Wednesday, 18 January 2012
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"Going the Distance" Probably Not All It's Cracked Up to Be
This post was submitted anonymously.
Boy meets girl. Girl falls for boy. Then boy dumps her like it never happened.
It seems like the classic story for most relationships these days.Well I met this boy over the summer through a mutual friend and things started out great! He walked me to my door one night and said, "Will you be my girl?" Corny, I know, but still it made my heart melt a little. He was sweet, considerate, and most things a boyfriend should be. We had our own little jokes and he was becoming my best friend after such a short time. The plus side was, his friends and I were all becoming very close as well.
However (there's one in every story like this), I lived with my dad about 5 hours away whereas the boy lived by my mom. So we tried a long-distance relationship which failed miserably when he decided that he would break up with me before I visited for a week. Not the smartest idea he's ever had, I know. We broke up after 5 months because of the distance.
We move on. Date different people.
Unexpectedly, I chose to move back to my mom's for various other reasons of course. Now the thought has often crossed my mind; a few more times than I care to admit. Will we ever try again? It's crazy to think we could, but there's that small sliver of hope deep down where all the movies, songs, books, and fantasies pounded into my head since I was a little girl, might actually come true for me.
I don't know what to think anymore. I've analyzed so much that I'm driving myself insane. I've asked friends, family, and a few random strangers what they thought and I keep getting mixed answers like, "Go back to him" or "You're still hung up on the dude?"
But what are your thoughts? Can it really happen? Or should long distance relationships that are no longer long-distance just be put to rest for good?
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Comments (26)
i would try and see what happens just for the sake of knowing instead of wondering
Are you still speaking to him?
you've been thinking about him more because you're back to living near whats familiar to you, but you shouldnt get back together with him just because you're living back in town. think about what he did to you .. yeah, you had a great relationship & may not have been together that long, but he left you when the only thing that came between you guys was distance. if he couldn't make the effort then, he may not be willing to make the effort now.
with these types of things its kind of a "do what you want" situation. you could try it again if you really see some potential. but if you're just lonely and missed having someone, go for someone else who will value you more and probably be more enjoyable. the right choice isnt always easy- if you think you'd feel some serious regret- go for it. if you think you could eventually get a better fit for what you want, let it pass, be single for a while, and you'll find someone new :3
Long distance relationships don't fail because of the long distance, the distance only makes seemingly small problems bigger and more apparent. I've been through too many long distance relationships, so I have an idea. I am actually currently in a long distance relationship with my current boyfriend, and although I miss him terribly, we would never give each other up. What I'm saying is that your relationship probably ended for reasons other than the distance. If you want to try to make things work again now that you're closer, by all means do. But if not, I don't think it has to be seen as a "what if" per se. It all depends on whether you see a real future with this guy.
I am in a long distance relationship myself. Now, I am a college student who's boyfriend lives 4 hours away from me. It has its positives and its negatives.
The most obvious: absence makes a heart grow fonder. It really does! Seeing them after 2-3 weeks is like finding your favorite pair of socks that you thought you lost or getting to eat something that you haven't had for a while. You appreciate their presence and it's more worthwhile!
You don't get sick of them. I'm the type of girl who likes my alone time. If I were to have a boyfriend on-campus, I wouldn't have time to do school work or hang out with my girlfriends. I would feel smuggled and annoyed and we all know that a lot of break-ups are because of those feelings.
A negative is that technology gets boring. Texting gets old and you can only enjoy the look of the person you can't be with physically for so long until it brings you down.
What about those bad days when you just need a hug from the one you love? You can't have it right then and there. Instead, you have to wait. You can't just drive down the street to cheer your day up.
Sure, long distance has its statistics of not lasting but, if you have a long strong enough for someone, it's going to work! I promise.
@vicdaily@xanga - This is the question I'd ask too. If you've kept up a friendship then maybe going from that stage into a relationship wouldn't be a bad thing. Cold-calling/texting out of the blue and saying "hey i'm in town wanna be my guy" may not be the best thing.
I think it's relationship specific.
Distance puts an undue strain on a relationship, definitely, but being closer isn't going to fix things if the problem is your ex was a total piece of shit.
actually the vast majority is the opposite recently. females have become for the most part predators.
hmmm well, you guys had a long distance for 5 months, maybe you two should try to date again since now you guys will be closer, i feel like maybe you'll learn more of each other and the more you guys spend time together, you'll learn to love apart. also, you guys can do things that you didn't get the chance to do because you two were 5 hours apart.
why don't you just talk to him about it?
My hubby and I dated long distance (Florida to Calgary Canada) for 13 months. It sucked, but we have been married for 7 years and still going strong. We chose to use the distance to build a relationship with strong communication skills, without the distraction of being physically with eachother.
but really, talk to him. Who knows, maybe he was waiting for the day you moved closer. You will never know unless you try and you don't want to spend your life wondering "what if?"
