Is it normal to think about/miss someone when you're happily married? Or am I just a bad wife?
I had always been a faithful girlfriend and wife until 2 years ago when I met this guy, lets call him Happy-Clam, HC for short.
HC and I clicked right away and the attraction was mutual. He was funny, charming, and witty. But since I was still seeing my then boyfriend (now husband), HC and I never dated or anything, so it's difficult to understand why I would miss him or miss something that I never had to begin with.
I don't want to devastate my husband should I talk to him about this. I also cannot tell HC how I feel because it is not right to get him into this again. (Besides, we have deleted each other from our contact/phone list anyway.) Nothing is morally right. So perhaps I just needed to post this as an outlet.
Is this normal, or do I have some issues to sort out?
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Comments (41)
LOL Happy Clam. I love sexual innuendos. I wonder why you'd call him that.
There is nothing there for you. Those feelings will pass.
The first love of my life comes to mind from time to time for me...but I would never leave my fiance for a mere memory. Those feelings have faded. Your old feelings will fade, too.
i do believe you will eventually forget about it. don't worry too much babe!
with happy clam, you had fun times, chemistry and infinite potential. with your husband, you have the good times, the chemistry, and the hard times any long relationship brings. you know his bad habits, you remember the fights.
it is very easy to glorify happy clam in your head, to feel nostalgic for that memory of perfection -- even though if you'd gotten with happy clam, feelings may had quickly faded, you would have learned that he picks his nose or farts in bed, fights may have erupted, you may have left each other, etc.
honestly? let it go. crushes come and go but true love does not. if you need to re-evaluate your relationship, give yourself some breathing and recovery time after this crush and then do so -- but not right now, not just yet.
It's normal. don't worry...
Means you've got to straighten some things out in your current relationship- like heighten your appreciation for him- think positively of all the good times you both had- and see what can be done in order for satisfaction. Love is also about commitment.
Crushes happen, even if you are married. It'll go away. It's not that you have these feelings (though you should explore what he offers that your husband doesn't), it's what you do about these feelings that counts. Good luck!
I think it is normal for people to have been married before engaging in other romantic relationships to have those types of feelings. Any relationship is hard work, so I would consider reexamining your relationship with your husband and only be friends with HC until you can sort things out.
Well technically you didn't do anything per say. Just wanted someone. But what IS wrong is your marrying and being in a relationship while you want someone else. Covet? Like, it's natural to find other people attractive, maybe even diddle to the thought of them but if you're wanting to be with someone else. so much that even you wanna tell him about it... not cool. I sure as hell would not like hearing those words come out of my SO.
You've some issues to sort out honey. I think a lot of people in committed relationships may have urges or memories of the past. But the most important thing is you don't indulge yourself into these fantasies. Don't give these thoughts too much attention. Don't do anything drastic like start writing love letters to HC or start scribbling HC on things around the house. You made serious vows and I think you can only look at yourself in the mirror proudly and honestly if you focus the upmost of your attention on your husband. Good luck!
Sounds like something I'd expect from people. It's just what you choose to do with it. Some people cheat, some people stay faithful. You're married, you stay faithful because you've committed yourself to that person. Having outside feelings sounds about right, just don't act on them and do what you need to do to ignore them. Find 10 things you love about your husband and tell him. Do something nice. I find that the act of doing nice things for them makes me like them more. I just like seeing their smile :)
Normal.
you're doing nothing wrong.. just let it be.
don't stress your husband out over nothing ! :P
It's totally normal... it's just what you do about it.
It's normal. Let's face it. Others will not be less attractive or intriguing just because you're taken/married.
you should discuss how you feel with your husband. you'll feel a lot better about it.
I agree with a few other posters here. Marriage doesn't mean that you don't have crushes... boy oh boy do I have a massive one right now! HAHA...
However, I think the difference is this... my husband and I don't seem to have a PROBLEM talking about our crushes/who we think is hot, etc... it's actually an enormously beneficial outlet, so long as it can be done without jealousy. Which is the tricky part.
I'd say talk to your husband about it and let him help you to get over him. That's what he's supposed to be there for, isn't it? This is for sure: the WRONG thing to do would be to cheat. That's always a given.
Happy Clam? Not the first nick name that comes to mind. :P Anyway, if you have feelings for this guy that make you want to leave your husband, or if you've had an affair with this guy, then I'd say you have some things to work out. If it was just a short fling, I wouldn't fret. Put it out of your mind and spend time with your husband to remember why you married him. Chances are, your husband is much better for you in the long run, even if the infatuation is gone and flings come up with other guys. You barely know Happy Clam, and odds are, you're not compatible with him for marriage like you are with your husband. Flings happen, attractions happen, feelings happen- you can't stop them. But you can stop how you act on things. Get romantic again with your husband and forget Happy Clam :)
Seek therapy to get out your feelings. It sounds like emotional cheating to me. Be honest with yourself and with the vows you've taken. Speak to someone and get it all out, and seek the deeper problem that this guy's attention seems to be fulfilling. Take it from someone who would know.
i'm not married & i have experienced the exact same thing. i will get married sometime soon knowing fully that i could probaby have made a life with another guy but I chose not to because I don't think I would've been AS happy. you're not the only one.
i think you just miss the idea of fantasizing what might have happen with Happy Clam.
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My wife to be dumped me for Marty, but asked for me back about 4 months later. I took her back and we have been married many years, but she still mentions Marty several times a year. She has spot in her heart for him. I am not really sure why she chose me over him.
In your case, you found this other guy very charming. I am not sure that you should talk to your husband about it and have no doubt that if or when you decided to make a move for the other guy, you would end up like many here in Xanga, Prince Charming also has flaws.
I wish you well. It is a tough problem.
Normal...I could
see it happening to me.. I can't decide what I want to do with this guy
I've been seeing because I'm afraid of that situation. He's amazing.
Smart, successful, ambitious, we have a million common interests, good
looking, good morals, etc...but I don't feel this passion that I used to
feel when I was with the only guy I dated in college. I don't talk to
that ex anymore, but what if I met someone else who I connect with just
as much as I connected with him, while being seriously involved with the
one I'm currently seeing? It's tough.
Being in a serious relationship, even married, isn't a magic bullet against being attracted to other people. Don't tell him about it because it wouldn't accomplish anything other than risk making him jealous/insecure that you went out of your way to tell him you have thoughts about another man, any man. There's secrecy and there's privacy. We all have thoughts and feelings we keep to ourselves, even from our spouses. You may be comfortable in the bathroom together but when you want your bathroom privacy you get it, right? Do they need to know, and is not knowing hurting them and the relationship is what you need to ask yourself. Is you having a fleeting crush on some guy really have an impact on your family life? Do you want him to tell you about the women he checks up and down or flirts with harmlessly during his day? Marriage doesn't make attractive people go away. It's another matter entirely to betray that trust and cheat, but just enjoying the company of another person in a limited way isn't doing any harm to you or your husband and it isn't worth bringing it up. Stop fantasizing about HC because at this point you just like the idea. And don't bother telling your hubby because he doesn't want to know.