Thursday, 12 January 2012
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What I Learned From Having My Heart Broken
On Break-Ups
I've been in three (romantic) relationships. All three were disasters. All three break-ups were disasters. But I've learned a lot from them.Break-up #1
I was 18. Serge was 20. The experienced, slightly older guy. I think that's all I saw in him. That, and he seemed to like me, which made my self-esteem swell.
Things started going downhill when he said, "You have such a good head on your shoulders! You mustn't really suffer from depression. You don't need antidepressants." I thought I could overlook that ignorance, but he started telling me to change numerous things about myself-- my weight, my hair colour, my taste in music.
What really got to me was when he said he'd be away for the weekend and couldn't talk. And he didn't get in touch with me until a week later, when he said he'd made the whole thing up, he was just sick of me.
I know I can be clingy, but that was unacceptable.
What I learned:
It's healthy to evolve in a relationship, or to improve or change little things about yourself to make the other person happy. But when you're expected to become a completely different person just to make your lover happy? Deal-breaker.
Break-up #2
Siri was a lovely, curvy blonde from Norway. We loved the same music, Scandinavian culture & burlesque.
Three things tore us apart: Distance. My Borderline (I wasn't dealing with it well at the time, at all). Her insecurity.
And her friends interfered in our relationship. A lot. I'm not ready to talk about that part though.
What I learned:
Some relationships just can't be saved. Just hope you grew as a person & keep calm and carry on.
Break-Up #3
This is the big one. It's still a raw, open wound. It happened today.
Kamen and I were friends. We met through a mutual friend named Nelly. She's English. Kamen's American. I'm Canadian. Of course distance was a problem from the start. (WHY do I always fall for people who live far away?)
We each developed a crush on each other, and I confessed it during a late-night Facebook chat. He said that he felt the same way. Within a couple of months, our crushes turned into love. I'd never felt like that about a person before. I thought we'd last forever.
I went to visit him in the summer, then again in September. I took the bus, because it was all I could afford. I spent at least 70 hours total on buses & in Greyhound stations, but I felt it was worth it. I'd do anything for him. Anything.
Toward the end of my stay with him (the very end of November 2011), I had to look up an address. He let me use his phone (I didn't have wifi or 3G that day). I'm not used to Androids so I accidentally hit a button that brought up his latest text messages. Messages from his friend Victoria (who I thought was my friend, too), belittling me for suffering from a mental illness, making light of my emotions, & worst of all, saying I'd kill myself if he left me, but he had to because I was a crazy bitch.
I understand being angry. I know things are said out of spite and hurt sometimes. But making light of a serious mental illness? Laughing about something I'd only ever confided in him about, with his friend? That crossed a line.
Our relationship slowly died after that. And now it's fucking dead and buried. I'm better off that way.
I'm still trying to figure out what the lesson I've learned from this relationship is. So far, here's what I've got: Traveling across the continent alone has shown me I'm braver and more independent than I thought. Dealing with my suicidal thoughts, panic attacks & his cruelty regarding them has made me a much stronger person. But most importantly:
I'm not bitter. I still believe in love. Even if, romantically, I'm alone for the rest of my life, I know love is real, because the empathy my friends and family have shown me is pure and wonderful and exquisite. Plus, love isn't just romance. I'm in love with books, cities, feelings & ideas.
"My faith in love in still devout..."
To read more of my posts on love, sex, fashion & body image visit RebeccaEsther.com!
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Comments (36)
I've learned nothing and all that's happened is that I've become paranoid *some call this wisdom*. On one hand part of me says that I should change, the other says that by doing so I'm letting bad experiences get the better of me.
girls never know what they want
well, that is shitty. these are all good lessons, good luck in finding someone who learns alongside you.
oh wow, i dated a girl named siri once. there was something mechanical about her voice, but i could talk to her about ANYTHING. and she was like a fucking encyclopedia. she always knew what the weather would be, what my schedule was like, what the score of last night's football game was...
but then i asked her to marry me, and she told me that her licensing agreement didn't allow it. broke my fucking heart.
@Seussian@xanga - everyone makes mistakes, the important thing is to learn from them and change. i've found that in almost all cases, blaming things on outside circumstances is a really passive and ineffective way to live life.
I think what you may have learned from the third relationship is that not everyone is going to understand about your mentall illness. Not Victoria, not Kamen, possibly not future partners. The best you can do is work with your doctors to figure it out as best you can so that when you do discuss it in future relationships you aren't seen as just a 'crazy bitch' but as a person first. Person first, mental illness second.
Good Luck.
I've learnt never to trust a cheater again, because they will always just cheat again. Like my last boyfriend I stayed with even though he cheated on me.. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER. It'd hurt me alot if my current boyfriend cheated on me since we were together for 4 years so far, but I wouldnt get back together with him because it hurts too much..
I've never really been "in love" so I can't exactly relate. I've been in a couple of awful relationships where the guy has completely thrown me under the bus and stabbed me in the back, but I knew I was never "in love" with any of them.
I guess I'm better off that way, from the looks of it? haha.
this is written pretty well~. especially what you learned from the first break up.
My last breakup was probably the one I learned the most from. I was with this guy for 3 years, and a lot of it was rough. But I thought that we had something worth saving, so I threw everything I had into fighting for our relationship even after I should have called it quits. I also moved to another state with him, and was pretty much dependent on him since he made 8x the money I did.
lesson 1: If it feels like you're the only one putting any effort in, you probably are.lesson 2: Changing yourself won't make someone love you more, and even if it does, you'll probably love yourself less for it. lesson 3: If you're not happy, do something about it. Change is scary, and change is wonderful. Sometimes you have to take risks to find out what you really want out of life.One week before my birthday, that guy ^ broke up with me. I quit my job that week, and that weekend, I rented a uhual and moved my ass solo all the way from VA to NY. It was one of the scariest things i've ever done, and the best decision I ever made was to get the Hell out of there and come home. Almost one year later I'm starting my second semester of college, i'm dating an amazing man, and I finally feel like I have my shit together. Lessons learned.
