Tuesday, 10 January 2012
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Relationships and Religious Differences
I've been seeing this guy for almost 4 months now and things are great. He's really sweet and helpful, super cute, successful, we agree on religion (agnostic atheists) and politics (pretty liberal as far as social policy goes, moderate to left leaning on economics). 90% of the time, we agree to disagree quite well, and we have the same sense of humor (nothing is off limits to be made fun of), etc.There's just one little problem: his family.
They're Christian. I don't mean the believe in God, go to church once a month Christians. I mean like, young earth creationist, home school our kids, no sex before marriage Christians.
They know he no longer attends church, but we sincerely doubt that they suspect that he's atheist.
I have no problem with this, as I generally take a 'live and let live' attitude towards such things, especially when a relationship I really care about hinges on it. Normally my only qualm is that I'd have no hesitation to defend my perspective on things if asked, but for my awesome guy I can let that go. I was willing to just lie about my religion like he does, and he said that would probably be the best way to handle things if I met them.
However, we'd been putting off me meeting them as he's really concerned that they'll immediately assume we're getting married and put all kinds of pressure on him. Now the real problem is that his mom figured out that I'm atheist through Facebook posts.
Apparently while out at lunch one day, she asked my boyfriend whether or not I was an atheist out of no where (as far as he knew she had no idea who I was yet), and he was so confused he answered honestly. He asked how she knew that, and she said she read it on my Facebook, which means she checked my profile the second he added me. When he asked why she was asking, she just said she noticed I'd been posting on his wall a lot lately. Based on this and her earlier expression of her suspicion that he has a girlfriend, she probably assumed we are dating.
She then immediately proceeded to try to get him to ask the waitress for her number, because "her ears aren't pierced, so she was probably raised in a conservative household."
I have 3 holes pierced in my ears. I am so screwed.
I assume she knows we're dating, and yet is trying to hook him up with other girls, which cannot be a good sign for her opinion of me.I'm just so worried that they won't like me and they'll be mean to me, or try to get him to break up with me. He's said that they can't make his decisions for him, and I believe him, but I can't imagine that kind of pressure from his parents would be healthy for our relationship. Plus if they find out he's atheist it won't matter that he was atheist before he met me, they might just see me as the devil woman who tempted their good Christian boy away from the light.
We can't put off this introduction forever. He just bought a house and if they decide to pop in and I'm there it will be mega awkward. This leads to another thing he's worried about: that they'll find out he's having sex. I think this one is less of a big deal than he makes it out to be, as they got pregnant with him out of wedlock, but just because they did it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll accept it if he does.
My plan is to just not bring it up when I meet them, and if they ask just say I was raised Catholic and now I'm agnostic (which is technically true, I'm an agnostic atheist...), but if the questions go any deeper than that I'm not sure what to say. I just want to diffuse things and stir the pot as little as possible.
Anyone got any advice? How would you handle the situation? Anyone ever been in a relationship where your partner's parents didn't approve of you or your religious values?
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About the Author
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- From: jenessa1889@xanga
- About Me: I've just finished my bachelors in psychology this spring and I started a ph D. program in neuroscience in August. I try to treat everyone with respect and to be open minded to all ideas. I like to think and debate about things, particularly in philosophy and politics. I ask questions a lot. I love to learn. I love anything artistic. I'm very touchy-feely with the people I'm close too. I'm very liberal, but I understand why some conservative ideals exist, even if I don't agree with them. I'm very against drugs (that includes alcohol), but if that were a requirement for all my friends I wouldn’t have any haha. I love life and I find myself moved to tears on a regular basis by simple little things. Sometimes I randomly think of something funny and I have to try really hard not to burst out laughing so I don’t look crazy. I like using big words.
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Comments (55)
I have to deal with this situation except the issue isn't religion but the fact that his family is wealthy and mine's dirt poor. After 5 years his mother still won't accept that we are perfect for each other and always talks about "the girl he'll marry (not me despite our engagement)".
Honestly sometimes people are so set in their ways that there's just nothing you can do. Be as polite as you can, bite your tongue till it bleeds, and at the end of the day just concern yourself with having the best relationship with him possible.
Lying about your beliefs would be the easiest, but not necessarily the best option. With those kinds of people, it's usually impossible to leave your religious beliefs to yourself, or I would say just don't talk about it. My family is religious, I'm not and my Bf isn't. I'm open about it and so is he so I guess I don't really have any good advice on this. Sorry.
@Gorrific@xanga - I can sympathize with this. I haven't met my Bf's parents for this very reason. They have money, my family doesn't. He's told me from the beginning, when we were friends, that his parents are snooty. They've only liked one of his previous Gf's because her family had money. They know about me, but they haven't made an effort to meet me either.. so whatever.
It's not important that people agree in these situations. Not everyone will always be happy.
