Saturday, 28 January 2012
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Insecurity Issues
A while ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. I am now 19 and we met when we were 14. Though he wasn’t my first everything, he was the first boy I fell in love with. It started off good, just like any other relationship would, but then it went downhill. I was too in love and kept forgiving him. This is where I went wrong. It was bad. He did horrible things and I waited for him to come back to me.
One thing I will tell you is that we started off as best friends. So before anyone starts to tell me how stupid my decision was, please consider the fact that before we were anything, we were really close. I loved our friendship, it was precious.
Well to get to the point, I never really got over him. We tried being friends several times but I just had to cut it off. Forever this time. He kind of broke my self-esteem in pieces though. I would constantly feel unappreciated. I felt maybe he thought I was ugly and that’s why he would always wander off with other girls. I felt that I was hideous to be honest with you. Why you may ask? When I was younger I dealt with depression because of insecurity problems. I had encountered traumatizing events that made me feel like a piece of nothing.
Those kids in elementary and middle school can be cruel and it kind of poked the bruises (that's what they say, right?). It had gotten better though. I was kind of “fixed.” I mean, I grew up a lot and of course I had my days. With him, I felt it all over again. He put me through so much, I hate myself for not ending it earlier. I realize that relationship was mentally abusing.
Anyway, that was my story. I always feel ugly now though. I feel if I don’t straighten my hair, wear pretty clothes and a little bit of makeup, people won’t like me. I get complimented a lot though and random people tell me I'm beautiful, but you can hear you’re beautiful a million times but if one person calls you ugly, you remember that forever. If I try to look nice, I feel wonderful, but if I feel I look ugly, it ruins my whole day.
I also need to be more social with guys. I look unapproachable and “rude.” You see, I can’t really help it, I feel no one likes me anymore. I compare myself to girls around me. I feel the need to look nice 24/7. Why do I feel like this, though? If you saw me you would think I had it all together and that I'm a well-rounded person but there's a big mess in my head.
How do I become more comfortable with myself?
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Comments (26)
That power has to come from within you, not externally. I have a friend who has had similar issues in her dating life and so she tries to seek validation from men. It is very hard to watch. I would suggest that you stay single for a while and learn to love yourself from the inside out. This doesn't mean avoid men - talk to men! Talk to a lot of men! Put yourself out there and be as social as you can. It takes practice. I am only just starting to get there myself. Then you realize that good day or bad day, feeling fat or feeling thin, if you feel good about yourself and you truly own that... people will look at you just the same as they always do. As though you are truly beautiful. So figure out who you are and get to that place where you feel comfortable in knowing that people will like you for you and that the other stuff doesn't matter. As existential as that sounds, I suppose. Good luck.
you have to love you first before you love someone else. you have to believe that you are beautiful, smart and worth love. it's gonna take some time for sure but when you find yourself at that level then they will also. no one wants to be with an insecure person, it's a hassle having to tell that person how great they are every single time.
"If you saw me you would think I had it all together and that I'm a well-rounded person but there's a big mess in my head."
I feel that you are aware that your insecurities are irrational, and perhaps your clarity points to transience in them, which means there's hope in your self-image.
Before you can repair your own self-image, you have to treat yourself right. Personal self-doubts are normal to an extent, but it is much more toxic to you when you let yourself be used, discarded, then re-used like a recyclable, like an object. What do I do when I feel bad about myself? I act like someone who loves herself, even when she doesn't. I think that's what you should do too.
"I felt maybe he thought I was ugly and that’s why he would always wander off with other girls."
Some people ARE ugly, and who cares if you are? (I don't know what you look like so I am in no position to attest to it either way).
Are ugly people inherently inferior? NO.
Are there many ugly people who love themselves? YES
Whether or not you feel good about yourself that day, that week, that year, or whatever, you need to understand your basic rights as a girlfriend, and as a human being.
You do NOT deserve to be cheated on, regardless of whether or not you hit the genetic lottery. Whether or not you may feel you're ugly, you should ALWAYS stand up for yourself.
