There's an on-going battle in my mind - a fight between what I want and this undeniable fear that I'll end up alone. I look at my "ideal man" and think to myself, "I'm not looking for anything extraordinary...am I?" I begin to weigh out the pros and cons of waiting to find this dream person or just settling down with someone who is kind and genuinely cares about me - regardless of how they fit my criteria.
Then I shake myself.
Let's take a look at the divorce rate. Is that the price of settling? You end up with someone you aren't truly compatible with. Is compatibility congruent to ideals? Or is compatibility something completely different - is it just a feeling of completion in a singular, serendipitous moment that you fall into? Is there a science to finding love?
I'm not alone. I've never been alone. There's always been someone waiting around for my attention and in that respect, I feel spoiled. I have options - I just don't feel that feeling. I just don't feel "it" with any of these potential suitors.
Am I being pretentious? Or am I holding out for something truly spectacular? Is feeling entitled to love - inconvenient, overarching, exhausting, exhilarating, exciting and breathless love - nothing but a fairy tale?
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Comments (94)
Love is not a right. No one is entitled to it.
If more people started seeing love as a gift that is freely given from one human being to another, instead of a right or payment, then maybe they'll stop placing unreasonable expectations on each other. At the very least, it'll make people all the more grateful for affections received, and maybe they'll actually work harder at preserving their relationships. Less entitlement = more willingness to tackle the practical issues of relationship-building because you start to realize how precious love can be, and you'll want to make all the necessary preparations to help keep that love alive for as long as possible.
Feeling that you're entitled to love is not a fairy tale. It's just stupid.
You have to be able to find the balance between "settling" and being "too picky". My aunt is 52 years old and has never even had a boyfriend because she felt that no one was good enough for her. Some people say that they would rather die alone than having to live a life that falls under their expectations. While some are just happy with someone to walk through life with. There's really no right or wrong in having high standards, you just have to be able to live up to the consequences if ever you don't find "the perfect guy".
it's definitely ok to have standards and be selective....that's what i call it. when you've worked so hard to be someone, it's definitely ok to be a selective.
You should hold out for someone that's right for you. That doesn't mean hold out for perfection.
Sometimes you lower your standards and end up with someone who is WORSE.
But...what are your standards? If it's something little, like not wanting to be with a smoker and then falling for one, get over it. If it's something major, as in you're not attracted to him physically or mentally, he's not romantic and plays computer games all day, then you should be picky.
agree with @QuantumStorm@xanga , but i would also like to add that, you can be flattered and grateful and appreciative of someone's affections, but if you don't like them the same way back, you have to let them know so as to not lead them on. i hate rejecting people!! X__x especially if it's someone who has become a good friend; but sometimes, its got to be done.
i have a few MAJOR deal-breakers that someone can't have, but beyond that i just go with my instincts, which don't always make sense; but which generally require that i have a level of trust and friendship before i'll allow myself to fall for them.
I feel everyone deserves that type of breath-taking love.
*takes deep breath*
Well, if you want to be realistic about this, first you have to know what your goal actually is...If your goal is to love a person who loves you, when it comes to having "standards" or "criteria", don't. Your desire to look for a partner using a "checklist" is meant for advancing human evolution through sexual selection. If that is your goal, you will continue looking for traits, and traits are all you will find.
Don't seek a person to love, seek to love a person. Forget about this subject. Continue going to work, enjoying your hobbies and all of your daily activities. Eventually, you'll run into someone you will want, and when you do... learn everything you can about them and appreciate them for who they are, not what they are. Be patient, be understanding, and if they have superficial "flaws", don't worry about those. The more you get to know the person, the more you love the person, and eventually any flaw you saw before will disappear to you entirely.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - "before i'll allow myself to fall for them"
The illusion of self-control. Think about it sometime and you'll see it's not that you're granting yourself permission to fall for them, but were previously denying them permission to be fallen for.
You're right for waiting, but don't listen to "QuantumStorm" up there. Why can't anyone be entitled to love? Sure, it's an emotion you can give to someone and hopefully they'll return it. But I think that because you're here, living, breathing, and possibly being let down by people and experiencing disappointments while waiting, you're entitled to it. I hope he/she doesn't think that you're entitled to disappointments.
@mycontinuity@xanga - A perfect example of knowing what's important to the individual and focusing on that, to me smoking is a big deal and video games aren't.
I'm a little in the holding out boat. I wouldn't be surprised if you went from having 'high standards' and being 'picky' to all of a sudden experiencing love at first sight. Genuine love can be like that. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - In your case it's more like, "Find one person to obsess endlessly over who will never, ever, ever love you. Then write pseudo-intellectual responses to topics no one gives a shit about while someone far more interesting mocks you through wordy, lengthy, and elaborate comments that seem to end, but never do.
And ducks.
I've kind of learned that your standards kind of go out the window when you meet the right person. Not ALL of them, of course. There's some deal breakers obviously. I know when I met my kind of boyfriend (things are complicated at the moment, but when are things not complicated), I was super against guys that smoked cigarettes and he openly admitted to smoking and I realized that wasn't a deal breaker when it came to him although it previously had been a deal breaker with different guys before him. There's just different things with him that I've realized would have been deal breakers before, but aren't with him. They aren't huge things, and he falls more into my standards (and beyond) than not. I just don't think people should box them into a certain type and set list of standards. Yeah, you shouldn't be with just anyone, but you shouldn't throw someone out because they aren't the exact replica of what you want.
@RazielV@xanga - She found me, and ouch to that "never, ever, ever" part.
@RazielV@xanga - Aren't you just aggravating this guy? And who is he, anyway?
I don't think "it" exists for a lifetime. I think "it" can exist in the short-run, but is by no means a long-term reality. Maybe I'm pessimistic? Who knows. Maybe I'm a realist? Maybe I'm being too... practical? I've been accused of all of these.
I think "it" should be more suitable defined by what you consider a good mate, a good companion, your best friend. I also think that the older you get the better you understand yourself and the better you understand what kind of person IS a good mate and a good companion and it becomes a little easier to weed out good from bad. Or maybe the fear of growing old alone increases as we age and that changes our priorities? Who knows... haha.
I think standards are important, but make sure that they are the "correct" standards.
@RazielV@xanga - Well played sir.
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - Different religions refer to me by different names.
And no, it is impossible to aggravate me.
I think the key to this is finding out what's really essential, and what's just superficial.
@T3hZ10n@xanga - .....what does religion have to do with what I asked? I wasn't directing the question towards you, seeing that everyone thinks you are an utter and complete waste of skin.
The idea of love is placed on such a very high pedestal. The worst part is this idea is fueled by books, tv shows, movies, celebrities, success stories, etc.
Expect the unexpected. Love will be different for you.
@xsimplepleasuresx@xanga - I guess this is only for people who are addicted to games to the point where they ignore friends and family.
@stupid_systemus@xanga - Yeah, they think love is so magical when it's just, you know, another person that you like more than everyone else.
@mycontinuity@xanga - Yep. I'm still a romantic, though ^_^
@x_damaged_yet_unbroken_x@xanga - "Why can't anyone be entitled to love?"
Because if you're entitled to it, you take it for granted. It ceases to be a gift, and becomes a payment.
You're entitled to explore love, certainly, but you are not entitled to RECEIVE it.