Thursday, 19 January 2012
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Are Kids a Relationship Deal Breaker?
I seem to be provoking many controversial topic discussions so here is another one. My husband's cousin was dating a girl five years ago and four month after they broke up, she called him to inform him that she was five months pregnant and was keeping it. Let's call the guy Bob. So Bob tried to make the relationship work for the sake of the kids (she was pregnant with twins), and they tried for years.
The woman was extremely jealous and they would end up having crazy fights almost daily. He moved out of the country to come to the U.S. by work visa and would go back to her twice a year and try to work it out. They would go on family vacations with kids, etc. Each time he went we thought he would marry her and bring her with him. He never did. He said that he cannot live with a crazy person, and would never marry her. Yet in a few month he would go to her again, stay in her house with the kids, and promise her their future together.
About a year ago he met a woman in the U.S. and they started dating without letting the mother of his children know. Well, she found out. His new woman is over the top with PDA. She is so annoying with it that many of his friends refuse to hang out with him when she is there. She posted a picture of her and him making out on Facebook and surprise surprise, the baby mama saw it. Well, about six month into their relationship she started pressuring him to propose to her.
They went together to his home country so she could meet the kids. When the mother of the kids found out about the relationship she was livid with anger, refused to let him see the children and changed her phone number. Bob proposed to his new girlfriend while there. According to her, she got in a huge fight with him as to why is he not proposing after six months together. The new woman, although pretending to be sad, seemed to act very happy.
She is planning two weddings, one in America and one in his home country. It's extravagant and she wants to invite over 200 guests, including people she went to high school with. Bob used to send money to his kids, but lately he has been asking to borrow money from friends and family for little things, claiming that the wedding is sucking him dry. He hasn't seen his kids in a year. And his new woman complains that he doesn't spend enough money on her.
When asked if she is ready to be a step mother, she says: "Of course, the kids are in another country, how are they really going to affect OUR relationship?"
Ladies or gentlemen would you date/marry someone who has kids from a previous relationship? If yes, would you expect that person to choose you and your future together over his/her existing children?
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- From: pinkdiffusion@xanga
- About Me: I am very outspoken, opinionated and adventure seeking individual. I enjoy conversation and cooking. I believe that life is not meant to be taken seriously, so we should love a little more, laugh a little louder and live a little bit more carelessly. I recently married the love of my life and am looking forward to all the wonderful adventures that lay ahead of us. I have friends lock but if you want to read my posts send me a request.
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Comments (46)
Christ, what a soap opera. Women nagging for marriage, men leaving the country, crazy ex-partners. You've got a dramatic family.
Wow, the issues that "Bob" seems to have are just...wow... The fact that he has kids does not even scratch the surface of his issues...
And in today's world, you shouldn't hold somebody's kids against them. Yes, it will cause the dynamic of the relationship to be different from the get-go, but it also allows the non-parent party a preview of how the other is with kids. Obviously, if his/her parenting style doesn't suit you, that's a dealbreaker.
@TheMushyPear@xanga - Lol and its not even the end of it. One can start a TV show based on my husband's side of the family lives and stories.
Wow, that's a crazy story.
I really hope kids aren't a dealbreaker. If so, I'm TOTALLY screwed!
Hehe
*waits for statelesspilot to chime in about his disgust for kids*Now, being serious...
Yes, yes I would. And no, that person is NOT EXPECTED to put me over his children. As a mother, if I'm dating, no one comes before my daughter, or at her expense. Ever. 'nuff said.@Megabyyte@xanga - Pahahahahahahahahhahaha! Best comment ever.
Most of the people I know don't consider having kids a deal breaker. Even if I didn't have kids it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Kids first, always.
UHH.
WOW. Sounds like "bob" needs to get his priorities right. See your kids, take care of them, fuck anyone else that says otherwise. Wtf?That situation sounds like a fucking mess. It can be a deal breaker for me if the situation is anything like how you described. If the person really cared about me they wouldn't drag me into that bullshit.
Wow. Weird thing is I have a son and if they can't get along with my son, I just tell them to kick rocks before anything even starts.
Yes they are a dealbreaker. For goodness sake, kids are the most disgusting things on the face of the planet! I wouldn't even consider dating someone with kids or even someone who wanted them.
Children. Like barf me out! Gag me with a spoon!
Children shouldn't be a deal breaker for anyone, but if so, perhaps you aren't the right person for them either.
Yes, I married a man with a six years old (at that time), and guess what? I have no regret whatsoever and he treats me like a queen. My son will be turning eight in a few months and I couldn't imagine life without him. He's a part of my world just as much as he is to my husband.
This guy's children should come BEFORE this selfish woman, 100% of the time. He should not have to spend money on her. He should not have felt like he had to give in to the pressure to ask her to marry him when only being together six months. Sounds like a complete disaster all around, past, present, and future.
This is why I'm all for:
Male birth control pill
Artificial womb
Legal paternal surrender
Bob seems to attract B**ches.
@princesspatriotii that was awesome. He def should put the kids first for now at least, when they're 18 and he's been married to the woman for 10 years or whatever I could see them getting equal time or a more proportionate share. As for deal breakers- depends where u are in life. If u cannot support that kid should the relationship get serious- u should watch out, if u think you can pull it off and you really like the other person, go for it. In any case, the presence and effects of children should def be considered but I should hope that goes without saying
Well, this guy sounds like a train wreck to begin with, so for him, it wouldn't be a deal breaker- there are so many problems before the existence of kids that I would worry about.
But for a normal guy, if I were single- no, the kids aren't the deal breaker. The baby mama is. I don't think I'd be able to make myself comfortable with an ex who necessarily has to remain in the picture. And I would never ask a man to stop seeing his children, so- I wouldn't bother. It might be a little different for a widower.
I have to admit, I really like the fact that when my husband and I have kids, it will be both of our first times to do so.
This Bob guy must be crazy to attract these crazy females.
Kids were a deal breaker for me. I just don't see them as being part of my life. I'm married, now, so I only have to worry about my own kids if I eventually change my mind about having them. On the other hand, I don't fault people if kids aren't a deal breaker for them. My dad married my mom after she had me (he's not my bio father) and I think he's great for being a dad to me.
If I did want kids though, it probably wouldn't have been as big of a deal. I'd be more concerned with how the adults in the situation are handling their business than the actual kids themselves.
At this point in my life I would have to say that, for me, children are a deal breaker. I would not date someone with kids. I am not ready fo that. I have always been very candid that I personally do not want children until my early 30's. This includes being involved with someone with children.
That being said. If later in my life I were to meet someone with children and did decide to pursue a relationship, I would under no circumstance expect to be placed above them or for them to sacrafice time with their father solely for my benefit. In fact, if the person were willing to so something like that I can say with out a doubt that he would never be a person that I could have a serious relationship with.
When I have children I will put them first. It's the only option.
I prefer not to date someone with kids. But, I like to be told of their existence, too. I know I am not good with kids, so it really is pointless to date a man with kids since I possibly won't even like them! And I'm not even sure I want any kids of my own.
This sounds like my brother and the situation he is in. He has two kids that he hasn't seen in two years, and the mother is keeping the children from him all because he doesn't want to be with her.
Honestly, I couldn't date anybody who has kids especially if they are dealing with this baby momma drama.
I would never have kids or date someone with kids.
I'm sorry, but I hate kids, lol.
it could be a dealbreaker for me. I want kids, but I want my own kids. I don't really want to raise someone else's kids if we got married. Then you have the baby mama drama in some cases.
Wow, drama city.