Thursday, 26 January 2012
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Can Cheating Only Happen in a Committed Relationship?
This post was submitted anonymously.I am a recovering woman from the infamous first real heartbreak. And I'm a little confused.
Here is what happened.My ex and I had been together for over 2 years. Neither of us had ever lasted in a relationship with others for much more than 3 months, and we were the first "serious" relationship to each other. To me, he was my first...everything. Anyways, after 2 blissful years, with a tiff here and there, I felt like we were falling out of love.
I felt lonely even with him lying next to me, and I felt like he wasn't putting in the effort for me. Plus, I had to move back home from college, and it would be difficult to keep it going when I felt like he treated me like any other friend with the exception of the benefits part. After talking about it, he didn't even seem like he wanted to try and improve. I would have given him the chance if he wanted, but he was all too willing to let it fall.
So we said we would try being just friends, since it was that way already anyway.
Post-breakup, he kept texting me and talking to me almost like the breakup didn't happen. I was a bit confused, but I didn't bother trying to cut it off, because clearly, we both still had feelings for each other. I still loved him. And he told me he still loved me.This had continued till my birthday, when I decided to have a party down where he lives and all our mutual friends are, and I was having a great time, until i noticed her. She was a new friend that our group of friend started hanging out with, and I noticed that she was sitting next to him, and he was stroking her legs, then later that night, she was lying down on top of him on a couch in the room.I was devastated.I had never expected anything like this from him. He's your average "nice guy" that would never hurt anyone. Later I found out that he had been hooking up with her for about 2 weeks prior to that incident, and about a week after I had found out that night, they made it official. I was absolutely heartbroken.I'm doing a lot better now; I've forgiven him, and accepted that it's okay to let him go and strive for my own happiness, but I'm still a bit confused.Can cheating only happen in a committed relationship? Or am I overreacting?
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Comments (35)
Technically yes. But emotionally no. It hurts bad. I hate it when I go on vacation and am working a hot little thing for a day or two, only to see her go off with some other guy.
That's rough, but you did break up. It's not cheating. I'm not really sure there's a standard for what qualifies as overreacting in such a situation. I would feel betrayed, too, but he's no longer accountable to you.
You weren't together so he did not cheat on you. That being said, you responded as though he had cheated on you because you were still emotionally attached to him and you still had hopes of things working. This was reinforced by him treating you as though you were still together (not uncommon for couples who stay friends after breaking up and sort of fade out of a relationship.) I'm sorry that you had to go through that. He should have communicated better about what was going on for him if you were still close and you were going to be together.
Cheating can only happen when two people are seeing each other, though. The problem is when one person feels differently about the relationship than the other person and the rules of what is and isn't OK aren't fully developed.
Not cheating. Just being your everyday common douchebag.
Definitely not cheating, you proposed the breakup to him, you both decided to be friends. You'll both eventually end up with someone else. It's not clear how long you two were broken up for but unless it was just the few weeks between you breaking up and him hooking up with her there's nothing really wrong with it. While he probably shouldn't have invited her to your birthday party, it's probably better to get it out of the way and have you see it so you can move on now.
Despite the fact that he's an asshole no matter which way you look at it, he didn't cheat on you. Although I sympathize with you greatly. It ALWAYS hurts knowing that the person you love is with someone else. I promise you, though, there is someone out there who is way better for you than him and will make you happier than this guy ever did.
it's not cheating, but it's normal to fee a sense of betrayal because you'd expect some respect for him to not move on so fast. Clearly, he was bored of the relationship and was already out of love when you guys were together. Technically(by the book), what he doesn't wrong because he was single. But he shouldn't have been leading you on with hope while talking to this next chick. It's good you have come to an acceptance. But it's time you take action, get him out of your life and enjoy yourself.
