Saturday, 07 January 2012
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The Age-Old Question: Can Guys & Girls Be Friends?
Last night my friend Elio (yes, like the pizza) and I had a conversation about guys and girls. It began when I started talking about how my friend Mike is a DJ. The second I used the words “My friend Mike” though…
“I’m gonna stop you right there. Guys and girls can’t be friends,” Elio said. “There are only a few exceptions: Either you two dated, in which case you’re not really friends, you grew up together, or it’s a significant other of your same-gender friend. Or, of course, one of you is gay.”
“Well, we actually did date for a little while…” I said.
“There ya go. And, trust me, if you gave the okay, he’d get with you in a second. That’s why we can’t be friends with girls.”
Immediately I knew I had to blog about this on www.JenAndMen.com (and Datingish). Is this true?! Are all guys willing to throw away a friendship for one night of fun? I can only speak for myself, but I take my friendships seriously. In that microsecond before a guy kisses me, my thoughts are going a mile a minute. No more phones calls crying about guys, No more doing shots after having a bad date, No more texting to tell him about something funny. Because I know that that kiss changes everything from “friend status” to “it’s complicated” — and who the hell wants to add complication into their lives?
Let’s break down Elio’s exceptions, shall we?
(1) Either you two dated, in which case you’re not really friends. Can you not be friends with your ex? As long as the guy doesn’t cheat on you, I don’t see a problem becoming friends with them again. After all, you were best friends while you were dating. I’m friends with a few of my exes and, for the most part, it’s worked out pretty well.
(2) You grew up together: I guess this kind of gives you a brother/sister-like bond? I don’t know; I don’t think you have to know someone for a decade before you can be true friends. Awhile? Yes. But your whole life? Egh. I reject that one.
(3) It’s a significant other of your same-gender friend. You can only be my friend if I’m your boy’s girlfriend? Rejectionnn. Just because I have a vagina doesn’t mean we can’t talk like human beings. Come on, now.
(4) One of you is gay. You have to like penises or I have to be a lesbian for you to be my friend? Absurd!
Well, I firmly believe that guys and girls should be able to be friends. Sadly, though, almost every single one of my guy friends has tried to get with me in one way or the other…and I’ve had to laugh in their faces. Ugh, guys. If girls weren’t so strong and always thought with their sex organs, then I think Elio would totally be accurate. Although, I can't really blame *my* guy friends. After all, I am really, really hot...
Do you think guys and girls can be friends? Ever think ‘Yes’ but then had something happen with a friend of yours?
--Jen from www.JenAndMen.com
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About the Author
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- From: Jenn
- About Me: I have been on more bad dates than I have fingers and toes to count on -- and I'm only in my early twenties! I laugh when I watch 'Sex & the City,' because I've had so many dysfunctional relationships that they might as well as made me their 5th friend. Even so, I used to love going on dates with different guys (now I only let one guy take me out on dates), eating great food, and talking on the phone until 3AM. I never did get over the idea that a guy should treat a girl like a princess -- even if I've encountered one too many frogs.
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Comments (59)
How can you be friends with a species of being who gives you brain lock and causes you to act all stupid and feel things that are...well...things?
My best friend is a man. That doesn't mean it wasn't complicated at times. I had my moments where I wanted to be in a relationship with him, because of the bond I have with him, but we worked through that (without dating). He is the person I call when I need someone. In fact, very few of my friends are women.... and no. I am not a lesbian.
Well, this is going to be a long answer, but here we go:
1. One of my best friends is an ex. He actually broke my heart when we were dating, but after a year, I got over it. From what I can tell (at least from my side of the equation), I would NEVER date him again. Plus, I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. So, we're just friends. I guess it depends on what he thinks though.
2. This one's a little bit more complicated. I have a guy friend that I've known since preschool. Yes, we have tried to date in the past, but it's never worked out. We tried so many times that we mutually decided not to try anymore. So, just friends.
3. Yes, I have a lot of male friends who are S.O.s of my female friends. This one makes sense, I suppose. But what happens when the two break up? I say that the friendship can still be strong, mainly because I have a rule that if I'm still friends with my female friend, I won't date someone that she's dated. So there we go.
And finally, 4. I have a gay best friend. Everyone should have a gay best friend. I wouldn't count him as a "male friend" though because he acts too much like me. He's even told me NOT to count him as one of my male friends (haha).
There, I covered all the bases. Now, do I have any male friends that do not fit into these categories? YES! Quite a few actually. I can't say I know exactly what they're thinking, but I'd like to keep in mind that they are truly my friends and not just my friends because they want to have sex with me. But who's to say that even if that's the case, they can't still be my friend? I mean, think about it. Every guy you date is both your friend AND your partner. "Friend" and "partner" are not an exclusive thing. I guess what I'm saying is that "friend" is a flexible term. It really depends on who you are, where you are in your life, and how you see the people around you.
Yes, I've just been friends with guys. Yes, some of them wanted to sleep with me (or well any girl) but not all of them. Yes some of them were gay and some were not.
Men who are mature know that women are good for more than just sex. It's silly to assume or act like all men want to sleep with every woman they know.
