Friday, 20 January 2012
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Sex as a Pawn
Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine who told me she hadn't had sex with her boyfriend in a while. I asked her if she was crazy, and she said no. She said she was still angry at him for something he had said to her and was putting him "on punishment." (Her words, not mine.) Mind you, they still talk and joke and their relationship is fine in most other aspects - she just refuses to have sex with him. I just shook my head, and her other friend, who didn't know me well, asked me what was wrong with it.
Let me say this, ladies... I feel that using sex in a reward/punishment system is wrong.
I have never used sex as a pawn to get what I want or prove a point. A lot of people, men especially, will say "It's a quick way to drive a man to cheat." That, in my opinion, is bullshit, but that's a totally different topic in and of itself. However, it IS a quick way to drive a wedge into your relationship. It's a simple thing, really. I like sex. I like how sex feels. I like how sex feels with the man I love. Period. And if we are in a relationship and he's not getting any, then I am not getting any either, and THAT is a problem. If he IS getting some and I'm not, it's an even bigger problem. Am I making sense?
I can be mad as hell, we can argue and fight, but I would never hold back sex. Often times, when we argue, we are both mad anyway, and neither of us are really "in the mood" for a day or two. Maybe it's a miscommunication issue - the other party gets mad about something that the person doesn't even know that they said/did. Such is the case with my best friend. Her boyfriend doesn't even know that he had made her that angry.
In the end, I told her that she needs to sit him down and actually talk to him about the issues. She didn't like the idea, but she's not one for any sort of uncomfortable confrontations. It's her relationship, so if her boyfriend isn't too upset about it, that's him. If it was me, and my boyfriend was refusing to have sex, I don't think I could let it go for weeks. Or even days....
Have you or someone you known ever used a lack of sex to manipulate others?
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- From: ThaPlatinumOne@xanga
- Name: Shannon
- About Me: Model, Mother, Student. I hold no punches. Hippie at heart. Hit me up on Twitter! @ThaPlatinumOne
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Comments (70)
that is terrible and VERY passive aggressive and probably the reason sex often fades from most long term relationships. it's silly. if i'm angry with my boyfriend you know what i do ? TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT! sometimes its hard to do, sometimes it'll be a fight for a few days, but we solve it, things get way better and then guess what - sex is even awesomer because we solved a problem together! TADA!
anyway, what your friend is doing is immature, selfish (? unless you like sex, which, you should), and not nearly rational.
Someone that immature probably shouldn't be having sex anyway.
I don't know what she's mad about. But I know that if I had a boyfriend who did that to ME without actually discussing whatever it was he was mad about first, I'd be done with that nonsense very quickly.
Real women use their minds as weapons, not sex. Just the fact that she is doing that shows her immaturity.
With no offense to your taste in friends, but how is using sex as a bargaining chip different from prostitution?
I don't think this is healthy or mature.
If you're using sex as a tool, I don't believe you're mature enough to be having sex.
I don't think withholding anything solves any relationship problems. Be it sex, food, comfort w/e. Most people and men in general do not register that they have done something to upset you unless you TELL them what upset you. Women to men are very confusing creatures as it is, and you start withholding things without explaining your feelings, this will lead to bigger problems. I think your friend should just tell her boyfriend what is upsetting her instead of playing games, in which she is going to loose.
Bleh, I stop being mad at my husband because I want to have sex. Its a problem because he never realizes how mad things actually make me and that what he did hurt me or whatever. Blehhhhhh. I never say no to sex.
I think instead of withholding sex to hurt someone who has hurt you, you should have sex, feel great about it, and then slam your partner after the orgasm (when he/she is feeling amazing) with the meanest things you can think of (:
That'll prove your point much better than abstaining from sex altogether. Because hey, why should you suffer as well?
^ Of course, that is also immature and I don't recommend it. But just saying :p
My own ex-wife did, and it DID drive a MASSIVE wedge through not only our relationship - hence the EX-wife (SHE left ME, by the way) - but through my own ego. I was already struggling with depression, she began witholding not only sex, but any kind of touch (even hugs) AND most conversation! The only time she treated me like a human was when we had company.
Obviously, it sucked, and even now, SIX YEARS LATER, I'm still working through it all!
Don't do it, ladies. It's a fast route to FAR worse things.
Why can't people just TALK about their problems?
I'd dump a bitch for that.
I have never. Sex is not payment to dole out or withhold. If one/both of us are pissed then we obviously aren't having sex but it isn't for punishment.
I have known people do use sex as a means to getting what they want. Pretty..blech.
Withholding love from someone to get something is wrong! It would be like not hugging you kid or reading them a story at night because they didn't clean their room... think about that!
I understand being too angry or upset with someone to want to be intimate with them, but it is very immature and stupid to use sex as reward/punishment. That's a good way to ruin a relationship.
Please tell your friend to grow up and learn how to communicate. With-holding sex from her boyfriend will not fix her issues. It's very immature.
I agree with you 100%. I never withold sex...ever. If I'm not in the mood--which is rare--I get myself in the mood quick. The truth is, I don't believe in manipulating your SO with sex. Instead, I see it as a great way to improve your connection with your SO. When are you closer to each other than when you're having sex? So even if I'm not in the mood, it's a chance to strengthen our bond...and who am I to get in the way of that?
-Katie
@RulerofMasons@xanga - While not everyone may enjoy sex, those who do shouldn't be vilified for it. To equate sex to something dirty and sinful is just ignorant. While you see it as a way of the devil manipulating our hearts, for most it is expressing what is in their hearts eg love for their partner, exploring their inner self, hopes, desires as cliched as that might be. Sex is not merely a procreative tool.
Sex shouldn't even be a factor if you aren't even married. But if you are having sex, it's definitely a misuse to use it as a tool for control or to justify your own temper tantrum.
If you honestly feel hurt and haven't mended the issue that's creating a separation, it's understandable to not want sex. Sex is MEANT to bring to people together. Using sex as the tool that keeps that separation ongoing (regardless of the original issue) is flat-out selfish.
I'm a Christian and certainly have a more Biblical foundation for why I see sex the way I do. But I'm sure we all can agree that if anyone is having sex because they love the other person, they using sex as a tool isn't love. It's a sign of immaturity.
My sister in law has put my brother on suspension because he doesn't want kids yet. She figures if she can't get pregnant, why have sex. So until my brother decides he wants kids, he ain't getting any.
@Kitty_one_piece@xanga - I bet Christians that claim that sex is only for procreating purposes will support this act
@pinkdiffusion@xanga - they very will might. I think she'll eventually see how silly that is. Sex is just too much fun to only be use for 1 reason.
Oh gosh. That's a great way to get your point across.....not. It's a horrible way to go about "winning" an argument. In a relationship, it should never be about winning, it should be about working on your relationship, which means talking about your problems.
@pinkdiffusion@xanga - @Kitty_one_piece@xanga - I'm a Christian......not on of the christians that claim it's only for procreation though. :P
God created sex not only as a means of procreation, but also as a means of intimacy (and pleasure and enjoyment) with your spouse.
I've never been able to have sex with a boyfriend when I'm angry at him. I've never had to try and withhold sex from him; when I'm angry, there is just no way I'll be able to get into that mood.