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I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship of 4 years on account of my partner having a 7 month affair. I was distraught and hurt and leaned on a close friend. We became extremely dependent on each other with them breaking up a 5 year relationship around the same time.
One night, a little while later, we mutually expressed our feelings and said, "I love you." I thought this meant we were now exclusive and dating because why else would you express that unless you wanted to be with them?
When we returned home they said they still didn't want to date me due to the thoughts and opinions of everyone else. I felt like they were completely ashamed of me and horrified and I expressed this on several occasions. We had finally agreed that they would at least tell their friends we were sleeping together but not in a relationship which right away they already gave excuses why this would not be done for a while.
They refused to step up and show me anything to make me feel secure about how they felt. I felt unworthy and not worth fighting for.
About a month after our agreement, I hung out with a mutual friend and we got intoxicated. Our friend approached me asking to fool around several times and I even told them I was sleeping with someone, but left it at that out of respect for the other one's choice of keeping things quiet. They proceeded to remind me that we were not official and that it wouldn't be a problem just casual.
After a couple hours of this asking then backing off (I couldn't leave because I had too much and lived too far away to taxi) they kissed me and I gave in and ended up manually pleasuring them. I did not receive anything in return. All through summer the original relationship continued where they still refused to date me but kept getting more serious so I finally got the courage to tell them about the regretful night.
At first they said it wasn't cheating because we weren't official and that was their choice but now they have switched and said it is. We are trying to sort things out and regain trust, but they want me to admit it was cheating but I can't. It was bad and a betrayal and I feel horrible and have worked hard to show them now that we are finally official I would never do something like that but at that point in time, they had chosen to not fully commit to me.
Is this fully cheating or just a serious bad judgement call?
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Comments (61)
I wouldn't say it was cheating. Put yourself in their shoes, would you think they cheated on you if they did that? They can be hurt but overall, you were the one who wanted to be exclusive and he/she didn't...so you were able to do what you wanted.
Umm wow I'm seriously thrown off every time you say "they" but then I have to remind myself you're not talking about society, or more than one person, but some guy. Also, manually pleasuring is probably the least sexual-sounding term for a sexual act I've heard yet. :P
It doesn't count as cheating.
You didn't cheat. I think you need to find happiness with yourself as a single person, and then only venture into a relationship afterwards. Don't be anyone's secret. You deserve to be shown off. If someone's ashamed of you, then someone doesn't deserve you.
You were on a break.
That isn't cheating; they weren't willing to commit to you, so they have no right to claim you betrayed them. I suggest you leave and find someone that doesn't treat you like this.
sounds like he probably said the love word to get you to be his friends with benefits and it is understandable how some would be ashamed of telling their family/friends that they have a f*** buddy. I don't really see why they would fight for a girl that they are casually sleeping with. it isn't cheating but expecting more out of a drunken casual fling isn't really ideal. it can work in some cases but don't count on it. you want more out of the fling but they don't want a serious relationship. then they want you to admit that you were cheating when they didn't want to be in a relationship. friends with benefits drama and irrational expectations.
If this person didn't want to commit to you, they can't really be that mad about it. I just got out of a similar situation, actually, because I didn't want to play the whole "I love you, but I don't want anything serious or committed, but let's hang out every day and sleep with each other" game.
But, my point is, if someone straight up tells you they don't want to commit to you then you're free to do what you'd like and they should have realized that could happen before getting themselves hurt.
They have no right to be mad. "He" refuses to commit to you and refuses to even own up to being with you so you have the right to do anything with anyone. That is not cheating, even if you'd had sex with the other friend, you guys were just fwb, nothing more.
they?
It isn't cheating. The guy was too worried about what others thought to commit to you.. there was no relationship because commitment wasn't what he wanted. Classic move of people wanting to have their cake and eat it too. Serves him right.
I understand it's very normal and natural to seek comfort when you're hurting, but when it's because of a breakup, turning to a guy friend isn't the best idea. It's the old argument of whether guys and girls can be just friends. If you're both in fragile states and questioning your feelings, of course there is a good chance things are going to become more complicated and involved.
I've been there. I've done it. And I've learned my lesson. Haven't you seen the classic movies where guys look for vulnerable (drunk, just getting out of a relationship, etc...) girls? Don't put yourself in these situations in the future.
