Thursday, 12 January 2012
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I Lose Respect For You When You Hit on Me Via Facebook
Hey there. Yeah, you, hot stuff. I have a confession to make:
I lose respect for you when you hit on me via social media. But really, is that even fair? I mean, in today's world, how often do you even meet people outside of your work and primary circle of friends? How often do you get the chance to chat up that cute girl you met at the Christmas luau?
But oh look, one of you just added the other as a Facebook friend.
Let the coquetting begin.
So yeah, maybe I'm not being fair or realistic. Tough. This is my post. So with that, here are a few of my non-favorite Facebook flirting things:
1. There's no risk.
People do and say things online that they would never do or say in person. Why? It's less risky. Less risk = Less respect. It's that simple. I know it's old-fashioned, but as a girl, I want to believe that I'm worth more than a "hey there" on Facebook chat. Maybe it's like a test, the "Will you do more than hit on me online?" or "Will you risk rejection?" test. Not a fair test. But still.
2. There's no reality.
The virtual world makes it easy to pretend, easy to posture, and easy to poke that cute guy you've been pining after. There's a lack of reality to online interactions; an invisible curtain between virtual life and real life.
I'm not saying that actions and reactions online don't resonate and reverberate in real life. Trust me, they do, sometimes for the worse. The "Facebook feedback loop" can manifest in welcome and unwelcome ways. But for me there's always that shock--that jolt of recognition--when the virtual and the real collide.
3. Would you please get to the point already?
There's often a lack of clear direction to online hitting-on. The worst has to be Facebook chat. The vague asking-me-about-my-day but never asking-me-out thing annoys me. For a guy, chatting with a girl via Facebook chat can be a way to fish for her interest in him without taking even the remotest risk. Lame.
4. There's no clarity.
I've had guys ask me out on Facebook only to...not ask me out. What? There are just so many questions. Like, why is this guy talking to me? Is he hitting on me? Expressing mild interest? Passing the time at work? Just chatting? Wait, why is he asking me if I'm single? It's too much. These guys usually end up deleting me anyway after I make my lack of interest (un)clear. Thanks...friend.
5. There is a double standard.
This is horribly sexist of me, but I don't think these things apply to the opposite scenario of a girl hitting on a guy via Facebook. That's totally cool. Unless guys hate it. Please weigh in, gentlemen.
[Caveats and disclaimers: To all the guys who've asked me out via Facebook, kudos and respect to you. Also, none of this applies if you're actually in a relationship with someone. Please, if you are, poke away.]
That's it. That's all I've got. So before you start to mack on your Mac, or practice your pickup game on your PC (say what?), consider this: Are you hedging your bets by not taking a risk or being indirect in your attentions? Do you want her to be more than just your Facebook friend? Tread with care.
Think before you flirt.
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Comments (27)
Maybe the guy actually just wants to know how your day was? I don't see how every interaction between a guy and a girl always has to end up with one asking the other out. Perhaps, you should stop flattering yourself and instead start thinking that they just want to develop a friendship by having conversation. And nowadays, what's a better starting point than finding you on Facebook?
For the most part (please note that there are exceptions), I find that Facebook (as with other online social media) is just another portal behind which to hide one's true intentions when it comes to these things. As you mentioned, it's less risky and I think people feel less of a need for clarification--almost as if they prefer treading ambiguously, and some very well may do. When you're not speaking face-to-face to someone else, for instance, you tend to feel less of an accountability for your actions.
I personally have been hit on by acquaintances through Facebook and asked out a guy myself when I couldn't get ahold of his number. But I think it is definitely a mark of a mature adult when he/she is able to communicate in person that he/she would like to take you out sometime, versus getting several "pokes" through Facebook. There are exceptions of people entering successful relationships through Facebook, however, and even Facebook dating sites--that's an entirely different realm that I'm not even going to get into right now.
You're still young, so I just suggest you tread lightly when dealing with the guys who are "asking-you-out-but-not" (btw, I wasn't sure what this meant.) But be open to getting to know the people who seem worthwhile of your time and not immediately dismissing them, either. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, one of them could turn out to be a meaningful person in your life :)
Well IF the person actually really is interested in how your day went or how you're feeling, I see no problem with it. Unless it's painfully (hilariously) obvious that it's a way of hitting on you.
For a guy like me, I don't like social media love confessions, asking someone out, talking about something deep/private, breaking up, etc. That's what our ability to talk is for and it's better for our self esteem (not to mention the other person) if things like these are talked about in person.
I'm not a cute/hot guy. In fact I do not like to comment on my looks, I just try to look my best and stay in shape for myself. But if a girl would reveal to me that she liked me through fb, it would be a turn off. It wouldn't matter how hot the girl is.
-X-
"For a guy, chatting with a girl via Facebook chat can be a way to fish for her interest in him without taking even the remotest risk."
So what? Some people would like less risk. I know I did, and it worked out fine for me.
I don't believe on hitting on people via facebook, or most social networks in general (though I jokingly flirt on xanga a bit). That's why I almost never even compliment anyone on anything heh, don't want it to be misread as me flirting with them. Seems cheesy to hit on someone online. Although I guess a lot of people tend to add people they've never met, and I only add people I already know in real life. I don't use facebook chat either...that chat system is just not a very good one. Though generally when I ask someone how their day was I'm genuinely curious about how their day was. If a girl was to ever flirt with me on facebook, I would probably think it was pretty cheesy/fake as well.
