Sunday, 15 January 2012
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A Misunderstanding of Marriage
The BBC recently put out an article discussing why marriage rates in the US are declining. Although the article briefly highlights various factors that have contributed to the decline of marriage (e.g., tougher child support laws, less importance as a facet of our culture), it primarily focuses on how the decline can be explained by simple economics: less money means fewer marriages.
I understand that. With the recent recession and rising unemployment, people don't have a lot of money to toss around for an extravagant wedding. (And that's understandable, since the average wedding--yes, a one-day event, folks--costs around $24,000!)
However, I don't think the economic downturn is really to blame here. Truthfully, I think marriage rates are declining because people's understanding of marriage itself is in decline. I don't think people understand what marriage really is anymore. Here's what I think most people believe about marriage:
Marriage is just a fad, an item to check off of the list after high school or college.
"It's the thing to do."Marriage is a way to change a spouse.
"Our relationship will be perfect after we're married. He'll change for me. Just you wait and see."Marriage is a way to please other people.
"Our parents don't want us living together, so we're just going to get married."Marriage is a legal ceremony that truly holds no deeper meaning.
"I do." (Seventy-two days later....) "We're getting a divorce."Marriage is a loss of freedom.
"The old ball-and-chain won't let me go out with the boys tonight."Marriage has lost its value in our culture. It's no longer about a lasting desire to spend the rest of one's life with another person. It's no longer about self-sacrifice and service. Marriage has become about selfishness and self-fulfillment. That's why I think marriage rates in the US are declining. We've forgotten how important, valuable, and eternal it really is.
What are your thoughts?
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- From: Katseye4pirates@xanga
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Comments (133)
I think marriage is overrated.
Marriage is a way to change a spouse.
"Our relationship will be perfect after we're married. He'll change for me. Just you wait and see."
Yuk yuk yuk. Ain't it the truth.
I still consider marriage to be very important. It may not be for everyone, and I accept that. However, for me? I still want to spend my life with my boyfriend, and I know that I will marry him one day. It's not because it's the right thing to do, or because we "should". It's because I love him, love the way he accepts both me and my son, and cannot imagine my life with anyone else.
The decline of marriage rates also has something to do with messed up divorce laws. In fact, I'd argue that the unbalanced divorce situation is what drives people - mostly men - away from marriage.
As for money... well, if you don't fund that 30,000-dollar wedding ceremony and reception, you're seen as the greedy guy or "cheap husband". Kind of a turn-off if your marriage life has to start on such a foot.
Another issue is necessity. Think of all the incentives of being married: sex, companionship, children, etc...
In an age where people are more financially independent, none of the above incentives require a marriage contract. It's become more socially acceptable to be a single parent, and extramarital or premarital sex is also seen in a less negative light. As for companionship, well... it's always been possible to have companionship outside of marriage anyways.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I think spending so much on a wedding is outrageous, personally. I'd rather put that money towards something useful. If you're rich, why not? But every day people? Uh, no. I think that's a bit much. You can do very lovely, expensive looking decorations and the like for much, much less! :) It does sadden me that some women would label a man not willing to fork out so much for a wedding "cheap" as opposed to "smart".
who the hell is spending that much on a wedding? I mean, seriously, in this economy, who can actually justify that amount of money? It's supposed to be a celebration of two lives joining, not a party for 200+ people! I mean, I want a classy, tasteful wedding, but the whole thing has to be less than $10,000, much less, and I want people to have a good time, but it's not a blow-out bash!
My husband and I spent 35 on our wedding. We went to the courthouse in front of my parents and basically eloped (my parents and his parents his best friend and brother were the only ones who knew). I wanted a hand fasting but my parents wouldn't have probably even came and if they did, they would have been upset, plus we didn't want the stress or the financial burden of it but we got married because he wanted me to see he was in love with me and I wanted him to see I truly was in love with him and we wanted to prove to each other that we would be together through bad and good. We have stuck 100% by the vows we took. Neither of us are Christian so quite a few of my friends were surprised we even got married but we wanted the contract as a way of proving we were going to stay together.
