Thursday, 12 January 2012
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Lying By Omission is Still Lying
My boyfriend and I have been together a year now on the 7th of January, 2012. We've been living together for about six months now and I have to say that I've been enjoying things. But now we've hit a rocky spot and I don't know what to do. About a day after our anniversary, I was on Facebook scrolling down on the updates bar (I think that's what it's called) and I saw that he commented on this particular female's status, where he was "play fighting" with another individual about who gets to be with her.
Out of curiosity I clicked on her page and read that not only is he commenting on her statuses, but on her pictures, calling her beautiful saying things like "this is my new fav" and "I can see why you would say something like that, you're gorgeous." He was blatantly flirting for someone who is in a relationship.
I scrolled down further and further until there was no more to see. I was able to put together that this female is the same person that he used to talk to and give advice to about her drug problems and family life (who sent her to live in DR). I had a problem with this because they would talk almost every other day and at inappropriate times like midnight/one in the morning. I found that this was not new, the commenting, it goes all the way back to September of 2011. His excuse is that she has very low self esteem, and he felt he needed to give her a boost.
I felt horrible about this, especially since it's so out in the open where anyone can see it. I feel somewhat betrayed. The worst part is that she's 15 while he's 24. He never told me that these were the same people. He was always so secretive about it, like he is with everything else. He would refer to the person as a family friend, and when I confronted about the commenting it becomes a guessing game. He never says "that's the same person I was talking to on the phone, the girl with the family problems" or "that's my family friend". Nothing. Not to mention he spoke of her as if she was a grown woman.
What would you do? Is it something to be worried about? Should I be worried?
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- From: mindfulbeauty@xanga
- About Me: im human....
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Comments (50)
this is dumb. the girl is 15. he's obviously not flirting, and obviously not into her. are you seriously going to throw a fit about this?
and if i'm wrong, i think you have bigger issues than harmless facebook flirting, cause it might be time to give "to catch a predator" a call.
^This guy, ignore. Your suspicians aren't unfounded, I wouldn't appreciate my boyfriend having sketchy conversations with pretty girls late into the night either. Yet worrying and constantly being in the mindset that he is cheating or that he doesn't think you're as beautiful as this girls is unfounded. Facebook opens up portals to contact people we wouldn't normally speak to, and I'm assuming that his phone record is clean when it comes to other girls. If she's a family friend, that's great she can still be beautiful. If you need to know what he thinks, just ask him. Don't once insinuate he may be lying about his feelings or emotionally/physically cheating.
Last time he checked, you two were together and living together being happy. Moments like these are normal in serious relationships but if you can't have honest discussions about your fears and be convinced nothing is going on then something deeper than the FB chats are ruining your relationship. Plus, she's 15. I know for some reason lately there's a trend that girls still in the younger years of highschool are mature for their age so they must need-a pounding. Yeah..no, that's illegal in most states which I'm sure he is intelligent enough to know.
My advice is no-worries, have a shot of tequila and yo two go rough it up after your serious conversation about your thoughts.
it really doesn't matter what his motives truly are. the fact is that his behavior is sketchy and is making you uncomfortable. if he doesn't stop he's being pretty disrespectful to you. i think you need to set down some ground rules so that he knows what appropriate and inappropriate behavior and what you are comfortable with.
That's super shady. Sorry but yes you should be worried and you should keep a lookout for even sketchier behavior, or just break up with him. Tell him to go be with her if he cares so much bout her! And he's 24 while she's still too young to drive, that's so gross and weird.
You need to talk to him. It's entirely possible that this is innocent and that she's just a friend of the family. But, on the other and, those comments can easily be taken the wrong way and it's totally understandable that you're paranoid. However, the only way to deal with this is to talk to him - get it all out in the open and just tell him you're not comfortable with it, and see what his reaction is. Best of luck!
Well, first of all, don't go all apeshit on him and blame blame blame. That makes things worse. It really helps if you focus on how it makes you feel, not what he did. For example, "It makes me feel unhappy when I feel like you're purposely omitting things about this girl and becoming more secretive" instead of "I don't like when you hide things from me." It helps him understand that it makes you unhappy, and that takes the blame off him and shows him more that you want to work on the situation.
