I have been thinking about this subject for a long time, but after reading
Entitlement and Standards, I figured I might as well write out what has been going through my head. So, keep in mind, this is an opinion piece.
When we were little, we always viewed a reward as an entitlement to our hard work. Whether it was money for getting A's on our report cards or having ice cream if we stay quiet throughout the day. It was the little things we looked forward to (though now, it seemed more so as a bribe rather than a reward).
This sense of entitlement carries over into our relationships as we get older. A lot of people expect plenty of great qualities from their partners, as well as "following certain rules" either suggested or coerced onto them. I've seen people make it a point that they should receive gifts every month as an anniversary present, or they have to be taken out to the fanciest of restaurants or required to have sex as much as possible in a week. I mean, sure, these are all great things to receive, but are we necessarily entitled to them in every relationship?
The way I look at it, no.
I don't believe that material items are an entitlement when you are in a relationship. Is it because I hate women? Of course not. Is it because love is not measured in superficial material things? Yes. Is it because I'm cheap? Maybe.
So then, what are people entitled to in a relationship?
Time and Effort: Like friendships and family, a relationship requires time to build. With no presence, the relationship would pretty much sit in the same spot where it started: one person wondering where the hell their partner is. If you do not put in the time and effort, your relationship will fall apart really quickly.
Trust and Honesty: Remain truthful to who you are involved with. Keep communication open and understand what makes them happy, angry, sad, etc. It doesn't mean that you have to call them everyday, but on a consistent basis, be sure to comprehend where both of you are during the span of the relationship. Depending on how reserved or open your partner is, privacy is a major factor in relationships.
Discuss with your partner if you are not particular to giving out your password to them. Just because someone doesn't want to give out their password does not mean they are hiding anything. If you can't trust your partner without them leaving your sight, it's time to reevaluate if you are ready for a relationship. If the level of trust is close to none, this can put a real strain not just on the relationship, but yourself as well; you do not need all the unnecessary stress.
Respect: Both points above can fall into this category, but this will also expand to certain areas. Your partner can sometimes make the most unflattering of decisions (odd/inappropriate fashion style, too much make-up, etc). If it concerns you, do not be afraid to voice your opinion, but do so in a respectful manner.
Example of how not to do it: A friend of mine wore a shirt to the beach. Her boyfriend said he didn't like it and told her to take it off. She said she likes the shirt and wants to continue wearing it. He called her stupid.
Respect also spans to not abusing your partner, regardless if it's physical, emotional or mental. No matter how mad you are, you should never hit your partner. Go to another room and blow off your steam there. When you two are collected and calm, come back together to resolve the issue in a civil manner.
After these, there are preferences to each individual person. Communicate with each other what you guys like, do not like and figure out a solution if needed. These 3 points fit more into a universal ideal of what should be in a relationship (to me, anyways).
I'm not saying that you shouldn't buy your partner gifts or treat them out to dinner; you should. Just be sure that you do not force them to buy you things constantly. Remember, a relationship is a two-way street. If you want your partner to give you these items I listed, make sure you are doing the same for them.
What do you think about this list? Are there other things you add to your own list?
True
Comments (32)
Oh, Hell yes. This is going to be a fun topic.
I would agree with everything on that list, but I think even what you listed requires communication. How much time are you entitled to? What do you expect your partner to give? How honest is too honest, is there such a thing? I would say that what you are entitled to is to be treated like a decent human being, and everything else is constructed within the confines of the relationship. Even the fact that it is a monogamous do-not-cheat-on-me relationship should be defined. We create our worlds, nothing should be assumed.
You do not have the right to remain silent and everything you say will be held against you.
The only thing you are entitled to GET in a relationship is that which you GIVE.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
Great write up! I fully concur! There's nothing wrong with girls that expect materialistic objects. We all know where they stand and what they value and are attracted to. And there's a man out there that's happy to provide just that for them.
You and I seek out gals that are not like that. Gals that don't put money ahead of the intangibles. Unfortunately, those are few and far in between. Some would call us cheap. I call it being fiscally smart. The smarter gals realize that we'd make far better heads of households than the guys that blow their money on frivolous, overpriced items.
It's a great way to weed them out
Loyalty is on my list.
"Trust and Honesty: Remain truthful to who you are involved with."
Lol... no. Remain loyal to them, remain faithful to them. But:
"Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate."
"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting."
"Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance."
- Sun Tzu
Love is but another form of war. If you don't do it just right, it can result in losing everything you know and love all the same. Always be on the lookout for things you can improve.
That is what you are entitled to in a relationship, your partner's genuine desire to improve your life by always looking for ways to make you happier, and their desire to improve their own life simply by having you in it.
