Saturday, 14 January 2012
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Was I Wrong?
This post was submitted anonymously.
I recently engaged in a friends with benefits ordeal with not just a really good friend of mine but...
1. He lives with me. And not just LIVES with me, he lives in the same ROOM as me.2. He has a crush on me.3. He has a lot on his plate to deal with.
We've only been going at it for about 3 weeks, but I just figured that... I want cuddling, kissing, and sex to mean more to me. I want it to represent more than just lust or sexual desires. I want to be madly in love with someone and I want someone to maybe feel the same way about me, and things will just go from there.I brought this up to my FWB this morning, and while he agreed with me, he didn't see the point in ending our 'fooling around.' In fact, he became impossibly frustrated. My reasoning is that I can't commit to really being out there for anyone if I'm sleeping with someone else. He retorted that what we had didn't have to necessarily be sex, it could just be cuddling and kissing.I needed to draw the line. When asked, he said that he isn't emotionally connected to this FWB ordeal (I've asked this a million times), but that he just doesn't see why it has to stop if we're both enjoying ourselves.
I have an inkling of a feeling that:1. He thinks something more will happen.2. He wants something to happen.3. He just really wants sex, no strings attached.To cut things short, he stormed out of the room this morning and ran off somewhere to do 'productive things.'This is what I present to you, Datingish: Was I wrong? I know I shouldn't have allowed the FWB situation to happen at all, but sometimes sex is the only thing you can think of, and it just kind of....takes over.
Why don't we just date? He's on the maturity level of an 8-year-old stuck in a twenty-something year old body. And that, well, that is why we're friends.
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Comments (39)
well... you knew he liked you.... i think that explains everything.
Yeah, you were wrong. You knew he liked you, but you went ahead and used him anyway, and now you expect him to just be okay with you ending it?
I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone, but I think it makes it worse that you knew he had feelings for you. But as I mentioned before, I know you didn't have intentions of hurting anyone.
You used him. How do you expect him to react?
I was in a pretty similar situation.
Friends with benefits is nearly impossible to keep just a friendship and sex. Someone usually wants more.
For me, it was the guy. When I realized he was developing feelings for me, I ended it. You however, knew how he felt about you and continued using him. Yes, you were wrong.
And he told you your relationship could just be cuddling and kissing. No man who's not into you just wants those things. And even if they are into you, eventually they'll want more. What he's saying is he doesn't want to lose you, he wants to have SOME kind of physical relationship with you because he DOES care about you.
Please don't:
1. Move in with a guy that has a crush on you
2. Live in the same room as him
3. Engage in a FWB situation with said guy
4. Get frustrated about it after and expect people to give you constructive advice.
No offends but you need to set your priorities straight, I have never seen the point in being in a FWB relationship because someone will end up being hurt. As of now, talk it out, be assertive of what exactly you want, and get out of it before it further complicates things!
Yeah.. sounds like you need to find new living arrangements.
you are definitely wrong, you initiated it first to him so i understand his frustration. you also knew he liked you and you still went into the fwb situation with him so you get a slap on your hand for this.
yes, you are wrong on many counts.
you were wrong. if you know someone has feelings for you, and you enter into a situation like that, it's likely that the feelings will continue to grow and blah blah. so you fucked him in more ways than one lol
Am I reading this wrong? As far as the post goes I understand he liked her. Yes, he had a crush on her, but what does that mean? That he liked her physically, right? He said he doesn't want to date her. He said he wasn't emotionally invested! She said she asked him many times...
This thing is just friends with benefits. This is not enough for her, she wants to date.
Why is she wrong? I don't get it. Unless I am reading this wrong?
@doritos4breakfast@xanga - From what I understand is he has feelings for her, she won't date him, so he is settling for what he could get, and she took advantage of the situation by allowing him to just be a friends with benefits. I believe she is asking if she is wrong for deciding against being FWB after it happening for a bit because she realized it will be hard to find someone else to actually date when she is fooling around with some other guy she has no intention or desire to date.
he just wanted to fuck you to begin with and since, like you said he has a lot on his plate to deal with, he probably doesn't have enough time to go out and get someone and you are more convenient. if you're looking for a commitment and you can clearly see that he isn't then stop sleeping with him. sleep on the couch if you must.
yes.you were wrong. don't enter into a FWB unless you are 100% sure that its what you really want
he said that he isn't emotionally connected to this FWB ordeal" this may be true or false... bottom line you involved yourself with someone you knew had too much going on...he could be using you for the support as well .... i know for a fact living with an attractive "friend" and being with them in the same house for long periods TEND to lead to these kinda things.. you end up being the shoulder to lean on and that my dear could have caused your "crush" ordeal ....but that doesnt mean its real... i bet money you have helped him enough where you have become his pillow and he looks for you mentally emotionally and now.... physically your not wrong for stopping...you yourself might have been looking for the samething...but you now this is not what you want...the only thing i dont know is if you want something committed from him or nothing at all
I am currently in a FWB situation also but the difference is that we have talked it out and set everything straight before it all started.