Work out a solution that will make both of you and the relationship happier. If it will always make you uncomfortable if he's always complimenting her looks, voice that it makes you uncomfortable, and ask if he can perhaps try boosting her esteem and mental health in other ways - encouraging exercising, getting involved in helping her schoolwork, making her realize that there are other things about her that are wonderful. Being attractive helps, and if she is attractive, he need not worry because I'm sure lots of guys are telling her that, but there are so many other things that can contribute to your self-image.
@MiriamBeth@xanga - lolol
Call Chris Hansen.
I would be worried, not to mention greatly offended at his open flirting. He's not being completely truthful with you obviously and he's being very vague. It's something to watch out for. It could mean that he's hiding more that what you're finding out. I'm not saying spy on him, but watch him closely and take everything he says with a grain of salt.
The girl is fifteen. Enough said.
I had somewhat a similar problem when my first gf threatened to break up with me if I didn't stop seeing a certain girl that I was motivating/cheering up/being a friend to... she didn't even know the girl was my cousin.
So take it as you wish. I'm not siding with the guy. I'm just not really convinced that he would be stupid enough to do anything to/with a minor. I would like to believe that your boyfriend is not stupid.
Anyway, good luck.
-X-
I would be concerned, honestly. I hate to admit it, but when I was 16, I was that 15 year old girl. While they were together it was nothing physical, but it went on for like two years. They broke up around the time I was 18 and things went down almost immediately. Of course, every situation is different, but it does not look good.
guys and their omissions -_____________________________-
Unless it's a game with mutually agreed-upon rules and a start and end time you are both aware of, it's not a game I'd participate in.
Your bf is sketch
i would just talk to him and ask him about it.
the girl is 15. although some might say he is not stupid enough to do something ike that, i wouldn't be sure.some people....Drop him. That's what my ex was like (I was going to make a joke asking if it was him), there isn't a whole lot you can do. It will only get worse if this is already happening the first year of the relationship. I'm sorry. It's a shitty situation to be in once you're living with the pig =/
The longer you stay with this guy, the more he will hurt you which could lead to messing up future relationships. I'm with a wonderful guy now but since I was with a dickhead for so long I find myself trying to catch my current amazing boyfriend in guilty acts that aren't occurring... Don't let the douche scar you for life!
I think you should talk it over. Since she is 15 and a family friend, it leads me to believe that he treats her like a little sister, especially if she is going through troubling times. Try not to be judgemental and maybe he'll open up more - let him know that you want to know because the people important to him are important to you too. Maybe you'll be able to offer something that he thinks could help her as well.
I don't think omitting is the same as lying. If you ask straight up and then he omits or dodges then maybe. But just plain old not bringing up things isn't the same as lying. Anyway since she's fifteen and seems like she lives in a completely different area than you I don't see any need for worry. Sure he could be stringing you along for the next three years until she finally turns 18 and he turns 27, but do you really think he's like that? And if you do why have you been with him for a year already? Just do like Lightblue said. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, don't necessarily go out blaming him because he'll most likely just close up and not listen. If he feels that he's really helping this girl through a lot of her issues it's going to be a struggle to get him to want to stop, so you'll probably have to come up with some compromises, like "I understand you want to help, but you shouldn't lead her on or make it seem like you don't give a crap about me." etc etc. You'll figure it out once you two talk about it. Probably shouldn't jump in with that you facebook stalked all his convos with the girl either...never a good starting point.
ummmm that is kind of creepy...flirtatious messages on her facebook when he's 24 and she's 15...yeah that's not only creepy, it's gross. if she really is a family friend and he sees her as a little sister he shouldn't be talking to her like THAT
Communication is key. I'm a healthcare professional and my suggestion is to TRUST YOUR GUT!! If it walks like a predator, talks like a predator, and looks like a predator, then it probably is a predator.
