Monday, 23 January 2012
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Why Are So Many Couples Giving Up?
I just read of Heidi and Seal getting separated. What? It seemed that they were the strongest couple in Hollywood, renewing their vows each year. What went wrong? And I see this all around, couples get married, and then after just a couple of years calling it quits. Some call it quits after a few months. Then I look at my parents and their friends. They all going on to year 30 or so of marriage. Were they simply more in love, more suitable, or better fighters?
As a newlywed myself, the statistics scare me. Is the chance of the marriage making it past the 10 year mark really that low? What is going on here?
What do you think, what is the main reason for such a high divorce rate? Why do so many people leave their relationship after seeming to be so happy with one another? Is marriage a thing of the past in our society?
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- From: pinkdiffusion@xanga
- About Me: I am very outspoken, opinionated and adventure seeking individual. I enjoy conversation and cooking. I believe that life is not meant to be taken seriously, so we should love a little more, laugh a little louder and live a little bit more carelessly. I recently married the love of my life and am looking forward to all the wonderful adventures that lay ahead of us. I have friends lock but if you want to read my posts send me a request.
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Comments (140)
Marriage is a business arrangement. People forget that. Celebrities, with resources that are basically unlimited (compared to those of 'normal' people) don't need the business arrangement of marriage to survive. Hence, they can marry when they feel like it, and divorce when they want to. Us regular folks can't afford to do that, so we're stuck with each other.
Look at it this way. Men and women in some places of the world are forced into arranged marriages, where their families decide that the two of them should be married and bear children together. We hear stories of how those couples are miserable because they never got the chance to "date" and see if they could work it out in a long-term relationship.
But in all honesty, many of those men and women wind up falling madly in love with each other and stay married for the remainder of the lives. How does this work? Because they make it work.
I think many people lose sight of what a marriage is supposed to be. When you marry someone, you're supposed to be making a lifelong commitment, not something you can get out of when things fall to shit. I only believe in divorce in extreme circumstances (abuse, maybe continual cheating, etc.), not over things like "irrevocable differences" and " I'm just not in love with him anymore." When people marry I think they need to fully understand what they're getting themselves into. They need to understand that not only is marriage a hell of a lot of work, but also something that's going to bring along a lot of terrible and trying times. But when you marry you are CHOOSING to accept these truths and do whatever it takes to make it work, especially when there's kids involved.
My parents have been married for 31 years and they still love each other greatly. They go out to eat together often and are still very affectionate. Has it always been this way? No. There were YEARS when my parents fought constantly, where there were nights that my dad would leave the house to clear his head, where my mom said words so spiteful that I can still remember the tone of her hate today. My dad has even thought about divorce, and I'm sure my mom has too. But now they're both almost retired and ready to spend the remainder of their life together.
Why has their marriage been successful? I'm not entirely sure, but I know it has to do with the fact that they never gave up on each other.
The thought of marriage has scared me up until recently. Despite my parent's successful marriage, I'm still bombarded with divorce all around me. I truly was worried that someone wouldn't want to be with me forever, that the person would give up, call in quits. But I've met a man who understands what marriage is and I have hope. I think as long as you marry someone who understands what marriage is it will work out.
I think it is a combination of reasons why some (or many) people get divorced after a short while. Often people get married too hastily and forget about the work involved to make a marriage happen--they were more concerned about the wedding and not the marriage. A successful marriage involves several things, including (but not limited to) being compatible, being in love, supportive of each other's choices and helping each other grow and evolve as a person. I agree with @Superman_aka_NEPP@xanga, people who stay married make an effort in continuing the marriage.
I agree with the people who commented before me.
The statistics of marriage are changing for a few reasons:
1- With celebrities, they marry because they can. Meaning, they have a lot of money so they can afford it (and can afford to get divorced also), it puts them even more in the spotlight, and there is a financial benefit.
2- Some people seem don't seem to understand the purpose of marriage. Some think if they have problems in their relationship that marriage will solve them. Newsflash: If you're having problems in your dating life, getting married won't fix them. Some get married because they think they are "supposed" to...because they think it means they're successful, etc. While I do value marriage, I wouldn't get married just for the fact of doing it.