I really couldn't imagine spending thousands on a wedding, a one day event. We didn't even spend that much on our rings, just a total I think of 300 for both. He said he wants to get me a diamond ring one day and I told him to save up for it and when he saves the money for an expensive one, we'll put a down-payment on a house. I don't see a point in expensive rings either. I like my steel ring and he likes his. We didn't even have an engagement ring, he gave me a piece of finger armor he had had for years. Maybe I'm strange but I don't see how buying a thousand dollar ring is practical. You can take the money you save on a huge wedding and the rings and practically put a down payment on a house or car and that's a much better way to spend the money.
At what @QuantumStorm@xanga - said- the divorce laws really only apply if the woman files for it when she gets the divorce. Not all women are heartless bitches who will rob a man of half his paycheck until she gets married again. Some of us would much rather make our own money than steal money from someone else. My husband would have to cheat on me- with my best friend- in my bed in order for me to be that mad, even then I have too much pride to take money from him.
@dream_guru5@xanga - The problem, though, is that it's really easy for women to say one thing, and do another. The laws and legal precedents are quite stacked against men. Words don't mean much nowadays.
@MakingMeBetter@xanga - It's sad, but fairly typical, and it plays into a woman's desires very well, since most women out there want their men to be rich more than anything else.
Those who don't want to get married are usually the children of a bad marriage where the parents stayed together but were extremely dysfunctional or their parents divorced. Either way, they don't want to follow suit. Who wants to get married when all you saw as a child was how hard marriage was and how much you don't want to end up unhappy, always fighting and brokenhearted?
I see the decline in marriage strictly to be a product of our parents' marriages and the failed marriages due to partners who don't understand that marriage is a lot of work. There are far fewer good marriages than there are bad ones. No one believes in happily ever after anymore. They do believe in pre-nups, divorce, living together and not ending up like their parents.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - True, I honestly do mean that and will take that attitude to the grave. With our daughter, I wouldn't ask him for child support either. I'm actually against a lot of the laws too. I am not a feminist, I believe in true equality. I pay my own way on a date and have refused to let men pay for me or if they insist, I will pay the next time. I don't expect you to believe someone you've never met and don't know but I'm just saying there are women out there who truly do not want a man's money. I was the girl getting used (until my husband) for her money and her job. Almost all my exs were male gold diggers. It's not only men who get used for money. Not being the financial alpha is killing me right now. But I take astrology seriously and I'm a Capricorn. We're the most money and power hungry and the only way to have financial power is to make your own money.
@Whatsthat@momaroo - My husband and I both came from parents who are on their first marriages and who got married in less than a year and have been together 20-30+ years, never cheated and were always madly in love. That's the only types of marriages we know firsthand. You're right, a person only knows what they grow up with.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I grew up pretty poor, but happy. As long as we're not on the streets, I'm happy. Yet, I must admit I haven't met many people who share that belief.
@sorority_girl86@xanga - Mine was pretty inexpensive and I wanted it that way too. It's so much easier to plan for a few family members and friends than it is to try to host 200+ people.
I've watched "Say Yes to the Dress" a few times, a lot of brides spend anywhere from 2,000 to 15,000+ on just a dress. It's crazy and completely over-indulgent.
@dream_guru5@xanga - I'm sure not all women are like that. But as I said earlier on another person's blog, it's like playing Russian roulette with a revolver that has 5 chambers loaded and the 6th empty. Sure, not ALL the chambers are loaded, but why would I want to take the chance?
@MakingMeBetter@xanga - In the past, women didn't have the same rights and equalities as men. To compensate, we placed women on pedestals.
Today, women have many of the same rights as men, but that pedestal-placing mentality has yet to dissipate. What results is that we give women special treatment for honestly no good reason, and that naturally feeds into an entitlement mentality.
That's why shows like "Bridezillas" and "Say Yes to the Dress" are so popular, because so many women desire for such baubles.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I like the way you put that! And I agree.
As for those shows...I watch them because I find them ridiculous and hilarious XD Well, when I had cable, at least. I think they are out of their minds (Oh, $8,000 for a dress? That's cheap! -_-), as well.