This is not cheating at all. Yes, it was messed up that he brought her to your party. But you should have asked them to leave after that show of disrespect. Also, now you know that the ability to be friends with an ex is very rare. Usually someone gets hurt. It is rarely a good idea. You need to set boundaries and if you don't and you get hurt then it is really you who is at fault. (not to be heartless, i am sorry this happened, but it is a lesson learned)
@reesa14@xanga - exactly
It isn't technically cheating, but it is extremely rude of him to have strung you along like that. My kind-of ex boyfriend and I are in the same situation as you guys were with the distance and being friends. We are talking still and want to work things out, so we agreed to not be in a committed relationship, but to also not talk to anyone else while we're trying to work things out. Maybe better boundaries should have been brought up. He shouldn't have brought her with him to your party though or he should have at least given you a little bit of a warning.
or it's because cheating is called cheating only in a committed relationship?
not cheating, BUT, that doesn't mean he's not doing anything wrong.
he's basically leading you on, not informing you that he's seeing other people, causing you to have to realize this on your birthday, of all times!
not cheating. you guys broke up. it could be his fault for "leading you on", but you're at least equally at fault for allowing it to happen. you talked back. there's no "forgiving" him. that's bull. if he used you emotionally after the breakup, well you did the same using him back. he just happened to move on first. deal.
He doesn't seem like your "average nice guy" to date you, then lose interest, not have the balls to talk to you about it, let you feel lonely, and still contact you after he hurt you.
ugh! NOT a "nice guy" at all!
well, its not cheating. i think he was probably confused about his feelings at first. you two obviously spent a lot of time together and its hard to just forget that instantaneously. he was probably a little hurt that you said you weren't satisfied in the relationship and that's maybe why he didn't fight the breakup. it could also be the whole grass is greener thing. maybe he was wondering what it would be like to be with someone else and was getting tired of you, but still had some underlying feelings. he wanted to string you along a a backup while he played the field a bit. this other girl ended up being someone he wanted to get more serious with though.
either way, its a pretty douchey move to bring his new fuck buddy to your birthday party and flaunt it in front of you. especially when he was being all lovey-dovey with you up until that point.
i say move on, find a new guy. that's honestly the best way to get over someone. rebound like a champ.
Cheating can only happen in an exclusive relationship.
It still hurts though, when the person you are emotionally attached to is with someone else.
It's not cheating, but the guy's definitely a douche for showing up with another girl when it was obvious that there were still lingering feelings between you two. And on your birthday, of all days? No guy can possibly be thick enough to not realize that that's going to hurt, a lot.
It isn't cheating. But it doesn't make it any less painful.. I know the feeling, im sure MANY of us do.. You'll eventually get over it, it just takes time.. Im sorry :( I remember feeling like that alot.. It sucks..
I'm sure you're hurting and it's getting better but he was NEVER a "nice" guy. A "nice" guy would have tried to make the effort in your relationship when you voiced out your concerns about how you felt. He willingly let you go. All falls apart. You must have felt that he led you on with these confusing texts while you missed him and looked forward to seeing him at your birthday party. He should have KNOWN not to bring a date to his recently broken up ex girlfriend's party. Did she know? Or was she in the dark about whose party she was crashing?
I'm sure it hurts like you've took a bite out of glass. But no, he betrayed you but didn't cheat on you. Although, he acted like a total dick.
I wouldn't consider this cheating, but since you two were still talking as if nothing had changed, he definitely should have informed you about this new change, if nothing else but to make you aware so you wouldn't be shocked when you saw her. I understand that this is shocking and hurtful, and while he really should have been upfront with you, he didn't actually do anything terribly wrong.
You two weren't exclusive, so he was free to do whatever he wanted, even if you still had feelings for him. Cut your loss and move on.. you should of done that when you two broke up.
The fact is it still hurt you. And if he was your first everything, not to sound condescending or put down your situation at all, but you don't have a whole lot of experience with what to do in a situation like this, a fact which many of the above comments seem to be ignoring. And I feel for you, I had something similar happen to me. My boyfriend wanted a "break" and then had sex with another girl THAT NIGHT. And I was hurt. Just because you two weren't exclusive doesn't mean you weren't hurt.
Try and think on the bright side. Though its a really crappy situation you'll know better than to let a guy pull you around or keep you hanging on as backup in the future. Hang in there :)
Wow, that must have hurt badly. I'm sorry you had to witness it. I think it was sort of rude that he didn't make it clear to you that he was seeing someone else. As friends, that should have been in open communication. I understand how it would feel like cheating, since he didn't say anything, making you feel as if you guys were still together and not seeing anyone else. But it's okay, as long as you've moved on, it's all good. I'm glad that you did, and I hope you can let it go and be happy on your own two feet again.