Friday, 27 January 2012
-
My Gut Tells Me Things are Not Adding Up
I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and I just have the gut feeling that something is not adding up. This saturday she is going to a birthday party for a 3-year-old, and yes the party is at a friend's place. At one time, he wanted to date her. I have met the guy and he does have a girlfriend now but it just seems funny.
My girlfriend and I have plans after, and I made it clear that I have nothing going on and just want to lock down a time that we can meet after. The party is from 2-5 and she says she doesn't know how long she is going to stay. It's all kinda' up in the air at this point. I know that an invite was sent out to over 35 people and this might be a big party.
In the past, I never listened to my gut and it was the wrong thing to do. I was in an 8 year marriage and was blindsided when she left me, yet my gut told me things were not all right. Again, I dated a girl for 5 months and she committed suicide. I feel like I could have done more.
My point is I've met most of her family and a bunch of her friends, and 2 weeks ago, I invited her to my brother's birthday party. I just don't see why the invite was not extended to me to join her and if there were over 35 people invited, what's one more going to hurt?
She has been vague about who is going and it just doesn't add up.
Am I over-thinking this or is my gut right on? Do you always trust your gut feelings? Are they usually right?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (31)
3 months isn't a long time....she just might not be ready to introduce you to everyone in her life. Sometimes our minds can go off on a tangent and think worst-case scenarios. I'd keep an eye out for other red flags. Don't be too quick to thinking something is going on because if you are in fact wrong and freak out about it, you will look really bad in the process. If she is being shady, there will be tons of other things that don't seem right. So just give her the benefit of the doubt on this one....and maybe ask her in a nice way her reason why she doesn't want you to go too. Never hurts to communicate
I'd be less concerned about the guy's past desires and more concerned about your girlfriend's desires. Does she know about his old feelings for her? More importantly, how does SHE feel about those feelings, assuming she knows?
I wouldn't be too concerned about the fact that she'd want to stay later. Even though it's a party for a 3-year old, there are perfectly legitimate reasons why adults would want to stay later (for example, if they know a friend or group of friends are attending and they want to catch up on current events, etc). There are also legitimate reasons that they may leave out SO's when inviting people (for example, lack of familiarity or maybe something to do with exclusive social cliques that have past histories, etc). Although, granted, it seems a little odd that they'd leave you out of a three-year old kid's birthday party of all things.
The real issue here is how she feels - or has felt - about him. If she is evading the question or doesn't give a straight answer, or does ANYTHING that triggers alarm bells in your head, then I think you have a problem. This may all just be an overreaction on your part, but at the same time, I'd be more worried about her reactions than I would about that other friend.
And for the record, your gut doesn't really tell you anything besides the following:
1) "I'm hungry!"
2) "I'm full!"
3) "I'm gonna hurl!"
4) "I gotta poo!"
5) "I've got the squirts!"
hurms. gut feelings should never be ignored, but i think you should be talking to her about it if you're uncomfortable or if you have questions you want to ask.
ask her why you weren't invited...
If I am invited to parties, I will ask if my boyfriend can come as soon as I am invited. My boyfriend does the same. Well more like, he doesn't see it as a him but a WE. But he is simply a rare catch who is super considerate! =D I think you may be over analyzing things... however... have you brought this up to her? If you asked her if you could join since you have no plans anyway, and then she acts all weird in her response... then I would worry.
I think you're over-reacting. To me it just seems kind of immature to fuss over not being invited to a party. Ask if she has/had feelings for him. My boyfriend and I dated for over 2 years and he had 2 separate bday parties. Didn't invite me to one of them, but there was this girl I have beef with cause she flirts with him constantly. Was I disappointed? Yes. But nothing to worry about.
I think you're over analyzing things right now. It could get more serious in the future, but for this situation - like what other posters have been saying - it's fine that she wants to stay later. Just ask her why she didn't invite you.
Have you asked her?
I think it's too early to assume anything right now. Your gut is pretty worked up considering your past. But hindsight is 20/20. Think about all the times your gut was wrong... as in you had a gut feeling that didn't pan out. You're more likely to forget about those. Good luck!
I think because of your past experiences, you are overanalyzing things too much. Try to ease your mind, not every gut feeling turns out to be true. And also try speaking to her about it.
In all honesty, it's just a kid's birthday. It isn't a crazy drunken party. Maybe she needs time to just be by herself with friends. This is a perfectly reasonable thing, and is even healthy for your relationship. I don't honestly see anything here that would send up red flags to me. It kind of seems like everything's on the up-and-up. But if your gut is telling you something's wrong, then look for other signs...but don't take this party as a sign that something bad is going on. You could just be gun-shy and paranoid after past bad experiences.
-Katie
Wow. I'm so glad I'm not dating you. Chill out, man. Some girls want to go to a party with friends without their demanding, needy, significant other coming along. It's easier to catch up with friends when one doesn't have to worry about how well their SO is assimilating and getting along with other people....you're being overbearing and over thinking. You should change your ways, ASAP. I dated someone who could have written this post, verbatim, someone just like you, and it was the most miserable time ever.
