Saturday, 28 January 2012
A while ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. I am now 19 and we met when we were 14. Though he wasn’t my first everything, he was the first boy I fell in love with. It started off good, just like any other relationship would, but then it went downhill. I was too in love and kept forgiving him. This is where I went wrong. It was bad. He did horrible things and I waited for him to come back to me.
One thing I will tell you is that we started off as best friends. So before anyone starts to tell me how stupid my decision was, please consider the fact that before we were anything, we were really close. I loved our friendship, it was precious.
Well to get to the point, I never really got over him. We tried being friends several times but I just had to cut it off. Forever this time. He kind of broke my self-esteem in pieces though. I would constantly feel unappreciated. I felt maybe he thought I was ugly and that’s why he would always wander off with other girls. I felt that I was hideous to be honest with you. Why you may ask? When I was younger I dealt with depression because of insecurity problems. I had encountered traumatizing events that made me feel like a piece of nothing.
Those kids in elementary and middle school can be cruel and it kind of poked the bruises (that's what they say, right?). It had gotten better though. I was kind of “fixed.” I mean, I grew up a lot and of course I had my days. With him, I felt it all over again. He put me through so much, I hate myself for not ending it earlier. I realize that relationship was mentally abusing.
Anyway, that was my story. I always feel ugly now though. I feel if I don’t straighten my hair, wear pretty clothes and a little bit of makeup, people won’t like me. I get complimented a lot though and random people tell me I'm beautiful, but you can hear you’re beautiful a million times but if one person calls you ugly, you remember that forever. If I try to look nice, I feel wonderful, but if I feel I look ugly, it ruins my whole day.
I also need to be more social with guys. I look unapproachable and “rude.” You see, I can’t really help it, I feel no one likes me anymore. I compare myself to girls around me. I feel the need to look nice 24/7. Why do I feel like this, though? If you saw me you would think I had it all together and that I'm a well-rounded person but there's a big mess in my head.
How do I become more comfortable with myself?