Saturday, 28 January 2012
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Boyfriend Might Be Too Close to His Best Girl Friend
I have been seeing this guy for a few months now, and he is great. But there is one problem: His best friend is a girl. Now this isn't really a problem, but every time we all hang out they stare at each other. For example, we were all at a club one night, and my boyfriend was standing on the side watching. His best friend, let's call her T, was about 15 feet away from me dancing with another guy, but facing my guy. My boyfriend could not stop looking at her all night, and vice versa with her.
Now, they never actually stopped and looked longingly in each other's eyes, but every time I looked at my boyfriend I hoped he was looking at me watching me dance and not her. It has been like this our whole relationship. I was ignoring all of it thinking I was just seeing things, but my best friend noticed it that night at the club, her husband notices every time we all hang out, some more friends at the club that night noticed it, and some people have even thought my boyfriend and T were dating because of the way they act.
They both have had problems in their past relationships because of how close their friendship is and how they act. They talk and text each other every day, almost all day long. I am not jealous or insecure of T, in fact we have actually grown a friendship, and hang out just the two of us about once a week and group hangouts several times a week, and always making plans to do something together.
We are all in our mid-twenties and I feel like we are to old for games.
I know my boyfriend cares for me and loves me, but how do I bring this up to him without being threatening, accusing, or coming off as insecure?
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- From: nikkiboopoo21
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Comments (45)
From my perspective it seems like perhaps it's just a case of the intimacy between his friend and him having had more time to build than the intimacy between you two. You said you'd only been together a few months, how long have they known each other? A few years? There is going to be some connection there. What is important is if you trust him and his intentions with you. Do you? Express how those situations make you feel. Jealousy is normal and a natural reaction to feeling threatened when you really like someone. Sit down and explain that to him. Just be careful to not overdo it. If there is nothing really going on between them you may freak him out by coming on too strong, too soon. That being said, you definitely have the right to point out that their interactions have come off as very intense to you.
I feel as though I'm reading my own past. My husband had the SAME relationship with his best friend. It came to the point that I gave him an ultimatum. Either he could be my husband, or her 'fall back guy' because that's what she viewed him as. He chose me eventually, once she started to show her ass and insult me and our children, and we have (accidentally, long story) accepted her back into our lives. If she is anything like my husband's former best friend, you're going to have a hard time with her. She eventually admited that she was in fact in love with my husband and wanted to be with him all that time, but she didn't want to ruin thier friendship.
My advice, always listen to your gut. A woman's intuition is the best tool a woman has. Good luck to you.
edit: My husband and I had been together for 3 years before this took place and we had long long discussions about 'her'. I hope that your situation isn't as similar to mine as it sounds.
No offense, but this really sounds like you're making an issue out of nothing.
maybe i'm just being biased bc one of my really good guy friend's fiance decided that she didn't want me to attend their wedding and i just feel that if you're feeling those feelings, you're definitely insecure about yourself and you don't trust him. my friend who i did try to date are nothing but friends and we both know that it wouldn't work out so we have remained friends. i would never cross that line with him nor will he bc i know that he loves her and he would never do anything to jeopardize their relationship. sometimes you just have to learn how to trust him if you love him. if he didn't love you, he'd cheat on you with his best girl friend.
Dont bring it up because you ARE being threatening paranoid and insecure. Easy, yeah?
When I first started dating my boyfriend, he had a best friend who was also a girl. She lived in another state, but made sure to make her presence in his life known. She was in love with him, apparently they had a "thing" for awhile while they were in high school. She even tried her best to break us up (even though she had a boyfriend herself) and even went as far at to fly out to see him 2 years in a row. I didn't like it, but nothing happened between them. Eventually, she gave him an ultimatum, he had to choose between us and he chose me. They haven't talked much in the last few years because I guess she expected him to drop me or something so when he didn't, she pitched a fit. She just wanted him to hang on her every word and when she realized he wasn't going to do that, she stopped talking to him.