Ideally, though, everyone will be civil and respectful. In the situations where someone isn't, I believe it's the job of the person in-between to set the tone. Religion is no excuse to disrespect another person.
Okay I don't think it really has to do with religion...
I personally am Christian. I attend church and sing on my worship team. I am def. not a Christian who thinks "Secular music" is bad.
I listen to system of a Down, Otep, Atreyu, Disturbed, and other things. I use to get everything I wore from Hot Topic before it turned all skater scene.
My boyfriend (Husband now) introduced me to his mom and she kicked me out. She knew I was Christian. She didn't care. I even left the church I went to to go to theirs. Well in front of me she was trying to get my boyfriend to flirt with the girls from there church. She even went to the lengths of inviting other girls over to there house.
Eventually I called her out on it and told her she is no better then me, that she is no better then anyone and that isn't what the Bible teaches us. She got mad and told him to chose me or her. He chose me and moved in with me.
We have been together ever since. She is still really nasty with me but I don't care. Well I do but ultimately what matter's is my Husband and me. Thing is She has always been very nasty with me and I have never once been respectful towards her.
I think it is more of a Crazy mom thing, not a matter of religion. I notice it a lot with parents using the religion as a reason to appose some one, when really it's just them being hateful.
I'm an athiest. I don't apologize for it. Neither should you.
If your personality, behavior, accomplishments, etc. is not enough for them, then that is their problem. It is the way we treat one another that makes the most difference in people's lives regardless of religious/non-religious beliefs.
I handled it the way I always did when the topic came up. I would tell them I love their daughter and whatever her wishes were for the relationship, I compromise. My athiesm does not rule the relationship and neither should the religious beliefs that she was raised in.
"As I recall, we are in this together, not our religious beliefs. If our beliefs ran our relationship, there wouldn't be one."
-X-
YES... been there. Without telling the entire story, which is insanely long... It essentially came down to my (then) fiance being forced to choose between his family and me... NOT by me, by his step-father. Though it wasn't really much of a choice thing. He was given an "order" to break off our engagement. When he refused, he was kicked out. Even after John and I were engaged, his step-father was STILL trying to set him up with other people of his choosing. People who's families had money mostly. People who would support his ridiculous excuse of a ministry.
His mother was ok with me, for the most part... but his step-father refused to let her come to our wedding. He threatened to cause problems if she did. The guy was a psycho con-artist posing as a Messianic pastor... he is still the head of an organization that rips people off. His problem with me was 1) I had no money, nor does my family. 2) I refused to go along with his ridiculous adherence to Jewish law and called him out on the hypocrisy of holding others accountable to it while hardly following it himself. Like I said, it's a long story, but it has a happy current state of existence. My husband and I have been married for 13 years now. His mother divorced the psycho and for years has been a part of our lives.
As far as dealing with conservative Christian types. Don't let them get to you. They will try to tell you you're going to hell for being an atheist, but that's just crap. If your BF is serious about them not making his decisions for him... then trust him to stick by you.
@MommyMarty22@xanga - @keystspf@xanga - @Gorrific@xanga - thank you so much for your stories. it really helps to know that even if all our worst fears come true and his family hates me there's still a chance that it won't ruin our relationship. knowing you guys were able to stick it out gives me hope =)
@MommyMarty22@xanga - I meant never once been disrespectful**** :/
@MommyMarty22@xanga - lol that's what i figured =p
Never apologize for who you are. Never. :)
I'm probably just repeating what everyone else is saying, but here goes: If your boyfriend's dating you, his parents should accept that. That's it. I know it's hard to deal with parents who disapprove, but if they disapprove so much that they are disrespectful, sometimes the best choice is to make your boyfriend choose between them or you. It's hard, yes, but they may never let up. It's YOUR relationship, not theirs.
Honestly, it's none of his parents business who he's dating. It's his life, not theirs. It's not his fault or yours if his parents decide to throw a bitch fit over your lack of belief. Again, it's his life, his business. His parents are just going to have to get over it. That's the way I look at it.
As far as my relationships, it's not been an issue. My first girlfriend was an atheist, as were her parents, so it was definitely a non-issue. My second girlfriend had been disowned by her parents though for being M-to-F transsexual, so I wouldn't have met them one way or another because she wanted nothing to do with them (the feeling on that was mutual). That said, if her parents had met me, I'd likely be a dead man!
Just want to point out: i haven't met them yet, so they might very well turn out to be totally civil to me, there are some bad signs so this is really mostly nerves talking
I think it's important to just be honest. I mean, she already knows what you believe and if you try to play it off as something else, it's only going to make things worse. Hopefully she'll be welcoming but if not, there's not much to be done. Just stay polite so that she can't use anything against you in the future.
