with my hair: didn’t wash it that day? Throw it up in a pony tail! Had intermittent acne that had way too much effect on my self esteem.

  In general, I remained silent, achieving ultimate invisibility in most classes, which was usually what I was going for. The one problem was that all of this also made me VERY invisible to boys. To be clear, boys weren’t exactly a priority for me in HS. I was still figuring myself out, making new friends, suffering trite humiliations and trying to get past my painful self-awareness. I was working towards my future careers, trying to keep up my grades.

  But, I would be lying if I said I was not lonely in high school. Like boy-lonely. I am sure I tried to avoid any indication that I very much was. I had almost no guy friends (that went to my school) and even with the ones I was friends with outside of school, I felt trapped in a platonic zone.

  In college, I lost the braces, started wearing bras with underwire, and decent clothes (with help from a gay bff), and caring about how my face appeared in the morning. I got a lot more confident, although I also felt much more at home in art college, having classes with a bunch of similar "nerds." I got a decent boyfriend within a year, as well as the attention of a number of new boys. And since then, I’ve grown even wiser, gained more experiences, and am in a long-term relationship with my best friend (who is also really hot; not that I’m biased.)
  
  I’m writing this now because I read a lot of people on here complaining that they are single and they don’t know why. This is mostly for people who have never had a partner and who are late bloomers (as I was one). I know a lot of people in real life too who feel the same way. They are basically great people, confident in most areas of life, except when it comes to romance and dating. A lot of them post about how they feel that they shouldn’t have to “change” who they are in order to get someone. Well, here are some things to think about.
  
  What do you think is appealing about you? If you think you are totally terrible: the first step is working on that self-esteem. Chances are, you’ve made friends in your life. Chances are, they’ve seen something appealing in your character. Everybody is interesting, you’ve just got to discover your own spark. Smile more, think about your self-appeal, and look for more things that you are good at. If you think you are totally awesome at everything: well, you’re not. But we’ll talk about that later.

  What are you looking for in someone else? This is important, because if you don’t have standards, you’ll just try to get with anyone, or let anyone get with you; you’ll either come off as desperate, or end up letting yourself get hurt. ALSO – and this is key; you have to make sure that you reach similar standards yourself. You want a guy who dresses nice, and keeps up his appearance? Or even just a guy who has good hygiene? Then you’ve got to keep up the grooming and fashion yourself.

  It never hurts to look and smell nice, and it makes a huge difference in your confidence for the day. Just a thought: humans have some of the best vision in the animal kingdom, in terms of incorporating color, etc. To deny that appearances matter is patently false. We’re biologically designed to judge mate-ability right away. (This applies to anything - want a guy with goals? Motivation? A job? Make sure you have those things yourself.)
  
  You don’t have to change who you ARE – but what is it that truly defines you? Your crappy clothes? Denying to wear makeup? Your eating habits? I’m sure that’s how I thought in high school; but probably not. Think of the fundamental things that define you. Your views on the world, your sense of humor, your honest version of you. Those things, you should never change. (Well, unless your views on the world are extremely racist or extremist, etc. Yikes.)

  Otherwise, if staying the same old dumpy you has not garnered the desired positive affection over the course of many years, there is no reason to think you’re unalterably perfect and appealing “just the way you are.” We should all be on a constant personal quest for self improvement, anyway!

  What are your flaws? I’m talking about character flaws. Not things like “I’m fat.” (Although this counts as a character flaw if you are aware and capable of changing it, but are not motivated. Also, as we all know, it’s not healthy to be grossly overweight, and “love thyself” always comes first.) Don’t over-exaggerate or dwell on all the horrible things that are wrong with you. Think about it as objectively as you can. And yes, you do have flaws.

  If you are reading this and you think you don’t have flaws: THAT IS A MAJOR FLAW! But seriously, your flaws are not the end of the world. If you can get a handle on working towards fixing and bettering them, all the best. It’s better to just be aware of them, master of them, and nobody can catch you by surprise.

  What are your views on sex? On marriage? Know yourself on these topics, and be comfortable with your views. If you feel uncomfortable thinking about sex –you really gotta work on that. Sex is important in a romantic relationship – it isn’t “EVERYTHING” obviously, but without sex, or that sexual tension, or the DESIRE for sex – well you’re basically just friends who hold hands. It’s fine if you want to wait until marriage, but don’t just say that because you’re uncomfortable thinking about sex. Seriously. (Also, having been to a hooker is NOT endearing. If you’ve gone there, I really wouldn’t bring it up. Ever.)

  If you want to get married in the future, let that be known. Not by saying, “So what are your favorite baby names? We would have such cute offspring!” on the second date, or anything crazy. Just state it towards the beginning of a relationship that it is a goal of yours. If they get freaked out, lucky you. You saved yourself a bunch of pointless years waiting for a ring that will never show. If they say they don’t think they’ll get married, believe them. If they say they aren’t looking for anything serious, but “we’ll see what happens,” they are not serious. If they stop calling, they stopped calling for a reason. Don’t try and track down that reason, you probably don’t really want to know what it is, and the result remains the same. Go with the flow.

  The biggest thing is to always talk to new people. Always be in development of your interpersonal relationships. Make as many friends as possible and stay positive. Being friends with both sexes has its perks, even if your ulterior motive is in pursuit of a romantic encounter: the same sex can serve as a wingman/wingwoman, or introduce you to their network of people who may include someone single! Being platonic friends with members of the sex that you're attracted to, can help get you inside tips, and advice, and/or “translations” for confusing mixed signals. All good things to learn and acquire.

  As for rejection: it will happen, probably more than once. But you gotta keep swinging, keep on trekking. Keep on bettering yourself and realize how awesome you are. You have to take the bad with the good. Sometimes, you’ll get rejected with constructive criticism, which you can use to your advantage and become even more awesome for someone who will appreciate it. Its all in keeping a healthy, positive view of things.

  Don’t let the evil self-esteem monster whisper horrible things in your ear. Things like, “What makes you think you’re worthy of love? His current girlfriend is WAY better than you. Sure that one LIKED you, but nobody will LOVE you! What makes you think YOU are ‘sexy?’ HA! You’re ridiculous and awkward!” (these are things that have whispered their way into my head at various dark points of my own life). But they are not true! Well, I am ridiculous and awkward, but I’m okay with that now.

  Also: if you are so in love with a friend who doesn’t know about it, that you start to feel pain in your chest when you talk to them, you have to tell them. You basically HAVE to risk the whole friendship, because your stupid heart already went and fucked it up. I mean unless you really don’t mind being in pain every day… weirdo. You might have to be careful and subtle about it, and you might have to lose a friend at least for a while, or else you'll be the annoying, "But why doesn't he like me?" friend in your circle. However, the rewards can be really awesome. (Three and a half years, betches!)

  Those are a lot of lessons I’ve learned.

  Would you add anything?

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