Thursday, 26 January 2012
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Stop Talking About Your Ex!
I just got an interesting phone call from one of my best guy friends. He was complaining that this new girl he has been seeing always talks about her ex's. In his words, he said, "If something reminds her of something she did with one of her ex's, it's a story. A memory becomes another story. It's like she has had no life outside of her boyfriends! It's driving me insane! She got mad at me the other day because I DIDN'T tell her about one of my own ex's, but that was before her! Why does she even care? Then, when I told her that, she said, 'Because knowing where someone has been in their past is part of getting to know them.' And now I'm confused...."
I honestly don't know what to tell him. I used to be that way. I talked about my ex's all the time. I can't honestly even give a good reason why. I have had very few serious relationships, but they were all long term, and I suppose most of my life experiences come from those relationships. I don't know how I learned to stop talking about them, either, but I did. I still mention an ex occasionally in a story but I don't talk about our relationship or anything like I used to.
I wonder, is it really that annoying to some people if someone talks about their ex's all the time? What do you think it means? Is it a subconscious sign that they aren't really over their past?
What would you do if someone you were on a date with, or dating, kept bringing up ex's? How do you tell your significant other to stop? If you are that person who talks about their ex's, how do you stop?
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- From: ThaPlatinumOne@xanga
- Name: Shannon
- About Me: Model, Mother, Student. I hold no punches. Hippie at heart. Hit me up on Twitter! @ThaPlatinumOne
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Comments (42)
I only talk about an ex when someone brings it up or asks me about an ex. Otherwise, I keep it to myself. I don't mind if someone talks about their ex from time to time. But, all the time, I would ask them politely not to.
Her reasoning makes sense, though. Your past makes you into the person you are today. And to know why you are the way you are today, you would be curious about who in your life has shaped it.
My SO did used to do that. I didn't think it was right for me to ask him not to. I know it shouldn't bother me. Then it came up in conversation and he asked me if I minded it, and I said yes. He hasn't done it since.
i had an ex who talked about her exes alot. she didn't do it so much at first but did more and more towards the end of the relationship. at first it ws ok cuz it did reveal things about her and her past that are important, but got annoying later on. i think it always means that they still care for the ex and only sometimes indicates that they still have feelings for the ex. thats my take at least
My hubby and I talked about our ex's.. but I had good reason to tell him about the 2 guys I dated before.. they were both very abusive relationships... I still can't sleep in the dark because of it and its been going on 10 years.
Other things, like happy memories.. yea, we talked about that but not really a lot..more in general.
the only thing he really talked about his ex was how she wore "slutty halter tops" every day.. which he hated.. which was good info because I almost bought a wedding gown with a halter top =) of course now he likes them!
I think it's ok to talk about it if the topic arises, but it should not be "ex story-time." I went out with a guy who kept on talking about his exes on the first date, and although it had some relevance, it made me really uncomfortable and I just checked out.
I went out with this one guy awhile back and he kept bringing up his ex. Granted, he had just gotten out of the relationship, but I had just gotten out of one myself. Mine having been four years long and his only a few months. I just let him talk though because sometimes people need to talk about their ex's to get over them. As far as in a relationship, I don't bring up ex's very often. I do think it's important to talk about ex's with your current beau at least once though. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their ex's when they talk about them.
I talk about my husband's ex all the time. Mostly 'cause she's a bitch.
talking about ex's can be easily overdone. very easily. i personally find it rather annoying.
I don't know how I'd feel if I had a SO who talked about his ex(es) all the time. I did go out with a guy one time that talked a lot about one or more of his exes on our very first date. THAT was a little annoying, and premature. I don't want to know about crap that happened with previous girlfriends when I'm still trying to learn basic info, like where he works, what he does for fun, and getting-to-know-you stuff. Besides that, and maybe this makes me conceited, but, he talked so nonstop about other girls he'd gone out with that it made me wonder if there was actually anything he wanted to know about ME, you know, the one he was CURRENTLY sitting right in front of.
I understand the logic about getting to know someone by way of past experiences that have shaped them. But I feel like there's a time and place for it. (and for me, the time and place is not the very first date...but that's just me.)
I semi-recently got out of an 8 year relationship with a guy and now I am casually dating someone else, and I make a conscious effort to not talk about my ex at all. We had one very long conversation about how my ex treated me and the things he did that I did not like, but that was it. I refuse to bring it up because I don't want my old relationship to be any part of my new relationship. I wouldn't want to hear about his ex's, so I refrain from talking about mine.
"This one time, me and [ex] were shopping and..." - Neutral
"You laugh just like [ex]." - Bad
"You remind me so much of [ex]" - Potentially horrific
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - "I went out with this one guy awhile back and he kept bringing up his ex."
@okitapieds@xanga - "i had an ex who talked about her exes alot."
