Tuesday, 24 January 2012
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A Man on a Leash
For the past months - damn, maybe even years! - there has been one issue on my mind: Men being somewhat "owned" by their female partners. I first encountered this when I was 19 and my friend's girlfriend was calling him basically every 30 minutes asking him questions along the lines of:"Where are you?"
"What are you doing?"
"When are you coming back?"
"Who are you with?"
"Are you telling me the truth?"I could not help but ask, "What's up with that?"
And now (6 years late) I am asking the same questions. Why do some women act like that? Why does a guy encounter problems when he wants to hang out with his buddies at the local bar? Are women jealous over their boyfriend's friends? Is that it? Or are women so afraid that a man may meet "someone else, someone better" while he is hanging out at some random place on an idle Friday night?
Is this a case of some serious trust issues between partners? Because to me, if you are afraid that your boyfriend may hook up with some hot chick while he is out drinking beer with his best friends, then you seriously do not trust him. Then, I guess you really have a problem. Or is it that men cannot be trusted and that each one of them is a potential cheater?
And what is it with all this drama going around when a man does not write back to your message within 15 minutes after you send it? Why make such a huge deal out of it? I mean, hello, he has a life and you do not own it, as much as you would like to!
Am I going to be like that when I meet my significant other? Will I get so possessive of him that I will become this "Godzilla girlfriend" for him to fear? Will he complain about me to his friends saying, "She does not let me do anything without her permission, man"?
I know one thing: I do not want to be limited and I want to be trusted, so why would I limit my boyfriend? I think I would feel suffocated if he were a control-freak, trying to track every single move of mine, calling me every hour and flooding me with millions of questions. It seems that when a man does it, then it is perceived as something far worse than when a woman behaves in the same way... or am I having a general misconception of the matter?
So guys: Do you feel as if you were on a girlfriend's leash in the past or maybe even now? Do you think she can trust you? Why do you think she acts that way?
Girls: Are you controlling your man to the edge of his reason or do you allow him to have his own personal space, understanding and accepting the fact that he has a life as well? Why do you think girls sometimes (or "often") act as if they own their man?
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- From: myhometownglory@xanga
- Name: Katya Lebedeva
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Comments (47)
Do what you want. Being my partner doesn't make you my slave. You have your life, I have mine. Go live it, do what you want to do. Just don't sleep with somebody else, and we're good.
I have never been like this nor will I ever be. I believe that it is different with every woman. Some women are insecuer, some are mistrusting for no reason and others mistrusting for very good reasons. In society oqr at least american society we are taugt that w have to work to keep our boyfriend/girlfriends after being cheated on insted of what should be...if you don' t trust someone you shouldn't be with them. But in life there are all k inds of people andjust as many reasons for this behavior
I sort of agree and disagree... My fiance and I are getting married in August, this year. We're required to take our available "party-night" evenings to discuss and make plans for our wedding: invitations, number of guests, seating charts, budgets for flowers, etc. That said, I might ask him to check with me when he'd want to go drink at his heart's content with his buddies so it doesn't overlap with our Marriage prep course in the next morning after. When he and I both need to get up at 8AM on a Saturday morning to attend these courses, he's Catholic so we're doing it for his church, I'd rather know if he'd want me to pick him up drunk and not puking from a hang over the next day. I'd rather GO and make a decision that requires BOTH our brains to be present for budget setting or cake tasting, rather than have to repeat steps 1-2 because he was out partying, drinking at the bar, or whatever.
That said, I used to date guys who WERE more controlling. They did not trust me with my guy friends. If they were single, they were going to try and get in my pants, regardless of what I say, because they don't respect him (the bf of the time) or the relationship. He used to make everything so personal, he didn't want me wearing a certain type of shirt or skirt or shoes because it didn't do something "right" or when someone bumped into me on the street and an akward smile was exchanged (I smile when I'm awkward), he'd want to beat the random passerby just out of protecting his pride and my virtue. There are insecure guys and girls out there that needs to know what their s.o are doing, who they are with, where they are doing what activity and if there are other girls in the location.
One of my fiance's best friends are in a relationship like that. She'd go clubbing with her friends with no problem with her bf but because she'd have a problem with him having a bar boys night with his friends, he'd have to make sure her plans overlap with his so she wouldn't bug him as much. She'd still bug him, where are you, when are you coming home and etc, etc. She'd glare at him if he's having a smoke or a cigar with his buddies on poker night. She'd nag and bitch until he'd NOT play poker with his buddies and drive her home.