Nice Smiths quote at the end.
@StatelessPilot@revelife - I agree.
Seems you have learned from your relationships :)
@biggirlsdontcriyiyiyi@xanga - Love the Frankie Valli reference, by the way.
I dated a German - we also broke up because of distance.
The best dating advice I ever got was from my brother - if it's hard at the beginning, it doesn't get better.
M
Thanks for sharing these personal stories :)
If there's one piece of advice I could possibly give, it would be that not every breakup has a (moral) lesson to be learned. BUT as other commenters mentioned, we learn through mistakes; all the breakups that happened in the past--and hey, maybe in the future--do give you a little bit more wisdom and help you hone what exactly it is you're seeking.
Sometimes, people are just cruel, ESPECIALLY in the face of mental illnesses and conditions that they are afraid of simply because they are unfamiliar with them. Sometimes, they're merely stupid or ignorant or too immature. Don't let these people make you give up on others--always take a chance on someone you think may be worthwhile.
"I'm not bitter. I still believe in love. Even if, romantically, I'm
alone for the rest of my life, I know love is real, because the empathy
my friends and family have shown me is pure and wonderful and exquisite.
Plus, love isn't just romance. I'm in love with books, cities, feelings
& ideas.My faith in love in still devout..." <---This is a beautiful sentiment from a strong, fierce, and independent individual and I hope you don't forget this gem of wisdom!
I was fifteen when I had my first boyfriend. And you know, as a teenager, when that first boy comes, you are practically ready to marry him. I only dated him for about three months off and on, but I was so "in love" that I lost myself. I let him use me for sex and it destroyed my life. I never talked to my family and I was always locked in my room doing bad things. I ran away and I messed up big time. It was horrid. I never thought I'd find the real me once again. Four unsuccessful relationships later, I fell in love with my best friend, and we are still together after six months. What I learned is two things:
1) Never let anyone control you.
2) After heartbreak, love CAN be found... just give it time.
What I've learned from relationships is that communication is important and honesty is key. If you aren't honest, you're hurting your SO and yourself. If you're mad about something, talk about it, don't just shut down and build resentment. Also, no one is perfect, so don't expect them to be.
I'm glad you are learning from these experiences. It can only get better from here!
What I've learned in relationships and breakups is that I don't know how to choose partners. I need to get MY head together or I'm setting my heart up for an ugly break. It's one thing to grow apart, or over time find out you are not deeply compatible, it's another to have a long distance relationship while you're right close up.
For some reason I keep picking guys who aren't sure they want a relationship. It's pretty much a no brainer that this isnt going to work out, yet I keep on trying.
I admire your strength for not only putting up with those jerks, but learning from them.
It seems like the mental illness was a common factor for all three...is your condition strong enough to be perceivable if you don't say anything? I know it's a part of you and it's frowned upon to have to hide a part of yourself, but sometimes people don't understand mental illnesses. It's like having a bias based on stereotypes and fear stand in the way of something beautiful before it can develop to the point that the one you're in a relationship with is strong enough or understands you enough to face it.
I have some friends who are very manic, but when they stay on their meds, it's difficult to tell they are sick. And nothing about them is abnormal because when I think about them I'm like, "What? Really?", and their boyfriends are supportive because they aren't scared. But I knew this one girl who wouldn't take her meds, really threw a fit whenever her boyfriend did something slightly less in her favor...and at the end of the day I couldn't blame him for not being with her.
Regardless, it takes a real mad/real woman with maturity be a true lover. Keep following your heart :).
you have a beautiful tongue. haha i love your speaking voice. anchor.
i understand what you went thru bc my past relationships were not the best as well. however, we all live and we learn. sometimes giving yourself time to find yourself first will help the person you are looking for find you. :)
Relationships can be a lot of things but one thing I have learned is that none of them are easy. Trials are always in place and some are just not worth the personal sacrifice. Over the years I have gained an entirely new outlook on life as a whole just because I had hit rock bottom in one of my old relationships.
Lessons learned:
1. Never sacrifice your happiness. It is the basis of your exsistance... fuck with it and it will fuck with you.
2. Learn to love yourself. See your flaws and if they are fixable, fix them. If they are just who you are then learn to cope. Which leads me into number 3.
3. Perfection does not exsist! Perfection is imperfection and acceptance with a smile. Enough said.
4. People have their weak moments and that is perfectly acceptable. However, when you are doing anything over 50 percent of the work for a long period of time reevaluation is needed. STAT!
5. Personal space is a RIGHT not a privelleage and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
6. Honesty and being yourself is everything. Feeling comfortable is very freeing and how it should be.
7. Changing for someone is stupid. Changing for yourself is brilliant. Give and take is expected form both sides.
8. Protect yourself. If you find yourself staying inside, losing all your friends, grades droping, lack of energy anything of the sort GET OUT!
9. Never forget your dreams and goals. They will shape you and help guide you when things seem impossible or if darkness is consuming you.
10. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. It is the smart thing to do and never ignore warning signs always address a problem. DON'T WAIT thinking it will get better -_- it won't.
That Victoria *itch was so jealous. I hope...something bad happens to her...not to get explicit...