This post blew me away. Almost every thought was so out of synch with everything that I've ever experienced or believed that I have to think that there is some serious cultural divide or generational difference that I never knew existed.
#1. As a child, I never got nor expected rewards or anything I did, including going to school and getting straight A's. It was in my bones. I was brought up and innately believed I should reach my full potential. Period. I did it with little effort.
#2. As a girlfriend, wife and mother, I never EVERthought about putting time and effort into my relationships. The ones that work, when you actually love the other person are effortless. Your lives meld; you are separate and have separate lives and treasure the time you are together.
#3. Calling every day? Passwords? WTF? This is so incredibly outside of my realm of thought.....calling and talking and being together is just natural, being honest and trusting just "comes," and why would you want passwords? We all have our private lives for god's sakes. My passwords are for my bank accounts, my credit cards, my Xanga. This is a place of privacy like a diary. Boundaries, my dear children.
#4 Respect - I was completely caught off guard when you talked about clothing decisions. Jesus. How about intellectual respect? Respect for differences of opinion. Let's talk about something that matters!
#5 physical/mental/emotional abuse - we are now on a different planet here. These three items are not something to "talk about." One strike and you're out of my life on any one of these points.
Its cool to read the masculine perspective on relationship...a focus on actions and respect.
Here's a feminine perspective@nyfemme@xanga - ...seems to me, relational and love!
Both are awesome, and seems to me there's totally a 'cultural divide' ... just a masculine / feminine divide. And the difference can either be totally fulfilling (if one recognizes the other's differences as the missing piece to our own joy) or totally jarring (if one sees the other's differences as a roadblock to our own joy).
Cool!.
brilliant piece. these don't just apply to romantic relationships either though. friendships and other types of relationships also require these things.
For me at least, as long as it's fun, I enjoy it.. You can disrespect me, lie, and cheat all you want. I usually don't do those things but why shouldn't I let my partner? Just make me laugh, horny, and enlighten me! That's all I really want!
Eh, I don't think anyone's entitled to anything.
i'm writing this comment shitfaced and with having only read half the post, but...
no, i don't believe anyone deserves anything. the most you ever deserve is that which you give. i don't believe in double standards. do i prefer girls with phd's, who are older than me? yeah. will i ever demand that? no, because i'm not older than i am, and i don't have a phd (for example). i have a very good friend who says she won't date guys who aren't finished with grad school. she complained to me one night about a guy with whom she went on a date that night who said he might go back to grad school. i said to her, "but...you want to go back to grad school." and her response was, "there's a double standard, you know that."
i hold no double standards. i will never hold a girl to a standard that i haven't achieved myself. i don't expect any girl to have the aforementioned phd, or be in impeccable shape, or be exceptionally good-looking. what i do expect is that she has at least an ms (or professional degree), care about her fitness enough to go to the gym 4+ nights a week, be well dressed, and most importantly--be super independent. i don't want any girl (such as my friend) who wants a guy who's going to be her sugar daddy. i've worked hard in life, and expect the exact same from a girl with whom i'm going to do any more than bang.
@milky_vampyre@xanga -
The fuck...
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Lol
Let us examine the situation more thoroughly. Since I am a male (and I'm sure of this, I just checked), I will use a female as an example. We shall assign a variable to this potential being.
X will represent the collection of matter (atoms, molecules, cells, etc.) that make up a hypothetical mate.
In order for me to have sex with this collection of matter (X, if you remember) as well as associate with it frequently through the use of physical contact or through visible gestures or other forms of mechanical, electronic, or visual communication on an ongoing basis as well as physically exist within a close proximity to it for extended periods of time, it must meet certain criteria that I believe qualify it to be worthy of my presence.
X must have at one point felt the need to prove itself to itself, the world, or its relatives, and must not regularly be found within the same physical structure that contains the donor organisms responsible for providing the genetic material responsible for its creation. It must possess a thin pressed and dried sheet of wood fiber upon which it's name is printed as well as the general subject most often discussed in the rooms it existed in for long periods of time.
It's texture shouldn't be too rough, and it's temperature should be somewhere between 95.0 °F and 106.7 °F.
I believe I am entitled to this (among other things), as I have accomplished them myself, having been previously informed of the importance of such qualifications should I happen to desire to physically exist in close proximity to and in certain instances inside of X for any significant and/or satisfactory amount of time.
@milky_vampyre@xanga - *rolls eyes*
http://youtu.be/reLbfOvBQMw
I agree with this.
I still stand by what I said in the blog linked:-I don't believe in 'the one', I believe in effort.
trust is the most important thing.