By the way, I did not write this to criticize you. Don't get the wrong idea. Like I said, I've done it too. But learn from your mistakes and don't let it happen again. I just think it's healthier to give yourself some space and "me time" after a breakup until you can think clearly and aren't overwhelmed with feelings of your ex at the same time as a friend/or possibly more.
@justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga - Totally agree. If he wasn't willing to say you were in a committed relationship, how can it be cheating? You're only cheating on someone if you're actually in a relationship with them.
Okay "they" seriously confuses me. Are you talking about your close friend, your ex, or both.. seriously =.=
I'm sorry. I seriously missed the entire point of this post based on the constant use of "they" in reference to a single person. Based on the title, I'll say yes. If you have to ask if it's cheating, it probably is.
@mirrorslie@xanga - That was my first thought, too, and I would say in most cases it's true: if you think it is, or you have to ask, then the answer is yes.
In this case, though, if you aren't exclusive (especially since you asked to be exclusive and they turned you down), they have no right to tell you what you can and can't do with others. (However, may I point out that letting someone else pressure you into doing something sexual isn't the best idea?)
You are valuable, and neither of these two people treated you like it. Sounds like you need some new "friends" (or just friends).
your use of plural pronouns instead of "he" or "she" confused me.
You can't cheat on a relationship that does not exist. This guy is using you for sex but won't give you the respect of an actual relationship. You are being manipulated, and now he is trying to guilt you into staying in this unhealthy set up, and you now feeling worse about yourself, and that you owe him something.
The only person you owe anything to is yourself. I hope you are able to get yourself unglued from these guys. Figure out what you want, and find a way to develop healthy boundaries for yourself. You deserve better, but it looks like you are hurting and confused. Maybe some time off from sexual relationships might be a good idea until you heal and sort your feelings out. Hugs.
I went through something similar after the break up of a long term relationship.
I must agree with everyone else. Your use of pronouns is extremely confusing. However, I'm going to assume as everyone else and take that you meant "they" as the dude who didn't want to commit. He's not ashamed of you. If he was, he wouldn't be sleeping with you and keeping you around. He's using you to get over his relationship and his insecurities from his past relationship. Your just a revenge and comfort fuck. However, because you turned the tables on him by going along with what he wanted, and fooling around with another guy, he is now jealous and wants you to admit some sort of wrong and commitment to him, so he can feel better about himself. He wants to just fool around and be a playboy, while you get the short end. Don't let him take advantage of you. And of course, don't let him make you feel unworthy. He's just a fuck.
It was really confusing to read "they" when you were referring to "he"!
PFFFFT this guy wants his cake and wants to eat it too! NOT CHEAT NOT CHEATING NOT CHEATING! unless it is confirmed EXCLUSIVE by both parties, and respect is a mutual agreement, then you have no reason to own up or admit to any wrong.
i personally would sock this douch in the junk and then post his nudes online... jusss sayin. ;)
not cheating. you weren't together. i think it was more a bad judgement because you just didnt like the guy and probably weren't that into it. boundries woman.
I was in this situation once, guy wouldn't date me but would sleep with me, and I would say it's totally not cheating. You're not dating so you can do what you want with who you want. They're possibly doing the same thing and I would say that if that thought bothers you then you need to stop sleeping with this person. Also if you feel like it could be cheating then maybe you did something you didn't want to do because you really care about this other person even though they wont be in a relationship with you.
Discussing this with the person you're sleeping with is something you should probably do. You can set boundaries if needed. Find out if you're on the same page.
if you feel like you did wrong.. and that you betrayed the other person or what you "had"... then i would say thats cheating.
If you two were never officially together, no, it's not cheating. What it is is a situation where someone got the wrong impression. You owe them an apology, as well as they owe you one for leading you on in a different way. Try talking to this person about it again.
Uhh..."they"?? 0___o....
Girl, if you're gonna cheat on an asshole, YOU should be the one recieving...Just saying. How come women not only give up their goods so easily, but they look to pleasuring the MAN more than the man pleasures them?! Not condoning cheating, but clearly you weren't cheating anyways. I mean, really, he treats you like asshole if he won't even tell people he's dating you. What a fruitbag.