Sunday, 22 January 2012
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Don't Lose Your Friends
When John and Liz began dating this past summer, I couldn't have been more happy for them. Despite being completely different people, they were both my friends and both had good character qualities.
I had been friends with John for years and he was a confidant-- someone I would talk to about an issue or event when I didn't feel comfortable talking to other friends. Liz was someone I knew for many years but had just become close with about a month prior.In the early days of their relationship, I saw them together somewhat frequently. As one of their only mutual friends, they invited me along on plans with them. One time, they even attempted to set me up with one of their friends. (Disaster. Yikes.)
I was pretty much becoming the girl version of Ted on 'How I Met Your Mother.'
Then one night, it all changed. John, another guy friend of ours and I, all went out for a late night dinner while Liz was up at school. When he told Liz while we were at the table, she called him in an absolutely furious state, peeved that he would see me without her. It never happened again.
As time progressed and summer turned into fall, I met my current boyfriend. And, oddly enough, around the same time, John and Liz began to slip away. Conversations with John became rare and curt, until one day he stopped responding when I would try to talk to him.
Liz would make plans, just to blow them off without a word of apology. Their relationship became all show. My Twitter timeline clogged with mushy conversations and brutal fights between the two of them.
My Facebook newsfeed highlighted statuses John would post, boasting about how much in love and how great of a girlfriend Liz was. No other females appeared on his page anymore, other than Liz. She was just as ridiculous on her page.I could have hidden the stories from the two of them until they got tired of each other, but I didn't. I deleted them from my friends list and my Twitter followers.
John and Liz got so lost in each other that they lost the people who cared about them in the meantime. I will only exert so much effort in maintaining a friendship before cutting it out of my life.
As the new year begins, many people have been buzzing about the phenomenon of decluttering your life. By making the concrete decision to remove them from my mind, I've begun to make room for people who actually care about maintaining friendships while in new circumstances.
My relationship with my boyfriend is fantastic thus far. I see him maybe twice a week and make time for my friends whenever possible. We encourage each other to work toward our independent goals and keep in contact with people we care about. Our relationship is ours, not the world's.
Have you ever lost yourself in another person? How do you handle losing friends to the charms of their new beau?
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- From: mirrorslie@xanga
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Comments (29)
you could do what i do, and only befriend people who are perpetually single and like going out and having fun. you know what they say: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
every time i go to a club and see an odd wheel out, i think to myself...wow, your life fucking sucks. what further confuses me is when i see said wheel rejecting all the guys that go to talk to her.
My boyfriend is my best friend.
You know, I have lost a friend because they thought I was too happy, they didn't want to bring me down. Ain't that some shit?! What it translates to is, "I am jealous of your happiness and can't stand it or want to be around it."
Ridiculous. I had a friend in which, she never wanted to hang out without her man. Ever. She thought we were disrespecting him by not inviting him to our girl time. @_@ Lost her as a friend. You win some, you lose some.@ShirleyD@xanga - Haha, I heard that too earlier this month! I hadn't heard from a friend for awhile, so I asked if something was wrong, and she told me she had been giving me some space so I could enjoy my new relationship. I was like, uhhh? What? I am completely capable of shuffling my boyfriend and friends! People are crazy sometimes.
At the very beginning of our relationship, I happened to have lost in touch with some of my friends. I was so lost in my own world and they also gave me my space. But that caused some kind of disaster in my relationship as I became more and more clingy to my SO since he became the only one to hang out with, to talk to about my daily events, etc. When he didn't get enough space on his own, we started to have fights on a daily basis. When I became miserable, my girl friends suggested that I should hang out with them more and we started to stay in touch again (more than ever). And now, I hang out with my girl friends in the evenings and on the weekends too much so that I didn't even have time for my boyfriend sometimes. Funny how life is.
It happened with a few of my friends ;( I don't think I've entirely ever lost myself in a relationship but I came very close so many times before.
I have never lost myself completely but the most important thing to remember is that your true friends will always be there for you and are more important than anything else. It is never worth losing a close friend.
<li class="itemtimestamp">1/23/2012 4:20 AMpelvicaliectasis
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Excellent topic! :)
Ugh yeah. I used to drop everything for one guy who would completely neglect our "relationship" or whatever it was at the time, and go running every time he called. Didn't matter if I had plans, or he had cancelled plans with me time after time. I feel really bad about it now because I know it sort of alienated some of my friends, but the friends I have now were all understanding. Thank goodness I pushed that guy out of my head!
@lewk@xanga - I agree.
I've been there, and I regret ever losing sight on the people that mattered. I dated my best friends cousin, me and her eventually stopped talking right away because she didn't like the idea (totally her fault).. and then my other best friends and I started to slip away because they didnt like him and vice versa. I tried to make everyone else happy, and eventually stopped talking to my friends because I never agreed with them treating my boyfriend like crap, because I didn't like their husband/boyfriends. I moved in with my boyfriend, everything was good for a year, and then things changed and I felt alone. And BAD things happened. NOW, I rekindled my friendship with my bestest friend, and we both apologized. More so me, because I shouldn't have let my life become the relationship.. You should ALWAYS have a life with someone in a relationship, but a life with friends/family as well.
