Friday, 06 January 2012
I walked away from my relationship because I was pushed off the edge. I wasn't on the edge, I was pushed off it. I'm going to explain briefly how I was pushed off the edge.
First off it was the cheating. No explanation needed there. And this wasn't the "I assumed that you were cheating because..." crap. No. This was "I found used condoms in your apartment bedroom" kind of thing. So after a long time for myself to think and quite a bit of talking, I gave her a second chance. This was the first time I ever gave a relationship a second chance after being cheated on. Ever. I'm always the type of guy that would just walk away from a girl who cheated.
The next thing was her excessive partying. In her life, as I have observed, this was the hierarchy of importance: God, family, partying and drinking, me. I came to accept that in time but when she drinks the entire night while I'm away and she doesn't even call or let me know she is okay til late the next day, naturally, a person who cares and loves her like I do will worry.
On her 21st birthday (a year before we started dating) she got wasted and got taken advantage of by two guys she works with. With this information in mind, I worry a lot about her. Mainly because even I had trouble keeping control of her drinking. And the fact that the people who you trust are often those who would take advantage of you made me think about her safety even more.
This did not happen just once. But every time she would go out and party, it would always be the same. I asked her to at least let me know when she gets home. There was one point where she even almost lost her engagement ring because she was too drunk. She was lucky enough to have a friend who kept it for her. It was happening so often that I got used to it. And you know it's bad when you start assuming that's what's going to happen anyway so why bother.
Then there's the emotional blackmailing. Whenever we have an argument, she would always revert to the question "Do you love me?" or "Why do you like hurting my feelings?" As if the question would remedy the fact that she had broken multiple promises she had made.
At the start of the relationship, she asked me to sever connections with any of my exes and even implied that I should not communicate with my female friend whom I have known for eight years. BUT... when I asked her to stop talking to her ex, she didn't do the same, which eventually led to her cheating on me as I explained above. She would also often imply that she would be committing suicide. Phrases like "Well, I'm trash anyway so this life is not worth living." She used this tactic so much that I began to not take her seriously.
Whenever we would have arguments and I clearly have a point, she just reverts to childish "button pressing." In other words: she just shoots off stuff to try and piss me off and ignore the main topic. I've been told many times that I should just know how she feels and adjust accordingly... but of course, when I ask the same thing it's never done for me.
Then there was the chat session with her guy friend. Explicit and a type of conversation I would never have with another woman. But apparently, it's okay for her to do things that she doesn't want me to do.
These are just some, I repeat: SOME, of the things that really made me frustrated and angry. But I kept my cool and looked at it from a realistic point of view most of the time and eventually found a way to get past it. But it would happen again and she would go back on her word to do or not do certain things. Until the last week of our relationship, she was still talking to her ex after promising me that she would not and after demanding that I would stop talking to my exes at the start of the relationship.
So now that I have walked away, she's trying to get a hold of me. I don't answer her phone calls, texts, emails, etc. I'm done. I've given her the second chance and she burned it. I'm confronted with voice mails stating how sorry she is while she is crying. Her friends now tell me that I am a douchebag. That I should give her another chance and try to work things out. That I just said I was breaking up with her in the heat of the moment. The problem is, it was not a "heat of the moment" thing. It was the sum of all the frustrations from months of practicing patience and being understanding.
But like I said: I was no longer on the edge, I was pushed off it already. We humans naturally have a limit and we say "enough is enough."
I was not going to stay with someone who thinks along this line: "I'm 22, I'm hot. What do you expect? Why should I not party?" And she said exactly that before I pretty much said it was over. As a guy in a relationship, I would never tell a girl that. I would never say that I'm hot so I should party. That line of thinking made me think about how she would be like if we were married or had kids. I didn't want to to wake up to a baby monitor, go to my kid and the kid asks where his/her mom is.
But naturally, since I'm a guy, I'm an asshole for walking away. They said I'm a jerk for "dumping" her. That I was "running away." That I "did not love her as much as I said I did." In any case, no matter how I explain it, it'll always look like it's my fault. Because the girl is hurt, the guy MUST be a jerk. They don't even ask how the guy feels or how hard it is for him to move on when he came as far as proposing marriage to a woman he really loved and cared for. No, none of those things matter. The girl is hurt, the guy is a jerk and should be bashed.
Why is it that when a guy says he's had enough, he's viewed as a jerk or something along those lines?