Well the thing is, I kinda think that he doesnt want to end it because of his ego. As in, he doesnt feel like he deserves to be dumped. Or at least, if it is about to end, it has to be him who ends it.
I dont think you have done anything wrong. If things dont get better, I think it's time for you to find a new house.
Wrong. Sorry -.-
Honestly, if you have feelings for someone that is where friends with benefits cannot work.
1. It's a contract between two partners that you will remain friends only, but just have sex, so no bf/gf.2. If you entered this FWB relationship because you wanted it to be more originally, then you won't get anywhere. Instead, you should've said you want a full on relationship. 3. He can't really be in a relationship with you because he already fucked you before without the commitment, so why would he bother when he could save the commitment for someone who is worth it.I don't mean to come off as a bitch. My friend is going through FWB thing with a guy she likes, and I learned this by observation.
He's not immature for resisting your desires for more than FWB. You engaged in an FWB relationship with him, and for him, it's working out just fine. If it ain't broke...
"I know I shouldn't have allowed the FWB situation to happen at all, but sometimes sex is the only thing you can think of, and it just kind of....takes over. "
Oh grow up. If anyone's treating this situation immaturely it's you. You have self-control... EXERCISE IT.
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Well I couldn't tell if you were trying to say you want to start a relationship with him, but it sounded like that. In that case, no you're not wrong. People change their mind about things, and FWB's don't get any kind of special treatment. I've been in a FWB relationship where I decided that nobody deserved to have sex with me unless they actually cared about me and I was just sick of being there for the guys convenience. Yeah when I first started that relationship I didn't really care about anything but the sex but time went on and I decided I wanted more, not so much with that particular guy but just in general.
@passionate_kisses579@xanga - You're so wrong with point #3. Lots of people get into relationships after having sex. And sex doesn't define your worth.
Honestly, I think the whole FWB thing is a load of BS. I'm counseling people who are in f***ed up, complicated relationships of the FWB variety. What. A. Headache!!
In our culture, we learn from an early age that REAL relationships mean that you are COMMITTED to a person (be they male, female, same sex, opposite sex). Anything else smacks of the forbidden and the taboo. Women tend to define themselves through their roles (wife, mother, daughter, sister, girlfriend), their work (teacher, law enforcement officer, banker, accountant, librarian, healthcare professional,etc), their appearance (sexy, girl next door, fat chick, nerdy, regular girl), and their sexuality (girlfriend, lesbian/heterosexual, good girl/bad girl, etc.).
Over and over, the women I counsel say the same thing....They make excuses for the FWB situations they're in. They can't figure out why they feel like shit when they get over the initial excitement over being in relationship where they are only having sex and have no relationship other than that of "friend" with the person they're sleeping with.
WAKE UP!! The reason you feel like shit is because you were raised to believe that women who just have sex without the commitment of a real relationship are SLUTS. They are the women that your mom and dad didn't want YOU to be.
Wonder why you feel like you're doing the wrong thing? THAT'S WHY!
Why don't the guys feel the same way? They're brought up differently. We don't teach boys to wait until they're in a committed relationship to have sex. We teach them that they will know that special girl when she crosses their path. However, they will have to date and sleep with a whole lot of girls to find that special one. Men get pissed off when you with-hold sex. That's why your FWB is upset.
It has nothing to do with him wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. You are not the one. However, you are DAMNED convenient since you live in his room and have already had plenty of sex with him. Convenience is a wonderful thing. That's why 7-11 is such a successful business.
You just closed his 7-11. Did you think that he would be happy?
You need to start looking for a new place to live. You also need to heed the lesson you just learned. Next time, do it the way your folks taught you. You'll feel better about yourself and you won't need to hide it from your folks.
It's okay to screw up and make mistakes. It's part of growing up. Just be certain that you learn from them, so that you don't end up unhappy.
Of COURSE he'd be frustrated when you wanted to end things.
You were a convenient hole to put his dick in 24/7.
If he wanted it to be more... he would've TOLD you so when you tried to break off your engagement on the grounds that you wanted more.
"We don't have to sleep with each other, we can just cuddle and kiss" means "I'm hoping if I can get you to do that much, you'll regularly give in and still fuck me."
FWB is hard enough to deal with, then you add living together in the same room. You can't go into a deal like that if you aren't %100 committed to it. I don't want to say you were wrong, but faults are on your side. You want to date, for sex to mean more than it does with him, but don't want to date him. Sorry sweetheart, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Make up your mind.