Sunday, 22 January 2012
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Friends to Partners?
A few years ago I attended a small specialty college where I met this girl. By the time we were done there she and I had become pretty good friends and hung out a few times. I knew at I kind of liked her, as we could talk for hours and we have so much in common (this is a fact that both her and I realize and acknowledge).
We hadn't seen each other for about a year and a half before today. Sure, we had made plans to hang out, but they had fallen through for one reason or another; but today we went out for lunch and just talked for about two hours.
I know this is going to sound like a cliche, but at times it seemed like we were finishing each other's sentences. I was immediately drawn back to that same spot that I was a few years ago, where I could definitely see myself liking her and us possibly having a very strong relationship together.Just recently however, she entered into a relationship with this guy online. It is a new relationship (only 2 weeks), but she does have some connections with the guy. Her friend's friend is cousins with this guy (I hope that made sense). She has had some real bad luck with men doing LDR's, but she seems to want to try it again.
Now I'm a very respectful guy so I don't go out of my way to show her that I'm interested. I also don't presume to think she'd even want to think about me in a potentially romantic way.
I don't know if I should even tell her that I like her. I don't really feel like being rejected and I'm afraid that if I tell her and she doesn't feel the same way that it will scare her away and that it will ruin our friendship.
Does anyone have any thoughts?
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Maverickman87@xanga
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Comments (30)
Tell her. You'll regret it if you don't.
Just tell her I am married to my best friend now and I sure wish I had told him how I felt 27 years ago because I am sure that we would have not when through the hell relationships that we had with our ex's...but we were both afraid of rejection and ruining our friendship
Tell her! My boyfriend and I were friends at first and hung out quite a bit as just friends - always spending the whole night talking to each other when we saw each other at our favorite little bar... Heck, he even knew about a crush I had on someone else, but I was always kind of attracted to him :) Anyways, my friends were the ones who gave him the final push because they thought we'd be great together... So the night that they told him that they thought we'd make a great couple (when I was in the restroom... ) he kissed me for the first time, and I forgot all about that other guy. That was almost ten months ago and he just flew up here to visit me for a long weekend :) I'm happy he made the move because I don't think I would have done it.
Tell her. An online LDR is not a real relationship. (Yeah I'm going to catch flack for that.) If telling her ruins your friendship, she's not mature enough to begin with and you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her. Good luck!
DO NOT TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guys who share their feelings with women, especially if said women can't feel the same way back, only shoot themselves in the foot and make things worse. Women see said guys as wussies who are seeking approval. When you tell a woman that you like her when she can't feel the same way back, she has all the power and control and she can do what she pleases, which means shutting you out for good if she feels uneasy about the situation.
I wish you the best.
i think this one's a lost cause, tbh.
and seriously, after a year and a half of not seeing this girl, you shouldn't be pining over her still.
Why did it take her entering a relationship for you to want to tell her how you felt?
@heythereJOANN@xanga - totally agree. tell her. take the risk, buddy.
All my previous relationships was with my best friend. I think this all depends on how strongly you feel for the person...if the feelings aren't that strong...then let it go...but if you're like me...who falls madly in love with my best friend...then do be honest. So that you'll have no regrets. So far...my track record on confessing to my best friends...are 50/50. But I can tell you that I never once regret confessing because at least you know the answer instead of standing on the sideline and watching her get hurt by other men. if you feel strongly about someone...it's worth the risk. Being in a relationship with a best friend is...worth the risk. If, by you confessing, it ended your relationship, maybe it's for the best...That way it'll be easier for you to move on.
Just tell her even if it kills your friendship. The feeling of her being that "what if" girl would feel worse than ending the friendship.
So you forgot about her for over a year and now all of a sudden when she's unattainable and appears happy you want to go for it?
Typical.
>Now I'm a very respectful guy so I don't go out of my way to show her that I'm interested.
why is it disrespectful to show someone you like them?
If you tell her, you're putting the ball into her court. You're giving her the power to either make the next step or to let it die out. But that means nothing to your friendship. If you can act the same as you do now, regardless of whether she accepts your invitation to become more than just friends, then nothing should change. I've kept very healthy friendships with all of my ex boyfriends so if it is possible to go from more than friends to just friends and be fine, then it is also possible to fail that attempt to go from being friends to more, and still be fine. Hope that made sense, haha. But know this, you are never promised tomorrow. And honesty is always the best policy. No use hiding your feelings from her. If it's meant to be, it will find a way. May sound cliche, but it's the truest thing anyone could ever tell you. Good luck! I hope she chooses you.
You're going to be stuck in the friends zone. Thus, you need to tell her, and then obviously quit being the friend. Get her attention. Don't let her take you for granted. Tell her you have feelings for her, and it's not going to work out as friends while she dates another guy.
It's selfish, and unfair, but you know what? Being stuck in the friends zone sucks worse, especially when she comes back and complains about how badly he treats her, or how the LDR isn't working out, etc.
She's only two weeks into this relationship. If you don't tell her now, you may never have a chance to. If you really think she's worth fighting for, then fight for her. Losing her friendship is better than living with the regret and what-ifs the rest of your life. Be a man, take a chance. After just two weeks in a relationship, it's not too late.