Now hold on just a minute. Just because people have this idealized vision of a traditional marriage, this transcendental relationship between two people who love one another and make sacrifices and and persevere through hard times and grow old together- that doesn't mean it's the truth. It doesn't mean it's ever been the truth.
Lots of people have gotten married for convenience, for economic reasons, or because of familial and societal pressure. Lots of people have been in arranged marriages. And that's the truth no matter what era you're looking at. The notion that the classic marriage is all about true love and commitment is naive. In fact, I think these lofty notions we maintain about the institution of marriage are the main reasons why so many marriages fail.
But we also live in a changing world. It is now possible to raise children on your own and maintain a household on a single income. That wasn't possible, especially for women, even a hundred years ago. Once upon a time, marriage was necessary for survival. That's no longer the case, and I think that's a positive thing.
I think blaming the decline in marriage on the "selfishness" of our generation is a little shortsighted. You can't just litanize about the advantages of marriage without looking at the whole picture... because the whole picture isn't as pretty as you paint it.
@MakingMeBetter@xanga - Whenever I feel like I'm about to chase after a girl, I watch clips of those shows. Keeps me vaccinated on a regular basis.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Haha. I'm glad my boyfriend and I were friends for months before anything happened. He got to see the real me (and watched how I was with ex's...lol) before we both had the courage to say anything XD
I completely agree with you in this post. When I read your last paragraph, I impulsively thought, "Of course no one wants to marry anymore, selflessness and servitude? Why would anyone in this day and age want to be anything other than selfish?" Its an all-about-me attitude these days. I one day plan on marrying my SO, we have talked about it before and I may be young but I have wonderful examples of lasting marriages in my life, such as my grandparents who have celebrated over 50 years together and my parents who this year celebrated their 25th anniversary. One of the key components to a relationship is a sense of selflessness, which is happening much less I feel. If people were more giving in their relationships and less selfish, maybe then they would be happier and desire that commitment of marriage!
If people don't want to get married that is their choice, but it gets kind of annoying when people try to put down my desire to get married one day. "It doesn't mean anything." "Its cheaper/easier/what have you to not get married." And upon expressing a desire to one day be married, "But why?"
What do you mean why?! Since when was it more normal to ask why to getting married than asking why to not getting married??
when was marriage ever about eternal love? it's historically been a political move to tie families together.
Marriage, for many years, was not based on love. It's actually a fairly new-ish concept. Also, marriage is a lot like having children-it is not meant for everyone. Staying with ONE person for the rest of your life is not something that everyone is capable of doing. People think this shit comes naturally to humans but it really doesn't. Our ancestors and older parts of the family stayed together so long not because of love more then half of the time. I also don't like how people go into marriage and don't take it seriously...but that is because of this insane fucking goal that everyone puts out to be "hard, but worth it". I'm sorry but marriage is something in which you wake up each morning and the fact that you two don't want to kill each other yet is a miracle. Sometimes it IS worth it but those situations are few and far between and if you want to go for it, go ahead, but do not expect a goddamn fairy tale. Is that a bad thing if you can't tough it out for 50+ years? No. There are so many amazing things to accomplish in this life other then marriage.
"It's no longer about self-sacrifice and service."
So because I don't want to sacrifice myself, I'm selfish? I oughtta slave myself away for another person?
I'd choose selfishness any day.
Fuck marriage.
@dream_guru5@xanga - What Quantum said. Whether you personally would do it or not isn't the issue. It's the fact that the courts make it easy for the women who DO want to do it.
@Whatsthat@momaroo - I don't want to get married, but for different reasons. Don't generalize like that.
My reasons for not getting married? For one I'm hardly ever home. Between my primary job keeping me on the road a lot and hopefully becoming a touring professional ten-pin bowler in the future, I just wouldn't have time to sustain a marriage. I'm too independent and career oriented to even think about dating/long term relationships much less. That and I don't want kids and most women do, so I'm mostly sunk there too. I'd rather be a life long single and be childfree than married with children I don't want. I'm just not the type of person for it. It has nothing to do with coming from a bad marriage.