Wednesday, 25 January 2012
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First Boyfriend: Scared Out of My Mind!
This post was submitted anonymously.Hi, I'm 14-years-old and have never had a boyfriend. I'm what my friends call "the school's sexy nerd" apparently, even though I prefer paintball and Halo over painting nails and flat irons. I am supposedly really cute. I've never had a boyfriend before and I'm Christian so I have a purity ring which means no sex until I'm married.
A while ago, I met this boy who's a sophomore (I'm a freshman so it's not that bad). We are really good friends and he is absolutely adorable! Today he told me he liked me; I, in turn, told him that I also liked him. We chatted and then he clarified to make sure that it was official that we were dating. I somewhat awkwardly said, "Yeah, okay. Sure...."
I don't really know what to do, I mean, apparently he's dated a lot of girls so he's used to dating but I've never had any experience and I feel completely awkward and barely know how to hold a hand. I'm so used to being either left alone, or in large groups of fun people so I'm not used to just one-on-one with a guy.
I really like him, but for reasons I can't fathom, I feel scared. In geek terms, I'm a "noob." Basically I'm just scared, and feel awkward and like I'm going to get annoying because I'm extremely shy.
Any thoughts on how to avoid feeling so scared?
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Comments (41)
When I started dating it helped to think of my partner as a friend. There isn't any pressure to change how you behave just because you're dating. Just be yourself. It sounds kind of silly and obvious but it will help a lot. As you get closer you will find maybe that you want to hold his hand. Or call him more often. Or spend more time with him. And that's when the lines between friendship will blur into what you understand as a relationship :)
not really dear, first time should be exciting and scary at the same time, it's part of the whole experience. As long as he understands, i bet he'll find you cute awkwardness adorable ^-^
LOL, awww, that's so cute. Tell him that he's your first boyfriend and, if he's a good guy, he'll understand and ask you what you feel okay doing with him, whether that's holding hands and hugging or kissing. You'll learn as you go.
Best of luck to you!
As far as I can tell, guys in my year (Which is 11, the British Sophmore) are just thrilled to get a cute girlfriend. You'll be fine.
I am my current girlfriend's first boyfriend, and like your boyfriend, I have had plenty of dating experience. My girlfriend usually apologizes a lot for her lack of knowledge in dating and what to do in certain situations (she did so last night about Valentine's Day and that she has no idea what people do on that day).
I can give you the same advice that I give her: relax and don't worry about what might happen because it hasn't happened yet. The more you stress out about your relationship when you don't need to, the more strain you are going to put not only on the relationship, but yourself and the boyfriend. Take things slowly and just enjoy what is going on at the moment. Best of luck!
Oh my gosh, I was in the exact same boat as you when I was a freshman in high school. People had a similar public opinion of me as they do of you, and when this really cute, experienced guy asked me out, I awkwardly agreed. I was and still am moderately religious (no sex before marriage, but I'm not Christian). The truth is, I had no idea what I was in for. I got my first kiss on our first date, but I wasn't expecting it. I should have waited and gotten to know him better before agreeing to date him. I never explained once to him what the physical "boundaries" of our relationship should be, and because of that, we ended our relationship on an awkward note, even though he was a very sweet guy. We're still friends, but he doesn't fully understand to this day why we broke up.
My advice to you is to be sure to tell him how you feel about EVERY THING, even if you're shy. It can mean the difference between a healthy and adorable first relationship, and an awkwardly-regrettable one. Make sure you make it known what you want out of being with him.
Don't worry about being scared. Just make sure that if you're uncomfortable with something to clearly say no. Pressure and uncomfortable situations are not okay at 14 years old.
I'm 23, and I still get butterflies the first several times I'm hanging out with a new guy one-on-one. It's natural to be nervous. Good luck :)
If you're a Christian and you're committed to not having sex before marriage, make sure to tell your boyfriend about that, so there's no confusion. Is he a Christian too? What will you do if you two disagree on physical intimacy? Also, as a Christian, think about the qualities you want in a husband. Don't just date a guy for fun or "experience". If you know there's no way you are going to marry this person, you know that you will break up with him eventually. Getting your heart broken hurts a lot. Don't lead him on if you know there's no future. Respect him and his boundaries. Meet his family. Hang out in public. Have fun, but don't idolize him. There are more important things than dating, and boys can't solve all your problems.
lol I'm 19 and still have yet to have a boyfriend =P
Definitely let your boyfriend know that he's your first. If you don't let him know, he'll find out for himself later based on your non verbal behaviors. ie. if it appears that you're scared to hold hands or seem a little hesitant to kiss and whatnot, he'll end up asking one of those days during a chillaxing convo between you two. Just tell him the truth, he'll appreciate it. He might even feel flattered or feel like he has an extra load of responsibility to make this relationship a really special one for you 'cause...you never really forget your first true love right?
I agree with previous commenters that you should try to see him as a best friend.
I know at the beginning I was nervous, but the more we saw each other, the easier it became to see him more than just a boyfriend but a true & loving friend.