Either way, it could be completely innocent and you could be worrying over nothing OR she could be interested in him. You just have to be confident in your relationship.
From your retelling, it does seem that they are closer to each other than you are to him...
It may change once you develop more intimacy together. Have sex, open up to each other, reveal yourself to him, encourage him to do the same and spend quality friendly time together.
I don't think you are being insecure at all. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and one of his best friends is also a girl. I'm not jealous of her or think anything of their friendship, she is beautiful and she has a boyfriend, but they do talk alot, mainly about our problems or her relationship problems. It's always good for a guy to have another girl around to ask for advice especially with relationship problems. But what's weird about your situation is the whole staring at each other thing. I mean, you have only been dating a couple months, but don't you think that if he wanted to be with her, they would be together? Because that's how i viewed my boyfriends friendship. I definitely wouldn't confront him about it because then he will think you are being insecure and nothing good will come out of that. But why don't you nonchalantly bring it up to her, just ask her about their friendship in general on how they met and why their friends and you should be able to tell if there happens to be anything between them by how she describes their relationship not only with her words, but her tone of voice and facial expressions. I'm sure its nothing to be worried about, but you have to be in this same situation to be able to understand it. You're not paranoid.
If both of them are intimately starring at each other and everyone else notices it, but them, there is an issue. I disagree with the other posters. You aren't insecure by any means. It will raise any eyebrows if your significant other is texting their "best friend' every day or even all day long and intimately starring at each other, but no way notices you. It seems like there is no boundaries between their friendship and if you are uncomfortable with it, bring it up to him. Use the "I feel" statements in a calm and non-accusatory tone. For example: "I feel very uncomfortable the other night while you and T were starring at each other all night long. I understand your friendship and that you two are very close, but I feel that there should be appropriate boundaries between your friendship. I am not comfortable with you two texting each other every day or even all day long. I don't mind if you two hang out or talk to each other, but please tone it down. I find it to be very disrespectful to me and I hope you would understand where I'm coming from." Somewhere along those lines. If he refuses to listen to you or accuse you of being jealous, you might want to reevaluate this relationship. I know I wouldn't put up with someone who constantly talk and/or text their "best friend" every day or intimately stares at her at the dance floor. I'm not insecure. I don't have any trust issues. I just want respect and I hope he would see it the same way. If not, I am happy to walk away and find another man who will set appropriate boundaries with their "best friend" and who will consider my feelings in the process.
Lol. These comments are funny. Well considering that you are posting I am going to consider your feelings. You don't seem to be a person who would be okay with a relationship where you aren't honest and he isn't honest to you.
People saying that you aren't right in some way, they aren't in your shoes. You are not going to get rid of your feelings or thoughts, they are yours and yours alone. They will stay with you, especially when you don't work it out. This is obviously stressing you out to an extent and you need to be able to cope with it or else one day you're just going to explode or resent someone, either yourself, your bf or his best friend.
I think you have 2 options really.
1. you wait until you develop a longer and deeper relationship with him as well as her, and bring it up later on, to the both of them, one on one (that is, if you still have those feelings). Right now, your bf being understanding about this kind of thing is iffy, because he will think that you are paranoid. It's not like you are making him worried about his relationship with you (at least not intentionally). And this is only if you can shake off those feelings for a while. Basically, wait and see.
2. You discuss with him, just ask him to talk to you about it so you can tell him your feelings. Assure him that you don't want to break up his friendship with the girl, you just want things clarified. Be honest with him and hopefully he will be honest with you.
This is how you are and this is how you feel, it doesn't mean you're being a bad gf. You're human and he is too. Everyone has a history and if he sees you as more than just a person to keep him from being lonely, he should be able to be honest with you as well as understanding.
