Thursday, 12 January 2012

• Dating and Our Dark Sides

  

  For the first little while of any romantic relationship, we show only our best side. It's all kisses and discovering the wonderful ways that you connect as a couple. As things progress, things get more comfortable and that's when you really get to know someone, as well as yourself.

  
  Most of us like to pretend that we don't have a dark side, until it shows up in our dating lives.

  Here's how to handle the great reveal.

  You've had a "moment," a slip up, where you let that ugly monster out of it's cage. Maybe you have a nasty passive aggressive edge and you just got back from a visit from your parents. The boyfriend or girlfriend said something that bugged you and you shot a dart that was so slim and sneaky, it bypassed the normal defenses and cut deep.

  You're shocked and so are they, so what do you do?

  One thing  you don't do, is lash out at them more, to cover up your shame about behaving badly. Weirdly, this is a common reaction, please don't do that! Instead, apologize. Immediately. Say I'm sorry and mean it. Then take a moment, go out, get some air. Go for a walk or read the paper, take a shower, a bath, whatever.

  After an hour or two has passed, come back together and talk. Do something to reconnect.  Have a walk together, give them space to talk to you about what they're feeling.

                        When it's their darkness that has come to light
  

  

                                            When you put someone up on a pedestal, they are bound to fall down.

  It's always a disappointment to find out that your partner has a cruel side, or a manipulative side, or seems to have a part of them that is just plain evil. If however, there aren't any dead bodies in their trunk, emotionally abusive freak outs or violent tenancies and you really care for them, you'll have to accept their darker side and learn how to deal.

                                             Here's how you handle your date's dark side with grace.

  1. Be curious. Why did she write that morbid poem about the death of an elephant? Did she have a bad experience at the zoo growing up?
  2. Talk, but choose your words carefully. Most people are very ashamed about the ugly inside, using judgmental words will simply push them away.
  3. If their behavior is terrible, ask them if they're aware. If you've discovered that your boyfriend is a rude patron at restaurants and a wretched tipper, ask him why.
  4. If their bad side really upsets you, tell them. Ask them if they can find a way to funnel it into proper channels or get therapy if necessary.

  Should you try and shield your significant other from your dark side?

  

  This is a tough question to answer. Obviously we always want to put our best foot forward and give our kindness to those we love. On the other side, you don't want to be hiding who you are from your partner.

  It always comes out eventually, it doesn't matter if it's a small character flaw or a major one, they never stay secret forever. The truth is your demons are your own. It's good to warn your lover about them and acknowledge it when they show up.

  At the end of the day, these are your monsters to manage.

  Don't dump on your boyfriend or girlfriend and when your dark side comes up,  deal with it, without leaning too hard on them. Relationships are an exploration in getting to know who we are in relation to other people. Who are you, and how are you going to relate to those you love, when you're at your worst?

  URL: http://firstkissconnections.com/2012/01/dating-and-our-dark-sides/

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