Your boyfriend will help you out feel more comfortable, after all he's had experience. If he's a good one, he'll be patient with any hesitancy you have...he'll tell you relax..and if you're not comfortable with anything, he'll wait.
Just keep the communications open and don't regret on anything.
I see so much of myself in your story! Unlike you, though, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17 O.O My first boyfriend dated ~12 girls before he dated me and it was a lot to live up to. Although he made it clear that it was his first "serious" relationship, I was still scared out of my mind. My advice is, if you're not ready for a boyfriend/relationship, don't jump into it. Start off slow, make sure that you guys are looking for the same things in this relationship, and definitely don't let any guy push your boundaries. If he can't handle that, then he's not the one for you. Your first relationship is supposedly a very special one, one that you'll hold onto for a very long time. For me, however, I didn't meet my "real boyfriend" until I turned 19. Before then, I've only kissed 2 guys, once each XD I've been with him for 2.5 years now, and I'm so glad that I didn't let any of the guys from my previous relationships change who I really am :)
It's so tempting to pour out ALL the relationship wisdom I have acquired over the years...but I won't.
#1 advice is: communicate. When you feel unsure about what's going on, what he expects, etc. and it makes you uncomfortable, ask. When he does something that bothers you, tell. Doesn't mean you should overtalk everything, but I think you'll know where the line is between exciting and 'i don't have a clue and i'm lost and scared' is.#2 advice is: don't take it too seriously. You never know where a relationship will end up. Let that go, and focus on the moment, on what is happening now in your life(lives). Enjoy it. Realize that is what makes it worthwhile, no matter what happens tomorrow. Expect mistakes, because no one (not even he) is perfect. Let the little things go; you'll both be better off.
aw i wish i was back in your shoes with what i know now. Honestly i had my best and longest relationship when i was 16-17. Just be yourself and enjoy doing the little day to day things! and if he can be himself and is good to you, make sure you let him know that often. The best advice that i wish i could have had (i was the older boy who had dated a few girls and she was a little younger and hadnt really) was that when it was great and lasted awhile, to fight for it. When it started getting some bumps i was quick to let it go, HS had been one relationship after another,I thought i'd find another girl easily, I never realized that another girl like her wouldnt come along again. So if it works out, stick with it and fight for him! good luck!
you're just a little nervous because its a totally new experience. have fun with it, and don't let him pressure you into doing anything you don't want to.
also, don't be afraid to break up with him if you're no longer having fun/he's not treating you right.
good luck :)
Congratulations!!
My advice for you is to be yourself. He likes you for who you are as a person, and thinks you are beautiful on the outside as well as inside. It is like being his best friend, but you will be closer than before. Best of luck!Just relax and have fun with it. You never get excited butterflies quite the same as when you're 14 once you get older. There really isn't any advice, just enjoy the ride and if it works, great, if you break up, whatever. Just take it as fun, don't be too serious about it. You're 14. Nothing when you're 14 is the end of the world, even if it feels like it. So just enjoy it, savor your first kiss, laugh a lot and go for walks with him, preferably to playgrounds with swings. If he'll let you, borrow his sweatshirt, it'll smell good.
Also, if you're watching a movie and find yourself holding hands, it's okay to move if you get uncomfortable. I remember in my early awkward days, when I would hold hands or something, I would sit there with my hand numb and not move cause I was too nervous. It's okay to move for the sake of your circulation =P
Oh, and just talk casually with him. If you don't know what you're doing, just tell him and laugh. He's not there to judge you. He enjoys spending time with you. He doesn't necessarily expect you to know everything. No one knows everything.
It's tempting when you're 14 to try to act mature or a certain way around guys. Don't bother. I promise, you're much more interesting just talking about things you're interested in than trying to be a "girlfriend." Just talk to him like a person. Ask him questions too, that's the easiest way to start conversations with anyone in general.
Also, don't be caught up in the cultural stereotypes of dating. You're 14, so whatever dating advice you've gleaned from watching sitcoms is totally inapplicable to you. Dating to you does not necessarily mean going out to fancy dinners or having a phone call with him every single night. It can just mean going for walks together or watching movies together. Don't take yourself too seriously, it'll all work out just fine.
BE HONEST. No matter what, don't cover anything up or try to be something you're not. When both parties are honest, there are far fewer problems than if things are covered up. Just be yourself and see how things go. Don't let him push you into things you don't want to do. If he wants to do something you don't, just say, "Hey, I'm not ready for that." If he doesn't like it, then it's not your problem and you might move on. But don't worry about it. You're young. You have plenty of time to figure things out. :)
Like they said: be yourself and remember that you're just friends who spend a little extra time together. :)
Go slow, do not rush anything. Keep your morals and your ways about you, which means you do not necessarily have to hold hands, kiss, etc.
I am a Christian too and have the very highest of standards for my relationship. There are some things I will not do, no matter what.
teehhee... it's so cute how he had to "declare" that it's official!! :D
I remember those days... ahhh, good times, good times..You're 14.. Its normal.......