ON a personal note. I would find your situation to be disturbing if it happened to me. I have a male best friend and we aren't like that. Whenever my bf doesn't like how I am with other guys, I try my best to comfort him and make it known that I wouldn't ever go for the other guy. And he has shown me that he wouldn't go for any other girl. In fact we are moving in together in 2 months. I get upset over small things and we talk it out. I am extremely honest with him and I try my best to get him to be honest with me. I tell him I only jump to conclusions so that he will tell me otherwise. And he is slowly understanding this over time...
Communication, honesty, understanding, these three are easy said, but holy shit are they hard to get through. But I"d rather know who I'm getting serious with and that this person loves me and is able to compromise with me as I do for him, instead of finding out 5 years later that we aren't good for each other because I was too scared of the consequences that comes with truth.
Guys can be insecure and paranoid, they just aren't as vocal about it.
HOpefully, this rant helps you. If not, sorry !
I think that you are feelings insecure. You are looking way too much into this, and you're starting to see things that aren't really there because you are looking for every little detail to prove your right.
If you think this guy is amazing, if you think he cares about you and loves you, if you think that you have a future with him, then I would say... grow some confident feelings about yourself, and realize that you're different from this other girl. You have qualities that have attracted him to you. You are the one he wants right now... and as much as your mind wants to wander, you have to understand that you deserve to be in the relationship.
You're jealous by the fact that he has a girl friend that is closer to him than you are. She will always probably have a different connection to your boyfriend then you do, but that does not mean that he has unfair intentions in sight. You will have a different relationship with him, and that is fine. Don't let this ruin the relationship.
@jeezshoua@xanga - What about if your boyfriend is texting a guy all day long? His best friend, then what do you think? It's okay because it's just guy jibber jabber, right?.
There is absolutely no need to think that there is something else going on. Guys and girls can be best friends, they can have a deeper connection then ever, without having an intimate sexual relationship. What it comes down to is the fact that people have come to distrust the fact that girls and guys can be friends.
This girl hasn't given a lot of information, and she's given into jealousy in my opinion.
I'm not going to lie. I'm 'T' in your story. However, my best friend is dating my cousin (thanks to me). I personally don't think anything is going on with them. With my best friend we've just been through a lot together. He's been with me through my break ups and visa versa. We have another friend who is in the army and we're both really worried about him. I feel as though you may not have all the facts about their relationship. They could just have this past that connects them in ways only they would understand. With my friend and I, he tells me I'm really the only girl that could ever be his friend because I am the only one who truly understands him. In your case your boyfriend might just be that guy she can go to for anything and if you really trust your boyfriend and friends with his friend, then I don't think you have anything to be worried about. Your boyfriend might just be that amazing guy that all girls wish was their friend.
I think you're fine. Guy and girl friendships are extremely rare, which makes the SO that much warier about their friendship. Trust your man and everything will be fine. I personally think that if you were to start questioning him on his loyalty, he'll get upset. Just let things go. I'm sure your relationship will be better if he has a girl as a friend. In my situation my guy friend would have never made it this far with my cousin if it wasn't for me, and I've never seen him more in love.
That's freaking weird. There's definitely something not right about any of that.
If he likes you, he likes you. If he likes her, he likes her. No amount of "talks" or any of that bull shit are going to change that.
You're being insecure. I'm only friends with guys. My best guy friend and I dated 7 years ago, when we were FOURTEEN. He and I both have anxiety and depression, and the time that I'm completely down and bawling my eyes out, he's one of the only ones who just like...gets it.We go through periods of texting constantly and then not for like 2 weeks. But I love the boy to death.And I swear on my newborn niece's life that we are just friends, and that's what I see him as.
But then he can't get a girl because stupid insecure cunts want to date him but think that there's something between us.
We're both single. We're both not hooking up. I'm pretty sure if we wanted each other we would, you know, maybe, IDK...go for each other?