That's pretty fucked up!
I don't get why people do that stuff.......I've been caught up in a boyfriend before but not so much to where I forget that other people exist.
Shit happens. Honestly, I've never been involved with a group of people, and all this drama never really happens. The only time I'm furious with my current BF is when he lies about who he's with, just because he thinks I'll flip out.
Lying makes me flip out.. not women. Especially if I've met her before! Pfft.
I hate FB posts that should be private messages. Some people need to get a life. Great article.
I almost lost all of my male friends in my last relationship because my ex thought it was weird to talk to them. So I stopped for him. Big mistake. Turns out he was a big douche bag. At least guys don't hold grudges haha.
sucks when that happens
Your friends need to be her friends too to make it work and vice versa.
Sadly, I ditched my friends at the beginning of my relationship. Luckily, my real friends and I were able to make amends after I finally got my head out of my a$$. We were young, and stuff happens. Thankfully, nowadays we can respect each other to give each other time and space when we need it. We're all busy adults with responsibilities, we can't expect for each other to be sitting around at home waiting for us to call (text/IM/whatever). I learned that you can have a boyfriend and still keep your friends. In fact, I think it's a great idea to have regular contact with your friends. Just because you are with someone, it doesn't mean it's all about your bf/gf. I am married now, and I make plans at least once a week to spend time with a friend. It could be just chatting over a cup of coffee for an hour, going out to dinner, shopping, etc. I even have a friend who I cook with once every 2 weeks, trying something new and different each time. Everyone should learn the art of balancing everything in their life: spouse, children, work, household chores and friends (no particular order of importance). Also, you don't have to spend time with each individually all the time. Sometimes you can have a couples' night and invited friends who are coupled up, or invite several friends to chat over a bottle of wine.
@ShirleyD@xanga - So true! You can't make everyone happy. However, I do feel that your friend showed you disrespect by inviting him to your girl time. He survived without her being around 24/7, I'm sure he would have been just fine without him for a few hours. He certainly could have spent time with HIS friends while she was with you.
I don't let a guy dominate my life and monopolize my time, but if I don't see him that often, once every or every other week, I'd probably choose to see him before seeing my friends. Really, it's been a "whoever claims my time first" kinda thing. My best friend and I are very similar in this regard and aren't going to ditch each other necessarily for a guy, but we aren't going to get petty about the other spending more time with a SO.
So yeah, balance and understanding. Good stuff.
im glad you managed to let go of them.and happy for you that you have and that your nicely settled in your relationship and no your priorities. i no exactly what you mean this happened to me only couple of days ago it got so stupid and it was them to who both deleted me when i did nothing wrong at all some times you cant please everyone. And when someone gets so wrapped up with each other they think it will last forever and that they dont need anyone else when in actual fact one day they will. I bet you in couple of months or even longer that some think will happen to there relationship and they l wanna be back in contact with you and what you to be there shoulder to cry on. but this time it be you descion if you wanna let them back in not there. hope everything works out ok for you xx
Well, my social life with my ex from a couple of years ago kind of revolved around him... but part of that was because I just didn't have a whole lot of girl friends to begin with while we were dating (I didn't blow them off). Anyway, it sucked because as soon as things weren't so great with us, I didn't have a whole lot of people to spend time with, so I would end up lonely or too needy when he didn't want to hangout (I'm sure it all didn't help the relationship as a whole either - though now I'm glad we broke up!) Yeah... same thing that happens to people who purposely blow of their friends for a SO and then it ends..,. Suddenly there's just a big empty spot where their social life once was.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Orrrr she could be taken, and hanging out with her married friends, of whom she was friends with both persons before marriage.
Also: as a lady, it's okay to reject guys advances when you are out alone or with friends, single or taken. It's okay for a girl not to want to talk to a man when she is out enjoying a night alone.
I don't care very much if that happens...usually it's the first love, or they aren't really in love and need to to prove it or something. I wouldn't unfriend anyone. But then , I see facebook as a possibility to stay in touch or revive contancts with people who are NOT close to me.
I don't think I'd ever get lost in a person...I hate when someone gets "too close".
I am happy that you managed to find the balance for your happiness.
Recently I had to choose between my girlfriend and friends. I stay far away from her and had gone back just for a week. I wanted to spend time with both friends and her. However things became a mess and she asked me to ditch them.
I did once, but then she asked again. I refused. She went home crying and feeling betrayed. While I regret hurting her and feel bad, I don't think I did the wrong thing.
I have been trying to talk to her and find our balance, but she hasn't forgiven me, and that has driven a huge wedge between us.
I totally get what u mean when you said "I will only exert so much effort in maintaining a friendship before cutting it out of my life."
However it seems to be applying to my relationship not friendship. Hope stuff works out.
All the best to you.