LDR's are really hard to deal with, and it's def not for me.
Sorry for blast after you post I needed to write this...
LDR's are not the best way to begin but some times they work, only both party's need to give a little. I would say that your story is not unique I have sat were you are. While my story was much more than 5 hours it ended in disappointment on both party just as your did but for another reason. I met her here on Xanga in 2003 we became friends who spoke about everything, we IM'd and chatted on the phone from time to time. Then in 05 I went to NY for a work event we arranged drinks and dinner just to catch up. I will never forget that night as long as i live. We fell in love with each others company, both keeping silent what we felt for each other. This went on for 4 years until both party happened to be single at the same time. She lived in NY Manhattan to be exact, I lived in Californium near San Francisco.
We both invested time and money trying to making it work. For us it failed because we were trying to hard to be together and missing out on the rest of our lives. We flew back in forth to see each other for long weekends. But I was country guy who need trees and water and she was, sigh, a city woman who needed the speed of metro life. Granted she was one who wanted to leave the city, but my fear was never would. It was a nasty ending. When looking back on it now we both tried to hurt each other in the hopes of making the other leave.
The people here are correct in saying that while distance is hard, its not the main reason while relationships fail. What I can say is that distance allows to to get to know the person with out being physical out of the gate, that is a huge bonus. As long as both party's are honest about who they are at the time. This can create a solid bond that can survive anything..
I guess I'm trying to say don't write LDR's off.. You can get something amazing out of it if you wait. When I returned home in 08 i met a woman who lived 1.5 hours away. I married her in 2010 and now have a son with her.
Good luck and I know you will find your match..
Long distance is hard. But if you really want to be with that person, I think you can do it. Distance is just distance if you really love that person and want to have a future with them.
Long distance isn't for everyone, but sometimes if you really love someone, you'll wait for them. I've been in one for 13 months strong now.
Long distance relationships, while tough, are possible, as long as both partners are committed.
Well, do you still talk to him? Are you even friends with him? Or are you just "hung up" on the thought of trying it again while you live closer to him? LDR can work if both parties put in the effort and commitment to make it work. If you aren't even friends with him or communicate with him, I would just leave it alone and move on. If it happen, it happens. Don't over analyze it.
I think long distance relationships can work if you really want them to. My fiance and I have been together (we met online) for over 4 years now. The first 2 years of our relationship were long distance. We lived 8 hours apart. He came out to visit me one weekend a month and that's all we had for 2 years. We got web cams though and talked nightly on the phone for at least an hour, usually two. But he always mentioned moving closer to me and finding a job in my state once he finished college and that's what happened. Now we live 10 minutes apart. If you really care about someone (and both want things to work out and have some sort of plan for the future - you can't be 5 hours apart forever), then it's worth sticking it out. The whole 2 years we were long distance, it never crossed my mind to give things up with him just so I could have a guy who is physically close to me. It wouldn't be worth it..I loved him and wanted to be with him. I knew we would be eventually, and to me it was worth the wait.
I disagree with people who claim that someone is shallow etc if they break off a LDR.
I don't know about everyone else, but I get into relationships because I want to BE with someone. As in have a partner and do things with them. Is that shallow?
I understand that sometimes an LDR is temporarily necessary. When someone travels for work, school or military etc. But personally I could not maintain one indefinitely, or even for a number of years unless we were totally committed as in marriage. I just don't want to spend my longing for someone in a sort of virtual relationship.
I don't knock folks who choose to do that, but I also don't think it's a shallow reason to break up with someone.
@GagaMonster - "Long distance relationships don't fail because of the long distance, the distance only makes seemingly small problems bigger and more apparent." This. It's so true. I had a friend who was with the same girl he met our freshman year of college (well, we were all at prep school together), and she decided she didn't want to stay at school, so she moved back home to Kentucky and he stayed in New York. They're married now... This is what he told me: "If you break up because of distance than you weren't really breaking up just because of the distance." So, if I was you, I wouldn't try to get back with him just because you're closer... You would need to work out the other issues as well.
I'm fed up of people blaming society and stories for their 'fairytale' imagination. You know why there are so many of thosemovies, songs, books and fantasies? Because they appeal to something already within ourselves.
As for your situation, I'd say don't contact him (I'm assuming you aren't in touch) but if you're happy to see him and bump into him, allow yourself to be happy to see him.
I'm in a LDR and have been for a WHOLE YEAR. We've always been apart so it makes things slightly easier I think. We are both military and stationed in different states.
LDR's are horrible. They have to be one of the worst things to exist ever. It's so hard to be fulfilled when your significant other is so far away. I've found myself looking for fulfillment in other places (NEVER CHEATED!) When I say looking other places, I mean companionship- stuff like that.
It's horrible, but I know that I want to be with this person.. so I have to suck it up.
LDRs are just no good. Here's to wishing you meet again in the same place.
my long distance relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me.