I didn't have to deal with disapproving parents, my husband's dad considered me to be his kid too. Mom was never in the picture. BUT his aunt and cousin made things really difficult. I was at their house visiting while my husband was deployed and his aunt told me at dinner "we liked it when he was with his ex-girlfriend better, we got to see him more often." EVERYONE at the dinner table agreed. Besides the fact that he was still in highschool when he was with his ex and NOT deployed, like it was my fault or something. I should have just left the house but I toughed it out. He later found out about it and now relations are strained with his family. Good luck meeting his family! I hope your experiences turn out for the better.
Your man needs to grow some balls and tell his mom to either respect his differences and his lifestyle (including you), or else she won't be hearing from him. I had two boyfriends before with similar problems to this, and I will not stand for it again. If you are too afraid to stand up to mommy then I'll find someone who isn't. It will likely just create problems in the future when his mom picks fights with you and he cannot even conjure up the audacity to demand that she respect your existence.
@Gorrific@xanga - I would never tolerate that. Anyone who thinks that they are superior in any way on the sole basis of being rich is a moral degenerate and should be ashamed of themselves. I hope your boyfriend demands greater respect for you from his mom, as time goes on. You don't deserve that (at least based on that factor alone, since I don't know you otherwise).
@lewk@xanga - exactly. Discrimination is discrimination, and it should never be tolerated when against someone whom one loves and cares for.
I think he needs to be honest with his parents. I honestly would have little to no respect for a guy who can't even be his true self around his own parents and would just not date him, but if he's worth it let him know that he needs to be honest. If he can lie about something this fundamental to the two people who raised him, I would be concerned that he would lie about more important things in the future to you. As for religion, it's complicated. I am very Christian and I understand how his parents would be concerned, but quite frankly they're probably more concerned because they think their son is still Christian.
My husband's mom is a Christian and just got worse when her dad died. She assumes that if you were raised in a Christian house, you're a Christian. End of story. I've mentioned being a witch before and she pretended she accepted it, but when we were talking about our ceremony (we got married in a courthouse just in front of my parents and pretty much eloped from everyone else and are planning on having a ceremony one day). I mentioned that our ceremony would be a hand-fasting not an actual wedding but if it was a wedding it wouldn't involve a preacher and when the lawyer said our vows he left God out of it. We didn't get married because my parents wouldn't have accepted a hand-fasting. My mom is ashamed of my astrology diploma, my dad is proud because I graduated with high honors. His mom kept saying we needed to get a preacher so we're thinking now of either not doing the ceremony at all or just inviting friends. We just let her live in denial that I'm of a more magical path (and have been for several years) and he is nonreligious but leaning towards what I'm into. Sometimes you just have to ignore the parents. Because of how we first got together, for months his mom tried to break us up just to get him to move back in her house.
you could always say you're uncomfortable talking about your beliefs, if they don't take "agnostic" as an acceptable answer.. good luck!
Tell her to stuff it. you can believe in whatever you damn well please! if she doesnt like it... well that makes her a pretty shitty christian. :) gotta love the ignorance of religion.
While I think you should stand your ground, no matter what anyone says...when you marry him, you marry his family. (I know you aren't talking marriage but you see what I mean, I hope) So, you need to decide what you will and will not accept as far as behavior and go from there.
If you want to make an effort to make things as smooth as possible, call yourself agnostic. If these people are Christians they should not be judging you anyway!
First, don't build a case against them if you haven't actually met them and gotten a reaction, kinda like you're hoping THEY aren't building a case against you!
Second, you haven't been with him that long, so...let's not jump the gun.
Third, if you do end up getting engaged, it's true to a degree that when you marry a person you marry their family. Unless he has, for his own reasons, disengaged from his family, they will be a part of his life and a part of yours. Take that into serious consideration because it is not fair to give someone the ultimatum, them or me. Assume it is going to be them AND me.
It sounds like you have some set ideas about what they are going to be like due to their beliefs, and it sounds like they might have a few ideas about what you are going to be like based on yours. I hope all of you are pleasantly surprised.
@ccccourage@xanga - I hope so too. It's really more my boyfriend's concern that's making me worry. He knows them better than I do obviously and he seems to think it won't go well, but I hope he's just underestimating them. I also agree that an ultimatum is a bit unfair as long as they're not like harassing me. They've known him since birth, so they're going to be important to him to some degree nO matter what, so I have no interest in messing up that relationship
Why would his parents have so much influence in his life if he's of an age and financial situation to be buying his own house? Take your hint from what he does now. If he defends you and tells his parents that they can either accept his choice or be on the margins of his life, you know you have someone who will be loyal to you no matter what. If, on the other hand, he tends to want to sneak around with you and won't tell his parents what's what, he will probably be unduly influenced by them and intimidated his whole life, which I would advise you to run from.
What matters is that the two of you share your beliefs, not you and his parents. You aren't dating them.