I hate facebook chat and the meebo. It automatically signs me on and yeah, super annoying.
Why can't people just talk to you as friends? Please don't tell me you're so full of yourself that you think everyone you talk to just wants to have sex with you.
The internet can be helpful for many things; the most clear, discernible exception is intimacy.
I don't assume when people say hello to me or ask me how I am on Facebook that they are hitting on me. Perhaps you should do the same thing until they actually type the words "Would you like to go out with me?"
And even if they do that, I don't see how it affects the meaningfulness of the proposed date.
I love it when my boyfriend send me cute flirty messages on facebook....but maybe that's because we're long distance. So I'm biased. Lol.
One of the most annoying situations I've been in was this guy who wouldn't say anything to my face but always said things via texting, facebook, email...he was my friend before it all, but when I told him to stop talking to me I didn't feel guilty at all because it was 1) creepy, and 2) had no respect or him!
It kind of seems like you think that any time any guy talks to you they're hitting on you. Maybe they want to know how your day was, or maybe they don't want to ask you out. Maybe you're just not that awesome that every guy who talks to you wants to date you.
You really think that anyone who tries to talk to you online is trying to get in your pants? Someone's full of herself.
So true. I never understood the concept of hitting on someone behind a computer screen. Honestly even when I make a move on a dude I do it face to face.
If the only way a guy can talk to me is through facebook (he doesn't have my number and we never see each other), then I'm not gonna hate. It is kinda lame to flirt on facebook with someone you see everyday, though. I'm guilty of it and I realized how ridiculous it was.
I have mixed feelings about FB and other social media flirtation. If people flirt and aren't actually trying to hit on me, then it's all fun and games and I will happily accept and return the flirtations IF I already know who that person is. On the other hand, sending me a private FB message and trying to hit on me/ask me out/ask for my number is a major turn off. I usually ignore the guy unless he keeps messaging me. Kuz then it's annoying and I'll tell him so.
its so fun to mess with girls tho.
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To all of the people who are dissing on the author, I don't think you're reading this right, or it's never happened to you (or it could be that you just don't realize when people are hitting on YOU). I was actually talking to my bf about it after reading this, and he agrees with my point of view on this... There's a pretty obvious difference between someone just chatting to say hello and someone with other intentions. I mean, for example, when you see the person all the time and they never talk to you in person, but only on Facebook chat.. it may not SOUND like they're trying to hit on you (and it's true, maybe they aren't trying to actually have SEX you), but to ME when someone of the opposite sex, who I do not normally talk to you or spend time with, chats with me on Facebook, it tells me they want to get to know me but don't have the guts to talk to me in person. More often than not, those conversations end with them saying we should chill. Maybe they just want to be friends... but... the whole not talking to me while in person thing tells me that they probably want more, because I wouldn't be afraid to say hello in person to someone who I just like as a friend.
I can totally understand where you're coming from. At the same time, though, me and my boyfriend always went to the same high school without knowing each other, and after he graduated, it wasn't a big deal to me. He was just another face. Then out of the blue, about 16 months ago, he randomly messaged me on facebook, and for some weird reason, I replied. Things just took off from there, and we ended up meeting in person at a football game....and it all just worked out.
After writing the above paragraph, though, it crosses my mind that he never really hit on me via internet. It was all just friendly conversation. So I can agree with you...for the most part, I prefer any flirtatious nature face-to-face.
Yeah, I was stalked by a female on fb. but unlike females, I totally put a stop to it fast by sending her a msg, deleting her as a friend, and then blocking her. I suppose if I was a female, I would have just ignored her. Oh, she also didnt have my phone number, so no worries there. But I also suspected she was a creeper/stalker from the beginning but gave her the benefit of the doubt. then when I met her in person, man was that confirmed. Not even 30 minutes after I got back was my pic on her fb and she had msg'ed me to meet her siblings the next weekend. Hell NO! I stopped that stuff quick!
I think this article proves women and too picky and create all these rules and should's, so when y'all all end up in a house full of cats and chocolate, you can be happy you had all your lists and stuck to your guns, as you weep each night because of loneliness and wondering what you might had experience if you had shredded those lists and taken some risks yourself, instead of just thinking men should be the ones ones to put themselves out there. I might be single, might have felt rejection from women, but at least I know I took risks at times, instead of sitting and doing nothing but letting life pass me by.
Man that felt good to type!
@laytexduckie@xanga - I totally agree. Fb is a communication medium. Asking someone for their fb is just like asking someone for their phone number in the past or mailing address, and far less creepy if you dont know them well (especially considering most people have cells now and dont want creepers knowing their numbers [though some post them on fb anyways, but I always still ask for it anyways]). The basic truth is that they dont like guys they are not attracted too asking them out or expressing interest. I mean, be honest, if a guy you like is showing you interest, it doesn't matter how, you are going to like it and comply. It is only the guy you do not like that bother you... and this is not a new problem for women, just the medium of social networking/fb is new.
I'm really, really shy in person -- I have a lot of difficulty finding the right words to say when talking to a new person IRL, so being online allows me to actually get to know someone without sounding like I'm retarded. I like IM because it allows me to talk to someone without feeling the pressure of face-to-face. I've always had social issues. IM eases the friend-making process for me. I've made a few friends on here through the Xanga chat.
In that sense I think an IM system like the Facebook chat helps give someone confidence. I know I'm way too shy to flirt with a guy in person, but if we were talking in IM I might actually have the guts to do it. It's a way to break barriers and relax for me.