As a guy who has had a lot of girls as friends, yes. It can be somewhat difficult when that friend just so happens to be attractive, but it's possible! You just gotta be a little more mature and think less with you tool in your pants and more with your brain.
about half of the guys, I don't have more than friends feelings for and would most likely never get with and the other about half, I think are cute and secretly hope they think I'm cute, too
it doesn't necessarily mean that I want to date them but it is nice to have a friend, who also happens to be cute and that I can be semi-flirty with and stroke each other's egos
What about the guys that usually get along with girls? You know, the opposite of girls having mostly guy friends... Anyways, that's my case. I mostly talk to and be-friend girls. And I am friends with my ex-girlfriends (depending on the fall out).
As Marshall from HIMYM would say, "lawyer-ed."
I've had plenty of male friends. That's not to say that there wasn't attraction, but if you're both mature, you can be just friends. Of course there's the chance it might turn into more (my current bf and I were friends first), but that doesn't mean that HAS to happen.
It depends on the people involved.
Without actually reading this I'm gonna say girls can be friends with guys. But guys can't be friends with girls. Eventually they will try to push for something more.
Yes they can be friends, but I think the overwhelming majority of the time there are some other feelings that rear their head and lurk about. That doesn't mean people need to or choose to act on them, but I think they are there.
I'm a woman and I have had very few, if any, guy friends I didn't think about getting with, or crush on at one time or another, It's how I'm wired.
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I think you can be friends with guys but I also know it can be hard to be friends with the opposite sex.
Most of my closest friends are guys and yes some of them have propositioned me for sex, I did find some of these moments offensive mostly because I make it clear that I don't screw around with my friends and these guys tried to use your friend's explanation for why guys and girls can't just be friends. I have great platonic friendships with guys who just see me as a friend and nothing more, so I think a real friendship depends on both parties.
TRUE TRUE TRUE.
Unfortunately I find it hard to be "just friends" with a guy because usually guys wont be interested in a friendship with a girl unless they are interested in them as more than just friends. Or I find that guys will slowly develop feelings for me.
i have plenty of guy friends!
but they all probably wanted to bang me at one point in time.
*sigh* And here I was, expecting an intelligent discussion.
For the rest of us who see men as more than walking penises, yes, this is possible.
The majority of my friends are guys. One of my friends I've been friends with for along time.. I think he's cute but we have never dated or anything. We still remain good friends. Otherwise about half of my guy friends I haven't dated and some I don't find very attractive. The other half that I am attracted to I have dated or we almost dated. I still am friends with some of my exes also. So therefore I don't believe that guys and girls can't be just friends... I have PROOF.
If it were just the simple question of "can guys and girls be friends?" I would say yes, but I think what the real question is, can a guy and a girl be close friends? Of course you can say "oh, that's John, he's a friend we went to high school and had class together", but the real meaning of that is "I've talked to him in class for half of or an entire school year and said 'hi' to them outside of school and through text". But it doesn't mean you're real friends, they're more of a nice acquaintance but no one wants to say "oh yea that's John, my acquaintance from high school".
Now, I don't truly think a guy and girl can be close friends unless their situation is one of the exceptions your friend mentioned. I have rarely heard of a twosome that can honestly say they were just friends, never liked/dated each other, didn't grow up together, and are both straight. There is always something in that friendship, whether they got passed it or not, that would make it just like every other guy/girl friendship. I can see why people don't include liking each other, its because nothing happened. But IMO there were feelings on one side or the other or on both at some point and that just taints the friendship a little.
But who knows, there may be some awesome exceptions.
My best friend is a guy and he doesn't fit any of these. Your friend (and the people agreeing with him) are full of bullcrap.
It's certainly possible. In many cases, though, guys make the first friendly move because they want to get into her pants, while girls accept guys as friends because they can then use them for money and a rebound.
My closest guy friend and I did have a past. But all my other close guy friends I've grown up with. It's hard for me to make newer guy friends because they all seem to have ulterior motives :S. I think it is possible, but there has to be maturity on both ends.
poor dead horse. what did it ever do to you?
My best friend is a straight male. We met in high school. Never dated. Never fooled around. Never even kissed. Have I wondered what it would be like to date him? Yeah, sure. But I never really got far because I can't think of him in a romantic way. Physically, he's an attractive guy I guess, but I can't see myself looking at him the same way I look at my boyfriend. Has he thought about dating me? If he has, he hasn't told me. When I say he is my BEST friend, I mean I trust him more than my best female friend. There was never a discussion of "We're just going to be friends," either. We just are. I have had a lot of people tell me they're skeptical about his motives or that I'm lying until they meet him and see how we interact. I grew up a tomboy, and a lot of my current male friends never saw me in a dress until Junior Prom. It's almost like I have some sort of unwritten understanding. I can count on one hand the number of my male friends that have expressed attraction or feelings towards me since high school, and we are no longer close friends because I didn't want the drama or confusion. I'm not saying this kind of thing happens all the time, but it's definitely possible for opposite genders to be platonic with each other.