It is important that you realize you are unique in every way. This isn't an issue of whether or not you are "pretty" or "ugly". You are one of a kind, and if he didn't make you feel like you are the most beautiful and loved person in the world and if you aren't absolutely certain he sees you as deserving of his every effort to prove it and he continued to wander off with other girls it is his flaw for not being able to differentiate between what makes you the irreplaceable and lovable person you deserve to be treated as. It shouldn't take anyone that long to decide whether or not they will appreciate you.
I've put a lot of thought into this subject lately and written countless pages on it. People just don't seem to see others the way they see themselves. People tend to see themselves as "whole" and others as "parts" of a separate whole. We are our own world within ourselves, and we see others as simply an external entity, part of the "external world", not realizing they see themselves the same way we see ourselves. This is obvious when we see others treating each other like inanimate objects, and judging them based on superficial and utterly ridiculous and unimportant observations.
I'm not saying "don't care what other people think of you". It's important to appreciate when someone expresses the truth. If someone says you're ugly, realize that they obviously aren't compassionate, that they're only saying it to discourage you, and the fact that they're willing to point out an imperfection in you yet they aren't willing to take the time to help you improve it shows a far greater flaw in their character than anything they could possibly find wrong with you. But at the same time, if someone gives you a genuine compliment, it's important to appreciate it and take it to heart.
Try to avoid the mentality of "I deserve to be loved" as that only leads to taking the feelings of others for granted, but know that if and when someone takes their time and looks closely enough, there is no question they will find what makes you one-of-a-kind, beautiful, and perfect in every way.
http://youtu.be/0BsLd4Y060Q
I'm worse than an atheist, I'm a nihilist, but even I can tell you without a doubt God makes no mistakes.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - "I act like someone who loves herself, even when she doesn't. I think that's what you should do too."
This is very bad advice. Don't pretend to be something you're not if you aren't already comfortable with all that you are. This leads to depersonalization and if you continue long enough, dissociation. Don't try to change who you are based on what other people have made you believe you should feel, it was other people who made you feel that way in the first place... OTHER PEOPLE caused you to not love yourself, don't ACT like you do.
If you don't realize you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are (ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU EVEN HAD SOMEONE WHO WAS DEDICATED AND LOYAL TO YOU 100% AND TOLD YOU EVERY DAY HOW AMAZING, GORGEOUS, AND PERFECT YOU ARE) you need to talk to someone who is able to explain to you what it is that makes you that way. You have no excuse for not loving yourself. You are perfect.
No one is ugly based on appearance. Even those who would be voted the least physically attractive people in the world find people who actually appreciate the qualities that others find unattractive.
"you need to understand your basic rights as a girlfriend"
You have no inherent rights as a "girlfriend", hell, you need to understand you have no intrinsic rights as a collection of matter. You shouldn't rely on social constructs to feel good about yourself.
If you ever think you are less than perfect, I am more than wiling to prove you wrong. If you ever want to talk, whether you want advice on how to change the way you see yourself so you can stop having to act and having to force yourself to feel differently than you should, or if you just want someone who will listen to you, I would like nothing more than to hear from you.
^ This guy is a fucking psycho. He wants to reincarnate me after I die and make me live an eternity in Hell, because he's angry I rejected him since at some point before I had rejected him, I told him I loved him. If that doesn't scream crazy fucking psycho, I don't know what does.
Throw rocks at him.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - I recall a certain someone saying, and I quote: "I evolved from alien monkeys".
(4:49:27 AM): if i say it blatantly, i am a skeleton
(4:49:52 AM): everything else is metamorphized into food.
(4:52:02 AM): i am a different entity
(4:52:07 AM): i am irrelevant
(4:53:11 AM): the truth is, it wasn't just eve who was made from ur ribs, but everyone else too
(4:53:14 AM): u r the donater
(4:53:58 AM): i wish u beileved me
Gee, I wonder who that was. Did you know that it is in-fact possible to express feelings and not mean them literally...?
"I told him I loved him."
That's all? Wow. I agree, that dude is a fucking psycho if all you did was tell him you loved him. Are you sure there wasn't anything else you told him? I mean, that would be kind of mean if you were forgetting something and accidentally leaving it out. That might make him look bad.