See, it doesn't matter which gender, people do crazy things. Yes, they're insecure. Yes, they do it because they either believe what they demanded their significant other to "NOT DO", they'd do it behind their back so they nag, poke, check up, so they would follow THEIR rules. Men try to block out a girl's friend events so he wouldn't have to worry about other guys flirting or looking at "his" woman. Women will nag so much that "her man" would forfeit boys night just so he can avoid a fight, isolating him from the rest of his old buddies.
I'm sure you wouldn't turn into one of those women. You know what the problem is. You're discussing the issue of other women, I don't think you'd turn into a hypocrite and be so. But if you do, at least you'll know the symptoms to catch yourself and stop doing it. Otherwise, relationships won't last very long for you.
Good post!
It's called the pussy whip and some men just can't get by without it.
I never let a woman control me when I was in the dating pool.
I've seen both men and women who are like this. I think it comes down to their personal insecurities. I have enough trouble controlling me I certainly don't have time to keep up with controlling a man so he better be able to run without a leash or he won't be of interest to me.
I agree that you shouldn't act like you own a man but at the same time, I think it's reasonable to want to know what your partner is up to.
Calling every 30 minutes to check up on them is excessive but wanting to know what's going on isn't so bad. My husband likes to know where I'm at, too. It's not because we're jealous, it's because we care. Like with your teenage kids, you want to know where they are at and when they'll be home, not necessarily because you don't trust them but because you care and want to know where they are in case something happens.
Also, if my husband wants to go out drinking with his buddies, that's fine. But he would need to allow me to go out drinking without him as well. He doesn't like me out drinking without him and I don't like him going out drinking without me. That doesn't mean you can't go have ONE drink... it just means don't go get drunk. Mutual respect for each others wishes.
Depends on who you are with. Some people like being tied to someone else. My husband and I are pretty tied to each other but it's because we're best friends. We would just rather be with each other.
There is a difference between being happily attached and unhappily controlled.
I don't view this as "being on a leash." If he is continuously doing everything she wants and can't stand up for himself than of course, he's on the leash. What you describing is just women who obviously have trust and insecurities issues. I think it's two different subject altogether unless you are saying the girlfriend is insecure and the boyfriend obeys her every command than yah, he's on the lease and it's a pretty ugly relationship so to speak. But no, I don't control my man or be an insecure and psychotic wife. I let him do his thing with his boys and I do my own thing. I enjoy my alone time.. actually.
If you every got cheated on.. I don't think this blog would exist of whether trusting a man and putting him on a leash is a question. Just saying.
It clearly is something that both sexes do... However...
I think women probably do it a lot more... And part of the reason is brought up in the original post. It's because it's not seen as nearly as bad when a woman does it. For the most part, society thinks: "Yeah, that's what a girlfriend is supposed to do. I mean... You know how shitty guys are nowadays, don't you? They're always cheating and doing things that make them unworthy of trust."
Not trusting a woman though? THE NERVE!
For example, if she claims rape... She was OBVIOUSLY raped. Women don't lie. Women don't ever do anything that makes them unworthy of trust. Her word has much much more clout than his word. It's true in the macro world as well as in the micro world. Guys get burned by being too trusting of women all the time. And guys get burned for never being trusted ever by women.
I think a small level of 'clinginess' is harmless. It's what drives us to not want our partner to cheat. I ask my girlfriend where she is and/or what she's doing about 5-8 times a day. Mostly cuz I'm bored, and not because I'm insecure and think she's cheating on me or doing something I won't approve of. The more I kill the boredom, the less I'll ask her what she's up to. I don't think I've ever been upset over an answer she's given me. If she were to be frustrated with my asking 5-8 times a day, I'd stop in a heartbeat. But there is a healthy level of 'clinginess' in that I am interested in what she's up to. I think more women should tone it the fuck down and try a little bit of autonomy, and stop falling victim to all of your psycho insecurities. If anything, own up to your insecurites and recognize you have a problem, rather than trying to paint your partner as the one with the problem, and that's why you need to make sure he's on his best behavior at all times.
@Ladiiee@xanga - I suppose guys who have been cheated on should let their experiences dictate whether they put their next woman on a leash.
That's not at all letting your insecurities get the best of you.
That's not at all painting with a broad brush, rather than maybe, improving your selection of mates next time.
No I don't do that with the people I go out with because I absolutely HATE it when it's done to me. I am perfectly capable of being in a long-term relationship and not cheating and compromising but no one can literally tell me what to do. My parents could barely control me let alone anyone else. Plus I wouldn't bother being with someone if I didn't trust them already.
It is all person and situation pending.
As an example, my partner and I are battling major trust issues because of a great deal of cheating on his part among other things. We have decided we went to work this out and we want to fight for our relationship and in doing so, some thing needed to change.