People who love each other and want to be married will get married and stay married. -- Of course there's always going to be some couples who split because of usual reasons (they grow apart, difference of opinions, cheating, etc) But most people who marry for the right reasons and want to make it work will.
In the past few generations, the family structure has changed from a strict heirarchy to a partnership of equals, caused and perpetuated by a changing way that kids were brought up. We don't teach girls that their most important responsibility is to be a good wife and mother anymore. This has huge ramifications when you get to marriage.
I don't think it needs to go away; I just think society is in a transition period from centuries of patriarchy to equality and partnership, and we're redefining how marriage works and what we're looking for out of it. Personally, I think it's endured as long as the human race and is not going away anytime soon. It may change, but it won't disappear.
As for your marriage, I would say the fact that you are worried about it says a lot for how it will work out. If you're willing to make concessions to make it work, then it will work.
That's easy. Because people finally are starting to realize you don't need a significant other to be happy or successful, and in fact having one can often impede you from this.
People are more independent and career/goal oriented these days (which I would say is a good thing). When career starts taking precedence, relationships mean less. This is one of the many reasons that marriage isn't for me.
I agree with most of the points that everyone has made already. But there is also something else to be said. I think some people are realizing that most of the time they get into a relationship for the sake of being in one. There is no sense in staying if you're not happy. As humans we don't even need to be in relationships, we just need to be fairly social and form connections to an extent. Sometimes you try to make it work but if it's going on years and still not fucking working then what the hell are you wasting your time for? Plus some people find it easy to be connected with most people. Not everyone is like that. I can see myself spending my life with one other person for the rest of my life but they have to be a very specific kind of person and they have to be able to handle certain things. Which is exactly why I am taking my search for that person slowly and careful. And if I never find them? Oh well. At least I didn't waste my life going from marriage to marriage trying to "make it work". Then again I know exactly what I want in a person. Not many people do.
the problem is that people aren't popping out enough kids. when you have 4 or 5 kids and you're married, you're much less likely to get divorced. having kids is also a great way to reignite the spark in your relationship when you feel like things are getting bland.
There are a lot of unrealistic expectations in relationships. Also, unwillingness to face the responsibilities of being in a marriage.
To be fair, fame and fortune does put an added stress to celebrity marriages so I wouldn't look to Hollywood as a reference to how marriage is doing in America.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Please tell me you were joking about that. Statistics actually show that childfree couples tend to be happier than childed couples.
Of course, correlation doesn't equal causation, but that statement was asinine.
The statistics are only scary if you have not actually looked at them. For a first time marriage the odds of you being married until one of you dies is well over 60%. Divorce rates are not climing they are droping
The problem with marriage these days lies within the individuals within the marriage. I think people struggle finding the balance between forgiving and being taken for granted, as well as between being self-righteous and finding self-worth. There is a fine line between both of those comparisons. And so often we are choosing to be self-righteous because that is what is portrayed as confident. We have this eye-for-an-eye ideology which causes us to take others for granted when we feel we are wronged. It's so much thought of the self as oppose to the couple and what is best for the other. We are taught these days to look out for #1, and we have labeled ourselves as #1 because if we don't look out for ourselves, who will? But that's the whole point... placing your life in someone else's hands. Trusting them to always take care of you and be by your side, whether right or wrong. People want to be independent but when you fall in love you lose all that independence because you, in fact, need the other to live a complete and happy life. They treat the vow as something dispensable, but it is supposed to be a life-long commitment, and that is truly the biggest disappointment: our shift in values has become so materialistic that love doesn't stand a chance.
I think the points that most people are making are good ones; however, I think the main reason why people are getting divorced all the time lies in the way our society views love. A lot of people view love as passionate, romantic, they are the only one for me, I can't live without them, blah blah. Yes, love is all of those things, but he passion inevitably declines after a number of years, and I think a lot of people don't realize that that's a normal process. What sticks around is the level of commitment you have toward each other and the intimacy you have. If your lover is also your best friend, then it makes it a lot easier to live with each other when the "hot" romance fades a bit.