@lorelei@xanga - Definitely agree with this poster.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - And that is so unfair you get to read my Xanga. Not saying to stop or anything, but we both know you are so much better a stalker than I am (don't get me wrong, it's actually very cute). The only difference is I don't attempt to hide it.
"Hey Josh, check this Xanga for me, I don't want them to see my footprint."
And I'm manipulative? You pretty little imp, you.
I've found the way to drum up some confidence is by trying something new; rockclimbing, watercolour painting, trying a new recipe--anything, really. And if you're good with meeting new people, you can also try joining a school club to meet some new people: having new faces reassure you that you're awesome is pretty satisfying, to say the least
Just remember that beauty is subjective. Someone may see one person as absolutely stunning, and someone else may think they're hideous. You just need to cut yourself some slack. And if he thought you were ugly, then he's not worth it anyways. If you really care about someone, they'll always seem beautiful to you.
I would wake up each morning and tell myself you beautiful and wonderfully made in the mirror. Or saying sometime very positive about yourself for at least 6 weeks.
I resolved my insecurity issues by asking numerous people, in all seriousness, "tell me one good thing and one bad thing you have noticed about me." They didn't say what I thought they would...it made me realize we tend to be a lot more forgiving toward others than we think.
My second piece of advice: build up an arsenal of things (and people) that remind you you're a worthwhile person. Ask your friends for help. Then whenever you feel insecure, you can tell yourself a mantra, such as "No, I'm the person who does this and that, and did this last year. I am awesome!" Granted, sometimes you just have s#!tty days. I retreat into a bubble for the day/night/weekend, let my willpower go, and come back with a vengeance when I'm done.
Some suggestions:
- Take up a challenging hobby (e.g. rock climbing, learning an instrument, kayaking, etc)
- Exercise a few hours a day
- Put yourself in strange situations that you're not comfortable or familiar with
- Read more about global news and novels of different genres. Avoid superficial networking, gossip, easy-reads
- Drop people in your life who don't make you feel less than stellar about yourself; make friends with people who not only make you feel comfortable about yourself, but also inspire you to become the best person you can be.
- Write down your thoughts in a journal/blog. Re-read them and for every negative thought about your appearance, write down 3 things you can do to make yourself better.
You'll feel good about yourself after all these ordeals because they not only keep you busy and away from negative detrimental thoughts, but they also allow you to expand your life experience and tap into your resourcefulness. You'll become a more sentient, worldly aware person and less concern with the superficiality of life.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - Dude, I do not know you, but no girl deserves to be talked to like that. Whether she is telling the truth on what happened with you guys or not.
To the one who posted this:I used to struggle a lot with personal confidence but 1. Started praying about it, asking God that He would let me see me as He sees me (I can give you bible verses if you would like...send me a message.) 2. A girl told me once that self-confidence is very attractive, a lot of times more so than purely looks. I believe what is on the outside matters, but what is on the inside matters so much more. 3. Look yourself in the mirror after you shower or brush your teeth or before bed or something and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Say, "_____, you are gorgeous. You are so beautiful." It will make you smile.
@ksivs4477@xanga - There is a difference between being chivalrous and patronizing. Everyone deserves to hear the truth.
Growing up, I was bullied and the guys I liked did frequently point out my imperfections. One even told me that I was nice, but I wasn't as pretty as my friends. I've always been insecure about myself because of that. I've never felt good enough.
However, the trick is to find someone who pulls you back up instead of pushes you down. I found that person this year and I've never been happier. Everything I use to hate about myself are things he seems to like about me. Whenever my self-esteem is low, he's always there for me and makes me feel good about myself again.
You shouldn't have to depend on someone to make you feel good though. Have confidence in yourself, believe in yourself. Look at yourself and note how beautiful you are, even when your hair is a mess, there's dirt on your face and your nose is slightly crooked. The more confident you are in yourself, the more attractive you are to everyone else. Accept yourself for who you are, and trust me, someone else will accept you that way too.