Lol... if the poster were the person you were interested in, you'd be perfect examples of what they are talking about per se.
my ex, used to talk about his ex who he claimed was psycho and didn't really have anything to bring to the table, and it annoyed the fuck out of me, it's not like I'm going to respect her or anything. his mom really wanted us to get married, but I told her that he needed to get this shit straight, when I left
It's rather annoying. Even more so since my boyfriend is best-friend-status with his ex, so he's often telling me when they hang out, or whatever she said. I tell myself, at least he's with ME now, and him telling me all this means he's not hiding anything; though much of the time, I'd just rather not know. I'd like to believe that him mentioning his ex isn't because he's not over her, but that he wants me to know everything about him--but that may just be my boyfriend in particular.
I think sometimes I have this problem, but it isn't because I am not over anyone. I think sometimes it's just that many of my memories involve exes. I'll sometimes be vague when I tell the stories like, "I was hanging out with a friend...", but sometimes it's just easier to be straight up and say it was someone I was dating. I would never bring it up if it wasn't relevant. I hope I don't annoy guys too much with it. I try to be somewhat tactful.
I'm still dealing with trauma. He has nothing to worry about but talking about it is helping me slowly heal. Other than that, I have dated some really fucked up people and mock them openly. None of it is having trouble getting over the person, it's just still trying to figure out what I saw in them.
maaaaajor red flag. at best, she has no life outside of her relationships, and at worst, she's not over an ex and this will be imposed on you (most likely making you a rebound). i have been fortunate that i've only ever been on one date where a girl talked about her ex constantly, and i didn't go out with her again. had i known beforehand she had gotten out of a 3 year relationship only a couple of months earlier, i wouldn't have asked her out in the first place.
waste of a bus ride, that was for sure.
It's a sign that she's not really over her ex, she only wants to go out with you and fuck you as a means of getting over her ex, she wants to pile a bunch of shit onto you, and in the end she may just hook back up with this ex.
I did a fuckton of cool shit with my friends over the years, and I've also done a fuckton of cool shit with guys I'm no longer dating. Finding the retelling of a story 'threatening' makes you seem insecure and emotionally stunted. It's a fucking story about something that happened in the past. Should a girl not tell you she went para-sailing in Hawaii cause the guy she went with penetrated her at one point or another? That's just dumb.
I'll talk about my exes with the guy I like and he often brings up his exes when something happens that reminds us of them but it's never gotten excessive. Telling stories about any one thing all the time will eventually becoming annoying to pretty much everyone but it also depends on the kinds of stories being told. Sometimes there's something funny that involved your ex so it's an entertaining story to tell. Other stories will probably consist of angry ranting. But even though we don't talk about our exes *that* often, there are times where I'm not in the mood to hear about his ex so I just tell him that. Usually we can tell when the other is uninterested in hearing about an ex so we change topics.
@okitapieds@xanga - My first relationship after a super long one (well, 3 years, but it's long when it was from when you were 15-18. MAJOR, considering that's when you change sooooo much), I kept bringing up things from my last relationship. They were all things that I hated from my first relationship, but I didn't know how to NOT bring them up, I suppose. When my third relationship happened, he sat me down and said 'You know, guys don't like hearing about exes, and neither do girls... So how about neither of us talk about our exes?' And that was the end of it.
This relationship, however... I want it to work out more than anything, so the only time I bring up my ex is when it's pertinent to the conversation (for instance: if there's something I don't want him to do, and he would like to know why he's not supposed to do said thing). It's not that I'm not over my first ex, I just spent a lot of my growing years with him, so a lot of my first-time life experiences were with him. And it's tough NOT talking about that.
My current bf talks about his ex all the time! She ended the relationship and he was still in love and wanting to make it work. He says he hates her, wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire. I think he still has anger/ego issues over this and it drives me insane! It's been 9 yrs....get over it already!!!
I don't think constantly bringing up stories about an ex is good for a current relationship...makes one wonder if he/she is over the ex or why they continually feel the need to shove things they did, in their past, in your face.
Although, If they're talking about things they did with their ex and their kids...that's a whole different story. It's hard to take the ex out of the equation when kids are involved.
i think being open about your past and being comfortable sharing with your current partner is important. it shows that you aren't ashamed of your past or trying to hide anything, also that you aren't hung up on it either. obviously, there's a time and a place for it and if someone is constantly talking about their ex they've probably got some unresolved issues. i think sharing your past is something you typically do when you first start dating someone so you can get everything out in the open so there are no unpleasant surprises down the line. after that, there's not much point to it unless it just happens to come up in conversation.
I think it takes 6 months or less to stop talking about an ex. if your friend is talking about her ex and she recently broke up with him, I think you should just suck it up and let her talk.
I mention ex's if it is something I learned that I want to share. And yes something about ex's teaches people a lot about who they are and sometimes it really is good to know. I want to know about them and their ex's so I usually dont mind hearing about it and I dont mind sharing my experiences either. History repeats itself, once I realized how badly a guy treated his ex, as he was just going to be the same way he deals with me when things went wrong! So knowing someone's relationship with an ex now keenly is noted in how he acted in different situations- and can sort of be extrapolated and may be future red flags!