It's in your best interest to stop over thinking and let you gf be free and do what she wants. By trying to not lose her, you push her away more.
Your past is coloring your guts...Three months is nothing. Don't worry about it. Just go do something you want to do for a few hours. If she doesn't want to go out after then go spend some time with your buddies.
It's way to early to get worked up over something like this.
i once ignored my gut feeling and i was blindsided by my ex. i hate when people are vague too. don't be vague, vague = dishonesty.
You haven't been dating long at all. and 35 people for a child's party is big but not big enough to just invite anyone and their partner, she's invited because she's an active part of their life.... why would she bring a date to a kid's party??
we could EASILY have 35 people attend my son's birthday party but you have to keep in mind it's a KID'S party, that's a bunch of children and their parents and relatives. it's not an adult gathering where you just invite everyone. i wouldn't invite a significant other who had only been dating a friend for a couple of months. kid parties are expensive. each person coming is another mouth to feed and honestly, why would you WANT to go? it's for a CHILD, it's not going to be fun for you especially when it's not even within your social circle.
To be honest, it really sounds like you're really over reacting to this situation, however with that said, from your past experiences i can understand WHY you're over reacting. but again, doesn't change the fact that you are still overreacting.
if she was going to an adult event it would be different, but the fact that it's a child's birthday party, it's just not appropriate for her to invite a date and i don't see why the host would feel a need to invite you in the first place. their goal is the child's party and you're not directly involved with the child/know that family.
i guess i just see it from the perspective of a parent. i wouldn't even THINK to extend an invite to a boyfriend/girlfriend of only three months and i'd think it would be kind of weird if someone asked if they could come after only three months.
@Kathy - again keep in mind that the number of guests would include kids. easily 15 kids could attend a child's birthday. each child may have at least one (if not two) adults come with them. on top of that family of the children such as aunts, uncles and grandparents.
for my son's birthdays i may have a friend come who has no children because they're a very active part of my child's life or an important person to the family, but you don't just invite your friends. it's pointless and again it would be boring
sorry as a parent i just think it's kind of weird that someone who's not connected to the child would be so worked up about attending their birthday party when clearly it's not even the party you care about but your own insecurities about your relationship and yourself. if you're not going for the CHILD then why would you even care to go????
@a_single_raindrop@xanga - why WOULD she invite him though? it's not her PLACE to invite him, as she's not the one hosting the party.
not only that, but it's a CHILD'S birthday party. if i had a friend i invited to my son's party show up with a date of a guy she had only been dating for three months i'd be really bothered by it. i dunno but this post is really unsettling to me. i understand the OP has been through a lot and has developed a hypersensitivity to these kinds of things but he's by far way overreacting.
if i was dating a guy for only three months and he was behaving this way i'd see it as a huge red flag and not bother continuing towards developing a relationship with him. i can't deal with that level of insecurity that attending one event on my own would cause that much trouble or stress on either one of us/the relationship. it seems extremely unhealthy to me.
to the OP, perhaps you're simply not ready to be in a relationship right now. it really sounds like you have a lot of baggage from your past which is completely understandable considering everything you've been through, but these are things you really need to work through and resolve on your own before getting seriously involved with someone new.
you could've asked her "can i come too?"
I would say three months isn't long enough to base your opinion on that. Reason being is maybe she isn't ready to introduce you to everyone. I, myself, avoided introducing my new prospects to family until I knew or sure it would be serious.
you are thinking about it too much. Just ask her. Maybe you are pushing these girls away but overthinking things and freaking out over stuff that isn't a big deal. In turn that will make them feel like they can't talk to you about anything without you freaking out so they just wont tell you stuff. Chances are he's going to be there and she will see him but it's not a big deal. If you know he wanted to date her that means she probably knows it too and if she had wanted to date him she would have. Have a little more faith in your relationship and it'll give her a chance to show you that she's committed to you.
You really think she is going to fool around with some guy (who already has a girlfriend and chances are is going to be there) at a 3-year-old's birthday party? This sounds like a Jerry Springer kind of topic. If it really bothers you, address it with her. Ask her why she doesn't invite you. Honestly, it could be something simple as she didn't think you'd be interested, or it's going to be boring and she's hoping to use YOU as an excuse to duck out early or better yet, she doesn't want to do everything with you like you two are attached at the hip. You have to let her have her own life. It's cool that you've been so willing and eager to share all of yours but maybe she's just not ready for that or doesn't feel the need to do so to be close to you.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Lol
she probably figures youd be bored out of your skull at a party for a 3 year old you don't even know.
But, honestly these sorts of issues are easily dealt with......
Instead of talking to us about it, talk to HER about it. Keeping the lines of communication open fixes pretty much everything. If she's not willing to communicate......dump her.
It seems to me that the party and the guy aren't the issue. Trust is the issue. Have some. If she breaks your trust, deal accordingly, but don't just assume that she might be up to something because other people have burned you. She's not them. Give her a fair chance of her own.