And while some of the people responding think that you need to consider that your relationship up until now has been peachy, I have to tell you that in the decades that I've been working as a nurse, I've seen more than a few predators (male and female) caught stalking young teens (male and female). EVERY single one of them was in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP (married many years) and approximately 80% had CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN. None of them were in a homosexual relationship (although a few of them were caught molesting children that were the same sex). ALL of them had jobs or volunteered with youth at schools, camps, and churches.
People were shocked when the arrests came and the stories hit the news because the predator was such an upstanding member of the community/active in the church/devoted to spouse and family...These people trusted the predators because they had such a wonderful "way" with the kids. They could get on their level. The kids felt like they could talk to them about anything.
Not saying that all adult leaders/camp counselors/youth ministry leaders/school volunteers/Club-Scout-Sport coaches and leaders ...are suspect. I spent a lot of time volunteering with the clubs/scouting/sports/school groups that my kids were actively involved in. You can be a trusted adult and make a difference in the lives of kids. The difference is what you do with that trust bestowed upon you - you behave like the trustworthy and ethical and moral person that you present yourself as.
Bottom line: If you want to be there for a troubled teen who has had issues with drugs in her short life...then you present yourself as an example (The young adult who has finished school, gone to college, has a job, is independent, isn't a slave to drugs and alcohol, and who is having grown up fun that is cool and doesn't involve debauchery or getting wasted...). Presenting yourself in a flirtatious manner to a 15 year old girl who has a history (drugs and likely sexual promiscuity) is wrong on TOO many levels. I guarantee you that the girl in question believes that he's into her. Teenage girls are notorious for dreaming up a relationship over a wink or a greeting. If he's gushing over her posts, being flirty regarding her photos, and contacting her in the middle of the night...he's feeding into it.
He can't accuse you of snooping if he's broadcasting this all over facebook. I'd insist on a few sessions with a therapist. I wouldn't address this without a professional there. And I'd rethink the relationship too. Twenty years ago, I would have taken the approach that many suggest here - talking, not making much of it. Five years ago I changed my mind when we found out that one of my cousins' kids was molested by family friend who we all trusted and had known for decades.
Innocent omission isn't lying. With-holding information on purpose is lying, especially when it's done for no other reason than to hurt. One of the guys who responded here was critical of his girlfriend getting upset with his dealings with a girl - "She didn't even know she was my cousin!" Wow. Good thing he kept that fact from her; otherwise she wouldn't have been upset. Then he would have had nothing critical to say about her. Of course, then there wouldn't have been the drama, and he couldn't have played the victim. How sad.
Good luck....I'd be kicking that creep to the curb and finding someone worth your time.
or...it's not.
I don't think that either person has to prove anything of find 25 people to sign their petition that what the other person is doing is wrong. If this is who he is, and you're not cool with it, the two of you are incompatible.
We don't have to label him creepy, we don't have to lable you paranoid. The fact is you are not comfortable with someone who behaves like he does and makes the choices he makes.
Talk about it with him and if the two of you can't come to a comfortable compromise, then this relationship isnt' going to work. I doubt this is the only issue that has come up.
if you can't have honest discussions about your fears and be convinced nothing is going on then something deeper than the FB chats are ruining your relationship.
Jewelry cardMetal labelFabric labelZip PullersBarcode labelTo me, its gross. I couldnt have a bf who is sayin these things to super young girls and thinks its okay. Its not. They only get creepier as they get older and the girls they compliment still are that young.
The bigger problem here is that he is omitting things. If he didnt think it was wrong, why wouldnt he tell you. Especially, why wont he use a name? Family friends still have names. He makes it sound like shes not important yet leaves so many comments on her wall... Even "fighting" about her T-T
"He was always so secretive about it, like he is with everything else." <--That line was the deciding one. Ditch him. You will not be able to change him. You will not have a satisfying relationship with him based on mutual respect and trust. Dump him now, move out, don't ever talk to him again.
Why is your boyfriend secretive about everything to you after a whole year and why do you put up with that?