BUT...if she doesn't return your feelings, then be respectful of that. And be satisfied with the fact that you manned up and had more guts than most people would in your situation.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
-Katie
Since you have feelings for her, and have HAD feelings for her you can't really say you have a friendship, alone. I don't know how I could ever be JUST friends with someone I have feelings for. Tell her how you'll feel or you'll spend the rest of your life holding back your feelings and possibly losing out on what has the potential to be a great relationship. Good luck. Also, I agree with @TiredSoVeryTired@xanga a long distance relationship is nothing to be worried about, it's rare that it will grow into something more deep.
Rejection is always a possibility but in life you always regret the things you didn't do rather than the things you did. Something very similar happened to me about 2 months ago, except I was the girl talking to a "new" guy and you were the guy I had great chemistry with that I hadn't seen in a couple years. This guy called me up one night after work and told me how he felt about me and yes it took me aback and I told him I couldn't give him an immediate answer but now 2 months later it's becoming more difficult to see life without him. I've stopped talking to the "new" guy because I feel something real with this guy that wasn't there with anyone else.
Now it's true that each case is different but if for some reason I totally would've rejected him, at least he would have the peace knowing that he had made the effort.
tell her!!! go for it! you've got everyone on xanga rooting for you lol
Yeah, I've got a thought.
She's dating someone. So shut the hell up.If she becomes single, say something.I've lost best friends because they'd tell me that they want to "date" me seriously and I did not reciprocate in that thought process. to me, my best guy friends are guy friends. My s.o. can be a best friend of mine but my best guy friend cannot be my s.o. does that make sense? hmmm....
I think you should really ask yourself... "if she doesn't feel the same way and she says that she has never felt 'romantic' towards me, could I deal with the rejection and be okay with just remaining as her friend? Can I be okay with the distance and potential awkwardness that she might be feeling from me because of this confession?"
If you answered that you can deal with the possibility that a) she doesn't feel the same for you and has never have thought of you that way and b) you could overcome the akwardness that she might feel/display when you are talking to her because she's weirded out by you, then go for it. But if you're not even considering that she MIGHT not feel the same way for you and this COULD very well create a canyon between your friendship, which has already suffered a 1.5 yr gap while you did not see her, then is that worth it? Yes, you feel strongly towards her. Yes, you two shared some chemistry of common interests, values and even magical ending-each-other's sentences, but it might just collapse your friendship never to be revived again.
My case? Two out of my 4 guy friends asked me out seriously, they waited before I ended a relationship or two, to confess that they've been feeling this way for me but could not approach the subject because of timing. When I explained that I had NEVER perceived them in a "romantic" boyfriend light, it got weird. The two guys that said they were okay if we were just friends acted REALLY weird. When we'd hug, it'd be so awkward because a simple gesture to someone else (another buddy) would make them jealous or upset, even though they said they can deal with us just being friends. Then they'd want me to set them up with my single girl friends; when I do find one they were interested, they get upset that I'd pawn them off so quickly even though they asked for it! When I can't find a girl friend that was interested in the buddies, they accuse me of taking advantage of them and their potential happiness because I'm jealous! Eventually, we drift. Too many stupid emotional drama and crap that I don't need to deal with from my GUY FRIENDS. I have lost two fo my best 4 guy friend groups. It's sad because we were friends since high school. *sigh*
So, proceed with caution. Check the waters. And ask yourself WHY it took you so bloody long to get this FEELING-PROCESS out in the open because maybe, you're ignoring things to make magic happen? Good luck
@articulate_silence@xanga - I agree that you should serioiusly think about why it is that now that she's unavailable, you want to tell her.
But, if you genuinely believe you care about her, it's not just you wanting what you can't have, then tell her. Tell her tell her tell her!
If your heart is in the right place, and you plan to tell her you'll be her friend no matter what, and you understand what a hard place this puts her, now being in a relationship, hopefully she'll see how much you don't wanna mess with her life ... only let her know all her options.
Good luck!
Okay, this may sound awkward: don't TELL her. Just make a move! Be playful, flirty, funny, and confident, and find ANY excuse you can to touch her in small ways - a small punch in the arm, a poke in the sides, what have you. Her response to these things will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know WITHOUT giving away your hand - it may even sway her into your favor!
Keep it up, and it SHOULD work itself out perfectly!
I'm so glad you said partners, instead of girlfriend. Or some other shit like that.
You haven't seen her for a year and a half. I think thats a long enough time to risk a friendship to potentially have something more, and honestly...if she thinks of you as THAT good of a friend, its unlikely she wants to lose you in her life either! I've actually been in this same situation (or..similar) in which a guy I had liked for about a year prior (and was one of my best friends) told me he liked me (and had for a year) two weeks into my new relationship.
I was faced with a decision. Either give up on my new boyfriend, who I had only had an interest in for a month prior, or give him the benefit of the doubt and tell my friend that even though I had liked him, I needed to give my boyfriend a chance.
I chose the latter. I can't say it was the right decision, or that either would have worked out better. We are still great friends and I wouldn't want him out of my life for anything. I can't say your friend likes you the same way I liked him, but there is always a chance. At the very least you could make it known that you like her, with no pressure to change anything. Good luck!
Don't tell her when she's in a relationship -__-
Wait until she's out and if you still have feelings for her, let her know. A lot of times girls will pull away from the guy because of it and it may change or ruin the friendship, but if she's a true friend then things will just go back to the way it was before. And yes, it can work out and everything can stay the same.