I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 years. I currently am unemployed and he has a job. He always buys me dinner and if I want something, he'll get it for me but it's not because I ask him for it. I'm constantly telling him not to do these things. When I do get money, I buy dinner and such but he really does too much for me and it makes me feel bad. As far as I'm concerned, he is all I need, money or not.
When I read the title, these were the things that came to mind. Maybe also add affection and loyalty/faithfulness (though that goes with trust and honesty, I suppose).
i live my life by the mantra: "you are not entitled to anything in this world. always be grateful for that which is given to you."
in a relationship, you mutually agree to things - such as to be loyal and affectionate with one another. what people agree upon in their relationships is always different... so i believe that you are entitled to that which you mutually agreed to give each other, not less and not more. if two partners agree to be faithful, yes, they are entitled to that; if they don't agree to pay one another's dinner's, no, they are not entitled to that. etc. etc.
this is why people always stress communication in relationships.
I didn't read the responses so I'm not sure if anyone said it but noone is automatically entitled to anything in a relationship. What you put in is what you are entitled to. If you put nothing in (not even respect) then you aren't even entitled to respect. If you're married, both parties are entitled to half of what they earn together. When people both earn money and they buy things together, neither of them should have to lose everything. I do agree with the things you said but if one partner doesn't give one, they aren't entitled to it. Especially if one is abusive they aren't entitled to a thing.
@T3hZ10n@xanga -
I'm sorry, these quotes. Are you actually serious? You view your partner as an opponent who's fate you're attempting to direct? that's extremely controlling. an enemy you're trying to subdue? someone you're trying to deceive with your pretending? Isn't enough of the world against you with you making an enemy of your SO as well?
"That is what you are entitled to in a relationship, your partner's genuine desire to improve your life by always looking for ways to make you happier, and their desire to improve their own life simply by having you in it."
so your partner should try to make you happy and your life better, but they should be happy just cause they know you?
@enoughtodiefor@xanga -
"so your partner should try to make you happy and your life better, but they should be happy just cause they know you?"
I knew someone was bound to say this.
No. Both people should feel like the other person simply being a part of their life makes them happy, not to mention (although I did mention) the fact that they both want even more than that for the other person.
Is it really that hard to understand? When both people are selfless in a relationship, it's not selfish to either one of them. In fact, that's what makes it better than any relationship based on criteria. When both people are selfless, and they both want to give more than they (expect to) receive, the resulting relationship is greater than the sum of its parts.
When you expect something, and you believe you are entitled to it, the only thing that can possibly happen is that as time goes on, more and more you will take it for granted. If you desire to give more than you receive in a relationship and the other person does as well, as time goes on, you will both only want to give more and more because you continuously receive more and more, meaning you will only grow to appreciate each other more and more.
Nobody should feel they are "entitled" to anything from any human being other than the care they receive from their mother and father. After that is no longer necessary for your survival, anything anyone does for you is a Hell of a lot more than you are entitled to. So when people say they require any potential partner have things like a certain college degree? Are you fucking kidding me? How does that have ANYTHING to do with who they are? A person is that person regardless of their external circumstances.
Example: If a few notable politicians and businessmen never attempted to use him as a pawn, Hitler never would achieved a position of power due to circumstances outside his ability control, he never would have been responsible for the holocaust and likely never would have done anything any more noteworthy than becoming a somewhat successful politician if he was lucky. He wasn't a murderer or a rapist or anything remotely illegal or he wouldn't have been able to climb the ranks like he did. It was only when circumstances outside of his control provided him an opportunity to be the kind of person he wanted to be, and only then did his true colors show through.
Even if he didn't become chancellor and never became "responsible for the deaths of" 17 million human beings, would he not still be the same person? WOULD HE NOT STILL BE HITLER?
Relevant example for a potential partner: If she didn't earn a master's degree in Psychology, WOULD SHE NOT STILL BE THE HERSELF?
You love a person for WHO not WHAT they are. The latter is the most common and the most destructive form of OBJECTIFICATION whether people realize it or not. You don't leave someone because they lost their job and they are depressed... that is one of the most incredibly heartless things you could ever do to someone, second only to judging them for being that way in the first place and rejecting them because of it. If you LOVE a person for WHO they are, you would try everything to inspire and motivate them to better themselves.
"that's extremely controlling."
You bet it is.
"someone you're trying to deceive with your pretending?"
Makeup, baby talk, sex, implicit and explicit visual, verbal, and even physical signals suggesting the possibility of the willingness to have sex, emotional games and tests, training, etc., etc.
Deny it.