Do I WANT to be one of those annoying women who calls, questions and nags all the time.. Y.E.S
Am I? No.
I've set up mature boundaries that we both agreed on, in writing. He can have his guy time, as long as it is responsible, I prefer to know where he is, so he sends me a text. I never call to question or check up on him, although he says he welcomes it if I ever did. He MUST be home at the time he says he will be home, and if he IS running late, he should at the very least text me.
The rules also go both ways. Even though I have never ever cheated, I do not hold him accountable to anything I do not hold myself accountable too. I always keep him up to date with where I am, who I am with, when I'll be home, if i'm running late etc etc etc. I feel it is only fair.
I used to let my jealousy show but now that I've found someone, who is more compatible with me and doesn't do things that would often make me annoyed since he is mostly a homebody and has respectable friends, then I don't feel that I'd have to worry as much. the guys in my past didn't pay that much attention to me, but that's because his level of interest wasn't similar with mine and/or he took me for granted. when my questions gradually stopped and the attention declined, some of them wonder and want me to pay more attention to them. it depends on the person. my current guy doesn't see my overprotectiveness as something psychotic or being clingy, but he finds it endearing and he loves it because the women in his past were the arrogant types, who didn't really care. so sometimes it is actually extreme and sometimes the person likes being on a leash lol my guy is proud to me mine
he tends to do what I want but he says that I'm not being unreasonable, but it should be done out of respect, so finding someone, who is understanding and madly in love with me are also factors. I also don't give attention to others because I'm so into him, so when both are overprotective and similar, it somehow works and doesn't seem negative but just right
each situation is different. when I'm not that into him, his attention seems obnoxious.
There have been instances in which I behave horribly with my husband, but that's usually after a massive blow-out. I don't normally call/text him when he's out with friends, with the exception of emergencies. We have both agreed we can spend time with our friends individually, proposed a spending cap and "curfew" (reasonable hour to be arriving home). I find that calling and bothering him constantly does not accomplish anything, if anything, it only makes him mad and he'll spend more and stay out later. That's counterproductive. I think some people are controlling because they do not trust their partner, and are insecure. I don't feel it is right for either gender to be so controlling with their significant others.
I do get a little jealous of the time that my boyfriend spends with his guy friends. And I do have my boyfriend whipped (he doesn't like to admit it). He would do anything for me, but I don't take advantage of that. I don't try to control him. I wish we could spend more time together. In all honesty, I wish we could see each other all day, every day. Haha. But, I know that he needs his personal space and his guy time. So I give that to him.
My fiance and I just freely tell each other what we're doing/where we're going. There's no reason not to.
Men AND women both have the potential to cheat. It's a matter of trust and open communication.
Nobody owns anyone and if you are having constant stress about your partner's whereabouts or what they are doing that you have to contact them every 30 minutes or so, you'll need to work on your insecurity and trust issues. The more you act this way, the further it will push them away. It's okay to be cautious, but if it's to the point where you are not allowing them to live their own life, then you need to reconsider your priorities before involving someone else in your life.
The only thing I have my bf do is text me when he gets to where he's going, and texts me when he's leaving. That way, I'm not worrying.
Although, I do get kind of jealous if he hangs out with girls.. it's not that I don't trust him, I don't trust them. He doesn't hang out with girls anymore, doesn't have any drama free girl friends, so, it's no big deal. But he used to have a lot of girl friends, and, I always had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind.My boyfriend and I have always had a strong mutual trust. We're teenagers, so it is different to this situation, but not by a lot.
I have always been a very insecure person, but I know better than to spazz out like some people can do. I always let my boyfriend know where I am going and he does the same with me. We both prefer to hang out with each other rather than our friends because we don't have social lives, but we both give each other space without going all out. I do get a little jealous sometimes if he talks about other girls, and he does the same when I talk about other guys, but overall, we have a great trust.
I wouldn't do it to someone else cuz I never liked it when it was done to me.
Some people are controlling. Unless you want to be controlled (some people want, even need, to be in their mind), stay away from these people, for any sort of relationship, including friendships. If you are usually a non-controlling person, and your SO is bringing out some controlling side in you, then save you both grief and be done with that shit. I'm am not controlling, but if I am with someone who acts so...ridiculous that it brings out that side of me, I don't need that.
My boyfriend and I are very open with our lives, so I don't ever feel too paranoid if we don't talk for a few hours. I wouldn't put myself in a situation he wouldn't like, and I don't think he would do it to me, either.
To the OP: I see you live in Switzerland. I'm so, so jealous. I studied abroad in Lugano in 2010 and have been dealing with Swiss-withdrawal ever since.
If you act like that, you are only pushing him away girls.... simple as that.