That would require too much common sense though, I would assume.
you know, when i normally read posts with a title like this one, my immediate reaction is "you're insecure, get a fucking life." but actually, this post seems different to me. i don't think your boyfriend and his girl friend have anything going on between them, but i do think something is odd that he's just standing on the side of the club instead of dancing with you (or anyone else, for that matter). and i do think it's odd taht he was staring at her the whole time.
based on your story, i don't gather that he's into his friend, but i question if he's into you. you should probably look into it.
i disagree with most of the replies here, because you only STARE at someone when you find them good-looking/attractive. if you have no interest in someone, why would you stare at them? i know this because i used to stare at one of my guy friends all the time while my boyfriend kept trying to get my attention.. i didn't admit it then, but after that whole phase was over, i definitely admitted that i liked him.
and of course, the guys that are telling you that you're just being insecure are the ones staring at other girls while having a girlfriend..
also, you're only insecure because you have a reason to feel that way. im pretty sure if your boyfriend wasn't acting that way, then all your insecurities will go away
Usually, it would just be insecurity. But if you are noticing, and everyone else is noticing, the starring...erk. Especially when you are there, the girl he is supposed to be really into. There are a lot of things that might seem "more intimate" when it comes to two friends that know each other for awhile. But it sounds like maybe he secretly has feelings for her, but had to "move on".
I don't know, I'm usually pretty apathetic about a boyfriend of mine having female friends, or a female best friend. But if I notice him being more affectionate to her when I there, I'd just say "fuck that". Not because I'm insecure, but because I don't have the energy to fight for affection over another woman. Same reason I'm weary of guys who are overly close to their little sisters. Clearly they are siblings, so nothing is happening, but if I'm there, I don't want to sit by myself while he cuddles with his sister on the couch.
Basically: I would just be done with that whether anything was going on or not.
Firstly, there's nothing wrong with feeling jealous or insecure (even if you think 'What would I have to be jealous of?' when you look at her).
I understand you like this guy but can you really spend the rest of your relationship, possibly life, being "cool about it" and not being the most important girl in his world? :P There's a chance their relationship and yours will change but don't just count on it. Maybe you should tell him about your feelings and suggest you guys just hang out only as friends for a while (since I understand you get on well with both so wouldn't want any hard feelings).
heh...both the girls in the photo are really ugly.
Maybe they're doing that like "HELL YEAH GET ITTTT" kinda eying thing. Me and my friends (granted, they're all girls) did that all the time when we'd go out dancing. Or the cringe eying thing when some ugly tool would end up dancing with one of us. It's a support thing. Maybe he's just looking for reassurance. You said it wasn't a "loving gaze", so maybe they're just doing that "wing man/girl" support thing.
If they've never had a "past" (like, dating, sexual, whatever) together and really are sincerely just good friends then you should just trust him and don't worry about it.
@drunkdevotchkababy@xanga - Well, if my boyfriend's best friend was a "male" then we wouldn't have this issue. Besides that fact, I don't think they would text each other all day long either. So, that's out of the question.
Sure, guys and girls can be friends. I have some best friends that are male as well, but I do not text or talk to them every day or sometimes ALL day long. I don't stare at them and ignore my significant other on the dance floor either. The difference between my best male friends and the OP's boyfriend's best friend is that we actually have respect for our significant others and have boundaries in our friendship that we don't cross.
I don't think she's jealous. Obviously, there are red flags and she has every reason to wonder what the hell is going on.
I am a very possessive person when it comes to the people I am going out with, so I would not like this. It may be harmless but people should not be thinking they are dating if it is you and him who are actually dating. I don't understand why he would look at her more than you. It could be that he is used to looking at her all the time because they are best friends, and he is nervous of getting caught staring at you.
I would just say the thing about others thinking that he is dating "T" and not you, saying it's kind of odd.
Wow I really don't think that's okay at all and I would be so humiliated if other people in my life started noticing it, too /: If I were you I would ask if there is something going on and tell him how uncomfortable I was with the staring etc. If things didn't improve I would leave but everybody's different and if you can deal with it then that's up to you. It's good you and the girl are friends and if you truly aren't jealous (I find that hard to believe personally) then just kind of bring it up in a casual way and see how he reacts.