Also, when you first get married, everything seems so new and fresh, and the future is perceived as the two of you walking into a glorious sunset together, living happily ever after. People get bored by the lack of newness in their long-time marriage and somehow attribute it to the actual "love" being gone. You can combat this by trying something new and stimulating every now and then with your partner, and realizing that just because you don't have butterflies in your stomach doesn't mean that you aren't right for each other.
I think our society is plagued by super unrealistic expectations about love and romance, instead of considering what love is really all about.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - actually, research shows that after having kids, marriage satisfaction actually goes down. Nice try though.
Divorce rates are generally higher in countries where both genders enjoy a certain level of economic independence, or have for several generations (if such independence has been maintained for a long period of time, the attitudes towards divorce are lessened). When you also add in no-fault divorce laws and questionable (at best) laws governing child support and alimony, divorce becomes an attractive option - and also why most divorce initiators are women.
Many people forget that marriage developed under very different circumstances than the ones in which it is being practiced today. The laws have not yet caught up to people's changing perspectives on marriage. Nowadays with more control over our economic well-being, people, especially women, have the luxury of talking about lovey-dovey stuff when it comes to marriage. The problem, of course, is that marriage isn't merely about the metaphysical and abstract - it involves a very real, concrete merging of properties. Thus, people are not prepared to handle the real-world housekeeping that marriage entails. It's the equivalent of saying you love babies because they're cute and adorable and make funny noises, and then having a baby of your own and realizing how much work goes into keeping those babies in good health.
@trunthepaige@xanga - I'd think that divorce rates are dropping because the economy is so bad right now. People want to preserve whatever savings they can, and taking advantage of tax benefits is a simple way to do that.
@GagaMonster - Too true. I think a lot of people get caught up in the glamorous aspects of marriage, like the wedding, etc., without really bothering to consider how much work marriage really can be.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - No its been dropping since the 1980 peak. generally speaking people talk about divorce rates in total ignorance but they talk think they know what they are talking about.
@trunthepaige@xanga - Ah, I see. Do you think it has something to do with a new generation of people who witnessed the effects of divorce and not wanting to repeat those mistakes?
The main reason for the high divorce rate is that people quit. They decide it's not fun anymore and they simply quit.
some people just don't work on their relationship so they just give up
I read all of your responses and they all great. There are a lot of ideas. I agree with everyone, there are a lot of reasons why marriages quite, I think the two main ones are: 1. People get married for the thrill of it, wedding etc. and 2. People give up when things get hard and say the drifted apart instead of trying to keep the flame going.
I see too often around me (friends and family, those that read my Kids in the relationship post will know what I am talking about) how people rush into marriage after knowing each other for a few month and get caught up with planning a crazy expensive wedding. My husband's cousin and his fiance (a person he knows for a year) are in half a million dollars in loans as it is and they are throwing two weddings. Me and my husband had a small intimate wedding with family and close friends. We got out of the wedding with a surplus. We started our life together financially independent. They are starting their life together with half a million dollars in loans if not more. He is a construction worker and she is a beginner lawyer who wants to switch into education. I think they getting so caught up with the wedding that they don't see that what comes next is more important. It's really sad how people don't realize what MARRIAGE is and think that its just a next move like in the SIMS game.This is so sad. Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis just broke up recently. They never married but they have 2 kids.
I guess people do not realize how much hard work they had to deal with. Love may not be enough sometimes. We need something strong and secure to bind love to us. Or else it will just run away.
We need love and love needs us.
I've heard that generally people who are married are happier and live longer. It was in some article that I am too lazy to Google right now.
Also when you look at the 50% statistic, also look into your demographic. You may (or may not) be surprised at how it changes. Most marriages in Hollywood are difficult to maintain (and statistics reflect this I believe). So I wouldn't worry too much about your new fledgling marriage. :) Unless you are like secretly some famous movie star! ;)