I can relate to you on many levels. I was also picked on during my early years in school. Boys would not mind hitting me either. Girls would use me as a joke on their crushes. I used to compare myself to everyone and im stll insecure. I just learned to work with what I have, and to love yourself. Consider yourself as part of the rainbow of beautiful women on earth. You may not look like a girl you find attractive, but you yourself are attractive.
@ksivs4477@xanga - Thank you so much. :)
I had a similar issue and not too long ago. You see, growing up I wasn't very pretty, and when my face was better I realized people made fun of my body because I was too skinny. I lost weight from the depression that came with the low self-esteem. It was unfortunate, but my first (and current) boyfriend ( I am his first everything), said some things in a way they shouldn't have been said. He didn't even do it with malicious intent. And his opinions have changed, mostly thanks to me and the extreme stress I dealt with. But I felt like shit. Unlike you though, I gave up at some point. I gave up trying to dress up and look pretty because I felt like no matter how pretty my face was my body was disgusting. I would tell myself "I'm not a woman. I'm not a girl because I'm too skinny". I would cry everyday. I couldn't listen to songs about girls with nice figures, to this day it's hard for me to say he/she has a nice "body" and not "figure" because it's just a reminder of what I don't want to remember. I wouldn't watch TV or look at magazines and I kept my eyes down when I was at school. I wore baggy clothes to hide in and I was just a mess. You're right though, you can be told your beautiful a million times in a million different ways, you'll only remember being called ugly or in my case "too skinny". To get out of my nightmare, I chose appetite stimulants. It was also for health reasons. Either way, it boosted my self-confidence and I have my moments like any girl does, but I know that being tall and thin is beautiful, no matter how many Kim Ks you find.
That's my story and I'm sorry it was long, but I think that it's good you're not with that person because he did it with bad intent and he had NO RIGHT to make you feel that way. I think time heals everything, so you have to wait it out. But until then, there's nothing wrong with wearing a little makeup and dressing nice. Just find more mature company. You'll feel as beautiful as you are in no time.
therapy
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - For?
Saving you from hearing the truth? Everyone does that already.
as someone who was in a really similar situation, I can tell you that it takes time, and fake it til you make it. Look yourself in the mirror and call yourself beautiful, even if you don't think you are at that moment. force yourself to find things you love about yourself and do things that make you feel good. If that's dressing up, eating better, working out, doing your nails - little things that will make you feel better about yourself, not necessarily to look good for anyone else (though if you feel good on the inside it usually makes you look better on the outside, too!)
good luck, and I hope you get your confidence back real soon <3
It's honestly crazy how similar my situation is. I met my ex when I was 15 and the same thing happened. I'm about to turn 20 and I have a new, amazing boyfriend; the one I lost my virginity to. I just can't help but think the same thing will happen with him. He's done nothing to lose my trust, but I was beaten down for over 4 years that I just assume all men are like my ex.
The first thing you need to do is realize that you are not alone in feeling this way. To this day I have a hard time accepting myself for who I am and how I look, and I'm 24. When I was growing up, I was a very chubby kid. My family did not know the meaning of "portions". I blame the Latin culture lol. Anyways, my parents and sisters would always poke at my fat and say I needed to lose weight, or no one was ever going to love me.
This COMPLETELY shattered my self-image and self-esteem. I never thought I was good enough for anything, or pretty enough. How could anyone like me? As a friend, as a girlfriend, whatever, I was a piece of shit people could walk on. I was in an abusive relationship in high school because he made me feel as if no one else could ever love me, he was doing me a favor by being with me. It didn't end soon enough, but I did end it.
It's going to be a constant struggle for you to be okay with who you are after everything you've been through. You kind of eluded to some other things happening that affected you as well. . . I don't know what they are, but maybe you should think about talking to someone. They may be able to help you work through your emotional problems, and help you learn to love yourself.
I do not know what you look like, but I am sure you are not ugly. Besides, attractiveness is more than just physical appearance, and you seem like a very beautiful person.
Try to remember that you do NOT deserve to be treated like crap, by ANYONE. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out for the better!!
♥L
-SM